Protestant husband insists on getting a vasectomy against my wishes- can I get a legal separation?

[steph410]

I’m sorry but just because someone is not Catholic does not give them a free pass to do whatever they please in a marriage.

 

[Truth_Faith13]

In an earlier post you said people hadn’t answered your initial question? How can this be the case? Allow me to summarise…

1. can you get a LEGAL separation…well of course, religion aside, divorce is allowed
2. would it be right in the eyes of the church…NO
3. would you be living in sin after your husband has a vesectemy…NO
4. go talk to another priest who will listen to you
5. pray about it!
6. try and understand that your husband is Protestant and therefore does not hold same beliefs as you
7. even if your husband was catholic, having a vesectemy while being a sin, can be forgiven.
8. talk to your husband

I’m not entirely sure how else you would like other posters here to respond?

It is clear from early posts of yours that you have held hatred for your husband and this is not a recent thing. I think you have made up your mind and are hoping for some catholic to come along and tell you it’s ok to have a separation…you know this isn’t the case. Oh and by the way, it is perfectly acceptable to look through old posts on a PUBLIC forum to get a better context of the situation.

I am struggling to understand how you are saying your husband is being selfish, it is against God etc etc. but you yourself want to do something which is against God…separate? You can’t throw God at another sinner and say its Against God, but then when it comes to your own decisions, ignore God. That just isn’t right. Your husband has different beliefs to you, you knew this when you married him.

It is very easy to hold contempt…even hatred for someone who you feel have wronged you, but the only person these bad feelings destroy is yourself. Don’t let bad feelings destroy you. Please…pray about it…let God enter peace into your heart.

Ill be praying for you

 

[Am2010]

And he’s not failing by getting a permanent sterilization procedure when his wife does not agree and would potentially want another child if God allowed it?

It doesn’t have anything to do with Catholic or Protestant. You are being sexist and woman hating. Good luck to you. I hope that works out great in your life.

No worries here, great life. I’m a happily married Mom of four. I just wanted to point out how your attitude is making your situation worse. But if the majority here can’t make you see that I don’t know why I bothered chiming in.

 

[steph410]

In an earlier post you said people hadn’t answered your initial question? How can this be the case? Allow me to summarise…

1. can you get a LEGAL separation…well of course, religion aside, divorce is allowed
2. would it be right in the eyes of the church…NO
3. would you be living in sin after your husband has a vesectemy…NO
4. go talk to another priest who will listen to you
5. pray about it!
6. try and understand that your husband is Protestant and therefore does not hold same beliefs as you
7. even if your husband was catholic, having a vesectemy while being a sin, can be forgiven.
8. talk to your husband

I’m not entirely sure how else you would like other posters here to respond?

It is clear from early posts of yours that you have held hatred for your husband and this is not a recent thing. I think you have made up your mind and are hoping for some catholic to come along and tell you it’s ok to have a separation…you know this isn’t the case. Oh and by the way, it is perfectly acceptable to look through old posts on a PUBLIC forum to get a better context of the situation.

I am struggling to understand how you are saying your husband is being selfish, it is against God etc etc. but you yourself want to do something which is against God…separate? You can’t throw God at another sinner and say its Against God, but then when it comes to your own decisions, ignore God. That just isn’t right. Your husband has different beliefs to you, you knew this when you married him.

It is very easy to hold contempt…even hatred for someone who you feel have wronged you, but the only person these bad feelings destroy is yourself. Don’t let bad feelings destroy you. Please…pray about it…let God enter peace into your heart.

Ill be praying for you

I’m not sure I agree with your numbered responses above. If contracepted sex in a marriage is wrong, then how can it be ok to have sex with him after he has a vasectomy? I just still do not have a real answer to this. Secondly I never stated I was leaving my husband. It is something I have to honestly think about because I don’t think I can live with him in a normal healthy way after this is done. It is that serious for me. I hold my religious beliefs very sacred. I don’t take it lightly. I don’t err on the side of the popular cultural beliefs of the day.

I don’t expect any more responses. I have pretty much realized this forum is useless for real concerns. Have a nice day.

 

[Truth_Faith13]

No worries here, great life. I’m a happily married Mom of four. I just wanted to point out how your attitude is making your situation worse. But if the majority here can’t make you see that I don’t know why I bothered chiming in.

I’m a woman too…and I think several of the others are! (I don’t know though, haven’t been here long enough to remember who is male and who is female)

 

[steph410]

No worries here, great life. I’m a happily married Mom of four. I just wanted to point out how your attitude is making your situation worse. But if the majority here can’t make you see that I don’t know why I bothered chiming in.

I was a happily married mom of many at one point too. things change. we all need to decide what is true and worth taking a stand for in life.

 

[Burt_Macklin]

It would seem very hypocritical to commit a mortal sin to get what you want at the same time as you use your husband’s sin as a pretext to separate from him. It really seems that you have a deep hatred for your husband and a need to control and manipulate him.

 

[steph410]

oh, but he doesn’t have a deep hatred for me and a need to control and manipulate me?

of course not, because he’s a man and men can do whatever they please. women are apparently only here to go along for the ride.

 

[steph410]

you all have a warped view of the rights of men and women in Christ.

 

[Truth_Faith13]

I’m not sure I agree with your numbered responses above. If contracepted sex in a marriage is wrong, then how can it be ok to have sex with him after he has a vasectomy? I just still do not have a real answer to this. Secondly I never stated I was leaving my husband. It is something I have to honestly think about because I don’t think I can live with him in a normal healthy way after this is done. It is that serious for me. I hold my religious beliefs very sacred. I don’t take it lightly. I don’t err on the side of the popular cultural beliefs of the day.

I don’t expect any more responses. I have pretty much realized this forum is useless for real concerns. Have a nice day.

Ok so why did you marry a Protestant if you hold your beliefs so sacred?

Have you heard a thing called forgiveness? That has also been mentioned…plus the fact that you have made it perfectly clear you object so the sin would NOT be yours.

For goodness sake, be honest with yourself…you have already made the decision! You don’t need us to tell you what to do and no one here will tell you what you want to hear…not even me.

 

[steph410]

Ok so why did you marry a Protestant if you hold your beliefs so sacred?

Have you heard a thing called forgiveness? That has also been mentioned…plus the fact that you have made it perfectly clear you object so the sin would NOT be yours.

For goodness sake, be honest with yourself…you have already made the decision! You don’t need us to tell you what to do and no one here will tell you what you want to hear…not even me.

your first two statements are just purely beligerant. get a life.

 

[Truth_Faith13]

oh, but he doesn’t have a deep hatred for me and a need to control and manipulate me?

of course not, because he’s a man and men can do whatever they please. women are apparently only here to go along for the ride.

I’m really starting to understand why he wants the vasectomy…and you want to bring another child into this type of a relationship?? That is wrong, very wrong!

 

[Truth_Faith13]

your first two statements are just purely beligerant. get a life.

I think you mean belligerent but they are genuine questions and ones you should consider…

 

[Cricket2]

It would seem very hypocritical to commit a mortal sin to get what you want at the same time as you use your husband’s sin as a pretext to separate from him. It really seems that you have a deep hatred for your husband and a need to control and manipulate him.

If her husband gets this vasectomy she has grounds for an annulment in the eyes of the Church. He would be the one that is considered to be committing the sin, not her. There is to be an openness to having more children when a couple is married and have sexual relations. I do believe that she would be able to refuse these relations is the future since the vasectomy would close that door. (The Church is opposed to birth control of this fashion.) So, how is she committing a mortal sin by asking about a legal separation?

 

[Rico_S]

If her husband gets this vasectomy she has grounds for an annulment in the eyes of the Church. He would be the one that is considered to be committing the sin, not her. There is to be an openness to having more children when a couple is married and have sexual relations. I do believe that she would be able to refuse these relations is the future since the vasectomy would close that door. (The Church is opposed to birth control of this fashion.) So, how is she committing a mortal sin by asking about a legal separation?

sigh The moderators need to come lock this thing. It is getting ridiculous

 

[Lorelei12]

Steph, I think others have answered your question- yes, you can legally separate, but no, the Church would likely not advocate it in this case.

I think most, if not all, of the posters on your thread agree that what he is doing is wrong. It is a sad and hurtful thing, and of course it will impact how you experience intimacy. Your feelings are absolutely understandable.

However- I agree with the others who have said separating is not the best course of action, especially for your children. Getting the vasectomy is his choice, and you cannot do any more than you have been doing by trying to dissuade him. He may be selfish, but it might be a good idea to examine your motives as well. If he is truly in mental anguish over having more children, and you want more, neither one of you is necessarily “right” (at least, about trying to have more or not). Obviously a vasectomy is not the right way to go about it, but consider that he is not necessarily wrong for not being thrilled about the idea of more. Not everyone can handle it, and it matters how BOTH of you feel about it.

I also took a look at some of your past threads, just to get a better idea of the situation and it does seem that your marital issues go way deeper than all of this. You have written about problems with your in laws, problems with religion, and even that you “hate” your husband and want to divorce him numerous times. So many people in your threads have suggested counseling, and I do hope that you have taken their advice.

Think long and hard about what a separation will do to your children emotionally. Also think practically about what it would mean to them and you financially if you have been a stay at home mom. I know you are anguished about this, and rightly so. But you CAN stay married, live together, and be intimate- whether you choose to uphold your marriage vows is really up to you. Remember what you promised to him, and that even when our spouse isn’t upholding their end, it’s still our job to uphold ours.

 

[EasterJoy]

yes the children would be hurt if there were to be a separation. But if we do not separate and he goes through with this vasectomy, the kids would be living in an environment where their parents don’t love each other and most likely do not even have marital relations. To me, the entire thing would be a sham. I’m not sure how seeing this lived out in front of them every day would be to their benefit? How would it be “better” than a separation (both being equally as bad, in my opinion)?

I don’t know what sort of lies the devil has been feeding you, but if he uses your husband’s fear of more children to break up an intact family, you will have been part of the reason. Your insistence that you cannot possibly forgive or endure this sin of your husband is not according to Catholic teaching.

Your marriage would be a sham if you make it a sham. Well, no, actually it would not be. It would be just as valid as the day you married, and you will be abandoning your vows far more seriously than your husband is contemplating doing. Did you get married thinking that you weren’t bound if your husband turns out to be some awful sinner? Think again.

You have a duty to live the common conjugal life unless some cause excuses you, and you are strongly encouraged to continue the common conjugal life even if some cause does excuse you! Do you get that? You do not have carte blanche to take off the first time you find what you consider to be a serious excuse to leave! The reason must be so serious that forgiveness and charity alone cannot argue in favor of enduring it longer. That is not a description of your case. Forgiveness and charity are needed, but forgiveness and charity will suffice in your case, if you will supply them. You have a duty to do so, if you can. You have a duty to try.

This cause does not automatically excuse you, but you don’t seem to want to hear that. You are being just as stubborn as your husband in terms of insisting that the world is not the way it is, but the way you want it to be. Do you plan on going before the Judgment Seat and trying to excuse your abdication of your marriage vows with “yeah, but he…”? That isn’t going to fly.

Plan on saving your marriage. No excuses. Period. Next…

 

[steph410]

Obviously a vasectomy is not the right way to go about it, but consider that he is not necessarily wrong for not being thrilled about the idea of more. Not everyone can handle it, and it matters how BOTH of you feel about it.

But you CAN stay married, live together, and be intimate- whether you choose to uphold your marriage vows is really up to you. Remember what you promised to him, and that even when our spouse isn’t upholding their end, it’s still our job to uphold ours.

To the first bolded, if he’s not thrilled about more he can certainly abstain either all the time or during fertile periods. there is no NEED for a vasectomy.

To the second bolded, what about what HE promised to ME? To have children and a family. To love honor cherish. I don’t think completely blocking me out of this life changing decision would fall under honoring and cherishing, do you?

 

[Truth_Faith13]

:banghead:

 

[steph410]

Plan on saving your marriage. No excuses. Period. Next…

I don’t know what kind of lies the devil, through our Godless culture, has been feeding you actually. It would be quite hard to save a marriage after he is blatantly disregarding me in this most elemental decision regarding our marriage, family and life together. that is simplistic thinking. If I am to stay in the marriage, it will be dark and sad and 100% his doing.