Promoting Intimacy Between Spouses

[exiled]

I wish I had this forum when my husband and I were struggling. He would complain about my lack of enthusiasm, and he was right, it was a chore. And is sex objectively good for the woman when she is so unhappy about other aspects of her marriage? (BTW-I’m not saying your wife is unhappy, PM. I’m speaking only about earlier years in my marriage) Sex is so much different for a woman than it is for a man, which is why women cannot “turn it on” as soon as the baby is asleep. I think God intended us to work together so that our biologies would work in harmony, both spouses dying to themselves for the other. And contrary to thinking that by dying I mean “doing it” in utter misery, many of us have experienced the great joy we get when we give to the other. But then the question becomes, who goes first? I know that I would get so frustrated in a matter of days if my husband didn’t respond to efforts with reciprocity, and I’m sure he felt the same. But, it sounds like most here are willing to be patient and diligent, and I’m certain that the receiving spouse will come around to the kindness and holiness of the other.

 

[Black_Jaque]

Exiled,

I think you got the gist of what I mean by the difference between putting on a happy face and masking a sad face.

Perhaps it is good for the wife to “never say no”, but that doesn’t mean she has to pretend she’s eager ever time.

Of course if a wife loses her enthusiasm, but maintains her duty, a loving husband will notice. It will bother him.

From there the two can work towards her re-gaining her enthusiasm. That’s communication.

But she has to be willing to work towards re-gaining her enthusiasm. And he has to be willing to make sacrifices for that too.

 

[exiled]

Exiled,

I think you got the gist of what I mean by the difference between putting on a happy face and masking a sad face.

Perhaps it is good for the wife to “never say no”, but that doesn’t mean she has to pretend she’s eager ever time.

Of course if a wife loses her enthusiasm, but maintains her duty, a loving husband will notice. It will bother him.

From there the two can work towards her re-gaining her enthusiasm. That’s communication.

But she has to be willing to work towards re-gaining her enthusiasm. And he has to be willing to make sacrifices for that too.

Oh, I do get what you mean. But, like I said, I think the difficulties come when the husband wants intimacy nightly, or if the woman thinks twice a month is enough. He’s got to slow down, and she’s got to pick up the pace. Guys also have to realize, as I said before, women don’t need the big finale all the time, warmth and tenderness is plenty.
You mentioned “her enthusiasm” twice. Please realize that a woman’s enthusiasm does not always look the same as a man’s. If the sacrifices you are saying a man should make are to increase her desire for reaching her peak, you’re off base. A woman will let you know when she’s up for that, and the other times she may just want your intimate embrace, and it is no failure on your part.

 

[Black_Jaque]

Please realize that a woman’s enthusiasm does not always look the same as a man’s. If the sacrifices you are saying a man should make are to increase her desire for reaching her peak, you’re off base. A woman will let you know when she’s up for that, and the other times she may just want your intimate embrace, and it is no failure on your part.

No, not exactly. Maybe just increasing her desire for intimacy period. Maybe increasing a desire for peaking too.

By sacrifices, I mean helping her with the housework, or buying her things, or talking/listening, or getting rid of some nasty habit that annoys her, or. . .

 

[PennitentMan]

or if the woman thinks twice a month is enough.

I’d love it if she even thought that…

 

[Black_Jaque]

And is sex objectively good for the woman when she is so unhappy about other aspects of her marriage?

Yes, that is what is meant by “objectively”. It doesn’t mean she is enjoying it, it means she is doing something good. It means that in the face of an attack by Satan, she is fighting back. The key is to fight Satan, not your husband.

But then the question becomes, who goes first?

When husband is down and wife is up, wife leads. When wife is down and husband is up, husband leads. However, when BOTH are down, then husband leads the self-sacrificing charge. Husbands don’t always read the situation. Sometimes wives have to tell them in Black-and-white. “Honey, I know you are down and worn out, and your needs aren’t being met. But I’m in the same situation. If you can do X, Y, and Z for me. That will help me out a great deal, then I can see about doing A, B, and C for you.”

 

[PennitentMan]

Yes, that is what is meant by “objectively”. It doesn’t mean she is enjoying it, it means she is doing something good. It means that in the face of an attack by Satan, she is fighting back. The key is to fight Satan, not your husband.

Too true…

Guys, I’m going to have to speak to my priest about this…the situation is getting terribly difficult for me.
I dunno what to do anymore.
Basically, my situation is “resolved” in that she really appreciates me backing off, and she is enjoying all the cuddling and hugs etc, but that’s all there is right now.

I know that I’m repeating myself, but sheesh!
*All *my thoughts turn to sex these days, every idle moment.
I pray the Rosary, do acts of mortification left, right and centre…it’s becoming increasingly difficult to remain chaste.

I have not stumbled yet though.
Pray for me untill I can get to my priest?
Thank you.
PM

 

[mariam1976]

praying for you

 

[Al_Masetti]

Too true…

Guys, I’m going to have to speak to my priest about this…the situation is getting terribly difficult for me.
I dunno what to do anymore.
Basically, my situation is “resolved” in that she really appreciates me backing off, and she is enjoying all the cuddling and hugs etc, but that’s all there is right now.

I know that I’m repeating myself, but sheesh!
*All *my thoughts turn to sex these days, every idle moment.
I pray the Rosary, do acts of mortification left, right and centre…it’s becoming increasingly difficult to remain chaste.

I have not stumbled yet though.
Pray for me untill I can get to my priest?
Thank you.
PM

Ask her to read “The Proper Care & Feeding of Husbands”.

 

[hasikelee]

www.christopherwest.com

Why not take the spouse out for a day and treat them to a seminar by Christopher West? He is funny, engaging and talks about the fullness of the faith, human dignity and the beauty and happiness of sexual fulfillment in the marital embrace.

You also get a nice little dinner and can even socialize with other married couples.

Or buy his books and spend some time reading them together while giving foot massages.