Protecting her dignity

[Lots2Learn]

I’ve told my daughter’s boyfriend that I hope he will take serious the responsibility of protecting my daughter’s chastity and dignity (thank you JP2). He’s said he will try and that he really likes my daughter and wants to make it work. He’s 15 and she’s 17. Through my daughter, he’s asked what that means and how he can do that. I’ve talked to her about chastity and what that means…keeping the physical activity out of their relationship, no facetiming/skype after bedtime, keeping their conversations modest, etc. But…what do I say to a 15 yo boy about his responsibility? I don’t have a son that age and I’m not sure how to proceed. His dad is not involved with his family and my husband won’t talk to him. I need some perspective about how to guide him since he is asking. Thank you for any help!

 

[Cat]

I’ve told my daughter’s boyfriend that I hope he will take serious the responsibility of protecting my daughter’s chastity and dignity (thank you JP2). He’s said he will try and that he really likes my daughter and wants to make it work. He’s 15 and she’s 17. Through my daughter, he’s asked what that means and how he can do that. I’ve talked to her about chastity and what that means…keeping the physical activity out of their relationship, no facetiming/skype after bedtime, keeping their conversations modest, etc. But…what do I say to a 15 yo boy about his responsibility? I don’t have a son that age and I’m not sure how to proceed. His dad is not involved with his family and my husband won’t talk to him. I need some perspective about how to guide him since he is asking. Thank you for any help!

My husband and I started dating when we were 15/16 (I was the older). My daughter started dating her husband when they were 14/16 (he’s older).

So I understand and SUPPORT young dating.

But…just to have fun, not to “make it work”!

I think you’re rushing the boy and girl into a serious relationship by having these kinds of serious, deep conversations with your daughter and with him. A simple, to the point, and short warning to both your son and daughter should be the total extent of your conversation about sexual issues. I think anything more, and you risk titillating the couple, especially the boy, and actually causing them to be even more interested in sex than they already are. (And if you think they aren’t interested in sex, you’re kidding yourself.)

Just tell them to behave themselves and stay chaste, and leave it at that. If you are a Christian family, and hopefully his family is Christian, you can remind them that the Bible and Church teach that sex belongs in marriage, not in teenaged dating. And again, leave it at that.

You don’t need to go into details with the boy, even though he is asking. I’m sure he knows more about sex than you and I do. I’m kind of wondering if he finds the discussions about sex arousing. I’m probably wrong, but I do know that it doesn’t take much to arouse a teenaged boy. Just looking at the towel that a girl used that morning is enough to give a lot of teenaged boys an erection.

So just tell him that you trust him to treat your daughter the way he would treat his own sister, and then drop it. Unless this couple has been dating for months, it’s way too early for a serious face-to-face about sex.

Young couples like your daughter and her boyfriend should be watching TV at your house or his house, in full view of the parents or another responsible adult. They should be going to school games, going to church youth group activities, maybe ??? going to a movie with other couples, bowling, ice skating, roller skating, bike riding in good weather, playing in the snow (after shovelling it for their parents and grandparents). Their dinners should be at your house, his house (with parents at home), or at McDonalds, or family restaurants–no dark Italian restaurants with strolling violinists.

Also, both of them should be concentrating on doing well in school, and some of their dates can be “homework” dates, again, in full view of parents (NOT in bedrooms, basements, dens, etc.!)

When young couples are doing these types of wholesome activities (the movie-going is questionably wholesome), sex is hard to do! Now I’m not stupid or naive–I know that couples can sneak in some heavy kissing and worse while they’re studying, and especially at the movies. But again, they should not be allowed to be out on dates where they will be able to do a lot of this kind of thing.

The drives home are the most likely “make-out” times. I assume that your daughter is doing the driving, as the boy isn’t old enough. So call the other parents and ask them to please monitor the parking in the driveway, and to require their son to leave his girlfriend’s car within a minute or so after it enters the driveway, and tell them that you will do the same if the couple drives over to your house. That makes it hard for the couple to do too much making out.

One more thing–IF the couple gives you any reason to not trust them; e.g., very late for a curfew, then there must be some consequences. If you forbid them from seeing each other, they will sneak around, so don’t try that. Instead, try making them work to pay a penalty, e.g., they have to dust all your bookshelves, or shovel the snow from the houses of three elderly neighbors, or cook dinner for the whole family and clean up afterwards.

But as long as they prove trustworthy, trust them.

I hope this advice is helpful. Think it through.

 

[Lightfromdark]

I’ve told my daughter’s boyfriend that I hope he will take serious the responsibility of protecting my daughter’s chastity and dignity (thank you JP2). **He’s said he will try **and that he really likes my daughter and wants to make it work. He’s 15 and she’s 17. Through my daughter, he’s asked what that means and how he can do that. I’ve talked to her about chastity and what that means…keeping the physical activity out of their relationship, no facetiming/skype after bedtime, keeping their conversations modest, etc. But…what do I say to a 15 yo boy about his responsibility? I don’t have a son that age and I’m not sure how to proceed. His dad is not involved with his family and my husband won’t talk to him. I need some perspective about how to guide him since he is asking. Thank you for any help!

He said ‘he’ll try’, what!? Who does he think he is? That amounts to him saying he is going to try to get into your daughters pants. He has shown you no respect speaking to you like that, if he doesn’t respect you he doesn’t respect your daughter.

Focus on your daughter, he is not your problem, she is. If she is clear on respecting her body she will say no.

As far as the boy is concerned you make it very clear to him that he and your daughter are underage and ANYTHING will come back to him in a serious legal way if he messes with your daughter.

Skype after bedtime, are you serious? Do not let your daughter have any internet video with him at all, he will post it all over the internet, even if she thinks it is innocent, a girl in nightwear or underwear is still in demand out there. Photos of girls is a big problem out there, boys will tell her they will keep it secret, do not trust this boy.

Do not be shy about this, you need to be firm about this. Do not let this boy think you are standing back over this. And get your husband on board, why is he not concerned about a boy getting into his daughter’s pants?

 

[rcwitness]

Well I think you are wise to seek this out! Getting mens perspective is good. My initial reactions were that without a solid role model for the boy, as in a man, he most likely will be to driven to seek more than what you are hoping for. It is our nature…and it is very strong! Now, how you conduct this job of yours is very important. You want to be intimaidating, but not offending. You need to be feared, but in a respected way. You need to show that you understand the difficulty and convince him it truly is rewarding! Taking all this into consideration, you must also give him a sense of trust too! Not that you can trust him with too much, but that he knows you do trust him…some You want him to have you in the back of his mind when he sees your daughter. This means you need to be close, but not so close he is too smothered. Boys (and big boys too) need their freedom. But he needs to know his freedom has to be compromised when it comes to honoring a young woman.
So, I personally think it comes down to a very consistant presence of good influence. Hanging out around the house with fun things to do. Keep them busy being a part of your family things. Do some things that will give memories.
It is very possible and even likely, they will go over the “chastity line” at some point. Be prepared to handle it wise (that is, if you even become aware). If you have established a respect from both of them, your dissappointment will be effective in itself. But you can still show anger, just not to the point of contempt. Make sure he doesn’t like slipping up at all, but that you don’t hate either of them. But he can get more of the slack.
If your daughter is desiring chastity, that will obviously go far. But He can still believe he is respecting her and still try to convince her to change her mind. Thats where she needs to tell him, its not just my mind but my heart! He won’t be as eager to change her heart. That’s just not romantic.
As far as our faith and temptation goes, I will share what I learned about giving into sexual desires as a young man. It messes up how you will honor your wife some day. I struggle to do this very thing way way more than I should be wasting my time with. It really comes back to bite ya in the butt! Now, I am struggling to keep our relationship good because of the damage I did before meeting the woman I want to love alone!
I hope this is usefull. I may have rambled a bit. I have a three yr old daughter, so this strikes home. I am interested to see some good posts for you.

God bless,
Michael

 

[Lightfromdark]

Young couples like your daughter and her boyfriend should be watching TV at your house or his house, in full view of the parents or another responsible adult. They should be going to school games, going to church youth group activities, maybe ??? going to a movie with other couples, bowling, ice skating, roller skating, bike riding in good weather, playing in the snow (after shovelling it for their parents and grandparents). Their dinners should be at your house, his house (with parents at home), or at McDonalds, or family restaurants–no dark Italian restaurants with strolling violinists.

Also, both of them should be concentrating on doing well in school, and some of their dates can be “homework” dates, again, in full view of parents (NOT in bedrooms, basements, dens, etc.!)

That is good advice.

Always in view or in public, and certainly no skype in bedrooms!

If the boy backs off after those rules you’ll know what he wanted, also he may hold out for a while to see if you start to trust him then get into her pants.

 

[Lightfromdark]

So, I personally think it comes down to a very consistant presence of good influence. Hanging out around the house with fun things to do. Keep them busy being a part of your family things. Do some things that will give memories. … If your daughter is desiring chastity, that will obviously go far…still try to convince her to change her mind. Thats where she needs to tell him

There is something else the OP needs to consider, I have seen it many times unfortunately. Obviously this boy is not a Catholic and does not come from a Catholic family (not sure why the OP thinks he should date their daughter at all with that, but anyway) and many ‘Catholic girls’ have a hint of ‘forbidden fruit’ about them, I know how that sounds and it is bad but it does happen. And non Catholic boys, and men, like the idea of the challenge of getting into a Catholic girls pants exactly for that reason and because it is not easy and they get a virgin and not just any virgin but a girl who is saving herself. Also, there is that ‘Catholic girl’ reputation (another media construct I might add) that she is ‘a dirty little ****’ underneath an outwardly pure image. Boys and men go for that, it is a sexual stereotype and a popular myth.

 

[rcwitness]

Ha ha! I see some of you are coming off much stricter than what I sound like. And I agree I didn’t mean giving him trust as in ever alone. And I understand you aren’t worried about being his friend. But in a way, it should be attempted. But also, reality is, He prob won’t be the one she marries. And he will be a lesson for her in future relationships. This is always hard for young people to see past. They are their world! I hope to give my daughter a better perspective then that!

Michael

 

[rcwitness]

There is something else the OP needs to consider, I have seen it many times unfortunately. Obviously this boy is not a Catholic and does not come from a Catholic family (not sure why the OP thinks he should date their daughter at all with that, but anyway) and many ‘Catholic girls’ have a hint of ‘forbidden fruit’ about them, I know how that sounds and it is bad but it does happen. And non Catholic boys, and men, like the idea of the challenge of getting into a Catholic girls pants exactly for that reason and because it is not easy and they get a virgin and not just any virgin but a girl who is saving herself. Also, there is that ‘Catholic girl’ reputation (another media construct I might add) that she is ‘a dirty little ****’ underneath an outwardly pure image. Boys and men go for that, it is a sexual stereotype and a popular myth.

Yeah, thanks to Billy Joel! I admitt I can’t help but like that song! I even translated it for my father inlaw who is Brasillian Of course after we were married

Michael
PS. My FIL only gave his consent/blessing for us to marry because I was of the Church. It will be very high on my requirements also.

 

[Lightfromdark]

Ha ha! I see some of you are coming off much stricter than what I sound like. And I agree I didn’t mean giving him trust as in ever alone. And I understand you aren’t worried about being his friend. But in a way, it should be attempted. But also, reality is, He prob won’t be the one she marries. And he will be a lesson for her in future relationships. This is always hard for young people to see past. They are their world! I hope to give my daughter a better perspective then that!

Michael

Lets hope that ‘lesson’ isn’t that if you don’t want an unwanted pregnancy that you should keep your pants on. Some lessons can’t be undone and come with very serious outcomes.

 

[KendraDZ1902]

Lets hope that ‘lesson’ isn’t that if you don’t want an unwanted pregnancy that you should keep your pants on. Some lessons can’t be undone and come with very serious outcomes.

All of my exboyfriends taught me a lesson. Out of all the lessons I learned, pregnancy wasn’t one of them.

I haven’t learned to quote multiple posts, but the person who talked about study dates and making sure they are out of the car when they pull up and all, I feel, was right on target.

 

[Ophelia23]

He said ‘he’ll try’, what!? Who does he think he is? That amounts to him saying he is going to try to get into your daughters pants. He has shown you no respect speaking to you like that, if he doesn’t respect you he doesn’t respect your daughter.

I couldn’t disagree with you more strongly. The OP went on to state that the young man asked her daughter AFTER the conversation what exactly it meant to protect her chastity. This means that he took what she said seriously, did not know the best way to respond and affirmed he would do his best to do what she asked. He did not disrespect the OP even in the slightest, and to jump to the conclusion that he is only “going to try to get into your daughters pants” is really quite the jump and is overwhelmingly devoid of charity. Best to assume the best in people, not the worst.

 

[Evania]

There is something else the OP needs to consider, I have seen it many times unfortunately. Obviously this boy is not a Catholic and does not come from a Catholic family (not sure why the OP thinks he should date their daughter at all with that, but anyway) and many ‘Catholic girls’ have a hint of ‘forbidden fruit’ about them, I know how that sounds and it is bad but it does happen. And non Catholic boys, and men, like the idea of the challenge of getting into a Catholic girls pants exactly for that reason and because it is not easy and they get a virgin and not just any virgin but a girl who is saving herself. Also, there is that ‘Catholic girl’ reputation (another media construct I might add) that she is ‘a dirty little ****’ underneath an outwardly pure image. Boys and men go for that, it is a sexual stereotype and a popular myth.

Correction: Not all non-Catholic men are like that. My husband was very respectful, and I dated him when I was the OP’s daughters age. It honestly depends on the upbringing.

I know you had an issue with his statement of, “I’ll try.” I don’t think he meant it to be disrespectful. The OP said that the this kid has had little guidance. To his credit, he later asked the daughter to clarify and explain what that meant.

My concern is the age and maturity level. Certainly I would say your daughter is old enough to date, and it’s true that they are only two years apart. Usually young boys at 15 years of age aren’t near the maturity level of a girl at the age of 17. I applaud you that you are diligent in supervising their activities. That is very important, as at that age temptation can be very strong. I encourage you to follow all the great advice on the thread.

God Bless

 

[ATeutonicKnight]

All of my exboyfriends taught me a lesson. Out of all the lessons I learned, pregnancy wasn’t one of them.

I haven’t learned to quote multiple posts, but the person who talked about study dates and making sure they are out of the car when they pull up and all, I feel, was right on target.

I agree completely. Also, click the thing to the right of the “Quote” button, and then click another one, and then go down to the bottom to “Post Reply”.

 

[Chantal25]

Anyway, you could authorize friendship only and no dating. Doing activities as friends but nothing more.

They are so young. Many youth are sadly exposed to many movies with romance, sex, and many aspect that don’t reinforce to wait after being married with the right person. Can you truly trust this young man. I am sure is a great boy but only because of the way most of us have been brought up, it is like we became desensitize of what sin is.

I pray for you to figure this out.

All the best!

 

[JackieMom]

I am confused as to why a 17year old girl would want to date a 15 year old boy. HUGE maturity difference there, and most junior/senior girls wouldn’t be caught dead dating an underclassman.

Having said that, your daughter is the one responsible for her chastity. I would have been horrified if my mother told my date to “protect my chastity” - as though he could have taken it if only he wanted. If you’ve raised your daughter to be confident, strong, and firm in her faith and values, then you don’t need to worry (too much.) She will say “no” to inappropriate situations, with your guidance. She is the one you need to speak to honestly and frankly about hormones, youth, sexuality, Christian values and immediate payoff vs. long-term consequences. If she knows what she wants and is confident in her voice, she will know not to choose to date pushy boys, won’t put herself in bad situations, will keep communication with you open, and will say “no” when things get edgy.

It is worthwhile speaking to his parents about expectations (no being behind closed doors in the home, no being left in the home without supervision, curfew met, etc.) And it is worthwhile to get to know the boy, too. But your daughter is the one in charge of her chastity.

 

[KendraDZ1902]

I agree completely. Also, click the thing to the right of the “Quote” button, and then click another one, and then go down to the bottom to “Post Reply”.

Thank you!

I am confused as to why a 17year old girl would want to date a 15 year old boy. HUGE maturity difference there, and most junior/senior girls wouldn’t be caught dead dating an underclassman.

Having said that, your daughter is the one responsible for her chastity. I would have been horrified if my mother told my date to “protect my chastity” - as though he could have taken it if only he wanted. If you’ve raised your daughter to be confident, strong, and firm in her faith and values, then you don’t need to worry (too much.) She will say “no” to inappropriate situations, with your guidance. She is the one you need to speak to honestly and frankly about hormones, youth, sexuality, Christian values and immediate payoff vs. long-term consequences. If she knows what she wants and is confident in her voice, she will know not to choose to date pushy boys, won’t put herself in bad situations, will keep communication with you open, and will say “no” when things get edgy.

It is worthwhile speaking to his parents about expectations (no being behind closed doors in the home, no being left in the home without supervision, curfew met, etc.) And it is worthwhile to get to know the boy, too. But your daughter is the one in charge of her chastity.

This is definitely true too.
At the end of the day or date, she will either say yes or no. Quite frankly, if talks about chastity are just now being discussed, it might be pointless. She’s 17, remember when you were 17. She should know right from wrong by now. You can’t live your child’s life for them. At some point you can’t stop them from falling down and hurting their knees, you just have to clean the boo-boos and hope they learn.

 

[JoyfulRC]

I am confused as to why a 17year old girl would want to date a 15 year old boy. HUGE maturity difference there, and most junior/senior girls wouldn’t be caught dead dating an underclassman.

You make an observation that is true for MOST, but does not seem to be true for these two teens. It sounds like you think the young lady has something wrong with her.

 

[rcwitness]

I don’t agree with leaving your daughter up to only her own defenses and convictions. She is still under 18! And you seem to have a good desire to guide and oversee things to the extent you are responsible before God for. You know your daughter better than anyone responding here. Who you don’t know is the young man desireing her affection and companionship. I will definitely be a strong influence on my girl when she is yet 17! And, as you are more specifically inquiring about, I would also take under my arms the young man. I would give him small bits of trust as needed, only. But keep him close to you. How else will you learn about him for yourself? Be genuinely interested in him. Let him tell you about his convictions. Help draw them out so your daughter can see his reactions.

Michael

 

[Lots2Learn]

Thank you everyone for your thoughts. When he said he would try, he meant that he would try harder to treat my daughter the way I envisioned. He thought that I was talking to him because I wasn’t happy with something he had done or said, which wasn’t really the case. I just felt like something needed to be said before they spent too much time together. I don’t really have an issue with guiding their time together. They know they can’t go on ‘dates’ if you will, at this point, especially alone. Every time they have been together, it’s been with family and/or friends. He’s spent quite a bit of time with us and I’m friends with him on facebook. I know his mom pretty well and we’ve discussed the issue and we share similar values, but she’s a single mom and he’s the youngest of 5 and she’s ready to be done parenting. Someone mentioned that because he isn’t Catholic, I shouldn’t be allowing them to date anyway. It’s always been my hope that my kids would only date and definitely marry a Catholic, but alas, they have free will (dang it.) His extended family has a big Catholic presence in the community, but his mom fell away right out of school. His mom has just left the Church of Christ and they are church shopping at this point, so every Sunday, he tells her about the church he went to that weekend and she tells him what the homily was about. It’s kinda cute actually, and if he asks her something she can’t answer it gives us an opportunity to discuss the topic. I can’t complain there. Michael, I did appreciate your post about being intimidating but not offending. All of that is such a tall order. There is such a fine line. I think I’m doing OK in these areas, but I’m not experienced in ‘mothering’ a teenage boy. This whole thing has really caught me off guard, because we’ve discussed chastity (age appropriately) since she was 10-11ish and she’s said that dating is a ‘waste of time’ until she’s ready to marry. I’ve listened to her go on and on about how annoyed she was with her boy crazy friends…until about 3 months ago. She heard Jason Everett about 6 months ago, and asked me to buy a CD of the talk after it was over. I think it’s time to revisit that talk, now that she has a boyfriend. She’ll definitely have a new perspective.
So…back to my original question. Please pray for me as I navigate this new area of parenting. I have an older daughter, but I wasn’t nearly as confident at parenting (strict, yes…open and honest about my concerns, no).

 

[Evania]

Sounds to me that you’re doing a great job!

God Bless!