Problems w/DH, need opinions

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yessisan

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Ever since we got married, my husband has put his sisters and his friends first. Everything in his life comes first; I’m the last person he thinks of.

We’ve had many arguments because of this, and a few nights ago we had an argument because he doesn’t realize that his older sister tries to do everything in her power to make me feel less and very uncomfortable.

See, the latest thing started when we were to go camping as a family. His 3 sisters, his brother in law, his nephews and nice, and the 2 of us. It was supposed to be ONLY family. Some of you know he’s a JW, and I’ve had many issues w/him because of it. Well, I think most of you know how JWs are, and they are always attacking the CC, and my older SIL does this in front of me. I’ve never said anything to her, out of respect for my husband, but she constantly does this and I’m getting tired of it. So, going back to the camping… I have a SIL who is Catholic (let’s call her Alma for the sake of not confusing people) and one who is just returning to the CC (Ana). Her bday was a few wks ago, and the Alma sent her a cake for her bday and asked the older sister (Silvia) to get together and eat it w/her. So we went (my JW husband and me) to have some bday cake. There, Ana asked Silvia, "when are you guys going camping?” I was surprised and said “Aren’t you going?” Ana told me she couldn’t so I figured it was because of work, so I asked if it was and she said, “No, the JWs are going so I can’t go” (She’s been shunned by the JWs because she “apostatized”).

So, I was left with my mouth open. My DH hadn’t told me it was going to be w/the people from his religion, the same people who constantly try to convert me, the people who cannot leave me alone because I am Catholic, the same people who are wishing DH divorces me so he can marry a “nice” JW girl. I couldn’t believe DH hadn’t said anything to me, and because I was so surprised I blurted out, “fine, if they are going, I’m not. If DH wants to go, he is more than welcome to, but I’m staying home.” He knew this would make me want to stay at home, and he didn’t care to tell me.

Silvia did this so Ana wouldn’t go (she acts this way so Ana comes back to the JWs), and she knows also that I wouldn’t want to go. I heard from Ana’s mouth that Silvia wants DH to divorce me and that she was going to do all in her power so DH will NEVER leave the JWs.

So, here I am, looking as the evil wife because I do not want to go camping w/the people who are always attacking me and my beliefs. I don’t think there is anything wrong with that, is there?

Then, last night, Alejandra (the other JW sister) came to visit from LA and when we got to Silvia’s house, as always I say hi nicely and politely. Well, when I said hi and bye she rolled her eyes and sighed giving me attitude. When we were sitting in the living room talking, when I would speak, Silvia would turn the other way and pretend nobody was talking. Then DH got up to say hi to Alejandra’s little kid, and Silvia looked over to Alejandra’s wrist. She had a bracelet that resembles a Catholic bracelet (one that has little wooden squares w/Saints’ pictures on them), but hers was just of soccer teams, but Silvia grabbed it and said, “Ugh, you look like you’re wearing one of those ridiculous Saint bracelets, you shouldn’t wear that because people will think you’re turning Catholic”.

When we left, I asked DH why Silvia was so much against me. I didn’t even say it in a mean way, but he exploded as if I had said the most horrible thing in the world. I tried explaining what she did, but he denies anything happened because he didn’t see any of it. So, on the drive back home we were completely quiet. He went to bed, and I went to the family room. I took a blanket and a pillow and turned the tv on, and he comes running out the door saying not to expect him to come and ask me to go to bed with him and to not go back to bed and start crying because he didn’t want me making him feel bad for me crying.

(Sorry I had to do this in 2 parts, I wrote too much)
 
(2nd part)

I don’t know what to do. I tried explaining it to him in bible words, since he’s a JW. I mentioned a verse from Ephesians about the husband having to let go of his family so he can become one w/his wife, and he just laughed. In return he said, “Well, if you’re bringing up bible verses, then why don’t you apply the submissive part and support me in what I say?” :mad: I cannot believe he said that. I asked if he really knew what that word meant, and he said, “yes, that you have to support me”, well, I got the dictionary out and he saw it means to be obedient and I said I wasn’t going to be a slave to him. That in the CC, women are not less than a man, and that we have the right to say things when something is wrong in our eyes. I told him I wasn’t going to be like the JW women who give up their lives for the man because he is the one who decides it all and everything he says is what it is.

Is there something I’m not seeing here? Am I asking for too much? All I want is for him to put me first and defend me when his sister acts this way around me. To top it all, she asked DH to have a party at my house because we have a back yard and she only has a condominium. I mean, she treats me this way but she has the face to ask we let her use our house? So, I’m just supposed to sit there while they make fun of Catholics and say nothing???
 
You have been on my mind today! Catholic Answers Live this evening is about JW’s (I’m not sure if it is the first or second hour). You can listen on www.ewtn.com - or on this web site up at the Radio link.

Now I will go read your post. Hugs.
 
kage_ar said:
You have been on my mind today! Catholic Answers Live this evening is about JW’s (I’m not sure if it is the first or second hour). You can listen on www.ewtn.com - or on this web site up at the Radio link.

Now I will go read your post. Hugs.
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I wish Icould listen to it, but we’re going to our Retrouvaille post-session tonight… and here at work my computer doesn’t have speakers 😦
 
yessisan said:
(2nd part)

“Well, if you’re bringing up bible verses, then why don’t you apply the submissive part and support me in what I say?” :mad: I cannot believe he said that. I asked if he really knew what that word meant, and he said, “yes, that you have to support me”, .
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Well I don’t know about the JW Bible, but this is what my Bible says.

*Colossians, chapter 3:
18: Wives, be subject to your husbands, as is fitting in the Lord. 19: Husbands, love your wives, and **do not **be harsh with them. *

This is in no way an excuse to act chauvinist and is probably the most misquoted and misunderstood verse in the Bible by men!

First, verse 18 clearly says “be subject to your husbands, as is fitting in the Lord” This means, wives are only to submit to their husbands by as much as their husbands submit to the Lord. This does not mean to support them no matter what foolish thing they decide to be involved in. God NEVER commanded that.

Second, the “do NOT be harsh” part is about as clear as it gets. Unfortunately most men seem to slam their Bibles closed after vs. 18.

Therefore, you are only to subject yourself to your husband as much as he subjects himself to Jesus Christ and the fullness of truth He gave to us here in earth. And yes, this includes the truth about the one, holy, Catholic Church he established.

I’m sorry you have to bear this cross. I am the only Catholic in my family, so I can relate.
 
Thanks for your response Enoch, the quote you mention is somewhat what I was talking about. This is the bible verse I was referring to that DH chose to completely ignore and also used against me (it contains the same words as Colossians):
Submitting yourselves one to another in the fear of God. Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife, even as Christ is the head of the church: and he is the saviour of the body. Therefore as the church is subject unto Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in every thing. Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it; That he might sanctify and cleanse it with the washing of water by the word. That he might present it to himself a glorious church, not having spot, or wrinkle, or any such thing; but that it should be holy and without blemish. So ought men to love their wives as their own bodies. He that loveth his wife loveth himself. For no man ever yet hated his own flesh; but nourisheth and cherisheth it, even as the Lord the church: For we are members of his body, of his flesh, and of his bones. **For this cause shall a man leave his father and mother, and shall be joined unto his wife, and they two shall be one flesh. **This is a great mystery: but I speak concerning Christ and the church. Nevertheless let everyone of you in particular so love his wife even as himself; and the wife see that she reverence her husband.
–Ephesians 5:21-33
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But he disregards the rest of it. You see, the JWs use this quote to show women that they have to OBEY their husbands. That religion is so man-centered it makes me mad a lot of the times. But when I try to point out something from the bible, DH says I cannot throw verses that way because I am taking them out of context? Am I really? I don’t think it gets clearer than that! So, JWs can do it, but Catholics can’t? Gosh, JWs use random texts for subjects that don’t even have anything to do with what the bible says, and when I, a Catholic, uses it correctly, I get hit by a club (not literally) and am told not to do it…

I’m so tired of trying to be first in his life. 😦
 
I’m so mad after reading your post. How could someone treat his own wife like that.:mad:

I don’t have anything constructive to say but I will remember you in my prayers tonight.

I know how it feels to be put in 2nd place by my husband but he was never that bad.
 
My point of view, as a husband, is that he is full of it. I think that you should not even get in religious discussions with him, this whole thing has nothing to do with religious differences. It is about coming from a family (his) with poor interpersonal habits. The truth is that he is not willing to act as a man and take care of his wife, his using religious quotations to put you down is a clear indication. The Retrouvaille sessions are useful as long as people are willing to change.

It is time for him to change. Get the book “The Theology of the Body for beginners” by Christopher West. You guys read it together and discuss it. I bet that some of those comments will make him understand or at least think what is role as a male is about.

In the meantime I will pray for you and for all those husbands (including myself) that do not treat their wives as they should.
 
I don’t understand what’s going on here. Yessian, your husband’s family was Catholic. Your MIL took her kids and left the CC to become JW. Your husband is JW and he married you, a non-JW. You went on a Retrouvaille week-end with DH I presume. How is it he is not shunned for marrying a nonJW and for attending a Catholic retreat week-end? Do you have any children?
 
qui_est_ce said:
I don’t understand what’s going on here. Yessian, your husband’s family was Catholic. Your MIL took her kids and left the CC to become JW. Your husband is JW and he married you, a non-JW. You went on a Retrouvaille week-end with DH I presume. How is it he is not shunned for marrying a nonJW and for attending a Catholic retreat week-end? Do you have any children?
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Hi qui est ce, he was shunned for marrying me, but was shunned 2 months before we married and was reinstated 15 months after that. The JWs have no idea we’re attending Retrouvaille. He hasn’t even told his JW sisters (nor his Catholic parents and sisters). And no, we have no kids yet.
 
redtech said:
I’m so mad after reading your post. How could someone treat his own wife like that.:mad:

I don’t have anything constructive to say but I will remember you in my prayers tonight.

I know how it feels to be put in 2nd place by my husband but he was never that bad.
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Thanks for your prayers.
Cristiano said:
My point of view, as a husband, is that he is full of it. I think that you should not even get in religious discussions with him, this whole thing has nothing to do with religious differences. It is about coming from a family (his) with poor interpersonal habits. The truth is that he is not willing to act as a man and take care of his wife, his using religious quotations to put you down is a clear indication. The Retrouvaille sessions are useful as long as people are willing to change.

It is time for him to change. Get the book “The Theology of the Body for beginners” by Christopher West. You guys read it together and discuss it. I bet that some of those comments will make him understand or at least think what is role as a male is about.

In the meantime I will pray for you and for all those husbands (including myself) that do not treat their wives as they should.
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I wish DH would think the way you do. It makes me really sad to see that I am not crazy for thinking he’s doing wrong. This proves he is treating me in a way he shouldn’t.

I have stood up for him when my family has something negative to say about him. I even asked my grandmother not to commnet on JWs. She was saying something about a visit she had and how crazy these people were (in front of DH), but I asked her to please not do that because I wouldn’t want to make him feel unwelcome, but he doesn’t do the same for me.

As far as the Retrouvaille working… sometimes I think it’s not, sometimes I think it is, but the fact that I have to point out what he’s doing wrong just doesn’t feel right to me. Isn’t it common sense to treat your wife w/respect and give her the place she deserves?

I’ll see if I can find Chrisopher’s book in Spanish. He wouldn’t want to read it in English.

Thanks for your (name removed by moderator)ut and prayers.
 
Just a question…Were you married in the Catholic Church? I’m assuming yes but just want the clarification.
 
rayne89 said:
Since you went to Retrouvaille are you still dialoging daily?
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Yes we are, we’re still in our 1st month of it.
bear06 said:
Just a question…Were you married in the Catholic Church? I’m assuming yes but just want the clarification.
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Yes and no… I had a radical sanation done for our marriage. I didn’t have the Church ceremony.
 
So how did he get reinstated? Why is he going on Retrouvaille if he is so JW? Is there hope for him? As you know, I had a very bad marriage with a CATHOLIC who treated me the way your husband treats you. He turned against the CC. He would rip Sunday Envelope out of my hand and tell me we needed it more thant the CC. It was awful, but I stayed for the sake of the children and left him when the kids got into school. I was a stay at home mom and did not want to put them in day care. He used to scream at me in front of my daughter when she was only four. She would say, “Daddy you have to stop fighting.” He shoved her away. He has since been remarried, is in the process of getting divorced and already has a new Significant Other that he can’t stop giggiling on the phone with. He is 55. My 16 year old Anna and 19 year old Nick are disgusted with him. I never bad-talked him to them. But they figured it out themselves. I know this doesn’t sound Catholic, but I am happy to be away from him and single. I would think you have good grounds for an annulment.
yessisan said:
Hi qui est ce, he was shunned for marrying me, but was shunned 2 months before we married and was reinstated 15 months after that. The JWs have no idea we’re attending Retrouvaille. He hasn’t even told his JW sisters (nor his Catholic parents and sisters). And no, we have no kids yet.
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Wow. I feel for you. I would hate to be in your situation. As a husband who has to defend his wife quite frequently I can kinda relate. I’m Mexican and my wife is white and our traditions are a bit different so My mother and Grandmother sometimes give my wife a bit of a hard time. All I can say is it’s really hard on me having to choose between family and my Wife. I always choose my wife of course but it’s very stressfull. Luckily my family has getting better over the years but they still take some jabs here and there. All I can say is keep being the better person and maybe after some time It may get better. Your husband may think you are exagerating cause I sometimes think my wife is. I THINK she is but that doesn’t mean she really is. It’s probably gotten to the point where you are a little over sensitive and there for you read into every thing said by your Sister In-Law. I don’t blame you but your husband probably doesn’t read into things like you, so to him you are exagerating, even if your not.
 
yessisan said:
I’m not sure why you ask, but we’ve been married for 16 months.
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Well, I ask because it makes things a lot clearer for me. Personally, the first year is very hard because you are learning to mesh to backgrounds together. In-laws don’t make it any easier. Your first year would be even harder because of the difference in faiths. Sometimes in marriage, good or bad, your Faith is all you have and you can’t share that at this point.

I’ve always considered our marriage to be great. That said, when you have “outside” forces that you love (you can’t really expect him to stop loving his family) it can make it really difficult. It’s hard to get to the “you and me against the world” and not “my family against yours” but it is achievable. Don’t think because all is still hard after 16 months that it can’t be better.

If it were me, and I can sometimes be outspoken, I would ask your SIL exactly what she’s trying to accomplish when she bad mouths your faith and I’d do it in front of everyone. I’d then let her know that you believe God has called you to be married to your husband and that that is your vocation and that you won’t turn your back on that vocation. She can help make the marriage hard and therefor your brother miserable or she can just pray for your conversion like you pray for hers. God will win in the end. Of course, that’s just me…:rolleyes:
 
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