Purgatory for Hating In-Laws?

[hellokitty]

Greetings all,

I was struck with fear the other day while I was watching Mother Angelica’s show on Purgatory. She basically said if you harbor anger in your heart you would end up in purgatory.

I hate my in-laws. For 22 years I have hated them. I pray to Jesus every night to take the bitterness out of my heart. I pray that the Holy Spirit will help me overcome my extreme reaction. There is no one else I don’t like, just them. It ordinarily wouldn’t annoy me too much. But if it’s going to put me in purgatory, it needs to get fixed now.

So, here’s my idea. Praying is just not working, or not yet. My next attempt is going to be to totally forget they exist. There is no reason I should ever have to interact with them. My kids are adults. My husband knows I have a phobia of them. If I just avoid thinking about them like the plague then I will never have reason to think bad about them thus saving me from harboring hatred. Everyone’s a winner.
Any other suggestions?
Jen

 

[Castello]

We cannot love God and hate other people.

Make the decision to love them. Confess the hatred to your priest. Every time you think of hating, say out loudl “I love you” and pray for them.

You may still dislike them - and you may choose to never see them again - but hate that is unresolved can become grave matter (that gets you somewhere OTHER than purgatory).

 

[Trishie]

You will not be able to forget them.

You say you pray for the ability to forgive, but do you pray for them? Matthew 5:44
Jesus said, “pray for your enemies.”" pray for those who persecute you"
Even if you don’t want to be near them for a very good reason, forgiveness requires that you pray for their welfare and for the salvation of their souls, whatever you think or feel.
Sometimes that is what forgiveness is, the act of praying for their true good before God.
Whether or not you expect results is irrelevant. You don’t know if God will give them necessary graces even at the last instant of life. Pray fervently for that. Not just once but often.

God bless and heal.

 

[Catholic90]

Love is an action, not an emotion. You may not feel all fuzzy warm inside, but you can actively choose to love them, a verb.

If they are toxic people (not saying they are), you do not have to see them. But pray for them and love them.

 

[odile53]

Well, Jesus said you have to love them, meaning you have to have a concern for their well-being and you have to treat them with courtesy, kindness, and charity. He didn’t say they have to be your best buddies. Regardless of what they behave like, they have at least one redeeming quality–your husband comes from that family, and I’m sure you don’t dislike him!

You’re not going to be able to wish this away, or ignore them and pretend they don’t exist. So you might as well try praying for their happiness and well-being. It’s as much self-interest as anything else: When people you don’t particularly like are happy, they’re not too likely to do things to annoy you!

You might want to sit down and see if you can be objective and list five good qualities each of them have. Everyone has some good qualities; I had a grade school teacher who said that even Satan had one good quality–he’s a hard worker–LOL! See if you can come up with five that each of them have, even if it’s something as stupid as your mother-in-law can decorate a cake, or some silly example like that.

Okay. Now you have your list. See if you can look at that list of their good qualities and see the hand of God. Pray over the list. Pray every day over that list for a month. That’s because it usually takes about a month to establish a good habit. It doesn’t come overnight. You’ve held this feeling for twenty-two years, don’t expect it to go away overnight.

Keep at it. In addition to the obvious spiritual disaster this has the potential to be for you (ask yourself if they’re worth spending a thousand years in purgatory for,) hatred is a very corrosive emotion for all of us, right here and right now. It raises our blood pressures, makes our hearts race, makes our muscles tense up and does all sorts of things to our bodies. It discolors our thoughts so that we can’t be objective and make good decisions or take appropriate action. It disrupts our sleep, intrudes on our leisure time, and ruins our prayer life. Again, these people you don’t like—are they worth the harm that this emotion is doing to you?

Take it all to God in prayer: Ask Him to let you show them at least kindness and courtesy. Ask Him to help you develop a tolerant point of view toward them. He will help you, if you’re willing to cooperate.

Start today: This has already consumed you for far too long. You don’t have to waste one more minute of your life keeping this feeling going, and God will help you move on, if you want His help.

 

[jamanne]

I have suffered for forty five years with an inlaw that almost causd me a nevous break down .I know what hate feels like this is the only person in my life that has caused me to experience that motion.It is not pleasant .I have prayed for her / me all of our family to get over the hurts. she is very sly person and you never know when or where the next blow is coming from.I now at my age just pray for her and hope some day things will change but I wouldn;t count on it all I can say is be pleasant but distant .I send her Christmas /b/day cards, nice ones like all the family gets and that’s all I can do just keep praying and learn how to "manage " her.I try to remember that she is also a child of God and it’s not my busines to change her but I don’t have to be a doormat either cheers

 

[Neildown]

I almost thought I hated a person before, though this was just over internet. He was someone that popped up at one of my regular sites, and at first I thought he was ok, but then he started mocking me and my faith, and every chance he could get he would rub it in subversively while others were around. Eventually whenever I saw him online I wanted to just be the rudest, most ignorant person in the world to him, and after any encounter with him I would basically seethe for awhile afterwards [this was before I fully developed my personal trolling defenses].

But in the midst of that seething I knew that I shouldn’t hate him, and that his rudeness was due to ignorance on his part or some other problem going on with him. So, after awhile I still kept on getting mad from these encounters, but afterwards I would start reflecting more on why I needed to be loving and forgiving, rather than why I needed to hate and hurt. Eventually I was able to ween myself off of the “hating” process * and was able to start making amendments with this person. After a few of these attempts failed he got banned for a period. But when he returned - to my surprise - he was not back with a vengeance, but had essentially reformed his attitude. Now I consider him a friend of mine.

We have disagreements of course, and I have other people I disagree with largely, or other people that just don’t sit right with me, but I’ve made it a priority in life never to actually “hate” people. You can still be mad/angry at a person without being hateful - even if they have only done everything to insult or hurt you. I’m not aware of all the details of your situation, so I couldn’t give direct advice, but that’s my piece.*

 

[coco2]

Maybe to get into heaven, we have to forgive and love the people who have harmed us the most. Man, is that a hard pill to swallow!

 

[JRKH]

Greetings all,

I was struck with fear the other day while I was watching Mother Angelica’s show on Purgatory. She basically said if you harbor anger in your heart you would end up in purgatory.

I hate my in-laws. For 22 years I have hated them. I pray to Jesus every night to take the bitterness out of my heart. I pray that the Holy Spirit will help me overcome my extreme reaction. There is no one else I don’t like, just them. It ordinarily wouldn’t annoy me too much. But if it’s going to put me in purgatory, it needs to get fixed now.

I agree that this needs to be fixed. I am likewise glad that you see the need to avoid purgatory. But have you tried to see them as God sees them? What is it about them that makes you angry to the point of hate?
God Loves the worst sinner and wants to call all to His table.
We are called to Love that which God Loves.

So, here’s my idea. Praying is just not working, or not yet.

I believe this is because you are not choosing to do the heavy lifting here. If you are sincerely praying then the grace is there in your “account”. But you must embrace that grace and act upon it.

My next attempt is going to be to totally forget they exist. There is no reason I should ever have to interact with them. My kids are adults. My husband knows I have a phobia of them. If I just avoid thinking about them like the plague then I will never have reason to think bad about them thus saving me from harboring hatred. Everyone’s a winner.

I agree that stepping back can be a good thing. Give yourself time to relax and regroup. This can be a good first step. However, if you think that “not thinking of them” is the same as not hating them, you are deluding yourself.
Unless you address this issue in your heart and forgive them and choose to love them as God’s children, your wound will remain.

Any other suggestions?
Jen

Not really - more prayer and perhaps some discussions with your priest/confessor and with your husband etc…

May God guide you on your journey.

Peace
James

 

[IrishRush]

You say you pray for the ability to forgive, but do you pray for them? Matthew 5:44
Jesus said, “pray for your enemies.”" pray for those who persecute you"

I think this is key. I had a similar situation with very negative feelings but for someone who was not family. I confessed my lack of forgiveness and charity and my priest told me to pray for this person every day. And I did. What I discovered is that you cannot pray for someone sincerely every day and still feel animosity toward them. It’s gradual, but if you do pray for them every day, one day you’ll realize that those feelings are gone.

I pray that the Holy Spirit will help me overcome my extreme reaction.

One other thing I’ve noticed is when I pray I have to be careful what exactly I ask God for. For instance, I have found that when I pray for patience, instead of finding that God grants this, like, poof - I’m patient, he will give me opportunities to learn and practice patience. So I’ve learned to be careful… *

 

[Lisa44]

I too have this issue. BIG TIME. And its a really hard thing to deal with day in and day out. I have someone in my life who lives in my house, who is rude and disrespectful to me.
I know I’m not supposed to hate this person but…, there is nothing about them that I like. I was a doormat for this person for many years. Not any more though. I had quite enough of that thank you!

Do not let people walk all over you. There are people out there who take advantage of other’s weakness’s and will exploit them for their own gain. So we have to be strong and resist their evil ways. Do not pretend what they do is ok. Do not tolerate the behavior. Say, what you are doing to me is wrong and I won’t allow it to continue.

Then, I also have issues with my biological family. I converted to Christianity (Catholic church) and my family are all atheists and they are so rude to me. A family member would go out of her way to actually give a donation to Muslims in my name for Christmas just to make me mad.

We are supposed to respect our parents and I understand that, but what do you do when they are constantly insulting you? I just turn the other cheek but the problem is that over time that ends up eating you up inside. That is why I don’t recommend being a doormat.

When the bible says “love your enemies” I don’t think it means: let them walk all over you and make you feel bad about yourself everyday. I think it means that we must not do to them what they do to us! Firstly. And secondly, it means that we must also not tolerate them doing mean things to us because that is not love. Do not tolerate them to abuse you. If you do that, then you might allow depression to enter into your thoughts, (your self esteem will crumble) and then you are now having a serious problem.

We have to love ourselves too right? So don’t allow anyone to abuse you.

Honestly, I do not think its possible for me to love someone who hates me.

I know the bible says we are supposed to but I don’t understand that. It doesn’t make sense. Unless love just means “don’t be mean back to them” and turn the other cheek.

I do that, I turn the other cheek, but I don’t like them.

But even in turning the other cheek I find that it gives me residual “self esteem” issues.

How do you let someone insult you, and you say nothing back to them, how do you then go on to have a healthy self esteem?

That is a problem.

It is a problem for victims of verbally abusive spouses also. I have seen a parent, constantly take verbal abuse from another parent, never standing up for themselves, and then the victim eventually takes on the characteristics of the abuser.

This is a very real problem. That is why I decided to withdraw my “love” from people who are abusive to me. I try and avoid them at all costs, and if I do see them then I make sure I have my guard up. Even with your guard up, its still hard though.

Probably we are supposed to leave abusive family members. And have nothing to do with them.

 

[JRKH]

Lisa,
You make some good points above.
I agree that God does not wish us to be “doormats” for others, but then again, we must be sure to remain Christian in any response. For instance, when we make clear to another that their behavior is hurtful and we will no longer tolerate it, the comment should (if possible) be made in private (Mt 18:15) discussion.

If they choose to continue to abuse us, especially publicly, we must not retaliate with hateful speech. We must not return abuse for abuse. Instead we need to pray and work at trying to see them through God’s eyes. God loves them just as he loves us. God wishes for them to come to Him just as we have.

I’ve been there often myself and I know that it is frightfully difficult to strike a balance between standing up for ones self and beliefs and still being a Loving Christian. Satan loves to get into our heads through this sort of thing. Tempting us to say and do things that undermine our professed faith. So that the world sees evil instead of good through us.

When St Francis made the famous statement, “Preach the Gospel always, when necessary use words”, he was speaking clearly to these types of situations. All of our actions, all of our words, all of our being reflects on our professed faith.
Let us all bear this in mind as we seek to show Christ to the world…Especially as we seek to shine God’s light into the dark corners of atheism and abusive, hateful behavior.

Christ be with us all.

Peace
James

 

[Kay_Cee]

Here’s how I finally learned to let go of the animosity I felt toward certain persons. Here’s how I finally learned to forgive them. I took all the pain a person had caused me and offered it up for the intention of that person’s soul.

When you think about it, this is what Jesus did for all of us on the cross. It’s our sins that put Him there, but He offered up His suffering for us.

So, when one of your in-laws causes you pain, immediately offer it up for the intention of his or her soul.

You’ll be surprised how well this works.

 

[IrishRush]

Here’s how I finally learned to let go of the animosity I felt toward certain persons. Here’s how I finally learned to forgive them. I took all the pain a person had caused me and offered it up for the intention of that person’s soul.

When you think about it, this is what Jesus did for all of us on the cross. It’s our sins that put Him there, but He offered up His suffering for us.

So, when one of your in-laws causes you pain, immediately offer it up for the intention of his or her soul.

You’ll be surprised how well this works.

I love this!! Thank you Kay Cee, for sharing this. I’ll will surely use it.

 

[thistle]

Greetings all,

I was struck with fear the other day while I was watching Mother Angelica’s show on Purgatory. She basically said if you harbor anger in your heart you would end up in purgatory.

I hate my in-laws. For 22 years I have hated them. I pray to Jesus every night to take the bitterness out of my heart. I pray that the Holy Spirit will help me overcome my extreme reaction. There is no one else I don’t like, just them. It ordinarily wouldn’t annoy me too much. But if it’s going to put me in purgatory, it needs to get fixed now.

So, here’s my idea. Praying is just not working, or not yet. My next attempt is going to be to totally forget they exist. There is no reason I should ever have to interact with them. My kids are adults. My husband knows I have a phobia of them. If I just avoid thinking about them like the plague then I will never have reason to think bad about them thus saving me from harboring hatred. Everyone’s a winner.
Any other suggestions?
Jen

You should be more worried about going to Hell than Purgatory depending on how deep your hatred is.

CCC 2303 Deliberate hatred is contrary to charity. Hatred of the neighbor is a sin when one deliberately wishes him evil.** Hatred of the neighbor is a grave sin when one deliberately desires him grave harm.** “But I say to you, Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you, so that you may be sons of your Father who is in heaven.”

 

[coco2]

My mother-in-law came in my house today, and started opening up drawers,closets, looking inside little jewelry boxes on my dresser, opening up closed doors to bedrooms that were not cleaned etc. I asked her what she was doing ( while laughing) and she said she was just checking things out. I suppose your jaws are dropping open! Well, after 27 years of marriage, it took a long time to get used to this woman, but now I love her and look at each of her visits as an adventure! I have had many “run-ins” with her, but I wasn’t about to make my husband choose between me or his mom and I wanted my children to love and respect their grandmother ( even if she didn’t always love and respect me). She is the stereotypical italian mother-in-law. Think “Everybody Loves Raymond”, and you have the right idea! I made a decision to love her, and not let anything she does disrupt the apple cart, but it took a lot of practice and determination for me to be successful with this. That is because love is a decision. So, if you decide that you are going to love them, rather than hate them, Jesus jumps on board with that and makes it a reality. One wonderful thing your in-laws did for you was give you your husband, therefore, they aren’t all bad if they raised a person you fell in love with.

As I said before, I sometimes think that the one thing we must do to be allowed entrance to heaven is to love and forgive those we can’t stand the most.

 

[dailey]

My mother-in-law came in my house today, and started opening up drawers,closets, looking inside little jewelry boxes on my dresser, opening up closed doors to bedrooms that were not cleaned etc. I asked her what she was doing ( while laughing) and she said she was just checking things out. I suppose your jaws are dropping open! Well, after 27 years of marriage, it took a long time to get used to this woman, but now I love her and look at each of her visits as an adventure! I have had many “run-ins” with her, but I wasn’t about to make my husband choose between me or his mom and I wanted my children to love and respect their grandmother ( even if she didn’t always love and respect me). She is the stereotypical italian mother-in-law. Think “Everybody Loves Raymond”, and you have the right idea! I made a decision to love her, and not let anything she does disrupt the apple cart, but it took a lot of practice and determination for me to be successful with this. That is because love is a decision. So, if you decide that you are going to love them, rather than hate them, Jesus jumps on board with that and makes it a reality. One wonderful thing your in-laws did for you was give you your husband, therefore, they aren’t all bad if they raised a person you fell in love with.

As I said before, I sometimes think that the one thing we must do to be allowed entrance to heaven is to love and forgive those we can’t stand the most.

What a lovely post!

 

[fin]

I have people I don’t like, people who are causing me and my loved ones much distress and anxiety right now.

I don’t like them, but I love them. How, you may ask? I pray for them everyday. I pray that they change and convert, and stop bothering us in any way. I told God that I also want to see them in Heaven, eventually when I’m done and when they’re done with their lives here on earth.

So you may dislike your in-laws. You are not required to like them or to be best friends with them. But pray for them regularly, that hopefully, you may also see them in Heaven next time.

 

[hellokitty]

I appreciate all your replies, I have a new understanding. This is more serious than I had thought. But with a fresh understanding, I can also see I have more choices.

These people have given us a lot of money over the years when we needed it. I feel very indebted to them and so it bothers me that I have such strong feelings of dislike toward them.
Several times they have been very cruel to my family and I. My husband’s father is a Lutheran Minister. They always make sure when they are at an event to let everyone know his title. Yet he is the coldest man I have ever met.
My grandmother died in June and our priest, who is very young, was doing the mass. My f-i-l made a derogatory remark about my priest during the visitation. I didn’t directly hear it but one of the pastoral staff did and she passed it on to me.
When my house burned down 2 days after Christmas 4 years ago, he was incredibly unsympathetic to me, confronting me for speaking against my husbands wishes. We do not have the kind of marriage where I am not permitted to speak my mind with my husband.
I have reached out to them. I have made their favorite meal many times and brought to their home, I’ve baked cookies, sent cards just to say we love them, tried to show interest in the activities they enjoy, etc. But still, there is this feeling in my heart. It’s bitterness and it bothers me a great deal. I do not or have not ever felt the way I do about anyone ever.
As an aside, someone posted that if you have hate in your heart you can’t have Jesus or love or something in your heart, and wow, that is so not true. Human beings are sinners. We all deal with anger and yes, even hate.
There have been many times such as these over the past 22 years. And everything I have tried to be respectful because they are my husbands parents but that’s over now.
I have breast cancer. I refuse to give these people one more second of my life. So, I think I see that my original idea is good. Life is short. Focusing on the negative certainly will not enhance the quality of my life. I’m throwing in the towel. I will surrender the whole thing to Jesus, I think someone suggested that.
Thank you soooo much! Problem solved.

 

[thistle]

I appreciate all your replies, I have a new understanding. This is more serious than I had thought. But with a fresh understanding, I can also see I have more choices.

These people have given us a lot of money over the years when we needed it. I feel very indebted to them and so it bothers me that I have such strong feelings of dislike toward them.
Several times they have been very cruel to my family and I. My husband’s father is a Lutheran Minister. They always make sure when they are at an event to let everyone know his title. Yet he is the coldest man I have ever met.
My grandmother died in June and our priest, who is very young, was doing the mass. My f-i-l made a derogatory remark about my priest during the visitation. I didn’t directly hear it but one of the pastoral staff did and she passed it on to me.
When my house burned down 2 days after Christmas 4 years ago, he was incredibly unsympathetic to me, confronting me for speaking against my husbands wishes. We do not have the kind of marriage where I am not permitted to speak my mind with my husband.
I have reached out to them. I have made their favorite meal many times and brought to their home, I’ve baked cookies, sent cards just to say we love them, tried to show interest in the activities they enjoy, etc. But still, there is this feeling in my heart. It’s bitterness and it bothers me a great deal. I do not or have not ever felt the way I do about anyone ever.
As an aside, someone posted that if you have hate in your heart you can’t have Jesus or love or something in your heart, and wow, that is so not true. Human beings are sinners. We all deal with anger and yes, even hate.
There have been many times such as these over the past 22 years. And everything I have tried to be respectful because they are my husbands parents but that’s over now.
I have breast cancer. I refuse to give these people one more second of my life. So, I think I see that my original idea is good. Life is short. Focusing on the negative certainly will not enhance the quality of my life. I’m throwing in the towel**. I will surrender the whole thing to Jesus,** I think someone suggested that.
Thank you soooo much! Problem solved.

That means you must forgive and love your enemies and pray for them.