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duskyjewel
Guest
I acknowledged the possibility of problems…
I offered my opinion as to a POSSIBILITY, which is all anyone else has done on this thread. So many defensive responses… “The lady doth protest too much, methinks…”
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gettingthere
Guest
You mentioned a ‘hormone problem’, which doesn’t even begin to cover the various number of things that could be affecting the OP’s wife.
I’m not saying that the wife is innocent, I’m just saying it’s a tad unfair for you (and other people) to say that she is neglecting her husband, when you don’t really know the full story. It could be him neglecting her as well.
FunnyThat’s not the case, here, I can assure you. I have had my fair share of problems in this regard, but I’ve always been willing to seek help or counseling where needed. I just think that in any marriage problem, there are two parts and two versions. Maybe in this case it is an issue that needs to be solved by both parties, not just the wife.
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SirOscar
Guest
Exactly!
t68ware, go and talk to your wife. It has been 14 years, it has been far too long.
God created man and women to be sexual. There is an answer to why your wife does not have the same appetite you have.
You need to ask her, not all these people, who can only speculate…
Approach her with tenderness and understanding. Accept what she tells you, and resolve to work together to correct what is ailing.
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Julianna
Guest
You had me up until the parenthesis. Then we part company.
Ah yes, the proverbial lines:
“Just lie back and think of England”
or,
“Beige, I think I’ll paint the ceiling beige”
or
“I have to remember bring the raffle tickets to Sr. Cecilia by 9 o’clock tomorrow…and oh yeah…confession is at 10…and I have doozy to tell about how I really don’t want sex with my “husband and/or wife”…so I faked it”
How does one connect on an emotional and spiritual level while checking her watch like Jane Fonda in the movie Klute?
No woman or man should have to “go through the motions”. The experience should be invited and wanted by “both”.
OP, go with her to her next OB appointment and find out if it’s hormonal…if not proceed to counseling…
or better yet…look her in the eye and say,…"hey, tell me what’s wrong…and then “listen”.
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gettingthere
Guest
Oh, I definitely don’t think anyone should just go through the motions. I meant it more as “just go with it”. In that, sometimes when a person isn’t ‘in the mood’, but they just go with it anyway, the mood just happens upon them. However, I’ve found this is only possible when both partners want sex, but one is lacking in the sex drive.
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MichaelMurphy
Guest
You don’t need a counsellor.
This often happens to the good guys.
Start working out, get lean and strong. Take time out to research and buy a ‘knock out’ aftershave. Get teeth cleaned and whitened. Basically, look your best every day. Then, start acting like you’re not interested in sexual relations with her; act cool. This will give her some time to think, and I reckon you’ll be pleasantly surprised by her reaction.
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Twelve
Guest
Michael Murphy,
You crack me up! Scary thing is, you’re not far off the mark. We women like a little challenge.
You crack me up! Scary thing is, you’re not far off the mark. We women like a little challenge.
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hasikelee
Guest
I vote to follow this course of action.
I love the “act cool” part haha.
Don’t forget to be really busy and have places to go, people to see.
www.marriagebuilders.com and “His Needs, Her Needs” by Dr. Harley might help out, too.
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AZSVGirl
Guest
Maybe you’re concentrating on it too much? I know when I was married, I didn’t like to feel as though sex was a required task. Maybe she’d like to be the one to seduce you for once. Might take a little time and work… Maybe you can talk, act, sexy around her, turn her on, but then give her a kiss and go to bed. Maybe take her out for a romantic evening and not even act as though you even once thought about sex afterward. That would pique her interest… probably difficult for you to be romantic without sex for the short term, but the investment will be worth it in the long run.
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strngrnrth
Guest
In any given month? I was expecting you to say in the years you’d been married all put together. Really now, you might have lost her interest by wearing her out.
Don’t give her Schlessinger IMHO. I’m not radical or anything and I am a very serious, fairly conservative, religious person, but I do believe anyone handing out Dr. Laura or Mr. Hagee might be risking getting some Dworkin and McKinnon for the next gift occasion. Not authors I normally like. Those are my feelings.
I find I bond with people by helping them. Usually my loved ones need help if they are busy and tired all the time, and being flippant, irritable and afraid to deal with someone who makes demands is a big indicator of that problem.
Don’t give her Schlessinger IMHO. I’m not radical or anything and I am a very serious, fairly conservative, religious person, but I do believe anyone handing out Dr. Laura or Mr. Hagee might be risking getting some Dworkin and McKinnon for the next gift occasion. Not authors I normally like. Those are my feelings.
I find I bond with people by helping them. Usually my loved ones need help if they are busy and tired all the time, and being flippant, irritable and afraid to deal with someone who makes demands is a big indicator of that problem.
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ecp007
Guest
This is what you said, "She is neglecting you, putting other things above you, and admits it to your face. "
That is a judgement. Perhaps she is the one being neglected. Perhaps the husband puts things like TV, friends, work, sports above her, and she is simply reflecting to him the neglect she is feeling.
Agreed.
I love Dr. Laura, and agree with her about 90% of the time. My point is that feminst have sold our husbands a lie. Your wife can hold a full time job, make as much money as you, take care of the kids, cook like a gormet, keep a spotless house, and still look 20 years old after 15 years of marriage and be a hottie in bed. Some men have bought into that lie and have unrealistic expectations of what women are capable of. …let’s be honest about that too.
Yes, I have, I’ve read all of them, 10 Stupid Things (girls, couples, Teen Agers) Do to Mess Up Their Lives, etc
I also agree with the premis of the book “The Care & Feeding…” But, it has to be in a family where the husband is also leading the household with realistic expectations.
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ecp007
Guest
:clapping:
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strngrnrth
Guest
Twice a month is the national average for married couples. That’s the limit of what the average American woman can handle. I think twice a month is a lot. I actually think twice a year is a lot but then that’s part of why I’m not married. Everyone’s different. For every woman who feels deprived with less than every other day there’s one who feels exhausted and harassed if her husband wants to have sex more than once a year. She feels the way she feels. Logically, it goes like this:
She doesn’t do it and you live to tell the tale, OR
She begins to feel differently and the problem is solved, OR
She begins to feel differently but she is so stung by years of pressure and complaining about it that she can’t bring herself to let you know that and think you changed her mind by complining, OR she feels so disgusted by constantly having to think about it when she isn’t in the mood that she stops ever wanting to again, OR
She does it on your account and hates it and begins to hate you as well.
You have partial control over which of these things happens. You can cause or prevent some of the options. You can’t do anything about some of them.
She doesn’t do it and you live to tell the tale, OR
She begins to feel differently and the problem is solved, OR
She begins to feel differently but she is so stung by years of pressure and complaining about it that she can’t bring herself to let you know that and think you changed her mind by complining, OR she feels so disgusted by constantly having to think about it when she isn’t in the mood that she stops ever wanting to again, OR
She does it on your account and hates it and begins to hate you as well.
You have partial control over which of these things happens. You can cause or prevent some of the options. You can’t do anything about some of them.
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duskyjewel
Guest
I recommend the “Touch” variety of Axe body wash. My DH uses it and ohhhhhh, he smells irresistible! Somehow they took sandalwood and frankincense and turned it into the least-girly scent you can imagine.
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samlindh
Guest
I love the Dr. Laura reference. I bet she would say something like…try to seduce her. She would probably tell you to try a new cologne and experiment with new things. If I had to guess I would say your wife is probably tired. I’m a stay at home mom and my husband and I don’t coitus often. In fact we are lucky to once a week. He is definitely the “sex instigator” in our relationship. Honestly I think I am one of those woman who would be okay with only doing it once a month. I am completely responsive to him when he wants to but I honestly don’t even think about sex. Maybe your wife is like me. There is no underlying issue, I’m happy and content in my marriage and so is he. I do however think I would have issue if I found out he was viewing pornography all the time or something to compensate for the lack of sex. Sex can be monotonous, its one of those things that truly takes effort to keep things fresh and arousing. Good Luck! And to those who lack intimacy because your spouse is afraid to have a baby…I think couples need to be on the same page in order to follow the Catholic belief of why we shouldn’t use contraceptions. If your spouse doesn’t want to submit him or herself over to the “Be fruitful, and multiply” belief then maybe you should use birth control. I would talk to your priest about that one.
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dhgray
Guest
Maybe, just maybe the problem is not with your wife. Maybe she is reacting to the way you treat her. Men can’t turn to their wives and say, “Hey honey, roll over.”
Making love to my wife has taken a lifetime. If I want to be intimate with her on Friday night, I had better start the foreplay Monday morning.
Sex is just sex …. Making love is so much deeper and takes a lifetime.
Make love to your wife and she will want to have sex with you.
Making love to my wife has taken a lifetime. If I want to be intimate with her on Friday night, I had better start the foreplay Monday morning.
Sex is just sex …. Making love is so much deeper and takes a lifetime.
Make love to your wife and she will want to have sex with you.
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GhostMan
Guest
Really? That’s your advice? Really? So you have read all the issues involved and decided that he is just an insensitive boob and needs to be a world-class lover like you? I think the insensitive boob is not the OP, friend. You’re post was self-serving and boastful and did nothing to assist the man who posted.
I’m not even saying you were wrong; perhaps he is a boarish oaf. You don’t know; I don’t know. But coming here to proclaim your amazing love making skills are the answer is just poorly done.
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strngrnrth
Guest
Try googling AVEN. It’s chock-full of info on the broad spectrum of sexual desire. These things can change and everyone’s different. Reading it can help build compassion for those who are different.
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Phemie
Guest
Doesn’t even have to be ‘lacking sex drive’. At times I’ve truthfully said 'Well, sex wasn’t exactly on my radar tonight but I’m sure that if you try I’ll get in the mood." I can’t remember ever refusing to have sex. OTOH, I was refused more times than I can count.
The OP tells us nothing about his & his wife’s age, number of kids, what they do, etc.
My first reaction to the OP was “Hey, being able to count the number of times you have sex in a month on one hand could still mean once a week and believe me there are many who would be happy to have that. For years I could have counted the number of times in a month on my fingers even if my hands had been amputated.”
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strngrnrth
Guest
Exactly.
Once every 6.08 days (the average month is 30.4 days long) is more than the typical married couple has sex. Twice as much as average. A lot more than I could have tolerated in any marriage I ever would have embarked upon. And I’m not extreme at all. When I’ve been sick, busy, tired, irritated, or just worn out from a period of doing more than I wanted in that department (in the previous couple of years), the idea of ever doing it again filled me with such nausea and resentment just in the abstract alone that I would probably walk out over the issue in a heartbeat. It’s a huge struggle for me to keep thoughts of hatred out of my head toward people who have pushed the issue even just by bringing it up too often.To stay married to such a person at all sounds like an enoprmous sacrifice to me and to speak to such a person again feels like a compromise. There have been other, less stressed, healthier, more cheerful times when I felt otherwise. It depends on lots of factors.
I’m single partly because the idea of having to sit in the same room as someone who has asked for sex twice in the same month doesn’t sound like something I could reliably stand. If there is a scale of one to ten, ten would be wanting to every day, eight would be every week, 5 1/2 would be every month, three would be twice a year, two would be ever, and one (never) would still be a human being with feelings. Why is it always the person with lower interest who must change? Why do those with more interest see waiting for the other one to change as a compromise? How about the other way around – if the one who would rather not got to demand a date by which the other one would lose interest and never think of it again?
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