Promoting Intimacy Between Spouses

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Well, you’re not asking for parenting advice, but 13 months old is usually a little beyond that “I’m all touched out” stage for the mother. Is baby girl/boy still nursing?
My husband’s strong drive was really difficult because it seemed like any time we had a pleasant day, or if I kissed him even once, it was an invitation for the whole kit-n-kaboodle. And if he said, “no, we don’t have to”, it was with such insincerity that I felt I had no other choice. This is why I suggest you stop ahead of time, even if she is willing to submit. She’s got to learn that she can trust that it is about her, not sex. I think the intimacy will be better if you can just resist the urge to be with her for a while, and let her have a chance to miss it all.
You sound like a wonderful and holy man, and you are very fair in your explanation of the situation.
 
exiled said:
Well, you’re not asking for parenting advice, but 13 months old is usually a little beyond that “I’m all touched out” stage for the mother. Is baby girl/boy still nursing?
My husband’s strong drive was really difficult because it seemed like any time we had a pleasant day, or if I kissed him even once, it was an invitation for the whole kit-n-kaboodle. And if he said, “no, we don’t have to”, it was with such insincerity that I felt I had no other choice. This is why I suggest you stop ahead of time, even if she is willing to submit. She’s got to learn that she can trust that it is about her, not sex. I think the intimacy will be better if you can just resist the urge to be with her for a while, and let her have a chance to miss it all.
You sound like a wonderful and holy man, and you are very fair in your explanation of the situation.
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Thank you Exile for that lovely post! 🙂

No, the child is not nursing at all, but is a bit clingy, I guess.

I will definately take your advice, (I have put it in place already) and will not engage in the physical side of things for a while, so that she can have that chance.

Thanks for all the insight on this and previous posts!

In Christ,
PM
 
PM,

There’s another possibility that may be affecting her psyche. And that is the pervasiveness of porn and soft-porn in society.

Let’s face it, there are men out there who use women’s bodies for nothing more than cheap thrills.

You can understand what it does to a guy to see the magazine racks at the C-store. But what affect do you suppose this has on your wife?

She sees Sport’s Illustrated using women’s bodies to sell magazines so that men can have a thrill, and men can make a buck.

She can understandably make the erroneous logical conclusion that, “since some men use womens bodies for selfish, unloving personal gratification, then all men must think/act this way.” It’s a flaw in inductive reasoning, but it’s understandable given the ubiquity of porn.

So, when she sees her lover acting in the same ways that the men ogling the magazines act, she thinks sex is “wrong”.

That’s why in previous posts I said that the* message* you communicate is all important. In this case I don’t think it’s enough to prove that you don’t have to have sex every time you kiss. I think you have to convince her that not all men think of women’s bodies they way the guys buy/selling magazines do. (Do you understand how awful succombing to impurity is - in light of this?) And you have to convince her that above all, the ONE man who does not think that way is you.

Again - re-examine your sexual vocabulary.

I can’t promise you that this will work overnight, or even work at all. But I can promise you that you will begin to understand that you are now engaged in a battle to prove to the world that sex is good and holy. And that victory is worth never having sex again in your life. Once you’re caught up in that battle, you’re find it easier to “go without”.
 
Black_Jaque said:
PM,

There’s another possibility that may be affecting her psyche. And that is the pervasiveness of porn and soft-porn in society.

Let’s face it, there are men out there who use women’s bodies for nothing more than cheap thrills.

You can understand what it does to a guy to see the magazine racks at the C-store. But what affect do you suppose this has on your wife?

She sees Sport’s Illustrated using women’s bodies to sell magazines so that men can have a thrill, and men can make a buck.

She can understandably make the erroneous logical conclusion that, “since some men use womens bodies for selfish, unloving personal gratification, then all men must think/act this way.” It’s a flaw in inductive reasoning, but it’s understandable given the ubiquity of porn.

So, when she sees her lover acting in the same ways that the men ogling the magazines act, she thinks sex is “wrong”.

That’s why in previous posts I said that the* message* you communicate is all important. In this case I don’t think it’s enough to prove that you don’t have to have sex every time you kiss. I think you have to convince her that not all men think of women’s bodies they way the guys buy/selling magazines do. (Do you understand how awful succombing to impurity is - in light of this?) And you have to convince her that above all, the ONE man who does not think that way is you.

Again - re-examine your sexual vocabulary.

I can’t promise you that this will work overnight, or even work at all. But I can promise you that you will begin to understand that you are now engaged in a battle to prove to the world that sex is good and holy. And that victory is worth never having sex again in your life. Once you’re caught up in that battle, you’re find it easier to “go without”.
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It could be true what you say, but honestly, she is very sensitive about even the language we use around each other…we never use “bad” terms and very seldom even talk about it as sex.
For me, it ties in with her being very shy and (in the best possible way) a bit of a prude, especially when it comes to intimacy. Sorry, do I sound nasty? That was not my intention.

And I try to re-inforce at all costs that I am not one of those guys. I even 🙂 cover my eyes if we are watching TV and bikini-clad women, or a really heavy kissing scenes are shown:)
So I think she knows that I don’t go for that kind of stuff…it’s really a message I try to portray, especially when I’m around her, just to put her mind at ease about that.

The only reason I said about Maxim was that I get these sudden thoughts to buy one, real impulsive things, real temptations, where the yearning is so strong that you just want to say “Ah forget it all, let’s go!”
Now, I have fought this battle for a long time and know when temptation knocks, so I don’t open the door.

I’m fighting the battle!
PM
 
PennitentMan said:
It could be true what you say, but honestly, she is very sensitive about even the language we use around each other…we never use “bad” terms and very seldom even talk about it as sex.
For me, it ties in with her being very shy and (in the best possible way) a bit of a prude, especially when it comes to intimacy. Sorry, do I sound nasty? That was not my intention.

And I try to re-inforce at all costs that I am not one of those guys. I even 🙂 cover my eyes if we are watching TV and bikini-clad women, or a really heavy kissing scenes are shown:)
So I think she knows that I don’t go for that kind of stuff…it’s really a message I try to portray, especially when I’m around her, just to put her mind at ease about that.

The only reason I said about Maxim was that I get these sudden thoughts to buy one, real impulsive things, real temptations, where the yearning is so strong that you just want to say “Ah forget it all, let’s go!”
Now, I have fought this battle for a long time and know when temptation knocks, so I don’t open the door.

I’m fighting the battle!
PM
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Being that she married you, she has got to know that you are NOT “one of those guys”. I’m thrilled that you shield your eyes, because like BJ said, that stuff can make a woman feel very uncomfortable. It’s the WORST when I am very, very pregnant, because no matter how much truth there is to “it’s not fat, it’s a baby” I still feel disgusting!
Is there any chance that you’ve yielded to temptation on the internet, or elsewhere, and she has discovered it? My husband never had an “addicition”, but during our tough times I found a term come up in the “search” window. It was AWFUL to think that he was looking at such stuff. It affected my ability to be involved with him for a long time because I just couldn’t get the results of the search out of my mind. (I clicked to see those blue links that used to turn to purple when clicked) and thinking he was fantasizing.
It is difficult to overcome what society has done with sex, especially since it is all over the place. I’ve said this in another forum, praise God for NFP, because I’m certain our marriage would have fallen apart with the objectification that goes with ABC. I would have felt sssoooo used!
My prayers are with you, PM, and with your lovely wife.
 
exiled said:
Being that she married you, she has got to know that you are NOT “one of those guys”. I’m thrilled that you shield your eyes, because like BJ said, that stuff can make a woman feel very uncomfortable. It’s the WORST when I am very, very pregnant, because no matter how much truth there is to “it’s not fat, it’s a baby” I still feel disgusting!
Is there any chance that you’ve yielded to temptation on the internet, or elsewhere, and she has discovered it? My husband never had an “addicition”, but during our tough times I found a term come up in the “search” window. It was AWFUL to think that he was looking at such stuff. It affected my ability to be involved with him for a long time because I just couldn’t get the results of the search out of my mind. (I clicked to see those blue links that used to turn to purple when clicked) and thinking he was fantasizing.
It is difficult to overcome what society has done with sex, especially since it is all over the place. I’ve said this in another forum, praise God for NFP, because I’m certain our marriage would have fallen apart with the objectification that goes with ABC. I would have felt sssoooo used!
My prayers are with you, PM, and with your lovely wife.
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No nothing like that either…I’m also very careful what I ‘google’ cuz iknow that she may jump to conclusions that that will give rise to unpleasant situations that could have been left alone…also I’d have to face my priest in the confessional! :eek:

Thank you for the prayers!

You know, it just occured to me that I think I may have hijacked this lovely thread again! D’oh! Sorry about that!

But thank you agan for everyone’s great advice!

Y’all have a great weekend, an Awesome Mass on Sunday, and we’ll chat again next week, I’m sure!

In Christ,
PM
 
What visual image comes to mind when you contemplate the words of Jesus: “become one flesh” .
 
Al_Masetti said:
What visual image comes to mind when you contemplate the words of Jesus: “become one flesh” .
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Good day everyone!

To the above question;
An embrace between husband and wife. A very intimate, tight embrace.
 
Oh, yeah, along with fasting. A morning offering. You’ve been blessed with a ton o’ suffering, soldier! Offer it all up to Christ on the Cross. Let Him do with it as He sees fit.

There’s going to be a lot of grateful women in heaven when they see how it was built on the sufferings of chaste husbands.

Ever lift weights? Spiritually speaking, you’re in the part where your muscles are burning and you feel like you can do another rep. That’s when you need a good buddy to scream in your face. “POUR IT OUT MAN! DON’T SAVE ANYTHING! SUCK IT UP!”
 
PennitentMan said:
Good day everyone!

To the above question;
An embrace between husband and wife. A very intimate, tight embrace.
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THERE YA GO!!!

👍

That’s just the way God created us, designed us and manufactured us!!

Being one of God’s creatures doesn’t allow too much room for unnecessary squeamishness or scrupulousity.
 
To the original poster:

Thank you for your courage in posting this. You are correct in that it is something that men need to be reminded of often. I can apprectiate what you have said. Without going into details, let me just say that I needed the advice.

Thanks to the moderators for leaving it on.
 
There are a lot of things I don’t feel like doing, but I do them anyway.

No anticipated emotional reward.

Sometimes, I feel like I’m just too tired; but, I do them anyway.

Sometimes, I just feel absorbed in the other parts of my life.

And, looking back later on, they really were rewarding. Didn’t seem like it beforehand. But I’m glad I did them.

They are necessary to maintain a warm and loving household and marriage.
 
Al_Masetti said:
There are a lot of things I don’t feel like doing, but I do them anyway.

No anticipated emotional reward.

Sometimes, I feel like I’m just too tired; but, I do them anyway.

Sometimes, I just feel absorbed in the other parts of my life.

And, looking back later on, they really were rewarding. Didn’t seem like it beforehand. But I’m glad I did them.

They are necessary to maintain a warm and loving household and marriage.
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Rightly said!

I would like to add though that one should do them with a happy disposition.

For instance, there’s nothing worse than trying to get intimate with one’s spouse when it is just “another chore” for them and it shows.

Huge turnoff!
 
PennitentMan said:
Rightly said!

I would like to add though that one should do them with a happy disposition.

For instance, there’s nothing worse than trying to get intimate with one’s spouse when it is just “another chore” for them and it shows.

Huge turnoff!
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It’s true.

All household tasks can be done with enthusiasm. No long faces.

No long faces when pleasing one’s spouse!!

:whistle:
 
Rightly said!

I would like to add though that one should do them with a happy disposition.

For instance, there’s nothing worse than trying to get intimate with one’s spouse when it is just “another chore” for them and it shows.

Huge turnoff!
Click to expand...
Yep, I know the feeling.

But, I’ve thought this over, and I think I disagree. Although my position on this isn’t really firm.

There are some things that are objectively-good. By that, I mean that in doing them you are doing a good thing. How you feel while doing them does not undo the goodness. Perhaps asking your spouse to do a chore AND do it happily is asking too much.

I agree that the chores can be done happily, and that this is the ultimate goal. But sometimes you have to establish the habbit of doing the chore before the “doing it happily” comes.
 
Black_Jaque said:
Yep, I know the feeling.

But, I’ve thought this over, and I think I disagree. Although my position on this isn’t really firm.

There are some things that are objectively-good. By that, I mean that in doing them you are doing a good thing. How you feel while doing them does not undo the goodness. Perhaps asking your spouse to do a chore AND do it happily is asking too much.

I agree that the chores can be done happily, and that this is the ultimate goal. But sometimes you have to establish the habbit of doing the chore before the “doing it happily” comes.
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:dancing:

:whistle: … whistle while you work … :whistle:

:dancing:
 
Black_Jaque said:
Yep, I know the feeling.

But, I’ve thought this over, and I think I disagree. Although my position on this isn’t really firm.

There are some things that are objectively-good. By that, I mean that in doing them you are doing a good thing. How you feel while doing them does not undo the goodness. Perhaps asking your spouse to do a chore AND do it happily is asking too much.

I agree that the chores can be done happily, and that this is the ultimate goal. But sometimes you have to establish the habbit of doing the chore before the “doing it happily” comes.
Click to expand...
Yeah, you are right. I guess I was thinking more along the lines of my “special problem” but on the whole, I’d agree with you 🙂

Thanks for that 🙂
 
Al,

Right. But first, you have to get to work.

And, I think there’s a fine line between “putting on a happy face” and masking a sad face. In the latter you are inhibiting communication.

For example: I can happily wash the dishes. But because kitchen sinks are made for people of short stature (read that as: they didn’t have men washing dishes in mind when they made kitchen counters) my back will hurt after a bit. Now does that mean I must pretend that everything is OK?
 
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