Protestant husband insists on getting a vasectomy against my wishes- can I get a legal separation?

[Saber_Mom]

I have only read the original post, so forgive me if I’m repeating anyone…

I have been in the exact situation as the OP, though I only have three children. My husband is also a non-Catholic, has been anti-NFP since we married and had a vasectomy a few years ago. I deeply struggled with his decision for months and talked with three different priests about it before he had the deed done.

My husband had his vasectomy. (I have also found out since then that I cannot have anymore children due to my health. I am fertile, but having another child may kill me).

While I would do anything to reverse his decision, it was his to make. Please don’t leave him over something like this. He is your husband and the father of your children. I love my husband with every ounce of my being, whether he is fertile or not. Yes, we don’t see eye to eye on my faith (he’s getting better - prayer works!), but I signed up for that (naively) when we married. You did too.

Your focus needs to be on your marriage and your children. Not on whether your husband can give you another child. You can still be open to life and have a husband that is sterile (I volunteer with Right to Life). I’m not speaking for God, obviously, but I would sincerely hope that he would want me to raise my children with my sterile husband rather than split my family up. It was the hardest thing I’ve done, but I’ve accepted the fact that this was his decision, not mine, but marrying him was MY decision and one that I need to honor.

Like I said, I would do anything for him to not have had a vasectomy, but I couldn’t talk him out of it. It’s his choice and he will have to deal with the consequences. I’ve talked with those priests who gave me what I am sharing with you today, people here on CAF and good Catholic friends. While I wish things were different, I am finally comfortable with how things are now and when I feel resentment for him doing this, I remember my marital vows, how much I do love him, and how much our children need two loving parents.

One thing I will share with you - I went through a mourning period. I was so sad, but then a priest friend told me to snap out of it. I could still be actively pro-life with my husband being sterile. The fact that I am now sick makes me realize also that I need to concentrate on the family that I do have, not the family that I could (or could not - there’s no saying I would have gotten pregnant again) have.

Sorry so choppy. Lots of distractions as I’m typing. I sincerely hope I made sense.

 

[thewanderer]

I would disagree here. with NFP there is still a possibility of conception. no sin has been committed by abstaining for a time and then coming back together. This is even very clearly stated in the Bible as an expectation of a wife and husband. Sterilization is clearly prohibited by the Church. It is a sinful selfish act against God.

I also fear for the health of my husband if/when he gets it done. there are many cancers and other serious health problems that are linked to vasectomy. Like all other sins, there are consequences (in this case health and marital)- if they don’t show up right away, they eventually will. I want the best for him always.

Just a quick note, but your reply here makes it sound as though you believe that the reason NFP is morally permissible is because there is still technically a chance of procreation. This is not accurate. If it were true sterilizations would also be permissible as there is still technically a chance of conception after sterilization, as would all other forms of contraception, every form of birth control has a failure rate, and so, a chance of conception. NFP is supposed to be effective at preventing pregnancy. There are times when we are obliged to avoid pregnancy, and during those times NFP is a wonderful alternative to abstinance, but it is only helpful if it can be counted on to actually prevent pregnancy. Some forms of NFP are as effective as the pill in avoiding pregnancy. The actual chance of pregnancy has no correlation with the morality of the act.

 

[Saber_Mom]

One more thing, love your husband. Love him with all of your heart as hard as it can be. Pray for him. Ask St. Monica to intervene for him. I’ve been praying for my husband for 20 years and he is now “starting” (like barely starting, but I can see it) to respect (oh that’s not the word I want to use, but it’s the only one that comes to mind) my faith. Prayer works. There have been many times in the past in which I wanted to just throw in the towel because he didn’t respect my beliefs. Once I got over the chip on my own shoulder and started loving him for who he is (and who he can be when God gets a hold of him), I fell more deeply in love with him. I’ve also seen him starting to realize how important my faith is to me and that’s HUGE for me (if you only knew - just a few months ago I was complaining on here about him and by golly, prayer is working! Alleluia!!)

I will pray for you. I know how much you are hurting. GIve it to God and allow yourself to forgive your husband if he follows through with this.

 

[maryjk]

Just a quick note, but your reply here makes it sound as though you believe that the reason NFP is morally permissible is because there is still technically a chance of procreation. This is not accurate. If it were true sterilizations would also be permissible as there is still technically a chance of conception after sterilization, as would all other forms of contraception, every form of birth control has a failure rate, and so, a chance of conception. NFP is supposed to be effective at preventing pregnancy. There are times when we are obliged to avoid pregnancy, and during those times NFP is a wonderful alternative to abstinance, but it is only helpful if it can be counted on to actually prevent pregnancy. Some forms of NFP are as effective as the pill in avoiding pregnancy. The actual chance of pregnancy has no correlation with the morality of the act.

Yep.

sciencedaily.com/releases/2007/02/070221065200.htm

The symptothermal method (STM) is a form of natural family planning (NFP) that enables couples to identify accurately the time of the woman’s fertile phase by measuring her temperature and observing cervical secretions.** In the largest, prospective study of STM, the researchers found that if the couples then either abstained from sex or used a barrier method during the fertile period, the rate of unplanned pregnancies per year was 0.4% and 0.6% respectively.** Out of all the 900 women who took part in the study, including those who had unprotected sex during their fertile period, 1.8 per 100 became unintentionally pregnant.

 

[EasterJoy]

OK…well, here’s the deal. The decision of your spouse to sin after you marry, even to sin gravely, does not render your marriage null. If you were to leave over this, the chances are that your marriage would still be valid. So the question you seem to be asking is whether or not you can legitimately leave because he got himself sterilized.

This is canon law on the subject. I’m going to bold a few parts that are of interest.
*Art. 2.

SEPARATION WITH THE BOND REMAINING

Can. 1151 Spouses have the duty and right to preserve conjugal living unless a legitimate cause excuses them.

Can. 1152 §1. **Although it is earnestly recommended that a spouse, moved by Christian charity and concerned for the good of the family, not refuse forgiveness **to an adulterous partner and not disrupt conjugal life, nevertheless, if the spouse did not condone the fault of the other expressly or tacitly, the spouse has the right to sever conjugal living unless the spouse consented to the adultery, gave cause for it, or also committed adultery.

§2. Tacit condonation exists if the innocent spouse has had marital relations voluntarily with the other spouse after having become certain of the adultery. It is presumed, moreover, if the spouse observed conjugal living for six months and did not make recourse to the ecclesiastical or civil authority.

§3. If the innocent spouse has severed conjugal living voluntarily, the spouse is to introduce a cause for separation within six months to the competent ecclesiastical authority which, after having investigated all the circumstances, is to consider carefully whether the innocent spouse can be moved to forgive the fault and not to prolong the separation permanently.

Can. 1153 §1. If either of the spouses causes grave mental or physical danger to the other spouse or to the offspring or otherwise renders common life too difficult, that spouse gives the other a legitimate cause for leaving, either by decree of the local ordinary or even on his or her own authority if there is danger in delay.

§2. In all cases, when the cause for the separation ceases, conjugal living must be restored unless ecclesiastical authority has established otherwise.

Can. 1154 After the separation of the spouses has taken place, the adequate support and education of the children must always be suitably provided.

Can. 1155 The innocent spouse laudably can readmit the other spouse to conjugal life; in this case the innocent spouse renounces the right to separate*.

Here’s the deal: If your husband had actually given you the obvious right to separate by committing adultery, the Church would still earnestly recommend that you not leave, in the interest of Christian charity and for the good of the family. As it is, your right to leave is not at all obvious, because it is not obvious that his sterility would cause you grave emotional harm. Undergoing sterilization is a serious sin, but it does not by any means automatically take on the level of emotional abuse. Seeking a divorce that could have been avoided, meanwhile, is itself a serious sin. Perhaps in the end a divorce will be unavoidable and a split would not be your fault, but you don’t beat back the effects of one sin by committing another. Your marriage enjoys the presumption of validity. I’m not saying that no one legitimately left a marriage with the beginning cause you’re describing. I’m saying that in the absence of adultery it is your Christian duty to fight for your marriage unless you are forced to do otherwise by legitimate cause.

Consider, too, that if you leave your husband you are really not more likely to cause him to repent of this act. That is your work, after all: that is, to act so as to give both you and your husband the best chances of the award of eternal life. If you leave your family, you will probably make it more likely that your children will leave the faith than if you had persevered in your love of your husband and family and in fulfilling your duties towards them all in spite of your spouse’s faulty decision.

You are doing the right thing now, which is earnestly trying to dissuade him from the wrong he has resolved to do. Keep doing that. Keep praying. Perhaps he will relent, and will not go through with it. Don’t start making plans to dissolve your marriage because he has chosen this sin, though. In the event he does not relent, plan his reclamation, not your exit. You have to act in time, but think in terms of eternity…everyone’s eternity. Hang in there, this is very hard, but think according to the big picture. Pray for the grace to do it, because it is worth doing, even if it is very hard. Many have achieved sanctity in just that way.

 

[Rau]

I guess I just don’t see the “point” of intimacy when it comes with such a massive betrayal and renders us only being partially intimate (for lack of a better word) in the eyes of God.

Is it just of you to expect your husband to see the consequences of his act in the same way you do? I can understand he might refrain out of consideration for you, but I suspect he would not see future sex acts as less intimate, etc. and that is understandable given his different background.

 

[TheWarriorMonk]

My husband is scheduled to get a vasectomy against my wishes as a Catholic. We have talked about it extensively and he does not care about my feelings in the matter. Because of this, I honestly feel that if he goes through with this, I will not be able to be a normal wife to him. I will not be able to have sex with him as I will see it as him using my body for pleasure alone. And especially since he will have done this completely against my wishes eventhough I may want another child in the future someday, I don’t know how I can love him really (just being honest sorry). Does anyone know if a Catholic can get a legal separation, rather than an official divorce? We have 5 children. thanks

The #1 issue here is that you have 5 children. Separating in this case means that you are concerned about how you feel first and foremost, children be damned. That is simply a horrible position for a parent to take. Sorry, but I seen way to many children screwed up by parents thinking only about themselves. That includes close, personal friends who kids became so screwed up after separation that we could no longer have them around our kids.

A vasectomy is not the end of the world. While you may be upset by this, ultimately you have no control over his actions. Please don’t focus on the negative and hold anger against your husband. You have 5 children and have been blessed in a way that many others wish they were; don’t throw you blessings out the window…Please…Children First.

 

[EasterJoy]

The #1 issue here is that you have 5 children. Separating in this case means that you are concerned about how you feel first and foremost, children be damned. That is simply a horrible position for a parent to take. Sorry, but I seen way to many children screwed up by parents thinking only about themselves. That includes close, personal friends who kids became so screwed up after separation that we could no longer have them around our kids.

A vasectomy is not the end of the world. While you may be upset by this, ultimately you have no control over his actions. Please don’t focus on the negative and hold anger against your husband. You have 5 children and have been blessed in a way that many others wish they were; don’t throw you blessings out the window…Please…Children First.

It would be very difficult to explain to the children that it was necessary to destroy their home life over this. Abuse or adultery, yes, but to find out that Mom decided not to even try to forgive this…hard. Not at all hard to see how upsetting it is, not at all hard to imagine they might be disappointed in Dad’s choice, but to choose to raise five children alone, to choose to throw Dad out of the house, to decide not to get past it before it even happened, that would be hard to accept.

OP, I think there will be a world of regret if you follow your husband’s rash decision with a rash choice of your own. If you leave, your decision might be ever bit as irreversible as his.

He has stubbornly refused to hear that he needs to trust that he can do what he thinks is beyond him to endure. OP, don’t become stubborn yourself and compound his error by piling yours on top.

 

[steph410]

yes the children would be hurt if there were to be a separation. But if we do not separate and he goes through with this vasectomy, the kids would be living in an environment where their parents don’t love each other and most likely do not even have marital relations. To me, the entire thing would be a sham. I’m not sure how seeing this lived out in front of them every day would be to their benefit? How would it be “better” than a separation (both being equally as bad, in my opinion)?

 

[TheWarriorMonk]

yes the children would be hurt if there were to be a separation. But if we do not separate and he goes through with this vasectomy, the kids would be living in an environment where their parents don’t love each other and most likely do not even have marital relations.

There is a difference between the parents not loving each other nor having sex, and being abusive to each other in front of the children. If a vasectomy is going to damage a marriage to the point where it damages the children, the parents need counseling, and need it badly. Parents should not be so self-centered that the place their own nonessential needs over the essential needs of their children.

 

[steph410]

Parents should not be so self-centered that the place their own nonessential needs over the essential needs of their children.

Interesting. Do you not think it is self-centered in the first place for my husband to choose to get a vasectomy against my wishes just because he doesn’t want more? He is Christian, although not Catholic specifically- I thought bible-believing Christians were supposed to trust in God and know he will provide for them. And to put others before themselves. I want the potential to have another baby in the future and he is selfishly crushing those hopes.

 

[Am2010]

There is a difference between the parents not loving each other nor having sex, and being abusive to each other in front of the children. If a vasectomy is going to damage a marriage to the point where it damages the children, the parents need counseling, and need it badly. Parents should not be so self-centered that the place their own nonessential needs over the essential needs of their children.

Exactly. If you stay and choose to be miserable and make your husband miserable that’s on you. You have the power to be a loving wife and create a safe, peaceful environment for the five children you have. Unbelievable to me that, just recently, you wanted more children with this man you have such hatred towards. Please seek counseling.

 

[steph410]

I can’t help but think there is a sexist overtone to this whole discussion at times. According to certain posters, it’s not selfish of my husband to do this life altering sinful thing against my wishes, but it’s selfish of ME to want to separate after the deed has been done?

this makes no sense to me. All I can conclude is that it’s because I am a woman, and my desires are being made less important simply because I am not male.

 

[steph410]

Exactly. If you stay and choose to be miserable and make your husband miserable that’s on you. You have the power to be a loving wife and create a safe, peaceful environment for the five children you have. Unbelievable to me that, just recently, you wanted more children with this man you have such hatred towards. Please seek counseling.

Please stop responding here. You don’t know me or my husband. thanks

 

[steph410]

The #1 issue here is that you have 5 children. Separating in this case means that you are concerned about how you feel first and foremost, children be damned.

Again. Here I see the sexism. You are condemning me here because I would want a separation. And yet, my HUSBAND is the one that is choosing to get a vasectomy against my wishes. He is initiating this entire problem. I see the hatred of women all over the place here. A man can choose to do whatever he wants, his wife be damned. But is the woman chooses to do something about it, she is not respected in the same way.

 

[Am2010]

Please stop responding here. You don’t know me or my husband. thanks

Are we touching a nerve because you are realizing you could be failing at your vocation of being a wife and mother?

 

[steph410]

Are we touching a nerve because you are realizing you could be failing at your vocation of being a wife and mother?

No, we are not. How am I failing at my vocation as wife and mother exactly.? TROLL.

 

[Mrs_Sally]

I can’t help but think there is a sexist overtone to this whole discussion at times. According to certain posters, it’s not selfish of my husband to do this life altering sinful thing against my wishes, but it’s selfish of ME to want to separate after the deed has been done?

this makes no sense to me. All I can conclude is that it’s because I am a woman, and my desires are being made less important simply because I am not male.

You are reaching here. We are responding to you, because you posted. There are other threads where the husband posted and the replies say not to get a vasectomy. We cannot change your husband, and neither can you. What we can do is counsel you to the best of our ability to work at your marriage for the sake of the children you do have.

If you leave him and your children, you have no guarentees that you will be able to marry again in the Church and have another child with your new husband. If your husband does not get a vasectomy, you have no guarentees that you two will have another child anyway.

You have talked in the recent past about being concerned yourself about having more children. Your husband apparently shares those concerns and is doing what he believes is the responsible thing. Yes, we know it is grave matter, but even though you have voiced your concerns, you do not know if this action will be a mortal sin on his part.

You really need to talk to a priest and get counselling. Even if you were completely justified in leaving your family, it would still be wise for you to have support. In this much less clear-cut situation, you should availe yourself of whatever spiritual, emotional and practical advice and support is avialble to you IRL.

 

[Am2010]

No, we are not. How am I failing at my vocation as wife and mother exactly.? TROLL.

Nope, not a troll, I registered here over three years ago. I read the forums frequently I just don’t post often. By failing at your vocation I meant you are considering withholding
marital relations and breaking up the family home. That choice would be on you not on your
Protestant husband.

 

[steph410]

Nope, not a troll, I registered here over three years ago. I read the forums frequently I just don’t post often. By failing at your vocation I meant you are considering withholding
marital relations and breaking up the family home. That choice would be on you not on your
Protestant husband.

And he’s not failing by getting a permanent sterilization procedure when his wife does not agree and would potentially want another child if God allowed it?

It doesn’t have anything to do with Catholic or Protestant. You are being sexist and woman hating. Good luck to you. I hope that works out great in your life.