Problems with my ILs

[phillipa31]

In October, I posted this thread about my in-laws forums.catholic-questions.org/showthread.php?t=605342.

We never did get to counseling (I know, my fault) but things had been actually going well. We saw them in a couple of times each in Oct, Nov and Dec. Thanksgiving and Christmas were fine. I felt everyone was getting along well and maybe we’d all just decided to move past things.

The basics is that DH confronted his parents. This led them to tell DH all of the problems they have with me and for DH to say why we were upset at them. DH confronted them about the issues from my last post. Their answers were self-absorbed. Now the situation is a mess and I do not feel like making amends. These people seem non-apologetic and seem to be looking for reasons to make me out to be the bad guy.

TBH, I just want to stay away completely. I feel I am damned if I do and damned if I don’t with them. DH cannot see how I don’t want to be around people who deny any responsibility for their actions. All of this drama with my ILs makes me want to just run far, far away. DH says we should keep the peace because “they’re family”. He even told me I was “selfish” for not wanting to visit them for him. I just feel awful.

My question is: What do we do now? DH and I are going this week to see a non-secular counselor through our insurance. I’d just like some Catholic opinions on this as well.

 

[Trishie]

My prayers that good will come out of the counseling.
Phillipa, what to expect from the family was clear before you married, as your earlier post showed, and your husband is part of that family. That you felt you were strong enough to marry into the family hopefully indicates that you will be strong enough to manage your way through this. Please God you will for the sake of all concerned. I don’t see any possible advice as I don’t know any of you and can’t observe you,
but certainly will pray for the best outcomes.

God bless you

 

[phillipa31]

Thanks, Trishie. You’re right. I knew about half of all of this when we got married. I didn’t learn of their comments about the wedding until DH told me afterwards (they were comments made to him).

Something just changed in me for some reason. I just do not feel like I want to be a part of this. I feel like I cheated myself into thinking once we got married we would be able to distance ourselves from them and that distance would make it easier to deal with them. Wishful thinking on my part.

 

[phillipa31]

Hi Monicad. Thank you for your post and prayers.

A couple of weeks ago, the ILs were at Mass. After Mass, we didn’t see them so we went to our car. Apparently, they were parked near us but we didn’t know. DH saw MIL as I was putting stuff in the car. I turned around and saw her coming to us and we said hello as she went over to LO. It was raining, so as DH was putting LO in the car I got into the passenger seat. MIL leaves, DH gets in and we notice where their car is and see FIL inside. I asked DH and he said he didn’t know they were there and he didn’t know why FIL didn’t come over. He said his dad had asked that week what Mass we were attending so he could see LO. Thinking it was strange, DH said he would ask FIL about it when he saw him next. That’s how the conversation between them started.

A lot of additional things came out when they talked. FIL said he didn’t come over because I didn’t wave to him when he was in his car (I didn’t see him until we left) so he didn’t want to come over and get his “head bit off” like the last time we were at Church. It makes no sense. His excuse was backwards. He could have come over before then but chose to sit in his car. I don’t know why I got blamed.

The prior incident was equally stupid. We didn’t know the ILs would be at that Mass and as we exited our car we saw them heading to us in the lot. We all said Hello as DH got LO out. I left my purse under the seat and DH asked if I wanted to bring it. I said no. Then MIL asked if I was sure I didn’t want to bring it. I said no again. Then she told DH in another language to put my purse in the trunk. He said no. I understood what she did and I guess I looked upset that she went behind my back. But I didn’t say anything or “bite” anybody’s head off. We all walk just fine inside together and I see a friend who hasn’t met LO yet. FIL told DH that I was more excited to see this friend than them and he decided he didn’t want to sit with us so they took off and sat on the other side of Church. Again, I could see him being upset that I got upset. But I didn’t do anything to wrong him, yet I get the blame again.

When LO was born, I was in the hospital for 4 days due to a c-section. My ILs never came. Actually, FIL didn’t see LO until 3 weeks after birth. They kept telling us they were coming the first day. Then MIL says FIL is working and wants them to all come later (at 8pm) and we said OK. 8pm came and the hospital wanted to test LO’s hearing right then. We called the ILs and told them. The tech said the test would be an hour and visiting was from 9a-9p so we asked if they could come tomorrow. Sure, no problem. But they never came or answered our calls for the next 3 days. FIL said he was hurt that we told them to come and then said not to. So, he didn’t come the rest of the days. He also said it was unfair that my family got to be there. It made no sense bc we were there for 4 days and visiting was 12 hours long. My family just made the time. We had no idea they wanted to test LO until they did. But again, they blame us and on top of it seemed jealous of my family visiting LO.

More things like this came to light. Most of the things blamed me. A lot of things they’re mad about have to do with things they think I did. And my FIL acted like a baby about quite a bit of stuff. My MIL just defended all of the things she did and explained how she had to do them. Nobody apologized for anything. Well, DH did ask FIL about why he said he’d leave our wedding if he was “embarrassed”. FIL said he didn’t say that and that if he did, it came out wrong. He said he didn’t want us to be embarrassed if we had bad wine or if we didn’t choose nice things and that he was only looking out for us. But it made no sense, because is he saying he would leave if we were embarrassed?

It was a lot of rehashing old hurts, but it was the first time DH actually asked about everything in depth. Before, the ILs would get mad and not talk about anything. My ILs have also never told DH all of the problems they have with me. I guess it’s not big things, but it’s enough to have caused a rift between us now.

 

[phillipa31]

If you feel you need to avoid them occassionally I certainly see your point. But you claim you want nothing to do with them because “you don’t want to be around people who deny any responsibility for their actions.”

No, I don’t want to be around them now mainly because I got blamed for things I didn’t even do. DH said now they seem sensitive to everything I do and are making anything I do look like I’m out to hurt them. In a perfect world, yes, I’d like them to see how their actions were what precipitated all of this. But I know that’s not going to happen. Now, I just feel like I have to walk on eggshells and act like a Saint so nothing I do can be taken the wrong way.

I mean, I even got blamed for my kid being cranky. We went to the ILs for FILs birthday. We had told MIL repeatedly that LO gets fussy by 6 and is in bed by 8. They eat at 7:30pm. We said we probably wouldn’t be able to eat. So we went to visit at 3:30pm. FIL was outside working, so we spent an hour and a half with MIL. We tried, but by 5 LO had had it. So, DH said we were going home. But MIL complained to DH that we are able to go to the 6pm Mass (we hardly ever have and I don’t know how she knows that) but we couldn’t stay there for dinner. And that it was my fault because she had made me something separate for dinner since I was allergic to what she was serving…so yeah, I want to avoid that kind of thing.

I got blamed for us not inviting them over, when all we’ve ever asked is that they call first. They like to show up unannounced and had gotten mad that I didn’t answer the door once (I was in the shower and had no idea). MIL cried and told DH that I never answered my phone when she would be near our house and all she wanted to do was see LO. Now, I know for a fact my MIL has never called me more than 2 or 3 times and it wasn’t about that. And this was long before LO was born. Now she calls DH. I used to have a bad phone that would drop calls. But that only lasted a couple days before I got a new one. But that was also when I was pregnant. So, I have no idea what she’s talking about.

They both even got mad because they assume we see my family more. DH said that’s not the case. He said we’ve only seen my family a few times more because my Grandma is dying of lymphoma and my Mom because she was diagnosed with breast cancer. But pretty much, it’s 50/50. It’s just so ridiculous.

 

[Castello]

I was reading from “Interior Freedom” last night. These words came back as I read your post:

“To live at peace, even when it is the people around us who are causing us suffering, we must take a fresh, radical look at our frustration. It does not correspond to reality. Other people’s faults do not deprive us of anything. We have no valid reason for resenting them or their actions.”

Give the good Father’s writings a read. Rev Jacques Phillipe

 

[phillipa31]

Hi Costello. That’s a very nice quote. I would be interested in reading more. For now, I have a few questions. I hope you can enlighten me:

I was reading from “Interior Freedom” last night. These words came back as I read your post:

"To live at peace, even when it is the people around us who are causing us suffering, we must take a fresh, radical look at our frustration. It does not correspond to reality

How is it not my reality? Does he give an answer for this? Is it only my reality because I allow it to upset me? What would he rather I do instead? I don’t want to be a martyr, but would it be better to just accept that they’re this way and just take it.

Other people’s faults do not deprive us of anything. We have no valid reason for resenting them or their actions."

Does he explain why not? Because they don’t deprive us of anything? Deprivation is an interesting word. I can see how I should not let their words hurt me. But they seem to be driving a wedge between DH and I. At least that’s the effect. Would the Rev. be saying I am allowing that to happen by getting upset? Is the answer to just suffer and let them make me out to be the bad guy and just not care? I’m seriously asking, not being sarcastic here.

I’ve seriously wondered if I should just go with the flow and let everything be. If they blame me for things in the future, so be it. But what kind of relationship would that be? It’s dishonest. I’ve thought of honoring them by staying away so that they didn’t have a chance to make comments or have information of mine to spread around.

 

[Castello]

I really cannot type entire chapters, this book is well worth every penny of the $10 price tag at Amazon!

 

[phillipa31]

Thanks, I’ll check it out!

 

[phillipa31]

Is it worth it to just cut my losses and visit the ILs to make my DH happy? We visited my SIL and it went well. I had the attitude that I was doing it to make DH happy and my positive outlook made the visit enjoyable for me.

I don’t necessarily have the same mindset when it comes to the ILs. SIL may have a bad attitude in the past, but I can handle her. I just cannot get past how the ILs have been. And I would feel awkward visiting them after DHs talk with them.

I asked DH if we could invite them out to eat as a compromise. I felt it would help me feel less awkward. Going out would also take a lot of the pressure off to talk. I asked bc we always go to the ILs. They are always home. I find it uncomfortable to sit there and the visits can take so long, especially dinner. I hate to say it, but it’s pretty monotonous. A restaurant would keep the conversation superficial and minimal. Also, I wasn’t asking to do this every time; just every once in a while to break things up.

DH told me that I was making this “harder” for everyone; that I would be making them “jump through hoops”. My ILs do not eat out - unless it’s a church function, which happen a handful of times a year. DH was like, “you can visit out with them at those” I asked why they’ll eat at those and DH said FIL doesn’t trust restaurants bc he doesn’t know who’s cooking. Also, they just always eat MILs food at home. Then, of course, he compared my parents to his. We don’t ask my side to eat out. I said it’s not the same bc we don’t have problems with them. But my parents do eat out, so it wouldn’t be a strange request to them.

At first, I felt angry. It just feels like someone else’s feelings are always more important than mine. I had no bad intentions, and yet here was my DH telling me I was trying to cause problems. I felt I was really trying to find some middle ground. It’s not my fault that the ILs aren’t like most people who have actually ate out at a restaurant in their life. If I always have to go to their home to suit them, why can’t they go out to suit us? It really didn’t sound that bad to me in my head.

Then I felt guilty. Sometimes I really do think I am making this all about me. I’m honestly trying to keep DH happy, but thought he’d also want to make me happy. I guess my problem is I didn’t take into account the ILs being happy? sigh

What do you guys think? Should I just suck it up, go to the ILs every time and keep my mouth shut. Or do I have the right to ask that we do something else once in a while?

 

[Mayita30]

when you said your mom in law told your husband to hide your purse in a different languange, was that language in Spanish?

When father in law says that he prefers to eat his wife´s meal does he mean he prefers food from his culture?

 

[EasterJoy]

Two rules:
#1 As a human being who loves God, do your best to do what is true, kind, and productive of good and to avoid what fails on any of those counts. Do it even if those around you don’t.

#2 As a wife, be willing to go beyond what is fair to love and honor your husband and to help him to feel loved and honored. That is more important than the penalties or rewards that the rest of your family or circle of friends can impose or give.

If there is a conflict between #1 and #2, it is best to do #1, but try to satisfy both if at all possible.

Beyond that, a counsellor could probably help you to learn to communicate with your husband so that there is greater understanding between you two. Once you’re communicating, the answer about what you ought to do with regards to your in-laws can probably be answered with the above two rules.

IOW, I don’t think the question of how much to please your in-laws has an easy answer. The answer is something that you and your DH work out together, and the answer you arrive at is something you will either enjoy or suffer together. That is the main thing.

 

[Musician]

You CAN get past this. It just takes lots of delicacy and determination on your part.
First, refuse to feel guilty for stuff at all, but keep going over to their house and visit and all that kind of thing.
If it is possible, just shrug off all criticism with a stupid joke and let the chips fall where they may. If you aren’t responsible for anything, why feel bad? And if they are offended, who really cares? It shouldn’t be you.
Set some boundaries. Know what you should say when they start off on a tangent. I have grown to the point where I dearly love my in-laws because they love my children so very much, and also I see good things in them. Wasn’t always this easy. I killed them with kindness, believe it or not. I still stood up for myself (if they got aggravated I just shrugged it off - it’s easier with practice…). Now we are in a very good place, and it feels good that I kept trying all those trying times.
I know it is exasperating and you want to give up, but don’t. Pray, pray, pray…

 

[lily20]

First of all, your husband needs to grow up by taking full responsibility by removing his meddling parents out of your marriage. Secondly, do not get involved in your In-Law’s attitudes/opinions/gossip about you. Who cares if they know you picked your nose on tuesday. They are not in control, God is. Just stay out of it. Deal with your husband, work on yourself. I’m sorry you are going through this. Do NOT apologize to them!!! Limit exposure, take a time of separation from your husband if you need to so he can “choose” his parents and see how much fun that is.

“Man LEAVES father and mother and is united with his WIFE. And the two shall become one.” (Genesis 2:24/Matthew 19:5)

Above all, act with kindness and love with the wisdom of a serpent. If they say, “I heard you were getting blah blah blah–” Say, “Hum, I think it’s time for tea!” Don’t throw pearls to swine. This is a Test in self-control, do it though with kindness. Respect for SELF is number one, don’t blame them, work on your own boundaries.

I have lots of experience in this. In God’s Love,
Lily

 

[phillipa31]

when you said your mom in law told your husband to hide your purse in a different languange, was that language in Spanish?

No.

When father in law says that he prefers to eat his wife´s meal does he mean he prefers food from his culture?

No. She doesn’t actually make that much cultural food. She prepares all sorts of things; lasagna, roasts, hamburgers. You name it.

 

[phillipa31]

#2 As a wife, be willing to go beyond what is fair to love and honor your husband and to help him to feel loved and honored.

You are right. I should go see them more. I’ve tried to put his feelings above mine, but then I fall into the trap of thinking, “If he cared about me, he wouldn’t force me to be around these people”.

I know I am strong and I know I can let this roll off my back. It’s just hard, you know? I talked to my Priest and he said it’s my cross to bear. I need to accept it as that.

 

[phillipa31]

First of all, your husband needs to grow up by taking full responsibility by removing his meddling parents out of your marriage.

I agree. DH is a big part of this problem. I feel my husband goes behind my back sometimes and then tells me things he talked about with his Mom. For instance, LO was battling constipation. I did what the Pediatrician told me; juice, prunes, pears. It worked. Well, DH came home and told me about the conversation he had with his Mom about it.

It’s not that I’m a control freak and want his parents to know nothing, but I feel this is an example of the over sharing that goes on. I know it’s good to take advice from people who have done this before. But I felt a little hurt that he basically went to get his Mom’s opinion instead of trusting that I could handle it. Maybe I’m a bit too private, but I don’t think MIL needed to know about LOs constipation when we’re working on it with the doctor. Anyway, in the end, she said to do the same things I was doing so I didn’t make a stink of it…

Secondly, do not get involved in your In-Law’s attitudes/opinions/gossip about you. Who cares if they know you picked your nose on tuesday. They are not in control, God is. Just stay out of it. Deal with your husband, work on yourself. I’m sorry you are going through this. Do NOT apologize to them!!! Limit exposure, take a time of separation from your husband if you need to so he can “choose” his parents and see how much fun that is.

I know what you say is true. I just hate that they think bad about me when I’m not a bad person. I know I can’t change that. And I will never apologize for things I didn’t do. Trouble is, DH just isn’t in agreement with me limiting my exposure. He’d like to go once a month. I don’t find compromising in this case a good idea. He isn’t losing anything because we’re going to see his parents once a month. Yet I will be forced to do something more than I want to. It can only lead to resentment.

I’m torn. If I go my every action will possibly be twisted. Yet, I find that if I do not go I am considered rude, aloof, a b*$^h. So, I lose either way. I guess I *should *just take the attitude that I don’t care.

 

[phillipa31]

You CAN get past this. It just takes lots of delicacy and determination on your part.
First, refuse to feel guilty for stuff at all, but keep going over to their house and visit and all that kind of thing.
If it is possible, just shrug off all criticism with a stupid joke and let the chips fall where they may. If you aren’t responsible for anything, why feel bad? And if they are offended, who really cares? It shouldn’t be you.
Set some boundaries. Know what you should say when they start off on a tangent. I have grown to the point where I dearly love my in-laws because they love my children so very much, and also I see good things in them. Wasn’t always this easy. I killed them with kindness, believe it or not. I still stood up for myself (if they got aggravated I just shrugged it off - it’s easier with practice…). Now we are in a very good place, and it feels good that I kept trying all those trying times.
I know it is exasperating and you want to give up, but don’t. Pray, pray, pray…

I only worry about my children being around them since FIL is predisposed to saying stupid things. I don’t want them to see/hear that the ILs have contempt for me. I don’t believe they will be having any unsupervised visits.

 

[StarFireKK]

My advice: Stop holding on to every little hurt. The fact you can give example after example after example is kinda crazy.

They tried to apologize. Your FIL said he didn’t mean to say he would leave if he was embarrassed and if he did it came out wrong. You WOULDN’T accept it.

So they over-share? Ninety percent of parents and grandparents over share. Just consider it a lesson in humility and move on.

They sound like normal people, who are trying to walk on eggshells around you as much as you are around them. They fact they feel they can’t just come up and say hi to you tells me that you are projecting a very hostile attitude towards them. You got to change this.

They aren’t likely to change their ways and you can’t “force” them to see a thing. But you can make your husband’s life miserable.

I’m not saying be a doormat. But it can’t kill you to go visit and eat dinner with them now and then. Or to be cheerful and bubbly when you greet them and pretend it is wonderful to see them. Is it fair? No probably not…but life rarely is.

 

[phillipa31]

My advice: Stop holding on to every little hurt. The fact you can give example after example after example is kinda crazy.

They tried to apologize. Your FIL said he didn’t mean to say he would leave if he was embarrassed and if he did it came out wrong. You WOULDN’T accept it.

So they over-share? Ninety percent of parents and grandparents over share. Just consider it a lesson in humility and move on.

They sound like normal people, who are trying to walk on eggshells around you as much as you are around them. They fact they feel they can’t just come up and say hi to you tells me that you are projecting a very hostile attitude towards them. You got to change this.

They aren’t likely to change their ways and you can’t “force” them to see a thing. But you can make your husband’s life miserable.

I’m not saying be a doormat. But it can’t kill you to go visit and eat dinner with them now and then. Or to be cheerful and bubbly when you greet them and pretend it is wonderful to see them. Is it fair? No probably not…but life rarely is.

Thank you. I am always very kind to them when I visit them. I have never been hostile and my husband can vouch for that. That’s why their behavior is so odd.