Problems in Marriage

[duskyjewel]

I’m single partly because the idea of having to sit in the same room as someone who has asked for sex twice in the same month doesn’t sound like something I could reliably stand.

Uh… wow. I agree that being single is probably the right course for you. Sex is an integral part of marriage. It’s not some chore, it’s how couples renew their sacrament. Ideally, a spouse shouldn’t have to ask for sex. It should be a natural part of loving one another. I think for most couples, it happens that one will be more in the mood at certain times, and will approach the other, making it clear in their own personal language that sex is what they want. And the other will respond, sometimes with, “Oh yeah, right now, lock the door!” and sometimes with, “Baby, I’d love to, but let’s get the kids to bed first,” or at other times, “Honey, I just don’t feel up to it today. Rain check?” The third should be the exception, not the rule. And one spouse should not have to ALWAYS be the initiator, because after a while, that does start to look and feel like begging.

St. Paul said it is better to marry than to burn. Marrying someone and then leaving them to burn anyway is beyond cruel. There are times when the more desirous spouse has to be able to sacrifice for a spouse that is tired, ill, pregnant, etc… There are times when the less desirous spouse has to be able to sacrifice too, and engage in the physical side of love more often than they might otherwise for the sake of their spouse and their commitment.

If there are technical issues of not being a great lover or hormonal barriers to enjoyment, those can usually be remedied. But to promise to love, honor, and cherish, and then to treat sex as a chore, something demanded that you’d rather not give, to leave your spouse to burn when St. Paul told us marriage was the remedy… that’s just wrong. It’s mean, it’s unChristian, it disrespects marriage and your spouse. Their desire is natural and part of who they are. Their desire FOR YOU is part of their love for you. Disdaining that is cruel.

 

[strngrnrth]

Uh… wow. I agree that being single is probably the right course for you.

Thank you, and thank God I live in a society that gives me a choice, it’s nice not to be hit over hte head with “everyone should be married” propaganda. But some people are low-sexual but highly domestic and want to be married.

St. Paul said it is better to marry than to burn. Marrying someone and then leaving them to burn anyway is beyond cruel. There are times when the more desirous spouse has to be able to sacrifice for a spouse that is tired, ill, pregnant, etc… There are times when the less desirous spouse has to be able to sacrifice too, and engage in the physical side of love more often than they might otherwise for the sake of their spouse and their commitment.

If there are technical issues of not being a great lover or hormonal barriers to enjoyment, those can usually be remedied. But to promise to love, honor, and cherish, and then to treat sex as a chore, something demanded that you’d rather not give, to leave your spouse to burn when St. Paul told us marriage was the remedy… that’s just wrong. It’s mean, it’s unChristian, it disrespects marriage and your spouse. Their desire is natural and part of who they are. Their desire FOR YOU is part of their love for you. Disdaining that is cruel.

I have been through this subject with people here and ITRW, and lately I’ve been feeling really healed talking to others who feel the way I do or much more so in some cases; it’s not really possible to take someone wanting to take over your biological function for their own reasons when you don’t feel like doing that as 'part of their love for you". It feels very antilove. It just does. People who feel that way are people and their feelings are real even if they are only recent or temporary. Even if a medication, a fight or the weather caused these feelings they are feelings.

 

[t68ware]

OK…since some of you are wondering how many times I have sex with my wife, I think 3 times a month is alot, it is usually twice a month. My wife is 34, mother of 3. Yes she is tired some days as I am when I work 45-50 hours a day, but I still try to find time to be intimate with her. It goes beyond just not having sex. I constantly compliment her on her looks and how sexy i think she is. She only compliments me if I ask her if i look good. She NEVER offers compliments, and that is disturbing. We are both Protestant, and after 3 kids i got “fixed” so the worry of her getting pregnant again does not exist. All the advice I have received has been great, and maybe counseling is what we need.

 

[TVFL]

OK…since some of you are wondering how many times I have sex with my wife, I think 3 times a month is alot, it is usually twice a month. My wife is 34, mother of 3. Yes she is tired some days as I am when I work 45-50 hours a day, but I still try to find time to be intimate with her. It goes beyond just not having sex. I constantly compliment her on her looks and how sexy i think she is. She only compliments me if I ask her if i look good. She NEVER offers compliments, and that is disturbing. We are both Protestant, and after 3 kids i got “fixed” so the worry of her getting pregnant again does not exist. All the advice I have received has been great, and maybe counseling is what we need.

wow! you work some LOOOONG days!!

i think you have gotten some good advice here (though you have to wade through some not-so-great stuff to find some of it!)…and counseling would probably be great…though I’m not sure how you’ll fit it in a day!!

best of luck!

 

[Pug]

it’s not really possible to take someone wanting to take over your biological function for their own reasons when you don’t feel like doing that as 'part of their love for you". It feels very antilove. It just does.

Speaking as someone on the other side, it feels creepy (antilove) from my perspective as well. And who wants to do something creepy, in the end? Not me.

Although, I wouldn’t phrase it as wanting to take over someone’s biological function. That doesn’t represent what I’m interested in.

 

[BamaRider]

ecpt007 sez-

Your wife can hold a full time job, make as much money as you, take care of the kids, cook like a gormet, keep a spotless house, and still look 20 years old after 15 years of marriage and be a hottie in bed. **Some men have bought into that lie and have unrealistic expectations **of what women are capable of. .

Yeah and I was one of them…

Baby! If ya read this I was just kidding!!!

 

[beckyann2597]

Hi
I didn’t read through all the suggestions, but I would like to suggest a full physical and hormone check from her doctor. You might want to do the same! She may be suffering from a hormonal imbalance, especially if she is starting to go through perimenopause. Low sex drive might also be an indicator for more serious ailments, so it would be a good idea to have it checked out. When you bring this up, you might want to bring it up as a “I am worried about your health.” approach rather than a “I need more sex, there must be something wrong with you” approach.

I don’t know how many kids you have or any other stressors you might have in your life, but if it is not hormonal/physical, it might be a good idea to go to couples counseling. Se might need to be courted by you again!

 

[Seekngrace]

This used to be a sore spot in my marriage…before I realized the connection that sex has, to our Catholic faith. I read Love & Responsibility a few years ago, a book written by Pope JP2, and it changed the way I viewed sex. It wasn’t that I didn’t enjoy sex, but I think I didn’t understand that it’s a bonding between a husband and wife…

Well stated and thank you! I came to this thread looking for such direction and I hope that it has been taken by many.

My marriage suffers similarities to those in this thread. I know my is a combination of hormones and spirituality. Both are my fault and I know it.

This will get long but I wish to include the information for those in like positions. My DH and I married 6 months prior to BOTH our conversions. (We converted together which was wonderful!) He left the Church for the most part and I kept going forward, loving my new found life more and more with each new discovery. Many challenges faced both of us as you can imagine.

The sexual challenge only recently surfaced and it is due to my lack of knowledge. I knew I wasn’t interested because I felt like HE thought of sex in a more wordly way while I sought intimacy in a more spiritual sense. I kept thinking, if only he’d come back to the Church then we could share a connection on a deeper level and bring Christ more fully into our relationship thus awakening our desires for one another in a pure sense. Blah blah blah, all good and well but not quite on target.

I cannot judge his desires or his reasons unless he communicates them to me. He hasn’t, I assumed, and could be very well wrong. I do not doubt his love and desire for me, I worried that his views on sex were too wordly. All I do there is pray, pray, and wait for him to desire purity in mind and body for his sake, not mine.

I can however gain a personal understanding on God’s intended purpose for pure sexual relationships in marriage. I did not have a “clean” or virutous life prior to our marriage. I did not view sex as sacred or even an act of giving. Only recently have I slowly come to realize how much that has affected my conversion and my marriage. Now I need to put some knowledge and good hard reading behind this direction in which God has called me.

Thanks to all for your advice and good luck to all in this predicament. My adice, even if I am not totally qualified (yet), keep praying and keep it all in Christ!

 

[Lamb_Serenade]

I am responding to this post from the perspective of the wife. Our situation is much like the OP, and there are so many different factors involved I think I can safely say every possibility posed in a response is a facet of our situation.

The one issue I keep going to with my DH is the one that gets him instantly angry with me and it did again last night. In fact he refused to listen to my response when he asked the question, “Why don’t you ever want to go to bed with me?” My issue is how I’m treated as the day goes along. My needs are not being met, quite honestly. I don’t get any affection, the affection I give is not reciprocated, is devalued or is scoffed at. I get almost no time WITH him. He comes home, eats dinner and goes to the bedroom and watches TV.

Most comments are directed at when he wants it (now) and telling me how much he wants me. Please, please, please, don’t get down on me for not wanting to hear that. It’s not that I don’t want to hear it, I truly appreciate that he is still attracted to me after 28 years of marriage, but it’s the ONLY thing I hear. I understand completely that men love differently than women. They are physical responders and women are emotional responders. At some point BOTH parties have to be willing to provide what the other needs. He has occasionally stepped up and has been very attentive and sweet, but it’s for like a day or two, a week at the most, and when he isn’t getting it twice a day as a result of his attention he goes back to grabbing, ignoring and sulking.

I am definitely not an initiator. It’s just not in me. I feel uncomfortable being too forward. It’s out of my comfort zone. That’s not to say that I never initiate. At times he comes to me I am willing, but not necessarily enthused. Every time I enjoy myself and afterward I kick myself saying “why can’t I just remember that and be willing to do it all the time???”

There is so much more going on in our relationship than just problems in the bedroom. Those who know me by way of this forum know we have been through some extraordinary rough times. Those circumstances have certainly had a hand in making things even more unpredictable.

I have come away from this thread with some excellent advice that I am going to take.

This used to be a sore spot in my marriage…before I realized the connection that sex has, to our Catholic faith. I read Love & Responsibility a few years ago, a book written by Pope JP2, and it changed the way I viewed sex. It wasn’t that I didn’t enjoy sex, but I think I didn’t understand that it’s a bonding between a husband and wife…I would always view it as another thing to do, and why did he want to so much, etc…

I I think that you both should consider reading Love & Responsibilty together, too…it really changed my attitude on the subject.

Thanks whatevergirl for this idea. I’m going to get the book and approach DH about reading it together. I pray he will agree, and I pray we can find some answers and a possible solution to our situation.

I am so glad I found this thread because I sat down last night to start a new one to discuss this exact topic. It saved me the effort of having to decide on a subject for my thread. Seriously, it was exactly what I needed to read. I decided to respond since I am the other side of the coin.

Thanks to all who posted with comments, suggestions and ideas. There is much to contemplate and digest.