Prolife obituary for miscarriage

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Please pray for me. I have begun to see a doctor to figure out some health issues. (Loosing two children in one year would only be one of many others related to that issue.) My husbands family, who have medical backgrounds, believe I have postpartum depression. I resent that term. Anyone who has lost two children in one year is bound to have feelings greater than disappointment. Our society has a hard time admitting that children in the womb are children.
 
I am sooo sorry! I wouldn’t call it post partum depression, if anything just plain old depression. It could be, but it takes time to get over something like this. It just doesn’t go away. It will stay with you forever it just gets easier to deal with it. I was very very depressed after my first (they called it a missed abortion) but what it actually was is that my fetus died in my womb and I failed to miscarry so they had to admit me to the hospital and do a DNC to remove the dead fetus. I was devasted, everywhere I went there were babies. Everytime I saw one I just bawled. It hurt sooo bad. I can see the hurt in my eyes now as I type. The memory will never go away of the hurt. But it gets easier. No you won’t ever forget but your coping skills just get better. I went on some website and wrote a memoriam there and it gave it some closure so that helped a little. But the best therapy in all was talking it about it to anyone who would listen. I will pray for you and if you need to talk feel free to e-mail me
 
dkoinzan said:
Please pray for me. I have begun to see a doctor to figure out some health issues. (Loosing two children in one year would only be one of many others related to that issue.) My husbands family, who have medical backgrounds, believe I have postpartum depression. I resent that term. Anyone who has lost two children in one year is bound to have feelings greater than disappointment. Our society has a hard time admitting that children in the womb are children.
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I wouldn’t even begin to diagnose you over the internet, but don’t be so quick to rule out post partum depression if the symptoms fit. For the very reason that your children in the womb WERE children, your body went through the same hormonal changes that occur in every pregnancy. After our son died I read every book on loss I could find. One sentence that I remember to this day is “your body doesn’t know your baby died” So all the hormonal changes, emotional highs and lows, physical changes in your body, etc will happen just the same as if your babies had lived. Add to that the fact that you had two pregnancies within a year. Even when our children live it is recommended to let our bodies come back to baseline before another pregnancy. So in a very twisted way, if you do end up having post partum depression, it attests to the fact that they were “real children”

I continue to pray for you. I buried one baby, I couldn’t imagine doing it for two. I’m glad your obituary got published in your church bulletin. I’m sure it gave you some comfort to see Joseph Marie’s life acknowledged.

Arlene
 
I didn’t explain myself very well. I already know that I am greiving the loss of two children. I acknowledge that that can be depressing. I have health issues that my husbands family would like to say are related to postpartum depression, that are not. They don’t see that loosing two children is a flag that there may be a problem with me that needs to be looked into. They don’t believe in NFP, they are not Catholic and they think that the grief I have over loosing two chidren should be about what most would call disappointment. I am trying to look at this entire experience and be responsible. these health issues were showing before the two children. I tried to get answers then, but the doctors didn’t seem to listen. I finally found a doctor that is looking at the big picture and I want to make sure that I am healthy. I am not going for fertility, although a normal women my age would be fertile. I simply want to make sure that I am ok.
 
I liked your obit. I miscarried over 25 years ago and still think about that baby sometime. Although I don’t think about it all the time I will never forget.
 
As far as the health issue you had before you misscarried, I guess it all depends on what the issues were. When I had mine I insisted that something was wrong with me to begin with that caused me to miscaary but they wouldn’t even check into it untill they said I had 3 concecutive miscarriages. They did do a pathology which did not give them any answers. I had a healthy daughter which I carried full term almost to the same date a year later. I would get a good physical and maybe an internal ultrasound which will show your overies etc… and then go from there.
 
I have symptoms of a thyroid problem and had them before concieving my daughter who was stillborn. I just couldn’t get my family doctor to listen. I am now with a doctor who was educated at the Pope John Paul VI institute. I have endometriosis and have been to the Pope John Paul intitute between my oldest two children. Getting pregnant has alway been the problem until the last two children. Now I have no problem getting pregnant. It seems that I have a problem carrying them to term. The symptoms of thyroid are close to those of depression. I am not depressed. If anything I feel I am not allowed to grieve the loss of my daughter and my son. My son died a month and a half ago. I held his tiny body in my hand. His whole hand fit on the tip of my pinky finger. He was perfectly formed. I could tell he was a boy, my son. There is knowone in their right mind who could walk away from that experience and not grieve. There is a normal grieving process that all of us has to travel. It is not postpartum depression.
 
I agree with you, you just need your time to grieve! It has been only a short time since your loss. I think the insensitivity of others is often very hard to deal with. I remember the people would just say stupid things like: oh don’t worry theres time for another one or at least you were only 4 mos along. People just don’t understand that that was a BABY to you not just a blob. I think if more people understood our feelings and why we are grieving it would be easier. I’m not saying the pain will go away but it would certainly make things a little easier if the people around you understood your feelings.

As far as your medical problems, I know that endometriosis does cause infertility, and I have always thought that if you have had infertility problems then there is always more chance of problems with miscarriages and problems with the pregnancy. I know you said you now have no problem getting pregnant but you did in the past. Thats what happened to me. I had my son when I was 25 years old. I used no birth control of any kind yet did not get pregnant for 12 years. Obvioulsy there was some problem. I then got pregnant and then at 4 mos along lost the pregnancy. I immediatley got pregnant 3 mos later with my daughter and had a fairly normal pregnancy. So obviously no problem then gettin pregnant. After my daughter was born in 1993 again no pregancies with no birth control untill about 4 years later at age 40. I miscarried 5 weeks into that pregnancy. They told me it was menopause but I knew it was a miscarriage. Thru blood work within 24 hours of the miscarriage and then follow up blood work they could tell it definitely was a miscarriage. I sometimes believe it has something to do with a hormonal problem. I knew each time I was pregnant within days of conceiving. I also knew a week before I miscarried at age 40 that that was going to happen since my mornin sickness had disappeared and my breasts were no longer sore. Then when I looked back to 1992 I remember then that all my pregnancy symtons had all disappeared a week before. I felt sooo good that week! (boy was I in for a huge surprise!)
My heart is aching for you. I can’t imagine going thru this 2 times in 1 year. 1 time in a life time is enough.
Find a friend who will listen and just talk and talk it really helps. Don’t let it stay inside of you. Talking about it was my best way of handling it. The hardest part was getting someone to listen to me.
Stay strong and this is when there are only one set of footprints in the sand since God is carrying you. My prayers are with you. If you can’t find a person to talk to feel free to private message me. I will try to help you as much as I can.
 
I believe I heard you today on the radio talking with Jonette Benkovic and the priest with her (I forget his name). You did such a nice job sharing about your loss and about the life of your son.
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That was you??? Oh my goodness. I am so happy you got on that radio show and shared your feelings. Not good at speaking?? It was wonderful. God truly used you in my life. I have never had a miscarriage, thank God, and I never realized the impact that a miscarriage can have on a woman. You truly opened my eyes to what many have gone and are going through. I have a friend who lost her 14 week old baby as well and she was severely depressed for over a month. I could not understand why…how stupid is that? How could I as a mom not realize that her baby died? I felt so ignorant as you were speaking but at the same time I began to realize and beleive everything you were saying. May God continue to be with you and may He hold your babies in His arms and love them.
 
That was you??? Oh my goodness. I am so happy you got on that radio show and shared your feelings. Not good at speaking?? It was wonderful. God truly used you in my life.
That is exactly why I wanted to write Joseph’s obituary. Of course it helps me to work through the grief of loosing two children but in all things there is a reason. I feel we are not judged on what happens to us, but on how we handle what happens to us. Some days I am better at handling things than others. Tell your friend that she is in my prayers. Here little one is a Saint in heaven.
 
dkoinzan said:
He has a soul. He is a child of God as am I. In the culture of death we don’t recognize the value of each person. I held him. He is my son.
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Have you ever thought of starting a support group for women who have had miscarriages or still born children? There seems to be a need for it. —KCT
 
Thank you for sharing the life and death of your son with us. My mum lost all her babies except me, and I lost a child May 15 1982. I never named my child, I didn’t see the little one so I felt I didn’t have the right, so little one’s name is known only to God. My child had a twin who did live, and every day I wonder who the sibling would have turned out to be -another redhead, tall, short etc. I am doing my best to be very good to get to heaven and find out.
I passed your obituary on to a family who lost a little one the day before Christmas.May it comfort them as it has comforted me.
 
OP,
Your post touched me. I have a brother who would be 15 right now. My parents named him Joseph Aaron.

They participated in a remembrance Mass and ceremony headed by our Archbishop and received a certificate similar to a birth certificate with his name and a prayer, signed by the Archbishop. It was a commerative action that can help with healing.
 
KCT said:
Have you ever thought of starting a support group for women who have had miscarriages or still born children? There seems to be a need for it. —KCT
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Thank you for the compliment. I am not sure I would be the right person to start a support group right now. Little Joseph has given me a wonderful opportunity to educate people about life. So many people seem to think we are parents to be when we are pregnant. We are parents at conception. If I can reach just a few people with that message, Joseph’s life will have changed the world.
 
dkoinzan said:
Thank you for the compliment. I am not sure I would be the right person to start a support group right now. Little Joseph has given me a wonderful opportunity to educate people about life. So many people seem to think we are parents to be when we are pregnant. We are parents at conception. If I can reach just a few people with that message, Joseph’s life will have changed the world.
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dkoinzan, thank you for this thread.

My wife miscarried recently. She would have been pregnant five weeks today.

I will pray for all of you.
 
dk, this is a wonderful thread, and I do beleive that you have opened eyes to what a child really really is- love from God that is given to us for a time, a time that can be short or a time that can surpass our own. In any case, when we lose love, we are going to grieve. Too many people expect us to shove our feelings under the carpet- they dont want to hear
about it. I say shout it from the mountaintop!

dk, i hope that you dont think I am trying to hijack your thread, I just feel that your OP has brought up LIFE issues, and that i can see paralells…bless you and your family

This thread reminds me of a couple of cases in life in which we are expected to ignore, hide, or forget our babies.
  1. Remeber when it was absolutely unacceptable to share the news of a pregnancy until you had safely passed the 1st trimester? That was simply to spare anyone the details or have to mourn or comfort you in any way. HOOEY! I have spread the news as soon as I found out- I cant contain my excitement. And you know what? I want my friends and family to know because if something did happen to the baby, i dont WANT to hide. Keeping the news to yourself only perpetuates the hiding. I feel like it demoralizes the precious life that dwelt inside by not acknowledging it. I want to grieve without shame.
  2. Adoption- Remember when young women were forced to give up their babies if conceived out of wedlock? Now I know this is far better an option than abortion, but what about those who wanted to try to keep their babies? Older teens and those in their early 20s, etc…And to not know where they were taken to and who would adopt them, etc. I tell you from experience, this is true heartbreak. I have been expected to not count my son as one of my children. Everyone says to me now, “oh you are gonna have a 3rd baby” and I think to myself, no I am having my 4th baby. I still dont have the courage to always stand up for him to be counted. I am a product of this cultural problem. I am supposed to be embarrassed of him. Shame on me… 😦
Consequently, I was informed that at 2 mos he died of SIDS. So on top of being ‘embarrassed’ about the adoption, I am then grieving for a son that I only held once that I shall never hold again. Again, we are not supposed to grieve for our children.

I tell you- our culture has devalued life for far too long. dk, bless you for bringing your dear children forward to be counted. I am going to visit those websites that have been listed here and make him be counted. I am going to make a more concerted effort to stop ignoring him, as I have done for almost 17 years. Thank you for sharing with us, and I know you have helped many, many people. God is truly great!

melissaP**
 
Melissa, I thank you for bringing your son forward. He was put on this earth for a purpose and God is thankful for your, “YES” to his will. I will pray for you and I am sure your son is praying for you. You didn’t hi-jack my thread, you Blessed it. I want my Son’s obituary to open peoples eyes and have them spread the news that God gives life and it is precious. I want to do my little part to break down the culture of death.
 
I had mass said for my son. In our church, it is the custom to say, “For the intention of this Mass______________, we pray to the Lord.” The priest didn’t say his name. Later he said he knew it was Joseph’s Mass and he just didn’t say Joseph’s name, but the Mass was still said for him. I am hurt! His thoughtlessness was uncalled for. He did the same with my daughter. The only pictures I have of either child are the fussy ultrasound pictures. The only memories I have are of washing their little bodies for burial. I wanted to cherish a memory. Maybe I am just selfish. I wanted the joy of haveing their names said during mass. I don’t get Baptism, first confession, first communion… :mad:
 
No way!!! You are not selfish!!! Did you ask the priest why he would not say little Josephs name?? I would be so upset and hurt.
 
I am sorry to hear that. I hope it is a misunderstanding.

I’ve had Masses said for both my babies Gabriel & Theresa. It is comforting to have the Mass said and to see their names in the bulletin. They are also added to the Our Souls Day list of names in the cementery where they are buried.

If it turns out the priest does not want to mention their name (I do not know if you are feeling up to clarifying the situation with him…), maybe you could have Masses said at another parish?

I hope to have Masses always said for their memories on their anniversaries (not on the miscarriage anniversary - that is too sad, maybe the month of their conception)

I am also thinking about offering a Mass in memory of all babies that have died before birth
 
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