Quarrelsome Wives

[Convert3]

Tony,
I’ll be keeping you and your wife in my prayers. I understand the difficulty of the situation and how it can erode a marriage over time. Keep your focus on Christ as the center of your marriage. Remember why you married in the first place. Marriage is hard work and worth every tear, every smile overcomes any faults. Never put yourself first. God Bless!

 

[tony22279]

Thank you. We’ll make it through this phase and anything else, God willing. Please pray for my son!

 

[DisorientingSneeze]

From what I have observed, this thread didn’t go the way you hoped it might, but you were still able to summarize and take from the points you found helpful.

In the future, a thread like this might have yielded the specific information you were looking for (societal effects and personal stories) if you had only asked for that and not mentioned your situation at all. Human nature beckoned that we pay attention to your story after you told some of it.

Also the thread title could have been more neutral like " Seeking examples of the impact of marital bickering on the family"

God Bless.

 

[tony22279]

True. I guess I didn’t really have a “hope” for it, but it turned more into an attempt to examine (and at times attack) me rather than the issue I was trying to bring up. As far as the title, I tried to acknowledge that several times, but with it being a literal Biblical reference, I thought that would be an easier obstacle to overcome. God bless you too.

 

[Lea101]

I would like to see what types of responses this topic generates. In trying to express to my wife how some of her behaviors are impacting our home and son, I cannot find many perspectives online that address the impacts of a quarrelsome wife on her home.

You don’t really need to talk about other families to address how your wife is hurting you. So without much context, it really just seems like a gossip session which can throw people (myself included) off.

Simply asking others if there is someone out there who perhaps grew up in a quarrelsome home or who lost their marriage to this particular behavior is completely appropriate. It provides insight for a loving husband to both assess his own motivations to address the situation with his wife AND a greater context to speak from

I get this is your justification, but what do you want to learn about? What exactly will you do with this information? This wasn’t addressed. We can give you what you want if you’re specific.

You do get that asking about the bad stuff that someone caused can be a little gossipy without much context. It gets even confusing and odd when you add in that you’re experiencing this at home.

That’s why you’ve been getting advice instead of someone’s experience with a ‘quarrelsome wife’. Because to us it makes more sense for you to do these things instead of collecting information about bad marriages. Like you said, it comes from a good place.

If it helps I’ve seen plenty of husbands online talking about their wives. They use words like fighting and nagging instead of quarreling. I think it’s pretty insightful although they tend to always break up and remarry. But yeah, you do see its effect there.

 

[Lea101]

In the future, a thread like this might have yielded the specific information you were looking for (societal effects and personal stories) if you had only asked for that and not mentioned your situation at all. Human nature beckoned that we pay attention to your story after you told some of it.

Also the thread title could have been more neutral like " Seeking examples of the impact of marital bickering on the family"

Yup, this is pretty much it.

 

[Trishie]

We’ve had a number of summaries regarding what this thread is about.

After all we’ve been through, I’ve distilled its essence to this.

It’s about a husband and father who was looking for hope in other people ‘s experiences.
He didn’t express that as clearly as he might, but it was his first attempt at forum complexities

If we could offer hope that our children have risen above scarring despite parental arguments or a parent’s anger, he could feel encouraged that his son might be unscathed.

He was looking for hope,
but I don’t think he found very much.
And aside some brighter moments, the thread went terribly wrong

 

[tony22279]

Thank you. Pretty close. Wasn’t really looking for anything in particular to be honest. Not necessarily hope, gossiping, really anything at all. When I find myself facing challenges, I’ve learned that I should look to other perspectives and especially others experiences with things before forming opinions. As Trishie points out, this thread took a HUGE turn that I didn’t expect (and understandably so at first) but all efforts to redirect it were met with various types of resistance. Most of you tried to help. Most ignored anything I had to say unless it confirmed a preconceived negative stereotype or assumption based on my choice for a title to the thread. Ultimately from the few posters that did respond with their own thoughts aside from things I have already considered (and do in daily life), I did actually gain quite a bit, so thank you.

In terms of what I put on here, I think I addressed every question or accusation (such as saying I’m seeking gossip) the forum has posed, you just have to actually read what I wrote. Take it or leave it, but when you get a newcomer in the future, don’t assume the worst. A few of you were extremely helpful and kind, but most were very unwelcoming and providing very biased and ill-informed opinions (despite your attempts to truly help).

I sincerely wish you all the best, hopefully each of you can walk away from our interaction here with something positive as well.

 

[Xantippe]

Of these quotes, the most significant to me is: A quarrelsome wife is like a constant dripping on a rainy day, restraining her is like restraining the wind or grasping oil with the hand.

Bad news, I’m afraid.

Yeah. The point of that particular verse is that you’re not going to fix her and it’s a waste of time trying.

But interestingly, the exact next verse is Proverbs 27:17, “As iron sharpens iron,
so one person sharpens another,” which is way more hopeful with regard to personal improvement, and also suggests that spouses can both improve each other.

 

[Xantippe]

we cannot give you any advice or (name removed by moderator)ut. you have consulted mental health professionals in the past, as you state, and engaged in counselling. You need to do so again

I think it’s an important fact about mental health stuff that it can change (either improve or deteriorate over time), so the fact that the OP and wife have previously seen somebody doesn’t mean that the current situation is identical to their last visit. Also, it may be necessary to seek out a higher level of care–whoever they were seeing previously may not be equipped for their particular issues.

 

[Zzyzx_Road]

Google ‘"quarrelsome wife proverbs’ has many results, and the first is Proverbs 27 “Quarrelsome Wife” (Kaylene Oder) by a Christian women who assembled all five quotes from Proverbs and discusses them.

That is a really good find, thank you. I often felt like that guy. The dripping water proverb was the one that hit too close to home for me, hence of course I had to respond in this thread to that reference to water torture.

I had fallen away from the Church during the time I was with my prospective fiance so I did not seek out Christian, let alone Catholic solutions. That said, here were a couple of useful books that found their way to my nightstand:

How to Deal With Emotionally Explosive People.
Stop Walking on Eggshells: Taking Your Life Back When Someone You Care About Has Borderline Personality Disorder.

I cannot say she had BPD for she refused to consider counseling, let alone allow herself to be diagnosed with something, but I will say she exhibited a fair number of symptoms along those lines, that’s as far as I can go with that.

I do know the effect she had on her family; she was legendary among them for her nature. The family had hopes that I might have a calming effect on her. In the beginning sure, there was much I liked about her, but as time went on it did not progress so well. I’ll leave it at that, no more details. Only that I always pray for children who find themselves with one or both parents who are like that and won’t change.

 

[DisorientingSneeze]

A few of you were extremely helpful and kind, but most were very unwelcoming and providing very biased and ill-informed opinions (despite your attempts to truly help).

Most?

Welcome to C.A.F.!
(Please Note: This uploaded content is no longer available.)
There are salty hashbrowns in the welcome basket. We wanted it to be classy.

 

[Xantippe]

with one or both parents who are like that and won’t change.

Isn’t it fairly likely that they can’t change?

 

[Zzyzx_Road]

Isn’t it fairly likely that they can’t change?

A distinction without a difference: “won’t” or “can’t” often amount to the same thing from the other person’s point of view.

 

[Xantippe]

A distinction without a difference: “won’t” or “can’t” often amount to the same thing from the other person’s point of view.

But it makes a lot of difference from the point of view of somebody who believes that they are duty-bound to radically improve their spouse, as in previous discussion upthread.

That is a point of view that one encounters regularly on CAF–the wife as fixer upper project.

I’m sure you agree that it’s not a good idea.

 

[Zzyzx_Road]

But it makes a lot of difference from the point of view of somebody who believes that they are duty-bound to radically improve their spouse, as in previous discussion upthread.

That is a point of view that one encounters regularly on CAF–the wife as fixer upper project.

I’m sure you agree that it’s not a good idea.

Not a good idea. Better to vet for this in the first place. So I look at conflicts as opportunities to experience her conflict resolution modes. Nobody is perfect, but she should have already improved herself in this respect long before I met her, I can’t do that for her.

 

[Graceful_Lamb]

Can you give an example of what you mean by “quarrelsome wife”? I apologize if this has already been asked as I haven’t read through all of the responses yet.

 

[PetraG]

On the matter of cause, after almost 30 years of marriage I don’t like to look at conflicts it that way…that is, “whose fault is it?” It is worth determining cause not to put the onus on one spouse or the other to fix it but to identify what could make the issue better and what would make it worse. You’re on the same team, after all. Where one is weak, the other helps to compensate and vice versa.

You have the valid concern that you and your wife have some communication habits that could be having a negative impact on the children. More to the point, I don’t know anybody who habitually complains who feels good about it. In other words, you could say to your wife, “I realize that you have to be able to come to me with complaints, but I feel our way of handling this is not working in terms of what the children are experiencing. Do you think we could find a way we could tell each other what is bothering us, what is and isn’t working and so on that both lets us both feel we’re being listened to but gives the children and even the two of us more of a feeling of harmony?”

Yes, I think reading the Gottman books before you talk to her about this could give you lots of examples of how different ways of voicing your concerns and listening to hers will predictably have different chances of reaching a consensus that both you and your wife feel happier about than your cuurent way of communicating.

My husband, for instance, let me know early on that he was not going to be a party to “gunny sacking.” That is his term for stacking up a list of grievances and dumping them all out at once. We also do not go for meeting a grievance with an equal and opposite counter-grievance, which is usually just defensivenes. Considering one area of grievance at a time and bring them up as they come has been our rule. It has worked quite well for us, because he wasn’t telling me “don’t complain.” He was telling me the way to complain that was fair and constructive and the way that was unfair and more likely to lead to defensiveness than joint problem-solving.