Question about a sexual intimacy problem

[TheRealJuliane]

I am the one that starts to get antsy when it has been more than a couple of days, not necessarily due to my own level of desire, but because I know how important that physical connection is to my husband and our marriage.
I like the idea of the quickie, but in practice it made me feel dirty and used. So we don’t do that in our marriage right now, but that is something that for me is a goal to work toward. Especially since women are capable of multiple climaxes in the same lovemaking experience, whereas men are usually one-and-done. It seems fair to me to offer my husband that option if he is interested but I don’t feel great physically or emotionally. However, I cannot do that due to my personal background (details very personal and not relevant here).
If I am physically capable of engaging in intercourse (let’s face it, if I am nursing all night or swollen and sore with pregnancy, capability may not always be assumed) then I let my husband try. He is so sweet. He says things like “Do you want me to make love to you?” or “Can I make you feel good?” That is his way of saying he is interested but doesn’t want to pressure me. The way he says it, or the look in his eyes, or even the caress that accompanies the question; all of these things put me in a safe place emotionally. I feel safe being vulnerable, I feel prepared to surrender and receive, I even feel excited.
**But years ago, before we converted to Catholicism, he was petulant and demanding. He withheld affection, sometimes on purpose and sometimes unconsciously. He would get angry inside and become passive-aggressive. And this would begin within 48 hours of me “giving it to him”! It was horrible. I had to perform for him, and yet I had to show how much I liked it, too, or he would get really angry at me. I don’t think husbands always realize that they are emotionally (and physically) abusing their wives with this behavior. My husband certainly thought that he was treating me well. ** It wasn’t until he began studying things written by theologians about BJPII’s Theology of the Body, that he realized his focus was all on taking from me what he thought I owed him, rather than giving to me what he owed me. It was a lightbulb moment. His ignorance (and that is all it was, just ignorance, not malice) was revealed and he took serious and drastic steps to fix things between us. He stopped demanding, or even asking anything of me. Instead he started offering himself and finding more and more ways to give to me physically, which always somehow ended up leading to a fun bedtime for both of us. The results, for us, were practically instantaneous, like night and day. He learned to receive through giving, and I learned to give by receiving.
OP, really look into your thoughts, your motivations, your behaviors. See if perhaps a similar dynamic is accidentally playing out without your awareness. With my husband, he told me that he was dropping any sense of entitlement. He had been extracting his own pleasure with the result of deep pain for me for too long. He said it was time to go the other way for a while, to restore the balance. He still offered, facing those possible no’s, but he did it with an eye toward pleasing me and restrained his own desire. He did everything he could to bridle his desire, and use it as motivation to love me. And it worked.
I hope I haven’t been offensive. I want to help, and I thought maybe sharing my experience could be eye-opening and encouraging.

Wow. That’s just phenomenal. What a turnaround! The part I highlighted is very familiar to me…My husband would hint that it had been “weeks” since we had had sex, when it had been only days. That made me feel guilty, resentful, and pressured, and as if there would never be a time when he would be satisfied. So I felt as though even trying to meet his sexual needs would only result in even MORE demands…It freaked me out, I don’t mind telling you. The fact that he could be halfway dead and still want sex, I totally don’t get. It doesn’t matter to him what is going on around him or anything - I guess men can just block everything out and feel only their desire. I can’t do that. Everything else just won’t leave my mind long enough for me to dredge up any desire. And he is never tired enough not to have sex. For me, the last thing at night is the WORST time for me to get excited.

I wish my husband would be interested in the concept of holy sex. Your husband gets it. That it is given by GOD for a purpose and that purpose is not just for grins and giggles and orgasms, but to unite us in such a unique and powerful bond, not to be broken on this earth. I pray for his reversion, only with his eternal soul in mind, and I’ll keep praying for that, but I have to say, a nice side benefit to that would hopefully shift his perspective about sexual intimacy.

 

[nodito]

This might sound lame, but… could you ask your wife if you two could schedule sex for the next month? Like, pick four days, maybe Saturday one week, Tuesday one week, Friday another. Have her write them on the calendar so she knows you’ll be expecting it then and she can mentally prepare herself ahead of time. Tell her it’s important to you that you do it on those days and that she makes an effort to demonstrate her love for you in this way. Then, you can initiate without fear of rejection, and she might enjoy herself.

 

[nova147]

That it is. Sometimes I don’t know what romance is. Truly I don’t. Oh I understand courting just fine. And whenever we can get away, I come up with good stuff. This past anniversary I surprised her by my sister coming over to watch the kids while I took her on a hike to a mountain she loves, had lunch up there, then took her to a winery, a nice dinner in a charming small town and a stay at a B&B. I know my stuff there!

It’s the day to day romantic stuff that doesn’t click. I always thought pitching in with housework was a thing guys can do to show effort. But my wife is not very good, honestly, with keeping a neat house. So that’s more like I’m keeping stress away instead of doing something nice. I think maybe stepping up and cooking sometimes might work. And I know for SURE that building or even putting things together is something she considers romantic or at least a turn-on. Something, you know, a man should do for his wife because he’s the man. I am, however, horrible at handyman work. Though when this blind squirrel finds a nut when it comes to that stuff, the results are good indeed.

Ask her. And tell her you want her to think about it and tell you later. (I’m awful thinking on my feet.)

I’m also horrible at keeping a neat house. Drives my husband nuts because he’s a neat freak. And it really does keep stress away - which in itself IS nice!

Would she like it if you hired someone to do stuff around the house? For me, it’s getting the stuff done that’s “romantic”, not DH doing it. I think it’s another stress thing.

It’s awesome that you are trying so hard!

 

[nova147]

The “warming up” earlier is really good for me too. It’s one reason why flirting throughout the day is nice. DH will send me sweet (ok, sometimes not so sweet ) text messages. If it’s really not a good time for whatever reason, I can let him know (gently) as early as I possible, which helps. (Who likes to think about it all day only to not get it at night?!) And if it is a good time, even if I don’t want the whole deal, gets me in the right head space. Sex is almost all physical for men. I find it to be at least 75% mental.

 

[The_Bucket]

Sex is almost all physical for men.

In terms of being ready, I’d agree. It’s certainly emotional when I’m in the moment or wanting to do something for my wife. But if you mean being prepared and what not… yeah. You’re absolutely right. There have been times where my wife has woken me up at like 2 am. Not many times, but mostly during hormonal times. You know what times. Or when she’s in second trimester. That can be fun.

The first couple of times she apologized for waking me and whatnot. I had to say it flat out: “Babe. Seriously. I’m a relatively young guy. No I would not rather sleep. I’ll sleep when I’m dead. Wake me up whenever you want.”

If women were that simple, we’d probably have five kids in five years and not two.

 

[TheRealJuliane]

In terms of being ready, I’d agree. It’s certainly emotional when I’m in the moment or wanting to do something for my wife. But if you mean being prepared and what not… yeah. You’re absolutely right. There have been times where my wife has woken me up at like 2 am. Not many times, but mostly during hormonal times. You know what times. Or when she’s in second trimester. That can be fun.

The first couple of times she apologized for waking me and whatnot. I had to say it flat out: “Babe. Seriously. I’m a relatively young guy. No I would not rather sleep. I’ll sleep when I’m dead. Wake me up whenever you want.”

If women were that simple, we’d probably have five kids in five years and not two.

:yup:

I know my hubby would be like this if I ever woke him up to…cuddle :extrahappy:

I like to sleep when I’m asleep. I don’t wake up in the middle of the night for sex.

 

[The_Bucket]

Well then may I suggest it? Go to bed early. Then set an alarm for like 2am. Seriously. I suggest all people do this once in a blue moon, though if you’re setting yourself up for this to be an expectation for a common situation, that’s a problem.

Why do I suggest it? Aside from the nice surprise factor? It’s because we’re actually made for it!

en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Segmented_sleep

life.nationalpost.com/2012/07/16/rest-assured-theres-nothing-wrong-with-segmented-sleep/

So there you go. We’re actually naturally made to wake up in the middle of the night for reflection and sex. It requires going to bed a lot earlier than what most people consider normal, but maybe it’s worth it once in awhile.

 

[mommamaree]

Well then may I suggest it? Go to bed early. Then set an alarm for like 2am. Seriously. I suggest all people do this once in a blue moon, though if you’re setting yourself up for this to be an expectation for a common situation, that’s a problem.

Why do I suggest it? Aside from the nice surprise factor? It’s because we’re actually made for it!

en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Segmented_sleep

life.nationalpost.com/2012/07/16/rest-assured-theres-nothing-wrong-with-segmented-sleep/

So there you go. We’re actually naturally made to wake up in the middle of the night for reflection and sex. It requires going to bed a lot earlier than what most people consider normal, but maybe it’s worth it once in awhile.

I am not going to look at the links, but only because I already know that you are absolutely correct.
Middle of the night surprises can be good because a couple of hours of sleep can be refreshing enough to overcome the exhaustion enough to have some fun. And that pleasure and closeness shared with each other can be so energizing that it more than makes up for any loss of sleep.

This could be a fun experiment for couples who are struggling with exhaustion and stress as being the factors limiting the frequency of their intimate times. Also, for nursing mothers who have night waking with nurslings, a quiet middle-of-the-night intimate encounter with hubbie, after the baby is tucked back in bed, can be very sweet and helpful for falling back asleep.

 

[TheRealJuliane]

Well then may I suggest it? Go to bed early. Then set an alarm for like 2am. Seriously. I suggest all people do this once in a blue moon, though if you’re setting yourself up for this to be an expectation for a common situation, that’s a problem.

Why do I suggest it? Aside from the nice surprise factor? It’s because we’re actually made for it!

en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Segmented_sleep

life.nationalpost.com/2012/07/16/rest-assured-theres-nothing-wrong-with-segmented-sleep/

So there you go. We’re actually naturally made to wake up in the middle of the night for reflection and sex. It requires going to bed a lot earlier than what most people consider normal, but maybe it’s worth it once in awhile.

If I wake up in the night, I end up staying up and being shattered the next day. No thanks! I just said, I like to sleep during the night. I used to cooperate in the early morning, but I never enjoyed it and he seemed to want me to enjoy it, KWIM? We were working at cross-purposes - the more he tried, the less I enjoyed it. I just felt gross and all I wanted was my coffee.

I know, I know, it’s not easy for you guys when you are ready to go any time, and we are not.

 

[fpt]

Simple questions, before the wedding:

Were you honest with your future spouse about this topic? Have you said to your beloved your sexual needs, your sexual desires, your sexual hopes and your sexual expectations? A great discussion on the libido of each one and the sexual harmony in the future marriage?

In my opinion, each one should explain to the other everything about sexual expectations of the marital act.

 

[The_Bucket]

People are different and are in different patterns and we’re all different ages too. Right now my wife goes to bed at like, 9pm to wake up at 3:30 am so she can do early morning workouts. When our newest baby comes in late spring/early summer, that’ll change. And I certainly do get up in the middle of the night to help out even if the feeding is her deal what with the breasts and all.

I think mommamaree has some sound advice for people willing to try it. TRJ, you’ve tried other things and they were no good. But hey, you tried! That’s good.

I’m easy to wake up and easy to go back to sleep. That’s why I don’t try the waking up thing. That’s on her. She has a tough time going to sleep. But I mean if she’s awake and wired and/or hormonal… I mean she tries all avenues to get some rest. And I’m totally good with that. For reals.

 

[Mary_Gail_36]

I’m not sure how accurate one can be, though in discussing libido and frequency prior to marriage.

These things fluctuate.

Prior to marriage one might feel one way, and post marriage realize that the expectation was not realistic.

 

[mommamaree]

Simple questions, before the wedding:

Were you honest with your future spouse about this topic? Have you said to your beloved your sexual needs, your sexual desires, your sexual hopes and your sexual expectations? A great discussion on the libido of each one and the sexual harmony in the future marriage?

In my opinion, each one should explain to the other everything about sexual expectations of the marital act.

But how would a chaste engaged couple know what questions to ask, let alone what answers to give? If they were doing their best to remain chaste and wait until after their wedding before engaging in sexual intimacy, they would have no way of knowing what to expect, what their needs will be, what their hopes are…
The best they could do is to discuss attitudes and conditioning with which they were raised by their parents and within their culture, and educate themselves on holy marital sexuality as a subject, but issues particular to them as individuals aren’t likely to become apparent until after they say “I do”.

 

[fpt]

Honestly, before the wedding, each one is almost able to evaluate its own sex drive. Of course, it is not an exact science, but a good evaluation is probable and possible: a reasonnable understanding of its average libido is not impossible.

 

[TheRealJuliane]

Simple questions, before the wedding:

Were you honest with your future spouse about this topic? Have you said to your beloved your sexual needs, your sexual desires, your sexual hopes and your sexual expectations? A great discussion on the libido of each one and the sexual harmony in the future marriage?

In my opinion, each one should explain to the other everything about sexual expectations of the marital act.

Yah…well…Things change over time. You can be in one phase in your 20’s, another in your 30’s, a new one in your 40’s, etc. etc. etc. In fact, life itself is not static, why would our sexual relationship stay in a fixed orbit???

Hubby and I have been married 23 years and have known each for for over 30 years, and we STILL can’t easily talk about sex.

Not only that, how are 2 virgins supposed to know what kind of libido they have/will have???

 

[mommamaree]

Honestly, before the wedding, each one is almost able to evaluate its own sex drive. Of course, it is not an exact science, but a good evaluation is probable and possible: a reasonnable understanding of its average libido is not impossible.

Again, I disagree. It has been considered common wisdom that libido is activated once a person engages in sexual intercourse. Prior to their “first time” experience, they will experience desire and lust, but their natural libido will not be at its “up and running” level that it will be once they begin a sexual relationship.
My husband recently remarked that there is an internal shift where, after a young man’s first sexual experience with a woman, his libido kicks it into high gear, and he begins to crave that intimacy more fiercely than he could ever have imagined prior to his first sexual experience. My husband is a trustworthy and honest man, who has never been known to exaggerate or overstate anything, so I completely trust his impressions. Plus, this information jives with everything I have been told about how sexual relationships “cement” a couple together.

 

[fpt]

But how would a chaste engaged couple know what questions to ask, let alone what answers to give? If they were doing their best to remain chaste and wait until after their wedding before engaging in sexual intimacy, they would have no way of knowing what to expect, what their needs will be, what their hopes are…
The best they could do is to discuss attitudes and conditioning with which they were raised by their parents and within their culture, and educate themselves on holy marital sexuality as a subject, but issues particular to them as individuals aren’t likely to become apparent until after they say “I do”.

A chaste engaged couple does not have to be naive about the nature of marriage: a sexed and sexual contract.

If him and her are “innocent”, “naive” or full “shame” about this topic, in my opinion, it is very sad and it is imprudent. The naivety is not the virginity.

 

[Mary_Gail_36]

Yah…well…Things change over time. You can be in one phase in your 20’s, another in your 30’s, a new one in your 40’s, etc. etc. etc. In fact, life itself is not static, why would our sexual relationship stay in a fixed orbit???

Hubby and I have been married 23 years and have known each for for over 30 years, and we STILL can’t easily talk about sex.

Not only that, how are 2 virgins supposed to know what kind of libido they have/will have???

And there is such a fluctuation in libido over the course of the years. My Dad died suddenly only about 6 months after we were married. That was a major stressor that affected my libido.

 

[TheRealJuliane]

Surprised it took this long for fpt to come onto a thread about sex…

sigh…

 

[mommamaree]

A chaste engaged couple does not have to be naive about the nature of marriage: a sexed and sexual contract.

If him and her are “innocent”, “naive” or full “shame” about this topic, in my opinion, it is very sad and it is imprudent. The naivety is not the virginity.

I am not talking about naivete. Neither is TRJ.

Read what we said again. A virgin is not going to know what their libido will be like until after they consummate their marriage. The libido is activated by their first sexual encounters with their spouse. Prior to that, they will feel the occasional (or even frequent) stirrings of desire or lust, but that is not the same thing that a man or woman feels after they begin a sexual relationship. This has absolutely nothing to do with shame. But, it is neither sad nor imprudent for engaged virgins to guard their innocence. Innocence is a good thing, and should be treasured.
The fact is, the couple simply cannot possibly know what an experience is like before they experience it for themselves, and they cannot know what their libido is like until they experience libido. Libido is NOT the same as the pre-sexual relationship stirrings of sexual feelings.