Promoting Intimacy Between Spouses

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This is a thread to any of the husbands out there who struggle to interest their wives in sex.
In a response to a previous post I mentioned that my husband became, by the grace of God, and very loving, kind man, from the bear he had been in the first few years of our marriage.
Seeing my husband reading to the toddlers was so sweet and, well, fatherly, that I couldn’t resist. He is now the epitome of what I had dreamed of. It’s very cozy, warm and loving.
Second, I don’t think anyone is completely uninterested in sex. I would have said I was practically asexual 8-9 years ago. However, I could be aroused.
My suggestion is this. Back rubs, caressing, etc. BUT, I would suggest stopping of your own decision and telling her you just wanted that closeness, and no more, because it’s about being near her, not about sex.
Somehow that element of distance makes me start to yearn a bit myself. You can throw a few more gestures on for good measure (I always like some Godiva chocolate).
The unity of the sex, I have learned, is very important. But at the same time my husband has had to learn that I don’t always need the climax. There are times when I just want to have the intimacy without the, well, you know.
Don’t give up on your sex life. It may take years, as it did for us, but we are really coming into a happy groove in our marriage, and we’re on year 13.
 
You DO know that there are 13-year-old members of these forums? I don’t think this sort of post is appropriate at all. Would you like a 13-year-old child of yours to be reading about your sex life?
 
Uh, admittedly I didn’t think of that. But I think what I have posted is quite benign. It was done in an effort to give ideas for working through something lots of us find difficult in our Catholic family vocations.
Truly, I would think the moderators would have edited or deleted the post if it were that far out.
Have you objected to the other threads that address this very topic?
 
exiled said:
Uh, admittedly I didn’t think of that. But I think what I have posted is quite benign. It was done in an effort to give ideas for working through something lots of us find difficult in our Catholic family vocations.
Truly, I would think the moderators would have edited or deleted the post if it were that far out.
Have you objected to the other threads that address this very topic?
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I have objected to other threads, yes. Part of it is to do with how such topics are addressed. If someone comes into the forum and asks a question seeking advice or information, and then receives it, that’s one thing. For you to offer, totally unsolicited, details of your sex life in a public forum is a different thing entirely.

Admittedly it’s a somewhat grey area, which is what our wonderful mods are for. Certainly they can’t be everywhere at once, so the fact that they didn’t immediately shut down this thread doesn’t mean they won’t do so.
 
I think that she is posting in response to another thread where there is a husband lamenting the fact that his wife seems to not be interested in being intimate. So, I don’t think it is totally out of the blue.

Also, she is not giving any details about her actual sex life, just talking about what her husband does to make her feel that attraction and spark that connection between them. It really isn’t anything lurid I don’t think.

I think it might just seem odd since it is out of context. If it had been written as a reply to the other post, it would have made more sense.

Really though, it is probably some good advice for a husband.
 
Exiled,

I don’t think your post was graphic at all. I enjoyed reading it. Thank you for posting it.
 
Thanks for the benefit of the doubt. The specific poster I was addressing had said he would “close out” the thread he had started, so I didn’t figure he would read if I went there.
Intimacy can really polarize a couple who are practicing NFP, breastfeeding, and chastity. There is no doubt that men and women have far different needs and wants, and it’s really hard to get through those years before you find you rhythm (no pun intended) that both of you are happy with.
I would hate to see a couple get to the point of irreparable (hmm. did I spell that right?) damage when any of us might contribute to the proverbial “light at the end of the tunnel.”
 
Hello there!

I just logged on and saw this thread!
The previous thread was started by me.

Thank you for posting this one.

Really, it was not offensive at all and really helped me. In fact I’m going to try just that!

The post will most surely benefit me, thanks again!

In Christ,
PM.
 
I don’t think this sort of post is appropriate at all.
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Well the moderators seem to think differently, as it’s still here.

At 13 years old (whether you like it or not) a child is going to be very interested in sex. I’d rather have them reading about back-rubs & snuggling, then possible “ahem”… . It tells about intimacy, care, and sharing - not just the/a act.
 
The Catholic Church certainly does not admonish or think that sex within the sanctity of marriage is taboo. Rather it is celebrated as a Holy act, ordained by God Himself.
  • As the “marital act” is indeed Holy within the bounds of marriage…
  • And as long as the discussion is not intended to be puerile and/or lascivious in nature…
  • and the discussion intended as a means to help the laity approach the sacrament of marriage with the joy that God wants for us to experience…
…the conversation, I think, should be most welcome on this board.

I understand the concerns that Lily might have, however, I personally found nothing lewd or untoward in what was posted by “exiled”. 13-year olds are barraged constantly on the Internet by very bad examples of how human sexuality is to be expressed. The above posting (whose viewing should have been screened for content by the 13-year olds’ parents) provides a loving account of a sacramental, Catholic marriage. More 13-year olds should be so lucky.

Let us not forget that God created us “creatures” with an immortal soul, a physical body, and then put us into a physical, temporal realm.

Gen 1:31 And God saw all the things that he had made, and they were very good.

If it is seen by God as “Very Good”, it should seen, cherished, and proclaimed by us as “Very Good Indeed!”
 
Would you like a 13-year-old child of yours to be reading about your sex life?
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Considering that not too many people are named “Exiled” I think she has some level of safety.

Not to mention, would you rather have your 13-yr-old thinking that only hot, unmarried, Hollywood couples are the ones enjoying sex?
 
Exiled,

Thanks for the advice. I wish it were that simple in every case.

I suspect that this works in the majority of cases. But I also believe there are a number of “hard case wives” out there for which all the standard advice doesn’t work. What then?
 
Exiled - thank you for your post. It brings up an important topic and I found nothing in it that was improper.

I guess there will always be some who get uptight when the topic of sex is brought up. Better to have it discussed in a conservative forum such as this than flipping through the tv channels and stopping at Jerry Springer…:eek:
 
Black_Jaque said:
Exiled,

Thanks for the advice. I wish it were that simple in every case.

I suspect that this works in the majority of cases. But I also believe there are a number of “hard case wives” out there for which all the standard advice doesn’t work. What then?
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I think all Christian women want a holy husband, a man seeking to be better, more virtuous. Consider the stuff your wife complains about, justified or not, and see if you can’t work on it. Honestly, when I saw my husband becoming this soft (and I don’t mean wimpy) gentle man, when I saw him holding his tongue responding to our toddlers, I was overcome with happiness. Pretty soon, whenever I heard myself complain, I was realizing that I was the one with the problem. He had made all of these efforts and I still wasn’t satisfied. Then I worked on myself.
Y’know, I don’t know about the hard cases, and there certainly are those. But for me, “exiled”, is a reminder for me that this life is an exile from Paradise, and that crosses are meant to be heavy. However, even in the worst of times, and I’ve gone through my share, this is a pretty good exile. There is always something beautiful in life, and God has been so kind to exile us in a way filled with so many joys and loves.
Because of our fallen natures, there will certainly be some husbands and wives who will remain self centered, despite the best efforts from the spouse. But, I guess in such cases we have to live chaste, married lives. It doesn’t seem right, but the spouse who fails to live up to his/her obligation (and I’d like to see this done in love) does not absolve us of our obligations to God. We will all answer for our own sins, as well as how we may have led others into sin.
I’m sure my husband and I will have some more ups and downs before death do us part, but by the grace of God we will remember that “this too shall pass”.
 
exiled said:
I think all Christian women want a holy husband, a man seeking to be better, more virtuous. Consider the stuff your wife complains about, justified or not, and see if you can’t work on it. Honestly, when I saw my husband becoming this soft (and I don’t mean wimpy) gentle man, when I saw him holding his tongue responding to our toddlers, I was overcome with happiness. Pretty soon, whenever I heard myself complain, I was realizing that I was the one with the problem. He had made all of these efforts and I still wasn’t satisfied. Then I worked on myself.
Y’know, I don’t know about the hard cases, and there certainly are those. But for me, “exiled”, is a reminder for me that this life is an exile from Paradise, and that crosses are meant to be heavy. However, even in the worst of times, and I’ve gone through my share, this is a pretty good exile. There is always something beautiful in life, and God has been so kind to exile us in a way filled with so many joys and loves.
Because of our fallen natures, there will certainly be some husbands and wives who will remain self centered, despite the best efforts from the spouse. But, I guess in such cases we have to live chaste, married lives. It doesn’t seem right, but the spouse who fails to live up to his/her obligation (and I’d like to see this done in love) does not absolve us of our obligations to God. We will all answer for our own sins, as well as how we may have led others into sin.
I’m sure my husband and I will have some more ups and downs before death do us part, but by the grace of God we will remember that “this too shall pass”.
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Very good advice, exiled. I happen to be married to one of the “hard cases” and it seems sometimes like there is no hope in sight. But I think you are right, we have to live chaste, holy lives. With the grace of God, we can, although sometimes it is hard.

Your posting of this topic has given me some hope.
 
I think all Christian women want a holy husband, a man seeking to be better, more virtuous. Consider the stuff your wife complains about, justified or not, and see if you can’t work on it. Honestly, when I saw my husband becoming this soft (and I don’t mean wimpy) gentle man, when I saw him holding his tongue responding to our toddlers, I was overcome with happiness. Pretty soon, whenever I heard myself complain, I was realizing that I was the one with the problem. He had made all of these efforts and I still wasn’t satisfied. Then I worked on myself.
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I guess this can only work consistantly for Christian women. And then you’ve gotta define what a Christian woman is. Is it someone who just goes through the motions?
Y’know, I don’t know about the hard cases, and there certainly are those. But for me, “exiled”, is a reminder for me that this life is an exile from Paradise, and that crosses are meant to be heavy. However, even in the worst of times, and I’ve gone through my share, this is a pretty good exile. There is always something beautiful in life, and God has been so kind to exile us in a way filled with so many joys and loves.
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I think it helps to distinguish between the Christian women, and the “hard cases”. Men, being men, I suspect that you’ll read about a disproportionate amount of “hard cases” on these forums. If a guy is married to a “Christian woman” as you described in the former paragraph, he likely only needs to read a few threads, get some “pointers”, apply them, and presto! his problems are solved. He is not likely to go through the embarrassment and trouble of posting small problems. However, it is going to be a disproportionate amount of men who have “hard case wives” that will be so desparate as to post to the forum.

Just read PenitentMan’s posts, He’s already tried all the run-of-the-mill suggestions.

I assure you, that if a guy can solve his intimacy troubles simply by washing dishes, folding laundry, buying flowers, and scheduling evenings out, he’ll only need to be told once and you won’t hear from him again.

No I suspect the second part of you paragraph will serve the men married to the hard cases. Encourage them to endure, and keep their eye on the Heavenly Kingdom.
 
Black_Jaque said:
However, it is going to be a disproportionate amount of men who have “hard case wives” that will be so desparate as to post to the forum.

Just read PenitentMan’s posts, He’s already tried all the run-of-the-mill suggestions.

I assure you, that if a guy can solve his intimacy troubles simply by washing dishes, folding laundry, buying flowers, and scheduling evenings out, he’ll only need to be told once and you won’t hear from him again.

No I suspect the second part of you paragraph will serve the men married to the hard cases. Encourage them to endure, and keep their eye on the Heavenly Kingdom.
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Too true on all the above, and great post that Black Jaque is referring to! 🙂
I was getting a bit desperate, since the normal stuff wasn’t yielding any results, hence the posts on the forum.

I am going to apply a suggestion made by Exile, where I just do a snuggle night with *no strings attached *and see if that works.
I told her about it last night and she seemed very pleasantly surprised, but I already got some “I’m tired” remarks today…we’ll see how that turns out.

In the end, I believe that last paragraph is my hope that I need to cling to…keep my side clean, and chaste (it’s dang toughm that part) and keep an eye on heaven.

To be honest, I keep thinking about buying magazines like Maxim, or FHM, but I put those thoughts out of my mind as soon as they enter…

I need to keep focussing on Heaven and try my best to remain chaste and pure in thought and deed!

I’ll pray for all those men who are in my shoes too!

In Christ,
PM.
 
Based on discussions with a number of people who reported very favorably, I am willing to recommend two things:
  1. Wife should be requested to read: “The Proper Care & Feeding of Husbands”
  2. Both spouses should read: “The Proper Care & Feeding of Marriage”
If you all have some extra time, also try these additional easy readings:

“Ten Stupid Things Men Do to Ruin Their Lives”

“Ten Stupid Things Women Do to Ruin Their Lives”

“Woman Power”

Interesting perspectives on behaving well and constructively.

The author in each case is Dr. Laura Schlessinger.

The other thing is to listen to her radio program. She discusses these very issues with people. Because it is a radio program, she needs to be very “succinct”. So, don’t be too put off by her bluntness.

She has a Web site at www.drlaura.com
 
To be honest, I keep thinking about buying magazines like Maxim, or FHM, but I put those thoughts out of my mind as soon as they enter…
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I need to keep focussing on Heaven and try my best to remain chaste and pure in thought and deed!
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I’ll pray for all those men who are in my shoes too!
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Gadzooks! NO! No Maxim!

Dude, I’ll keep hounding you until you either give in or run away - consider fasting.

You’ve got to master your concupiscence. You can master your sexual concupiscence by excersizing mastery over your eating concupiscence. Really, this was advice I got from an old priest - actually the whole congregation got it. But I took it to heart.

Fast once a month, once a week. Something. You’ll eventually find the temptations to sexual impurity are easier to master.

Another priest told me to find another outlet (a healthy one) to channel your energy. Now, you may find yourself in a bit of a conundrum because in order to excersize such a healthy outlet, your wife might not like that either. Because it involves time spent doing “selfish stuff”. Every hour you’re out jogging or whatnot is an hour you’re not helping with children/housework.

I’m not sure, but perhaps therein lies the solution? Perhaps if you pursue other outlets, your wife will be motivated to bring you back home so-to-speak? I’m not certain about it though. Where do you cross the line into being manipulative, vs. just being practical about having personal limitations?

You don’t want to come across as, “If I don’t get what I want, I’m gonna do this…” However, it seems reasonable to say, “If you can’t give me what I need, I will have to take this course of action in order to prevent myself from falling into mortal sin.”
 
Black_Jaque said:
Gadzooks! NO! No Maxim!

Dude, I’ll keep hounding you until you either give in or run away - consider fasting.

You’ve got to master your concupiscence. You can master your sexual concupiscence by excersizing mastery over your eating concupiscence. Really, this was advice I got from an old priest - actually the whole congregation got it. But I took it to heart.

Fast once a month, once a week. Something. You’ll eventually find the temptations to sexual impurity are easier to master.

Another priest told me to find another outlet (a healthy one) to channel your energy. Now, you may find yourself in a bit of a conundrum because in order to excersize such a healthy outlet, your wife might not like that either. Because it involves time spent doing “selfish stuff”. Every hour you’re out jogging or whatnot is an hour you’re not helping with children/housework.

I’m not sure, but perhaps therein lies the solution? Perhaps if you pursue other outlets, your wife will be motivated to bring you back home so-to-speak? I’m not certain about it though. Where do you cross the line into being manipulative, vs. just being practical about having personal limitations?

You don’t want to come across as, “If I don’t get what I want, I’m gonna do this…” However, it seems reasonable to say, “If you can’t give me what I need, I will have to take this course of action in order to prevent myself from falling into mortal sin.”
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Fasting…Dude, you taking away my food when “the other thing” has already been taken away? 🙂 Just joking…I know that I need to be strong, and I’m trying.

You are right about the catch 22 situation, and it’s very easy to slip in to the manipulative roll. I’m very careful about that.
You also hit the nail on the head, I try to be home as much as I can to help out as much as I can to give her a break as much as I can…so my excersie or other free time is very limited…

It feels like a very thin line I’m walking between all the different cliffs surrounding me…

But, yep, no Maxim, I know…and I’ll look into the fasting, thanks.

In Christ.
PM
 
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