Prolonged Abstinence in Marriage

[ldavid]

Greetings,

I am a husband and father of 8 children, who are the joy of my life. My wife is a hero who sacrificed her body for years to birth and breastfeed one child after another, with little respite between them. I’m not grumpy or crying in my soup, though my story is a sad one, I suppose. I will skip the sad story however, because I’m sure it’s a common one, and because in this post I don’t want to dwell on that, only on what is possible now. I am happy to fill in details if others want to know, or for clarification etc.

I am interested in what people think about prolonged abstinence in marriage, and in particular if anyone has successfully maintained marital unity during such a time(s). By marital unity I mean emotional, psychological and (some kind of) physical intimacy, that distinguishes the spouses from roommates or merely parenting partners.

I consider “prolonged” abstinence to be in the range of months to years. I am assuming there are valid reasons for such, and am not really interested in debating whether one “should” have to endure them. I and many others do, and I believe for necessary reasons (using NFP to avoid pregnancy through perimenopause for example).

I just want to hear from others who have (or have not) been able to “make it work”, as it were. In my own case, I am finding no solution and no hope for anything resembling a loving marriage. Even intellectually it is hard to understand how our relationship now is anything more than parents. I can imagine some would say I put too much emphasis on sex, and this may be true. It’s so hard to judge oneself in a society so sexually disordered as ours. I understand that marriage is a sacrament by definition, and that sex is not required for the sacrament (only the potential for it); however it is also an experience or relationship or whatever you want to call the emotional/psychological/physical aspects of it (incarnational aspects?). I am not worried that my marriage is not a true sacrament; I am worried that it is and will be an unhealthy relationship, to the detriment of my wife and I and our children.

What helps me personally is attending mass as often as possible, the rosary and other devotions to the Blessed Mother, and eucharistic adoration. Mary has helped our marriage in miraculous ways in the past, and I trust she can again. However, does it take a miracle to survive this? Is that normal?

Thanks for reading (and responding if you do).

ld

 

[TheRealJuliane]

Do you know why your wife does not want sexual intimacy with you? How old are you both? 8 kids is a heck of a lot…her body may not work the same way, in fact, I am sure it does not. As she ages, her tissues will thin out and her natural moisture will decrease, making intercourse not as pleasurable. After 8 kids and all that goes along with it, she may feel so used up and unattractive that she just doesn’t want to even think about your love for her body. If she has not had a chance to keep up with her physicals, this would be a good time to go and talk to her doctor. She could be mildly depressed or have thyroid problems, both of which can lead to a decrease in libido. She could be in menopause.

Are you giving her other forms of affection? Are you showing her your appreciation every day? With women, part could be physical but I can tell you that from where I stand, about 85% of my attitude about sex is that my husband shows me -0- physical and emotional attention outside the bedroom. Sex is his only way of showing that he loves me, and it’s just not how I roll, you know? I’ve tried explaining this in every possible form but he’s tone deaf - does not want to actually make changes to accommodate anyone else’s needs or desires. With women, if our heads and emotions aren’t in it, the rest of our bodies ain’t gonna be in it. Do you help with the housework? With 8 kids I’m sure there is more than enough to go around!

See, you said that without sex, you don’t have “anything resembling a loving marriage.” I know that sex is unitive but what if she were physically chronically ill, or you were? What would you do then, to show her you loved her for better or for worse? Could you accept not getting your sexual needs met or would you think of other solutions? Your marriage IS a sacrament whether or not it includes sex - you don’t take vows stating that you will both agree to have sex 2 times a week for the rest of your lives!

Is your wife willing to problem solve about this with you?

 

[whm]

Dave you are quite honest about your feelings. I think that is a good thing and a good start.

I am interested in what people think about prolonged abstinence in marriage, and in particular if anyone has successfully maintained marital unity during such a time(s). By marital unity I mean emotional, psychological and (some kind of) physical intimacy, that distinguishes the spouses from roommates or merely parenting partners.

I have been in such a situation for the last 8 years of my marriage (although for somewhat different reasons, we are in our late 30’s now)

Remember, you and your wife are 1 flesh. Not just when having sex, but for the rest of your lives.

Physical affection is good and important, but be sure to avoid anything that might lead to arousal that can not be fulfilled. For example a shoulder rub may be fine for you, but passionate kissing may be a problem. Be open with her why you are trying to avoid certain forms of affection.

I just want to hear from others who have (or have not) been able to “make it work”, as it were. In my own case, I am finding no solution and no hope for anything resembling a loving marriage. Even intellectually it is hard to understand how our relationship now is anything more than parents. I can imagine some would say I put too much emphasis on sex, and this may be true. It’s so hard to judge oneself in a society so sexually disordered as ours. I understand that marriage is a sacrament by definition, and that sex is not required for the sacrament (only the potential for it); however it is also an experience or relationship or whatever you want to call the emotional/psychological/physical aspects of it (incarnational aspects?). I am not worried that my marriage is not a true sacrament; I am worried that it is and will be an unhealthy relationship, to the detriment of my wife and I and our children.

Quite the contrary, I see your situation as a loving marriage. Sex does not equal love. Love can be expressed through sex with ones spouse. Love is sacrificial and you guys are making great sacrifices for each other and your family. Think of how Jesus showed his love for us…on the Cross.

What helps me personally is attending mass as often as possible, the rosary and other devotions to the Blessed Mother, and eucharistic adoration. Mary has helped our marriage in miraculous ways in the past, and I trust she can again. However, does it take a miracle to survive this? Is that normal?

Those are great things to do in your situation:thumbsup:. Don’t always do them by yourself. Include your wife in these prayers. She will be quite touched to know how much you respect her to pray to maintain your love for her and to avoid impurity for her. She can help provide the strength you need. Still treat her as a “princess” let her give her flowers, open doors, do dishes etc. She will love you even more knowing you do these things for her sake.

Also, be extra vigilant to avoid any inappropriate tv/movies/ internet etc. This mean most sitcoms, and rated R and even rated pg movies. Don’t listen to sophomoric radio either. Don’t get caught up in the idea that you are somehow “missing out”

 

[Corki]

I am interested in what people think about prolonged abstinence in marriage, and in particular if anyone has successfully maintained marital unity during such a time(s). By marital unity I mean emotional, psychological and (some kind of) physical intimacy, that distinguishes the spouses from roommates or merely parenting partners.

I consider “prolonged” abstinence to be in the range of months to years. I am assuming there are valid reasons for such, and am not really interested in debating whether one “should” have to endure them. I and many others do, and I believe for necessary reasons (using NFP to avoid pregnancy through perimenopause for example).

ld

My husband and I have been in that situation (for different reasons) a few times in our marriage. The first few were in the range of several months but the most recent has been almost 4 years. We don’t consider it something we “endure;” it is just part of the changing character of married life. We have a very loving marriage.

 

[gmarie21]

You sound like my husband, but we only have three children, but I also work 5 days a week and am gone for about 12 hours per day (I work in childcare so my days are busy and energy consuming). I also bring our kids some of the days so hubby can work around the house. What does your wife’s day look like? Have you tried living it for a day and seen if you were still in the mood? And not just the physical demands but also the emotional demands since that zaps energy too? Also, has your wife been able to take care of her basic needs? I usually shower when my kids are asleep or if hubby is home (he’s gone 3 - 4 nights per week), however I don’t always stay awake more than 5 minutes after the kids fall asleep (I survive on about 7 hours of sleep minus the times I wake up to breastfeed throughout the night, where hubby gets at least 8) and when it’s been more than two days I shower at work (I work with my mom). I really don’t get to meet my daily needs. Hubby helps a lot around the house, but fails to see that it is because I bring the kids with me. If I had 12 hours without my family I’d be able to clean my house from top to bottom, shower, dress nicely, cook meals, and have energy for love making. Just like Juliane, I think sometimes my husband just doesn’t hear me when I say what I need to fulfill his (and our marriage’s) needs.

 

[KostyaJMJ]

What does your wife’s day look like? Have you tried living it for a day and seen if you were still in the mood?

From reading the OP I take it they are unable to use NFP - not that his wife is never in the mood.

I don’t have any answers for you, OP. It is something that I struggle with, so maybe you are the one that needs to advise me. My wife an I become room-mates during extended periods. She hates it more than I do. She hates me sleeping in another room and the fact that I avoid even brushing against her. I’ve considered taking anti-depressants for it. It is not easy for us at all. I hope all turns out for the best with you and your wife.

 

[jamanne]

Maybe your wife has come to a point in her life when she would like to be something other than someone’s mother.I’am sure she loves everyone of her children but maybe she has some hopes for more schooling or an exercise class or some mentally stimulating activities maybe night classes at something she’s interested in.Maybe you just assume that motherhood is the only interest in her life .Lots of men fall into the mode of seeing their spouse in very one dimensional view,and cannot imagine that she might have an interest which doesn’t include you or her children.Maybe she;s tired physically and mentally and needs help now as her body changes with menopause.Lots of women hit menopause and get a change of attitude about a lot of things including sex marriage ,priorities change ,and get ready for it she might she just not be interested in sex anymore because to her it would mean more pregnancies she may not be physically or mentally capable of, eight children in a row is hard going for the toughest of women so be ready for her to move on to the next phase of her life ,she may feel taken for granted or used so step up to the plate and you better start treating her like the princess she is or there will be big changes in your relationship

 

[bieby2]

Use this prayer contaceptive method:

Full rosary before marital act

Female says 3 Hail marys, 3 our Fathers during it (yell so God can hear)

St. michael the Archangel prayer after the act

 

[BrushedByAngels]

I don’t believe that you must have sex in order to have a loving marriage. I think its most important to be partners and “a team” together. I’m sure your wife loves you. Lack of sex life does not mean you don’t have a healthy marriage.

 

[larsenl1]

Greetings,

I am a husband and father of 8 children, who are the joy of my life. My wife is a hero who sacrificed her body for years to birth and breastfeed one child after another, with little respite between them. I’m not grumpy or crying in my soup, though my story is a sad one, I suppose. I will skip the sad story however, because I’m sure it’s a common one, and because in this post I don’t want to dwell on that, only on what is possible now. I am happy to fill in details if others want to know, or for clarification etc.

I am interested in what people think about prolonged abstinence in marriage, and in particular if anyone has successfully maintained marital unity during such a time(s). By marital unity I mean emotional, psychological and (some kind of) physical intimacy, that distinguishes the spouses from roommates or merely parenting partners.

I consider “prolonged” abstinence to be in the range of months to years. I am assuming there are valid reasons for such, and am not really interested in debating whether one “should” have to endure them. I and many others do, and I believe for necessary reasons (using NFP to avoid pregnancy through perimenopause for example).

I just want to hear from others who have (or have not) been able to “make it work”, as it were. In my own case, I am finding no solution and no hope for anything resembling a loving marriage. Even intellectually it is hard to understand how our relationship now is anything more than parents. I can imagine some would say I put too much emphasis on sex, and this may be true. It’s so hard to judge oneself in a society so sexually disordered as ours. I understand that marriage is a sacrament by definition, and that sex is not required for the sacrament (only the potential for it); however it is also an experience or relationship or whatever you want to call the emotional/psychological/physical aspects of it (incarnational aspects?). I am not worried that my marriage is not a true sacrament; I am worried that it is and will be an unhealthy relationship, to the detriment of my wife and I and our children.

What helps me personally is attending mass as often as possible, the rosary and other devotions to the Blessed Mother, and eucharistic adoration. Mary has helped our marriage in miraculous ways in the past, and I trust she can again. However, does it take a miracle to survive this? Is that normal?

Thanks for reading (and responding if you do).

ld

IDavid

I understand what you are experiencing. I am a wife. I have been married 20 years. I like making love with my husband.

I have been in prolonged abstinence for 10 months due to the fact my husband is in excrutiating pain and the level of pain pills and his depression basically cause him to not be interested in sex. Yes it is true, ladies, there are things that override the stereotypical male sex drive. Before the 10 months, we had gotten to the point of once every 2 or 3 months.

We are working through the medical issues to control his pain. We also have a child who is emotionally disturbed. So there is a lot going on every day.

My husband and I talk about concerns in our family, politics, economics, church, etc. We sleep in the same bed. I remember his pain pill schedule. I remember his doctor appts. He tells me that I am an amazing woman and a wonderful woman. This buoys my spirits. He constantly expresses his love for me and cooks for me and runs errands for the family while I am at work because I am the provider. We have an intimate relationship. Do I wish that there was sex? Yes. Is it the end of my marriage? No.

BTW, I would not ever want my husband to sleep in a different room. I enjoy having him next to me.

I hope that helps.

 

[ldavid]

Thanks for the replies. I was going to reply to each one’s questions individually but it may be more efficient to tackle them all at once.

First, it seems some more background would help clarify the situation, as well as answer several of the followup questions. We have been married for 19 years, I was a protestant pastor for 12 of those years, and we joined the Catholic Church in 2008. On the whole that was one of the best decisions we ever made, and we love our Church. The Church’s teaching on contraception has been difficult to live with, though intellectually we are both in hearty agreement. Ironically, we hardly ever used contraception as protestants; we had 7 of our 8 kids before coming into the Church. However, when we got to the stage in life when we determined to avoid pregnancy, NFP was the only option. We use a variety of methods to track fertility and her cycles have been very regular. We abstain before ovulation because we want to be cautious (her health and our finances dictate this wisdom). So our normal schedule involves roughly 8-10 days of “green light” time each month, which I assume is normal for NFP, but has been challenging for me to get used to. I suspect this is not uncommon for married converts who were used to being able have sex whenever they felt like it. And of course, 8-10 days of green light time translates to 0-3 or 4 times together each month, since most days just don’t work, with family schedule, tiredness, etc.

We have had other intimacy challenges since the beginning of our marriage (health related for my wife, mostly) that we are still trying to work through. After 19 years its hard to be optimistic that we’ll get it worked out before we’re too old to really care any more; but that’s another topic and part of the “sad story” I referred to originally.

Speaking of years, I’m 43 and she is 44. The reason we’re abstinent now is not (only) because she has little interest/energy, but because she has begun perimenopause (at least she thinks so since this is the first missed cycle in her otherwise clockwork life, and she is not pregnant because we’ve been abstinent). Also, she is very tired and does work very hard. One of the negative consequences of joining the Church is that as a protestant pastor I had to change careers in midlife. In 2007. In Michigan (which had/has the highest unemployment in the nation). So I work 3 jobs 80 hours per week to barely survive. She is going back to school now that the kids are mostly older and in 3 years should be able to contribute to the household income. Of course in the mean time, she has less time and we spend more money for her tuition, supplies, etc. Anyway, we’re both dead tired most of the time, and she legitimately has almost every excuse in the book for not being “in the mood”. However, none of that is the sticking point now, since even if all that were different and we both had lots of energy and desire, we have to abstain indefinitely (until she ovulates or we know for certain she won’t ever again).

So, I appreciate the posts from the other moms asking essentially if I love my wife well, do enough chores, etc. The answer is probably not, but few husbands do. My wife’s not perfect either. But that’s not our main trouble nor what I’m really interested in now. I.e. it’s not her lack of desire (because I’m not a good enough husband or any other reason) that is the issue, it’s the necessary abstinence that’s the issue. I know very well the key to my wife’s heart is not sex or even physical affection, but words and time (with her and the kids) and housework, more or less in that order. We get each other in that regard (we’ve had the “I’m not like you” talk dozens of times).

Finally, I did not mean to imply that a marriage cannot be loving without being sexual. I was talking about my feelings then - a skill I learned from my wife, against the better judgment of my logical mind. As such, logical implications of what I said don’t apply. In all seriousness, what I really meant is that I don’t feel like I am “in love” with my wife, nor she with me. I certainly do love her, and express that love daily; and she loves me and expresses it too. But I love my mother and my daughters and my sister too; in my marriage I’m hoping for - even expecting - something more or other than the love I have for those dear ones. And the main thing that differentiates marital love (the feeling/attraction as opposed to the act of the will) is sex. Now I will be the first to say that feeling “in love” is not necessary for marriage. However, who of us would say that it isn’t better to be “in love” with your spouse? If only for the kids sake; my teenagers pick up on every subtle cue and read us like books. They know exactly how we’re doing with each other, even if they don’t have the vocabulary to articulate it. My wife and I both grew up in “loveless” homes in terms of our parents’ relationships, and we don’t want to subject our children to that.

Anyway, I hope that clears things up a bit, and if anyone is still reading, I’d still like to hear any thoughts about the nature of prolonged abstinence itself and how to understand/deal with it in marriage.

Thanks,
ld

 

[larsenl1]

In all seriousness, what I really meant is that I don’t feel like I am “in love” with my wife, nor she with me. I certainly do love her, and express that love daily; and she loves me and expresses it too. But I love my mother and my daughters and my sister too; in my marriage I’m hoping for - even expecting - something more or other than the love I have for those dear ones. And the main thing that differentiates marital love (the feeling/attraction as opposed to the act of the will) is sex. Now I will be the first to say that feeling “in love” is not necessary for marriage. However, who of us would say that it isn’t better to be “in love” with your spouse? If only for the kids sake; my teenagers pick up on every subtle cue and read us like books. They know exactly how we’re doing with each other, even if they don’t have the vocabulary to articulate it. My wife and I both grew up in “loveless” homes in terms of our parents’ relationships, and we don’t want to subject our children to that.

Anyway, I hope that clears things up a bit, and if anyone is still reading, I’d still like to hear any thoughts about the nature of prolonged abstinence itself and how to understand/deal with it in marriage.

Thanks,
ld

You seem like a very nice guy. Wow, changing careers, 8 kids, working so much! You have had a lot to take in.

If I may be blunt, as the nature of this type of conversation seems to necessitate, I wonder were you ever “in-love” with your wife? I ask because I think that is why my marriage is in tact. I am crazy in love with my husband, probably more today than the night back in 1984 when I first saw him. I feel like he is also in love with me.

We are in abstinence because it is really very difficult right now to manage anything else. We deal with it because that is just the way it is. Most days I would really really really like it if we made love. And I go without. Say a prayer. Do the dishes. Read a book, sometimes a romance novel that might even have too much detail than is actually correct and proper. But I still lie in bed next to him. I still lay my head on his shoulder. Yes, it is a big challenge. But my options are to be married and no sex or have an affair so I can be selfish and satisfied. I choose to be married. Once I broke it down like that and saw that I had options, it was less challenging.

Both of our daughters have said to people that they want a marriage like their parents. I was amazed when my oldest daughter wrote a high school paper about marriage and used us an example. I didn’t think she noticed!

I don’t want you to think I am being trite. We deal with one income instead of two. What other choice is there? We deal with a child who needs A LOT of therapy and medication. What other choice is there? I cannot turn her out on the street. Acceptance is a virtue.

So one other thing, if you have taken the time to know your wife’s cycle and know the green light times, before her missed period, I wonder why, then, there was not sex? I rarely ever refused my husband. Anyway, my point being, if she was just going to refuse intimacy why bother with the NFP in the first place? Food for thought. You don’t need to tell us the answers.

Good luck!

 

[faithfully]

Quickly… I’m sure you love your mother and sister… but doubt you want to have sex with them

Sounds like you still would like to have sex with your wife… so if that helps you define marital love… I have a feeling your still in it…

Further,… age 44… Perimenopause isn’t really something she “thinks” she’s in…You could safely bet your next paycheck that she IS in perimenopause… and probably has been the last 5+ years. It starts in the late 30’s…

Probably worth talking to and NFP doctor about. And also, perhaps having her hormones checked. Just 'cause she’s in perimenopause, doesn’t mean that she has to suffer a crazy cycle and such. It can be helped with hormones (natural or synthetic) and NOT ABC…

Also, it seems that she could be tested to see if her egg quality is even any good or abundant… check into the reality of that…

 

[TheRealJuliane]

From reading the OP I take it they are unable to use NFP - not that his wife is never in the mood.

I don’t have any answers for you, OP. It is something that I struggle with, so maybe you are the one that needs to advise me. My wife an I become room-mates during extended periods. She hates it more than I do. She hates me sleeping in another room and the fact that I avoid even brushing against her. I’ve considered taking anti-depressants for it. It is not easy for us at all. I hope all turns out for the best with you and your wife.

Do you sleep in the other room so as not to tantalize her, or have her approach you and get rejected? I’ve been where you are with avoiding any physical contact so that it won’t be interpreted in a sexual way. My husband noticed that I stopped telling him “Good night,” because I was afraid he would turn over, start to cuddle and then want sex. I mean, that’s terrible, right? But I did not want to go through the pain of explaining why I was tired, wasn’t in the mood, was angry, etc. and then having him get angry at me.

I know it drives him crazy. But we just don’t intersect that much any more - he’s gone for 2 weeks out of every month, and then when he comes back he’s jet lagged and goes to bed at like 8 p.m. and gets up at 3 a.m. It absolutely makes our relationship very very difficult, and since we were having problems before all this traveling, it sure hasn’t helped.

He has way more interest in sex than I do at this point. I feel sad that he can’t understand my point of view and he is frustrated that I can’t just be the way I used to be. I mean, we were never that well-matched since I think he’s way over-sexed and I am more normal, but I’m sure he feels that I am pathetically under-sexed and he is the normal one.

Well, I will stop before I hijack the OP’s thread. This is a very pertinent subject for me. It’s the one issue that might cause my husband to divorce me.

 

[TheRealJuliane]

OP, also have her ask her doctor for a thyroid blood test - She could be really hypothyroid and not low-desire. That little itty-bitty gland in our throats controls a whole heck of a lot of bodily functions that we take for granted.

Even if she’s healthy as a horse, there is enough going on in your life that she has a reason to be tired and overwhelmed. I cannot for the life of me create the identity of my husband’s lover. I feel only like a parent, a wife, a friend, but not like the lovers we were before children and even this crazy phase of our lives with teenagers and young adults.



The last few years have simply drained me - we had a very rebellious son who just stretched us way beyond our resources, and we are just recovering from that. One of our sons left for college and that really turned the family on its head too. These are not small things in the life of a family.

 

[Inthemountains]

I’m not sure I understand- is the primary reason you don’t have sex is because she hasn’t ovulated and is in perimenopause?

I find alot of these answers strange and disheartening. I think it is wrong to downplay the importance of sex in a marriage. I know that if there is a reason such as an actual physical inability to have sex, that a marriage might have to be sexless and one is to still remain faithful. Sex is an important part of marriage and a distinguishing characteristic of marital love. Maybe you would feel “in love” with your wife if you “make love” with your wife.

 

[convert38]

I’ll put my two cents in - NFP was the BIGGEST turn off for me as a wife! I’ll catch heat for saying this but consider condoms it will allow you to be together when the mood and timing allow but it won’t abort if you do convice.

I don’t think removing sex from a marriage is wise or healthy. I think catholics who do only play to “Catholics are only happy when they are miserable”.

 

[cviolette]

I know it drives him crazy. But we just don’t intersect that much any more - he’s gone for 2 weeks out of every month, and then when he comes back he’s jet lagged and goes to bed at like 8 p.m. and gets up at 3 a.m. It absolutely makes our relationship very very difficult, and since we were having problems before all this traveling, it sure hasn’t helped.

He has way more interest in sex than I do at this point. I feel sad that he can’t understand my point of view and he is frustrated that I can’t just be the way I used to be. I mean, we were never that well-matched since I think he’s way over-sexed and I am more normal, but I’m sure he feels that I am pathetically under-sexed and he is the normal one.

My husband travels to the middle east. He is the same way when he gets back. Bed early and up at 3 or 4 in the morning. I just have him wake me up when he gets up. We make love then I go back to sleep.

I don’t think most couples are lucky enough to have equal sex drives but you can compromise. Meet somewhere in the middle. I am the over-sexed one and my husband is the normal one so I try to have sex when it is convenient for him.

Even if she’s healthy as a horse, there is enough going on in your life that she has a reason to be tired and overwhelmed. I cannot for the life of me create the identity of my husband’s lover. I feel only like a parent, a wife, a friend, but not like the lovers we were before children and even this crazy phase of our lives with teenagers and young adults.



The last few years have simply drained me - we had a very rebellious son who just stretched us way beyond our resources, and we are just recovering from that. One of our sons left for college and that really turned the family on its head too. These are not small things in the life of a family.

I have a 12 year old daughter and three teenage boys. Definitely stressful times. Less physically draining than when they were little but more mentally draining. I pray a lot. I ask for the graces from God to survive their teenage years. My 18 year old has trashed the cars 3 times in less than 2 months. Lots of praying

 

[TheRealJuliane]

I’m not sure I understand- is the primary reason you don’t have sex is because she hasn’t ovulated and is in perimenopause?

I find alot of these answers strange and disheartening. I think it is wrong to downplay the importance of sex in a marriage. I know that if there is a reason such as an actual physical inability to have sex, that a marriage might have to be sexless and one is to still remain faithful. Sex is an important part of marriage and a distinguishing characteristic of marital love. Maybe you would feel “in love” with your wife if you “make love” with your wife.

Absolutely NO ONE who has responded is downplaying the importance of sex in a marriage! Either we are in the wife’s position, or we are in the husband’s position, and neither place is comfortable or easy in any way. We would all like to have strong and fulfilling sex lives! We all know that marital union is strengthened by sexual intercourse.

But there are times when a couple’s intimate life gets thrown off-track. There are physical elements, psychological elements, spiritual elements. Sometimes things just don’t work very well, as in the OP. Sometimes, the couple needs to work on communication. Sometimes, there just isn’t much that can be done, if it’s a medical or other physical problem. Eventually, if we live that long, most of us won’t be chasing each other around the nursing home!

 

[Inthemountains]

I’ll put my two cents in - NFP was the BIGGEST turn off for me as a wife! I’ll catch heat for saying this but consider condoms it will allow you to be together when the mood and timing allow but it won’t abort if you do convice.

I don’t think removing sex from a marriage is wise or healthy. I think catholics who do only play to “Catholics are only happy when they are miserable”.

If you want to get pregnant, then by all means use a condom for birth control!

Why are you constantly posting in NFP threads encouraging people to use ABC? Fine, NFP didn’t work for you. But there are some of us struggling to make it work. I don’t think you should be actively encouraging people to join you in opposing Catholic teaching. This is a Catholic forum and your “encouragement” is just not helpful.