Purity in relationships

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old_english

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So my boyfriend and I have been together for a couple of months already, and we’ve been through many different trials and tribulations that have served to deepen our relationship. I’ve told him from the start that we wouldn’t engage in sex before marriage, and he has agreed. However, now we’re encountering a problem with my desire to pursue purity and stay pure until marriage. Let me try to explain clearly the confusion of this ordeal:

My boyfriend, we’ll call him ‘Bob’, has given up his desires for physical intimacies with me, which of course he has struggled greatly with, but more so because he feels it is going against himself- he feels that this embracing of physical intimacy is a way of expressing his complete self and his love for me, and robbing him of this has greatly hurt him. He has proposed that we could at least ‘talk’ about what we would wish to- in other words, physical intimacies, such as to arouse ourselves and in this way, become physically intimate without actual actions. However, I refuse to do this since I feel it would lead me astray from my aim to remain pure.

‘Bob’ sees this as a way to strengthen our bond- but I feel that it could introduce lust into our relationship, however he counter-argues that it wouldn’t be lust because it is a thing that is only shared between us both- shared with the one we love. He feels there is no other way to get closer to each other than this- and of course, has also appealed to my guilt, saying that love is about sacrifice, and I should be willing to sacrifice this little bit for us both. It is true that he has done so much for me- set aside his desires to show me affection through physicality, since it has been the only thing he knows; it has been a true sacrifice for him. And I wish to show him my love and gratitude- only I have troubling trying to find something I could do for him. He says to show him through complying with this- talking dirty with one another, arousing ourselves and forming these images in our mind- convinced that there is no harm in it.

I feel confused as to what we should do- this argument comes up frequently, as he feels there is no harm in it but rather beneficial. Perhaps I am wrong in this? - advice would be greatly appreciated as to how to go about with this issue, how it can be resolved and such. :confused:
 
Hurry up and marry the guy!

St. Paul advised us that it’s better to marry than burn with desire… or something like that…
 
old_english said:
So my boyfriend and I have been together for a couple of months already, and we’ve been through many different trials and tribulations that have served to deepen our relationship. I’ve told him from the start that we wouldn’t engage in sex before marriage, and he has agreed. However, now we’re encountering a problem with my desire to pursue purity and stay pure until marriage. Let me try to explain clearly the confusion of this ordeal:

My boyfriend, we’ll call him ‘Bob’, has given up his desires for physical intimacies with me, which of course he has struggled greatly with, but more so because he feels it is going against himself- he feels that this embracing of physical intimacy is a way of expressing his complete self and his love for me, and robbing him of this has greatly hurt him. He has proposed that we could at least ‘talk’ about what we would wish to- in other words, physical intimacies, such as to arouse ourselves and in this way, become physically intimate without actual actions. However, I refuse to do this since I feel it would lead me astray from my aim to remain pure.

‘Bob’ sees this as a way to strengthen our bond- but I feel that it could introduce lust into our relationship, however he counter-argues that it wouldn’t be lust because it is a thing that is only shared between us both- shared with the one we love. He feels there is no other way to get closer to each other than this- and of course, has also appealed to my guilt, saying that love is about sacrifice, and I should be willing to sacrifice this little bit for us both. It is true that he has done so much for me- set aside his desires to show me affection through physicality, since it has been the only thing he knows; it has been a true sacrifice for him. And I wish to show him my love and gratitude- only I have troubling trying to find something I could do for him. He says to show him through complying with this- talking dirty with one another, arousing ourselves and forming these images in our mind- convinced that there is no harm in it.

I feel confused as to what we should do- this argument comes up frequently, as he feels there is no harm in it but rather beneficial. Perhaps I am wrong in this? - advice would be greatly appreciated as to how to go about with this issue, how it can be resolved and such. :confused:
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Sounds to me like you need to get a new boy friend, “Bob” is deliberately trying to emotionally manipulate you into having sex with him and is not respecting your purity at all.

“Bob’, has given up his desires for physical intimacies with me” No he clearly has not or you wouldn’t be posting the above.

“he feels it is going against himself- he feels that this embracing of physical intimacy is a way of expressing his complete self and his love for me” He is emotionally manipulating you with this kind of nonsense, he knows it appeals to women, that is why he is saying it.

“He has proposed that we could at least ‘talk’ about what we would wish to- in other words, physical intimacies, such as to arouse ourselves and in this way, become physically intimate without actual actions.” “Bob” is again attempting to manipulate you here, he knows that doing this will get you sexually aroused and ready to accept his sexual advances.

“‘Bob’ sees this as a way to strengthen our bond” No, “Bob” sees this as a way to get you to have sex with him.

“has also appealed to my guilt, saying that love is about sacrifice, and I should be willing to sacrifice this little bit for us both” “Bob” is again emotionally manipulating you trying to guilt you into having sex with him.

I repeat again, “Bob” is a selfish, emotionally manipulative man who will mess with your emotions in order to achieve his goal of having sex with you, he is interested in you for sex, you need to break up with him and find yourself a nice Catholic boy who understands and respects your love of purity.

A man does not do the above to a woman he loves, some do however do it to women they just wants to have sex with.

If you do not end this either he will eventually break up with you or you will lose your purity, and you will regret that for the rest of your life I guarantee you.

And any other guy who tries this on with you should receive from you a slap and never be spoken to again.
 
old_english said:
So my boyfriend and I have been together for a couple of months already, and we’ve been through many different trials and tribulations that have served to deepen our relationship. I’ve told him from the start that we wouldn’t engage in sex before marriage, and he has agreed. However, now we’re encountering a problem with my desire to pursue purity and stay pure until marriage. Let me try to explain clearly the confusion of this ordeal:

My boyfriend, we’ll call him ‘Bob’, has given up his desires for physical intimacies with me, which of course he has struggled greatly with, but more so because he feels it is going against himself- he feels that this embracing of physical intimacy is a way of expressing his complete self and his love for me, and robbing him of this has greatly hurt him. He has proposed that we could at least ‘talk’ about what we would wish to- in other words, physical intimacies, such as to arouse ourselves and in this way, become physically intimate without actual actions. However, I refuse to do this since I feel it would lead me astray from my aim to remain pure.

‘Bob’ sees this as a way to strengthen our bond- but I feel that it could introduce lust into our relationship, however he counter-argues that it wouldn’t be lust because it is a thing that is only shared between us both- shared with the one we love. He feels there is no other way to get closer to each other than this- and of course, has also appealed to my guilt, saying that love is about sacrifice, and I should be willing to sacrifice this little bit for us both. It is true that he has done so much for me- set aside his desires to show me affection through physicality, since it has been the only thing he knows; it has been a true sacrifice for him. And I wish to show him my love and gratitude- only I have troubling trying to find something I could do for him. He says to show him through complying with this- talking dirty with one another, arousing ourselves and forming these images in our mind- convinced that there is no harm in it.

I feel confused as to what we should do- this argument comes up frequently, as he feels there is no harm in it but rather beneficial. Perhaps I am wrong in this? - advice would be greatly appreciated as to how to go about with this issue, how it can be resolved and such. :confused:
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Bob is a total sleaze about this. No you shouldn’t do ANY of these things, your instincts are right. This isn’t normal good-guy behavior.
 
Also if your dad or any older brothers are about you should tell them about “Bob” they will know just what to do.
 
I agree with the above. He clearly doesn’t understand that 99% of physical intimacies belong within the context of marriage. He just wants some instant gratification. There is no compromises when it comes to this area. One little act will just open up the flood gates and make it that much harder to be pure. Talk sense into him or get rid of him.
 
You know, my husband told me once that a priest told him that you should reserve not just physical intimacy with your spouse before your marriage, but also visual and, in this case, auditory stimulation with someone because you are committing adultery. Basically, that person is not your spouse, but could be someone’s someday. God doesn’t operate with our time limits, so this guy “Bob” may not be your future husband. You seem to want to remain chaste for your spouse, would you like if your future husband talked dirty to some other girl? I’m not trying to attack you. This seems to be a variation of those typical “guy” lines to lead you down a path. Just be wary: today it could be a suggestive remark, tomorrow something more.
 
The idea of “not” engaging in sex before marrige has several postive advantages. Engaging in sexual activity before marrige? Only has negative.

The idea is to itellectually and emotionally understand, trust and respect each other in love then marriage. If a relationship can’t stand the test of time, then I suggest you evaluate your options. Certainly you aren’t talking decades. Whats the hurry when a couple mths or year or two, is really not a long time to be celebate.

The idea is not to lust after and temp, and compromise your better thinking. This is internal conflict that needs to constantly be openly and honestly confronted. Not pushed in the closet and closed away to never speak on, avoided due to uncomfortability. These are the conditions you will act off these feelings. Sex doesn’t bring a better understanding of each other. The next level is not sex but better understanding through comminication. What sex does is make you more comfortable with each other. I advise you to be uncomfortable, thats your natural good sense speaking to you. Listen to it, it is “not” wrong.

God Bless, GT
 
Your instincts are 100% correct.

Any deliberate sexual arousal outside of marriage is sinful, no matter how it is achieved.

Bob tells you “love is about sacrifice,” so therefore you should “sacrifice” your immortal soul so he can have some illicit sexual pleasure? And he calls it a “little bit??” Ah, no. And don’t believe that line about loving you with his complete self, or whatever that bunk was.

It’s time for Bob to hit the road. Chalk up the two months to experience and move on.

Betsy
 
Ponyguy said:
Hurry up and marry the guy!

St. Paul advised us that it’s better to marry than burn with desire… or something like that…
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Holy smokes!!

I replied with what was, in retrospect, an obviously inept attempt at a satirically humorous answer… All the rest of the serious follow-up replies make mine appear absolutely callous and degenerate! 😦

Of course, after only being with this guy for a couple of months, this guy is getting too big for his britches and moving too quickly… “Boyfriend Bob” must be a Communist, because he’s certainly Russhin’… :rolleyes:

To offer you a serious reply**:** If you have any serious feelings at all for Bob, you ought to sit down with him (in a public place, so he can’t “get funny” with you) and set him straight. Bring your daddy or big brother along, and have them sit nearby if necessary. Lay your cards on the table, and let him know what sort of stuff you will accept, and what you will reject. Explain YOUR rules of conduct and behavior, and proceed from there. If he balks at this arrangement, it’s time to tell him (don’t kiss him) good-bye, and that the game’s over.

You haven’t mentioned his or your ages, but Bob sounds awfully immature… like maybe High School age… if so, he’s way too young to take on the responsibilities of being a husband and a father. He’s still pretty wet behind his ears… And, a “couple of months” isn’t nearly long enough to have endured “many different trials and tribulations that have served to deepen our relationship” yet. I can’t imagine what those difficulties might have been, this early in your relationship.

Like a fine wine, or good whiskey, proper aging and maturing are absolutely essential in both friendly relationships and marriage.

I wish you well. And I apologize if my earlier reply came across as unsympathetic or frivolous.
 
First of all, I send you my respect and encouragement, and many prayers, for your commitment to purity.

Second, it sounds like your boyfriend really does not respect you. He knows that you aren’t willing to do anything impure, yet he keeps trying to twist your arm. It also doesn’t sound like he really understands relationships and what chastity is about. As you said, he thinks that physical intimacy is the only way to become closer.

If this guy does not really respect you, it is not likely that a marriage would be successful. These are very important red flags. This is when the “true colors” of a person are coming to surface, and you need to pay attention and consider it all. In a relationship or marriage, these issues are the most important. Respect, respect, respect.

Third, being in a relationship with this guy who is chasing after his lusts, is a big occasion of sin for you, even if you are strongly committed to purity. I would hate for you to fall into temptation because of this guy.

Please be wise, prudent, God-fearing, and do the best thing for yourself.
 
I know it will hurt to break up with Bob, but to be honest it sounds as if it needs to be done. You can tell him you are onto his game and he should stop and give him another chance, which you may be inclined to do anyway (especially if it is your first relationship and you wont be thinking straight, trust me) but I would suggest you end it…now. From what you tell us I highly doubt he would have any plan to reform his behavior. Again I don’t know him, but I am a guy and I know guys.

It may not even be that he is necessarily manipulating you (again, you know him, not me) but it sounds to me that the real problem is that he just doesn’t think sex before marriage is wrong and to be honest he seems to think it is essential, and for this reason it has to end.
 
old_english said:
My boyfriend, we’ll call him ‘Bob’, has given up his desires for physical intimacies with me, which of course he has struggled greatly with, but more so because he feels it is going against himself- he feels that this embracing of physical intimacy is a way of expressing his complete self and his love for me, and robbing him of this has greatly hurt him.
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what he is describing is marriage, which is the willed self-giving and embracing total intimacy with another. There is no other context where the sexual act is self-giving and intimate. In any other context the motive becomes “my pain my pleasure” to which he refers in the same sentence, and these concepts are mutually exclusive. Either you give yourself totally in marriage and dedicate yourself to the other’s good, or you focus on your own pleasure, an attitude destructive of marital intimacy. Time to have “the talk.” Either marry or move on.
 
Thank you everybody for your responses- all of them were indeed helpful. 🙂

To clear a few things up, yes, my boyfriend and I are quite young- we’re going to be seniors in high school this year. I definitely know that we both have quite a long way to go to fully mature to be ready to become spouses- whether to each other or other people, we don’t know. However, we both did decide from the very beginning to date with the view point of looking for a future spouse- and whether we might be too young at this age to really even be thinking of that, it has always been my main rule of dating, to look for a guy who could be my potential spouse.

I have sat down and talked with him about this issue, and I believe myself to have been very firm and clear about my refusal to do this. He has agreed to comply with this- truthfully, not grudgingly or regrettably. He gave lots of thinking to it- a day, really- but decided that if he really wants to be with me, he wouldn’t push me or bring it up, since I am for sure keeping my purity- and he now hopes to help strengthen it. Of course, I still will be staying wary and at guard for any forms of manipulation- he never was like that before with me until this point- which, I noticed, was the week I was given the penance of praying the rosary each night to strengthen my path to purity.

So far, we have been quite joyful with each other after this issue was talked about, and I pray that our relationship can grow to glorify God’s love for us both. I leave it in God’s hands to guide me and help me figure out whether this relationship can be fruitful, and if anything, to at least be an instrument of His love to my boyfriend- he is a Catholic, but a frightfully cafeteria Catholic. If I see, however, that the issue worsens, then I will have to break up with him- I know that much.

I know this has been like a sudden turn of events- almost seeming to good to be true- and that is why I shall definitely be keeping a stronger eye out, and keep praying to further lead this relationship down God’s path.
 
Good for you, thanks for letting us know how it turned out I was worried about you now I feel better.
 
Thank you for your concern 🙂 both me and ‘Bob’ are quite well
 
old_english said:
he never was like that before with me until this point- which, I noticed, was the week I was given the penance of praying the rosary each night to strengthen my path to purity.
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Seems like your prayers were answered. This whole thing has definitely strengthened your resolve in this area, from the sound of it.
 
I am sorry but things are better now? I don’t buy it.

I think Bob realises he pushed to far so he is toning it down for a while. But soon enough his true colours will come up again. At first he was understand about not having sex and then he wanted to talk dirty ??? I think this is the calm before the next storm.

Why do I think like this? Because YOU are the one praying the rosary. Don’t get me wrong, I think it is a good idea. But it will not change Bob. Once Bob starts praying the rosary, then I will believe he is sincere in respecting you

CM
 
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