Protecting her dignity

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I think the challenge we all have as parents is managing the transition between control and trust that is occurring in this stage of life of our children (to a large extent the loss of direct control happens whether we like it or not - we can’t be with our growing children 24/7). Personally I don’t think there are any easy rules as all our children are different and grow up at different rates. I think only you can judge when you need to slowly let go of the reins and move more to showing that you love and trust them in the big decisions of life.

Most importantly I’d say keep showing her that you love her as she grows into a beautiful young adult, but I sense you’re doing that already. God bless you all.
 
You seem to be doing a great job.

Blessing to you and your family and this young man’s family.
 
JackieMom said:
Having said that, your daughter is the one responsible for her chastity. I would have been horrified if my mother told my date to “protect my chastity” - as though he could have taken it if only he wanted. If you’ve raised your daughter to be confident, strong, and firm in her faith and values, then you don’t need to worry (too much.) She will say “no” to inappropriate situations, with your guidance. She is the one you need to speak to honestly and frankly about hormones, youth, sexuality, Christian values and immediate payoff vs. long-term consequences. If she knows what she wants and is confident in her voice, she will know not to choose to date pushy boys, won’t put herself in bad situations, will keep communication with you open, and will say “no” when things get edgy.

But your daughter is the one in charge of her chastity.
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JackieMom, you beat me to it. I don’t think I would have said anything to the young man. I would said everything to the daughter.
 
Some have questioned this young man’s integrity, I will not do so.

The fact that you were able to have this conversation with a 15 year old boy and the fact that he didn’t run away screaming at 100 mph (as I think most would have done at his age if you tried to talk to them like that!) is a darn good sign.
 
Lightfromdark said:
He said ‘he’ll try’, what!? Who does he think he is? That amounts to him saying he is going to try to get into your daughters pants. He has shown you no respect speaking to you like that, if he doesn’t respect you he doesn’t respect your daughter.

Focus on your daughter, he is not your problem, she is. If she is clear on respecting her body she will say no.

As far as the boy is concerned you make it very clear to him that he and your daughter are underage and ANYTHING will come back to him in a serious legal way if he messes with your daughter.

Skype after bedtime, are you serious? :eek: Do not let your daughter have any internet video with him at all, he will post it all over the internet, even if she thinks it is innocent, a girl in nightwear or underwear is still in demand out there. Photos of girls is a big problem out there, boys will tell her they will keep it secret, do not trust this boy.

Do not be shy about this, you need to be firm about this. Do not let this boy think you are standing back over this. And get your husband on board, why is he not concerned about a boy getting into his daughter’s pants? :eek:
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Wow, where are you getting all of this from?

Where are you getting the idea that he is trying ‘to get into her pants’?

Why would you be threatening a boy with jail time and the like, when he has shown himself to be quite respectful?
 
Irishmom2 said:
JackieMom, you beat me to it. I don’t think I would have said anything to the young man. I would said everything to the daughter.
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Yes, and I think those conversations can be held in a positive way - not so much making rules as the time for rules is probably starting to come to an end at age 15 years, but helping a daughter to work out how to manage the boy’s expectations (if that is a concern).

I think this is quite a hard age for parents as well, as we often don’t want to lose the level of control we had when they were younger but a slow “letting go” is probably needed to allow the child to mature in readiness for college, work, etc.
 
I would like to point out that the mother did nothing wrong in laying out to the boyfriend what she expects. How many times do we see in the cases of teenage pregnancies where the grandparents help raise the babies, as at the ages of 17 and 15, it would be hard to support a child? To be clear, it sounds like this mom has done a great job so far with her daughter, so I’m sure valuable lessons have been discussed with her. It’s not like she’s being hateful to the boy, only direct. Fathers are the same way with their daughter’s boyfriends. The boy knows that there is a line that shouldn’t be crossed. I admire this boy in asking questions and following suit. If a boy ran from a relationship based on one statement of how a parent expects their child to be treated with respect, by all means let him run.
 
Evania said:
I would like to point out that the mother did nothing wrong in laying out to the boyfriend what she expects. How many times do we see in the cases of teenage pregnancies where the grandparents help raise the babies, as at the ages of 17 and 15, it would be hard to support a child? To be clear, it sounds like this mom has done a great job so far with her daughter, so I’m sure valuable lessons have been discussed with her. It’s not like she’s being hateful to the boy, only direct. Fathers are the same way with their daughter’s boyfriends. The boy knows that there is a line that shouldn’t be crossed. I admire this boy in asking questions and following suit. If a boy ran from a relationship based on one statement of how a parent expects their child to be treated with respect, by all means let him run.
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I think it’s more about the chastity stuff. Like, if your girlfriend’s mother wants to have conversations with you about preserving her chastity, that’s totally understandable.

But it can also be totally scary and awkward, if you’re the boy. If your parents ever had a birds & bees discussion with you, just think about how awkward that was and then double it.

So, I admire this boy’s courage and desire to do what is right. And Mom, I think you ought to be very proud of your daughter’s taste in boys and I’m sure you’re appreciative that she landed herself a good one! (At least for now)
 
I totally get your point.

It probably was awkward, but at the end of the day, he didn’t get “The Talk”. The mom just told him that she expected chastity.

I’m glad he’s respecting that.
 
Evania said:
I totally get your point.

It probably was awkward, but at the end of the day, he didn’t get “The Talk”. The mom just told him that she expected chastity.

I’m glad he’s respecting that.
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On the other hand, maybe he’s lucky that his main contact point with her family is the mother. I know I was. My wife’s father always freaked me the heck out and still does. He’s one of these guys that barely speaks a word to anyone, and I never trust someone like that. I’m always afraid those people will blow up like a volcano at any moment because no one knows what they’ve been thinking for years.

Anyway back to the topic on hand…
 
We don’t have children, so I can’t speak from experience.

From what I have heard, you are doing an amazing job. If I added anything, it would be to add that you expect him to not compromise your daughter’s chastity, dignity, or reputation.

That means avoiding the appearance of impropriety etc. And you seem to have that covered.

With the daughter, I would probably discuss the same issues and just talk to her about protecting herself even when she finds “the one”. For example, since ~50% of marriages end in divorce, I would suggest a daughter always keep assets in her name and learn to manage money – and never just “turn her $ over to any husband”. Some women have a natural talent for investing.

I would let her know a little about my own experience dating, since I had three girlfriends. My third girlfriend became my wife. Relationships come and go. Feelings can be incredibly intense. Thus, daughters need to stay out of sketchy situations, protect their reputation, and realize that guys mature slower than girls.
 
Irishmom2 said:
JackieMom, you beat me to it. I don’t think I would have said anything to the young man. I would said everything to the daughter.
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I agree with you too. I also do not want the mother of my son’s girlfriend doing ANY kind of guiding him in the way of relationships. No thank you, I have it covered.
 
HouseArrest said:
I agree with you too. I also do not want the mother of my son’s girlfriend doing ANY kind of guiding him in the way of relationships. No thank you, I have it covered.
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You have it covered with how he should treat her daughter?
 
Evania said:
You have it covered with how he should treat her daughter?
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I believe so. I think she would be pleased with what I have taught my sons.

Even if she isn’t, it is not her place to teach my underage son in the areas of sex education.
 
HouseArrest said:
I believe so. I think she would be pleased with what I have taught my sons.

Even if she isn’t, it is not her place to teach my underage son in the areas of sex education.
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Pretty much. Not without your permission at the very least.
 
HouseArrest said:
I believe so. I think she would be pleased with what I have taught my sons.

Even if she isn’t, it is not her place to teach my underage son in the areas of sex education.
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Looking at her post, she didn’t instruct the boy in the areas of sex education. She wanted him to know that she wants him to respect her daughter.
 
Lots2Learn said:
I’ve told my daughter’s boyfriend that I hope he will take serious the responsibility of protecting my daughter’s chastity and dignity (thank you JP2). He’s said he will try and that he really likes my daughter and wants to make it work. 🙂 He’s 15 and she’s 17. Through my daughter, he’s asked what that means and how he can do that. I’ve talked to her about chastity and what that means…keeping the physical activity out of their relationship, no facetiming/skype after bedtime, keeping their conversations modest, etc. But…what do I say to a 15 yo boy about his responsibility? I don’t have a son that age and I’m not sure how to proceed. His dad is not involved with his family and my husband won’t talk to him. I need some perspective about how to guide him since he is asking. Thank you for any help!
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She told him what she expects from him as far as a boyfriend to her daughter is concerned. I wouldn’t do that myself, but that part I would actually be okay with. I don’t have a problem with a parent laying down their rules for my kids.

Then she proceeds to talk about how he asks her daughter what that means and how he can do that. She asks what she can say, further, to a 15 yo boy. His dad is not involved, etc. That, in my opinion, is overstepping.
 
HouseArrest said:
She told him what she expects from him as far as a boyfriend to her daughter is concerned. I wouldn’t do that myself, but that part I would actually be okay with. I don’t have a problem with a parent laying down their rules for my kids.

Then she proceeds to talk about how he asks her daughter what that means and how he can do that. She asks what she can say, further, to a 15 yo boy. His dad is not involved, etc. That, in my opinion, is overstepping.
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Okay, I see your point. Yes, she should leave it at that. No other words or action is necessary.
 
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