Question about a sexual intimacy problem

[fpt]

Surprised it took this long for fpt to come onto a thread about sex…

sigh…

Are you teasing me!!! Why!!! Am I a weird frenchy!!!

 

[ValPal]

The OP didn’t state how many years they were married or their ages, which can be very important factors. Libido changes with age and hormone levels. Woman appear to have diminished libido as they approach menopause and thereafter (based on personal conversations with woman that have approached menopause).

One of the solutions to the problem, as someone noted, is to set up some type of schedule. Naturally it won’t always happen as planned, but if there is some expectation the couple can prepare for such moments. My wife and I have a basic schedule, mainly do our busy schedules and more importantly, having kids. It works out very well.

 

[TheRealJuliane]

Are you teasing me!!! Why!!! Am I a weird frenchy!!!

No, but you always come onto only threads about sexuality, and you have some very different ideas of these topics.

 

[The_Bucket]

Again, I disagree. It has been considered common wisdom that libido is activated once a person engages in sexual intercourse. Prior to their “first time” experience, they will experience desire and lust, but their natural libido will not be at its “up and running” level that it will be once they begin a sexual relationship.
My husband recently remarked that there is an internal shift where, after a young man’s first sexual experience with a woman, his libido kicks it into high gear, and he begins to crave that intimacy more fiercely than he could ever have imagined prior to his first sexual experience. My husband is a trustworthy and honest man, who has never been known to exaggerate or overstate anything, so I completely trust his impressions. Plus, this information jives with everything I have been told about how sexual relationships “cement” a couple together.

I’d agree with that. I’d also agree with TRJ that things change. People change. People age. People get sick. People also sometimes change to having higher drives. While it’s all well and good to get on the same page as far as the theory goes before you’re married, life events will have an effect on the execution.

Both my wife and I were virgins before our wedding day but you better believe we knew where we were as far as our libidos go and our attraction for one another. We knew that when it was “ON” it was ON. But it comes in ebbs and flows for her. During her infertile periods, sometimes she’s “meh.” During the fertile times… sometimes I can’t be in the same room if we’re TTA. During the first trimester of pregnancy she’s usually not feeling well. In the second trimester, she’s feeling much better and, well, friskier. I kind of figured this just because I had to do so much research on NFP before our wedding.

Communication is so incredibly important. Yeah it can be awkward. But it’s really important so one spouse isn’t left feeling rejected and becomes passive aggressive or just disconnects altogether.

 

[mommamaree]

Are you teasing me!!! Why!!! Am I a weird frenchy!!!

Your question strikes me as very funny, and I cannot help but recall a skit in “Monty Python and the Quest for the Holy Grail”.

The “Frenchmen” (who are actually British actors impersonating Frenchmen, using a ridiculously overdone imitation of a French accent) say:
“Of course I am French! Why do you think I have this OUTRAGEOUS accent?!!!”



My husband works for a French company, btw, and he does have lots of funny stories, but I am sure that you “frenchies”, as you refer to yourself and your compatriots, have plenty of stories about us “dumb Americans”.

 

[Marie1234]

My advice to your wife, as a wife myself, is this: A woman can have a whole range of responses to making love, from initiating a passionate encounter herself, to quietly welcoming her husband quite passively, to meet his need and enjoyment. Unless I feel unwell I do not turn my husband away, and though I may be almost passively engaged with him, I still greatly enjoy his enjoyment. So, sometimes he has a passionate wife, and sometimes a passive wife, but we almost always make love when he wants to. It is not necessary for a woman to climax (which can be exhausting if she is already tired), so if the husband is happy to have a variety of responses from his wife, loving is possible more often than if he wants red hot passion every time. After all, it is about love and bonding.

This is a wonderful response. Talk to your wife about this. People have different sex drives, but sex is about more than climaxing. She should realize that you may have more needs than she does and have sex with you out of love for you, even if she isn’t exactly in the mood.

For a woman with a low sex-drive to just have sex when she feels like it sounds a bit selfish to me. It also may cause the sexually frustrated man to fall into sin. It’s a serious matter that you need to discuss openly and honestly with your wife.

God Bless!

 

[The_Bucket]

Surprised it took this long for fpt to come onto a thread about sex…

sigh…

Pretty sure he’s just here to make sure no one goes all Ron Conte on anyone else. No worries mate, we’re good here.

 

[Marie1234]

Honestly, before the wedding, each one is almost able to evaluate its own sex drive. Of course, it is not an exact science, but a good evaluation is probable and possible: a reasonnable understanding of its average libido is not impossible.

Yup, I agree. People need to discuss this before marriage. It’s totally doable, even for chaste people.

Keep discussing it throughout your marriage, because your sex-drive can vary over time. That way, each person will know where the other is at.

Communication! That’s what needs to happen, openly and frequently.

 

[Lucky7]

Yah…well…Things change over time. You can be in one phase in your 20’s, another in your 30’s, a new one in your 40’s, etc. etc. etc. In fact, life itself is not static, why would our sexual relationship stay in a fixed orbit???

Hubby and I have been married 23 years and have known each for for over 30 years, and we STILL can’t easily talk about sex.

Not only that, how are 2 virgins supposed to know what kind of libido they have/will have???

Exactly.

 

[silicasandra]

Yup, I agree. People need to discuss this before marriage. It’s totally doable, even for chaste people.

Or even to address, “What do you think we should do if a situation arises that one of us is interested in having sex but the other person isn’t?” Because there may be times that is one spouse; other times the other. Would it be appropriate to push - e.g. “Pretty please with ice cream on top?” or would that be considered disrespectful?

Obviously even when discussing these topics engaged couples can’t even begin to cover every situation that might come up, but acknowledging that it could be an issue, and having an understanding of what each spouse thinks is an appropriate way to handle it could help.

 

[Marie1234]

Hubby and I have been married 23 years and have known each for for over 30 years, and we STILL can’t easily talk about sex.

Really?
That’s kind of surprising. Is that common for people?

 

[Marie1234]

Or even to address, “What do you think we should do if a situation arises that one of us is interested in having sex but the other person isn’t?” Because there may be times that is one spouse; other times the other. Would it be appropriate to push - e.g. “Pretty please with ice cream on top?” or would that be considered disrespectful?

Obviously even when discussing these topics engaged couples can’t even begin to cover every situation that might come up, but acknowledging that it could be an issue, and having an understanding of what each spouse thinks is an appropriate way to handle it could help.

Great post

 

[fpt]

Yup, I agree. People need to discuss this before marriage. It’s totally doable, even for chaste people.

Keep discussing it throughout your marriage, because your sex-drive can vary over time. That way, each person will know where the other is at.

Communication! That’s what needs to happen, openly and frequently.

Communication is the key.
Each day’s a new day.

The conjugal discussion about sexual harmony, about sexual hopes, about sexual expectations, about sexual needs, about sexual fears, about sexual sins, about all sexual issues… is important, is useful, is charitable, is a sign of conjugal trust.

 

[Lucky7]

Or even to address, “What do you think we should do if a situation arises that one of us is interested in having sex but the other person isn’t?” Because there may be times that is one spouse; other times the other. Would it be appropriate to push - e.g. “Pretty please with ice cream on top?” or would that be considered disrespectful?

Obviously even when discussing these topics engaged couples can’t even begin to cover every situation that might come up, but acknowledging that it could be an issue, and having an understanding of what each spouse thinks is an appropriate way to handle it could help.

Understood. However, in reality, just like with other discussions very often we don’t have a clue what we think…we only think we know what we think…until we’re actually in the situation.

 

[Marie1234]

Understood. However, in reality, just like with other discussions very often we don’t have a clue what we think…we only think we know what we think…until we’re actually in the situation.

Then discuss it when the situation arises.

 

[mommamaree]

Pretty sure he’s just here to make sure no one goes all Ron Conte on anyone else. No worries mate, we’re good here.

Yes, I have noticed how fiercely fpt battles against Ron Conte here. Ron Conte comes into a thread, drops a grenade and skedaddles. And fpt systematically dismantles Conte’s argument, point by point, and even invites Conte to dialogue and discuss, an invitation which is, unfortunately, always ignored.

I am always very intrigued by threads on the differences in sex drive between husband and wife, partially because of how it has played out in my own marriage relationship, but also because, sexual intimacy seems, IMHO, to be the moment where two spouses share the most vulnerable, the most intimate, the most loving core of who they are. As such, sexual intimacy, in principle, should be a vital part of the marriage relationship, and is the component which sets it apart from all other relationships. In the Bible, it is referring to as “knowing” and I think that word is very descriptive and accurate. To neglect that part of the relationship, in my opinion, is neglecting the very thing that gives a marriage its unique and special qualities. A “one-flesh union” is a physical description of the nature of the marriage relationship.
I think a husband and wife, whatever their expectations were prior to their wedding, should place a very high priority on sharing that aspect of their being with each other. Each relationship is different, of course, but spouses actually own each others’ bodies. A husband should be concerned with his wife’s needs and a wife should be concerned about her husband’s needs. Neither of them should feel rejected, especially with respect to the core of their being, that aspect of themselves which they vowed to share only with each other, and which is so intimate and personal. This is why I persisted in giving even when my husband behaved petulantly and I dealt with health/physical problems related to having too frequent relations. No matter how upset with him I got for his childish attitude, the thought of my husband, whom I chose and whom I love, being rejected and lonely and desolate inside was enough to cut my heart deeply and make me reach out to him.
We did make many mistakes over our 15 years of marriage, but the point is that we kept trying, and we still keep trying. Couples should continue to learn how to be better lovers and how to care for the others’ needs as tenderly as they would tend to their own needs. It still cuts my heart to read stories here about a husband or a wife who is being neglected sexually. Whatever stress we are experiencing in our daily life, a husband and wife are supposed to be united. Kind of an “Us against the World” mentality. Sexual intimacy unites a husband and wife physically, emotionally and spiritually. Prayer is vital, too, and communication, but neither of these can replace the marital embrace.
That is my more than :twocents:

 

[Lucky7]

Then discuss it when the situation arises.

Oh sure. That has to happen.

 

[silicasandra]

Understood. However, in reality, just like with other discussions very often we don’t have a clue what we think…we only think we know what we think…until we’re actually in the situation.

This is true. But I think many couples never expect to be “that couple” with that issue. They think it will just “work out” (and each spouse has his or her own interpretation of what that is, and of course “working out” means that that spouse will get his or her way). Acknowledging that it may be an issue, at some point, and at least trying to put themselves in that situation, is more beneficial than never having the conversation at all.

I also think if it’s discussed beforehand, when it actually happens, a spouse is more likely to understand when DH or DW says, “You know hon, I know I said I would feel this way, but actually, this is what I’m feeling instead.” That has happened with my husband and me about a million times over all sorts of issues - but especially regarding our children and our sex lives (which, of course, are very closely connected, considering one leads to the other! )

 

[Marie1234]

Yes, I have noticed how fiercely fpt battles against Ron Conte here. Ron Conte comes into a thread, drops a grenade and skedaddles. And fpt systematically dismantles Conte’s argument, point by point, and even invites Conte to dialogue and discuss, an invitation which is, unfortunately, always ignored.

I am always very intrigued by threads on the differences in sex drive between husband and wife, partially because of how it has played out in my own marriage relationship, but also because, sexual intimacy seems, IMHO, to be the moment where two spouses share the most vulnerable, the most intimate, the most loving core of who they are. As such, sexual intimacy, in principle, should be a vital part of the marriage relationship, and is the component which sets it apart from all other relationships. In the Bible, it is referring to as “knowing” and I think that word is very descriptive and accurate. To neglect that part of the relationship, in my opinion, is neglecting the very thing that gives a marriage its unique and special qualities. A “one-flesh union” is a physical description of the nature of the marriage relationship.
I think a husband and wife, whatever their expectations were prior to their wedding, should place a very high priority on sharing that aspect of their being with each other. Each relationship is different, of course, but spouses actually own each others’ bodies. A husband should be concerned with his wife’s needs and a wife should be concerned about her husband’s needs. Neither of them should feel rejected, especially with respect to the core of their being, that aspect of themselves which they vowed to share only with each other, and which is so intimate and personal. This is why I persisted in giving even when my husband behaved petulantly and I dealt with health/physical problems related to having too frequent relations. No matter how upset with him I got for his childish attitude, the thought of my husband, whom I chose and whom I love, being rejected and lonely and desolate inside was enough to cut my heart deeply and make me reach out to him.
We did make many mistakes over our 15 years of marriage, but the point is that we kept trying, and we still keep trying. Couples should continue to learn how to be better lovers and how to care for the others’ needs as tenderly as they would tend to their own needs. It still cuts my heart to read stories here about a husband or a wife who is being neglected sexually. Whatever stress we are experiencing in our daily life, a husband and wife are supposed to be united. Kind of an “Us against the World” mentality. Sexual intimacy unites a husband and wife physically, emotionally and spiritually. Prayer is vital, too, and communication, but neither of these can replace the marital embrace.
That is my more than :twocents:

That’s so beautiful and wise.

I pray my future husband and I will have a relationship like the one you describe.
That truly is love.

 

[fpt]

Yes, I have noticed how fiercely fpt battles against Ron Conte here. Ron Conte comes into a thread, drops a grenade and skedaddles. And fpt systematically dismantles Conte’s argument, point by point, and even invites Conte to dialogue and discuss, an invitation which is, unfortunately, always ignored.

I am always very intrigued by threads on the differences in sex drive between husband and wife, partially because of how it has played out in my own marriage relationship, but also because, sexual intimacy seems, IMHO, to be the moment where two spouses share the most vulnerable, the most intimate, the most loving core of who they are. As such, sexual intimacy, in principle, should be a vital part of the marriage relationship, and is the component which sets it apart from all other relationships. In the Bible, it is referring to as “knowing” and I think that word is very descriptive and accurate. To neglect that part of the relationship, in my opinion, is neglecting the very thing that gives a marriage its unique and special qualities. A “one-flesh union” is a physical description of the nature of the marriage relationship.
I think a husband and wife, whatever their expectations were prior to their wedding, should place a very high priority on sharing that aspect of their being with each other. Each relationship is different, of course, but spouses actually own each others’ bodies. A husband should be concerned with his wife’s needs and a wife should be concerned about her husband’s needs. Neither of them should feel rejected, especially with respect to the core of their being, that aspect of themselves which they vowed to share only with each other, and which is so intimate and personal. This is why I persisted in giving even when my husband behaved petulantly and I dealt with health/physical problems related to having too frequent relations. No matter how upset with him I got for his childish attitude, the thought of my husband, whom I chose and whom I love, being rejected and lonely and desolate inside was enough to cut my heart deeply and make me reach out to him.
We did make many mistakes over our 15 years of marriage, but the point is that we kept trying, and we still keep trying. Couples should continue to learn how to be better lovers and how to care for the others’ needs as tenderly as they would tend to their own needs. It still cuts my heart to read stories here about a husband or a wife who is being neglected sexually. Whatever stress we are experiencing in our daily life, a husband and wife are supposed to be united. Kind of an “Us against the World” mentality. Sexual intimacy unites a husband and wife physically, emotionally and spiritually. Prayer is vital, too, and communication, but neither of these can replace the marital embrace.
That is my more than :twocents:

I like that. It is very natural, very catholic and so charitable. It is the real conjugal love.