Processing my return to the Church

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Maybe writing this all down will help me process it. At the very least, I hope it blesses those who read it.

Seven years ago (this month, I think) I left the Catholic Church. I was eighteen years old and had been studying the faith sincerely since I was about fifteen. At eighteen, I was studying the Catechism of the Catholic Church and the Bible side by side (literally, both were open on my bed at the same time). I discovered several inconsistencies (most of which I can’t remember at this point), and after weeks of looking deeper and talking to some Protestant friends, I decided to leave. As you can imagine, this was very difficult for my parents, but I sincerely wasn’t doing it to be obnoxious or rebellious. I genuinely believed it was the right thing to do. Because of the level of knowledge I had, and because of the sincerity of my conscience at the time, I still believe it was the right thing to do. You may disagree with me, but I was obeying what I thought to be right.

I was married in 2014 as a Protestant.
My husband converted to Catholicism in 2017.
He never left the Church but did fall out of practice in 2018 after some difficult military orders.

Something important:
Our house was a murder scene. A man committed a mass shooting in our town when I was a child, and murdered his wife in the home in which my husband and I now live. (The rent is very cheap.) My brother and his family lived in this house before I did, and they experienced many strange and unexplained things. These events lasted for many years until he prayed a novena for the soul of the woman in purgatory who was murdered here. After the novena, all strange experiences ceased. This was more than two years ago.

Now, this past month:
Strange things started to happen again. My children and I got locked out of our home while my husband was at work. We have a sliding glass door that can only lock from the inside, and it locked while we were outside and no one was inside (we’ve tried every combination possible to see if the latch could have slipped when the door slammed, but the latch flips up when it locks, not down, and no matter how hard we tried, we could not get the door to lock simply by closing it). It was disconcerting, but not drastic.
A couple days later, I was laying in bed trying to fall asleep, when my tv turned on in the living room by itself. I got up to turn it off, and when I did I smelled an overwhelming smell of cat or cat urine. Now, we have a cat, and sometimes she kind of smells. This smell was so much more than that. It smelled like the apartment of a woman who owned 12 cats and didn’t keep the place hygienic. It was overpowering and primarily coming from my pantry. I looked just to make sure that my cat didn’t pee in there, even though I knew one cat couldn’t cause that powerful of a smell. Then all of a sudden, it stopped, like it had never happened. About twenty seconds later, it started again. I went back to bed and slept with the bathroom light on.
(Continued in the comments)
 
The next day, my husband and I went to a priest. He came to our home and blessed it, and on Sunday my husband and I went to mass for the first time in over a year and a half. (I used to go with him even though I wasn’t practicing.)
Since the night of the cat smell, unbeknownst to my husband, I had been looking on the Catholics Come Home website. It was like there was some sort of lure back.
On Sunday, my husband told me that he had forgotten how peaceful he felt during mass and told me he wanted to go to confession and continue going. I told him that I had already been researching it for a couple days, and he was surprised that the two of us had the same “pull.”
The issue is that I hadn’t been convinced of the teaching. I was remembering the issues that I had with their teaching and wasn’t convinced that it was the right thing to do, despite the drawing feeling.
I came on this website and posted some questions the other day and got a lot of good answers (as well as some people who seemed confused as to why I was there, based on the questions I was asking…just to reiterate, I came for answers, and I don’t get satisfactory answers without asking satisfactory questions).

Today, I finalized my decision to return to the Church. I still have lots of questions but I’m not worried about that as much now.

What I am surprised by is the way I feel now.
You’d think I’d be bursting with joy or something but all I feel is depressed.
It means I have to come to terms with the fact that for seven years, I was wrong about something very important.
And I don’t mean that in a “I was wrong, I have to swallow my pride” type way, but that there was something in my life that I put a lot of thought and mental energy into, reasoned my way through, prayed my way through, and still was wrong. For seven years.
I feel like a part of me is defective. Or like I woke up one day and wasn’t who I had always thought I was. Possibly even like a piece of me died. Or like you would feel if you discovered out of the blue that your spouse had been unfaithful, or that someone you thought was your best friend had been laughing about you to other people. It’s really hard to deal with.

Did anyone else experience this who could give me any (name removed by moderator)ut?

I feel bad because I know my family is rejoicing that I’m returning, but I don’t want them to. I want them to grieve with me while I grieve and then when I’ve made peace with whatever I’m dealing with, will rejoice with me then. Is this unreasonable?
 
Yes I left Church in 03 when all scandals were breaking and cost me dear relationship. Tore me to pieces. For 15 years I wandered in Spiritual isolation, even trying Eastern philosophies and Buddhism, anything. I was so lost. Then last year just like you something snapped. After 15 years realized I was adrift. World was getting increasingly secular and I knew I needed an anchor, an oasis in this hellish storm of secularism. I knew that was Church. So went back and was overwhelmed with a sense of grace I can’t describe. Words can’t do it justice. You’re not alone. We’re both very fortunate to be back. Many never make it back. And hey, you made it back in half time it took me 🙂
 
First of all, don’t expect family or anyone to understand if they haven’t been through something like this. There’s really not much for them to wrap their minds around. Why would you mourn something they see as a negative? It doesn’t make sense to them.

However, I do understand what you’re saying… I’ve had similar experiences, though not quite the same. You need to give yourself a break. We’re not perfect. After all, you said it was the right thing at the time - and so maybe it was. There must be a greater good that comes from all of this you don’t see or understand right now that will play out over time. Be patient and forgiving with yourself. You’re only human. Remember to focus on the flowers in the garden of these past few years rather than the few weeds that currently have your attention.
 
Unique_name said:
At eighteen, I was studying the Catechism of the Catholic Church and the Bible side by side (literally, both were open on my bed at the same time). I discovered several inconsistencies (most of which I can’t remember at this point), and after weeks of looking deeper and talking to some Protestant friends, I decided to leave. As you can imagine, this was very difficult for my parents, but I sincerely wasn’t doing it to be obnoxious or rebellious. I genuinely believed it was the right thing to do. Because of the level of knowledge I had, and because of the sincerity of my conscience at the time, I still believe it was the right thing to do.
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Let your family know that you grieve over those lost years, they likely were grieving the whole time.

My thoughts - You were trying to do what was right, studying the Bible and comparing it to the Catechism. But, you were young. You saw these things as cut and dry. You could have studied further but were convinced and did not see the point in further study. You likely would study more deeply now if confronted with similar inconsistencies. The fact that you cannot even recall what all that study revealed shows that it was the study of youth in my mind. Consider it that, I am sure that your family is celebrating your maturity now and you could join in that with them.

Welcome home!
 
I’ve had a somewhat similar experience, but I’m still really young. It’s weird how most people I speak with learn these huge life lessons over the period of many years, while for me it happens in less than a month.
Anyways, I was studying sedevacantism, obviously it’s looked down upon by most Roman Catholics. Though, I thought for sure this was the answer. I ditched receiving communion, participating in mass, and going to confession. This lasted about two weeks. I prayed the rosary 1-3 times a day during this period. All of a sudden, everything clicked. I found the evidence I needed to come back to the Roman Catholic Church.
During the time I was a sedevacantist, I noticed many things in my life were out of whack. I felt an evil presence all the time and I didn’t feel Jesus speaking to me at all. After I went back to confession, things changed and I felt the presence of God again.
 
First of all, welcome home. I remember hitting a very low point in my journey to the Church. I had avoided talking to my mother about my conversion until the beginning of lent, when I knew I couldn’t put it off any longer. The conversation didn’t go well. She was hurt and upset and with good reason. I remember feeling like was it really worth the stride in my family. But when I am at Mass I know it is, and will always be, worth anything.
 
Look, you made a mistake based on wrong thinking, being misled by Protestants, and your own pride. It was wrong to leave.
But a lot of us leave the Church for years over something we think is wrong or unimportant.
I spent many years thinking the Church was wrong/ antiquated in its sexual teachings and that going to Mass every Sunday and holyday wasn’t that important.
When we realize we are wrong, we just come back and start again.

There is no need to feel depressed over it or think we’re defective. We’re humans and sometimes we do dumb, sinful things. After we fix our mistake and return to the Church, the devil is angry and tries to make us feel depressed and despairing so we’ll leave again. If God can forgive you, then you have to forgive yourself and forget what you did in the past. It may have happened for a reason, such as giving you more understanding of how others can fall into those traps so you can better help them or talk to them.

Welcome home and God bless you and your husband on your new faith journey.
 
Welcome home.

I wouldn’t feel off put by not suddenly feeling rejoiceful. It’s a big change and there’s a lot of history.

I lapsed from Catholicism after high school. I didn’t go anywhere else, I just lost faith altogether. I came home four years ago. My return to faith was gradual. I don’t know if there was any celebratory moment or single epiphany. And it feels right.

To return, all I needed to do was go to Confession and start practicing again.

I don’t want to throw up hurdles, but if you married outside the Church while lapsed, without going through the Church at all, you should speak to a priest about it with your husband. I had to do the same.
 
The Church is vast and you will never know everything in depth. The God Catholics know is bigger than anywhere else you look.
I can’t imagine leaving the church. The Catholic church is the sole fountain of grace on earth. There is no other.
However, if you have been away for seven years you have an enormous space to fill in your heart and God loves that. You can fill it with grace in a very ordered way like never before. I would view it as a boundless opportunity.
 
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I think you are putting to much guilt on yourself for a decision you made at 18 with the understanding of things you had at 18.

You understand more now, you have broader experience and more knowledge, a more mature brain and a partner in life.

When I was 18 I was “pro choice”, not Catholic, and what I would call a secular Christian— I believed in God, went to church, and then went out drinking and partying on the weekends, God was confined to Sunday morning.

By the time I was 25, I no longer held secular beliefs about life issues or women/feminism, I was received into the Catholic Church, and although I certainly still enjoyed going out with friends my life was informed by and revolved around my faith. It was no longer a Sunday only Christianity.

That was 27 years ago.

We grow, we learn, we change. Don’t be too hard on yourself.
 
Regrets that you are not rejoicing yet, but God and his angels, saints and blessed mother are rejoicing and that matters more then your “universal regret”. A priest once told me that I was having “universal regret” (sounds like some kind of big symptom of a disease😃) This seemed like a good article…True repentance doesn’t mean tormenting yourself; Padre Pio has a better idea Universal regret is a sorrow for sins committed, or a hardness of heart that one becomes aware of after the fact. If we don’t spend all our energy centered on self but instead reach out in gratitude for God’s mercy and new life ahead – it can be a spring board of compunction as one jumps into God’s loving gift of mercy and new beginnings.
 
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Fullness of Faith, a return home is joy and peace.

However, our humanity, our intellect, we kind of feel like the Scripture that says “I was duped!” For me it was “how did I believe (insert name of heretical teaching I accepted as truth in my Protestant years)???” Anger at myself.

It is a phase, every time those anger and sadness and betrayal feelings arose I thanked God “had I not been in the desert, I may not have appreciated the beauty of the water.”
 
Unique_name said:
What I am surprised by is the way I feel now.
You’d think I’d be bursting with joy or something but all I feel is depressed.
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That’s straight out of the Spiritual Exercises of St. Ignatius of Loyola. (I’m quoting both Rules because Rule 1 leads to Rule 2.)

1st Week, Rule 1: The Enemy is accustomed ordinarily to propose apparent pleasure to those persons who go from mortal sin to mortal sin. He thus causes them to imagine sensual delights and pleasure in order to hold them more and more easily and to increase their vices and sins. The good spirit acts in these persons in a contrary way, awakening the conscience to a sense of remorse through the good judgement of their reason.

1st Week, Rule 2: The contrary to the first rule takes place in those who earnestly strive to purify themselves from their sins, and who advance from good to better in the service of God our Lord. Then it is common for the evil spirit to cause anxiety and sadness, and to create obstacles based on false reasoning, through preventing the soul from making further progress. It is characteristic of the good spirit to give courage and strength, consolation, tears, inspiration and peace, making things easy and removing all obstacles, so that the soul may make further progress in good works.
In short, the Enemy doesn’t want you to come back to the Church. Therefore, he will throw every infernal trick at you, and one of the worst is feeling depressed about something good. (I battled with depression for 20+ years, but that’s another story.)

God, Our Lady, St. Joseph, your Guardian Angel and all the Angels and Saints (and us too!) want you to come home.
  1. Pray to Guardian Angel. He wants to help you overcome the obstacles in your way.
  2. Contact a good Catholic priest and tell him of your desire to come back to the Church. You could also ask him about blessing your home. If he can do an exorcism, that’s good. If not, contact the diocese where you live, tell them your situation and ask if there’s an exorcist who can do the traditional rite of exorcism.
Please keep us posted. Thank you!
 
Yesterday’s Gospel, on the feast of the Sacred Heart, was about how there is more joy in heaven over the one who repents and returns to the flock than the 99 who never left. Take Our Lord at His word and be thankful. He has used your mistakes of the past for good, to lead you here to an adult grasp of the faith, that you might not have come to otherwise. Trust that this is true and thank Him for all things!
 
Thank you all for your replies.

My depression doesn’t lie in that I feel regret over the sin - again, you might disagree with me, but I don’t believe it was sin to leave. I never denied Christ and I never walked away from the Christian faith, and I did it because I genuinely believed that it was the right thing before God to do. If I had continued as a practicing Catholic when I thought God was telling me otherwise, that would have certainly been sin. It’s not so black and white. The last five years in particular have actually shown a lot of fruit and growth that wasn’t there at the time I left. I’m thankful for the ways the Lord has grown me and the things I learned.
My depression lies in the knowledge that anyone (me) can put a great deal of thought, of reason, of prayer into discerning what the truth is, and be wrong.
Do you see the difference?
 
As to your house: contact a priest and explain the horrific crime and the odd spiritual happenings there. I have little doubt that this is demonic in nature, as the murderer and his actions were incited by evil and inadvertently or even purposefully brought a curse upon the house. It is essentially a haunted house. Demons can be chased away temporarily or permanently.

An exorcism can be performed to rid your house of the demons which frequent it. No person is possessed - the demons are only attached to the location of the murders, so any priest may perform the rite.
 
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