Question about Divorce

[Clearwater14]

It seems like the divorce rate is skyrocketing. What justifies a divorce in the Catholic Church’s eyes? I know that divorce is permitted for adultery, but what actually defines adultery? Is looking at porn or kissing another woman considered adultery? If so, does this justify a divorce. Is a one night stand considered adultery? What if your husband repents and asks for forgiveness? Should a wife forgive a one night stand? Sometimes adultery isn’t black and white. There seems to be many gray areas of adultery. For example a husband that cheats over and over again has a bigger sin than a husband who does it just one time and regrets it. Can you please explain what justifies divorce and when should a wife forgive her husband and stay married? Thank you!

 

[Xantippe]

It seems like the divorce rate is skyrocketing.

**It’s not in the US. Divorce is down, but marriage is also down, and unwed childbearing is way up. It looks like the peak of US divorce was in 1980.

familyfacts.org/charts/120/the-divorce-rate-is-declining-but-still-high**

What justifies a divorce in the Catholic Church’s eyes? I know that divorce is permitted for adultery, but what actually defines adultery? Is looking at porn or kissing another woman considered adultery? If so, does this justify a divorce. Is a one night stand considered adultery? What if your husband repents and asks for forgiveness? Should a wife forgive a one night stand? Sometimes adultery isn’t black and white. There seems to be many gray areas of adultery. For example a husband that cheats over and over again has a bigger sin than a husband who does it just one time and regrets it. Can you please explain what justifies divorce and when should a wife forgive her husband and stay married? Thank you!

 

[1ke]

It seems like the divorce rate is skyrocketing. What justifies a divorce in the Catholic Church’s eyes?

Can. 1153 §1. If either of the spouses causes grave mental or physical danger to the other spouse or to the offspring or otherwise renders common life too difficult, that spouse gives the other a legitimate cause for leaving, either by decree of the local ordinary or even on his or her own authority if there is danger in delay.

I know that divorce is permitted for adultery, but what actually defines adultery?

In such cases, the Church urges forgiveness and reconciliation.

Adultery is having sexual relations with someone other than your spouse.

Is looking at porn or kissing another woman considered adultery? If so, does this justify a divorce. Is a one night stand considered adultery? What if your husband repents and asks for forgiveness? Should a wife forgive a one night stand? Sometimes adultery isn’t black and white. There seems to be many gray areas of adultery. For example a husband that cheats over and over again has a bigger sin than a husband who does it just one time and regrets it. Can you please explain what justifies divorce and when should a wife forgive her husband and stay married? Thank you!

The Church urges reconciliation in all cases.

It may be permissible to separate if there is danger to the innocent spouse, or for other reasons as outlined in Canon Law.

vatican.va/archive/ENG1104/__P45.HTM

 

[underacloud]

It seems like the divorce rate is skyrocketing. What justifies a divorce in the Catholic Church’s eyes?

In general, grounds for separation are adultery and danger to the spouse and/or offspring:

vatican.va/archive/ENG1104/_P45.HTM

I know that divorce is permitted for adultery, but what actually defines adultery? Is looking at porn or kissing another woman considered adultery?

Looking at porn - no.

Kissing - not really, but a bit grey arguably.

Generally, as far as I know for this purpose adultery is consider sexual acts (intercourse, sodomy, even beastiality) with another.

If so, does this justify a divorce. Is a one night stand considered adultery? What if your husband repents and asks for forgiveness? Should a wife forgive a one night stand?

A one night stand is certainly adultery and grounds for separation.

It is up to the wronged party as to whether to forgive. The Church encourages forgiveness, but it is not required.

Sometimes adultery isn’t black and white. There seems to be many gray areas of adultery. For example a husband that cheats over and over again has a bigger sin than a husband who does it just one time and regrets it. Can you please explain what justifies divorce and when should a wife forgive her husband and stay married? Thank you!

The Church generally encourages the wronged party to welcome the adulterer back into conjugal life. But there is no responsibility to do so (in general).

 

[casslean]

I’m pretty sure that the CCC distinguishes between causes for separation and cause for divorce. The Code of Canon Law (cited above) gives legitimate reasons for spouses to separate while the bond remains, not reasons to justify civil divorce. The CCC provides that civil divorce is only permitted if needed to ensure legal rights, maintain care of the children, or protect inheritance:

2383 The separation of spouses while maintaining the marriage bond can be legitimate in certain cases provided for by canon law. If civil divorce remains the only possible way of ensuring certain legal rights, the care of the children, or the protection of inheritance, it can be tolerated and does not constitute a moral offense.

My understanding is that adultery alone, without one of the factors above, would not be sufficient to permit a civil divorce.

 

[underacloud]

Forgive me, but with all Christian charity I want to challenge you on your statement that you “know that divorce is permitted for adultery?” Perhaps you read it somewhere or heard it but it is not a cut-and-dry issue. Divorce or separation from a spouse can be permitted, yes. However it isn’t simply a matter of one person commits adultery so the other spouse gets a free pass to a divorce. The Catholic church urges reconciliation and forgiveness in all matters, unless one spouse is being abused of course.

I’m not sure where you are going with this and you no doubt you mean well, but it must be reiterated that the wronged spouse has a right to separation (baring certain conditions listed in the link I provided).

It is not just the case that separation “can be” permitted (as you say). To be correct, separation is permitted.

The Catholic Church urges reconcilliation, but does not require it. It remains the right of the wronged spouse to choose to resume conjugal living or not to.

 

[DarkLight]

I’m not sure where you are going with this and you no doubt you mean well, but it must be reiterated that the wronger spouse has a right to separation (baring certain conditions listed in the link I provided).

I think you meant wronged spouse…though wronger spouse is sometimes accurate.

 

[underacloud]

I think you meant wronged spouse…though wronger spouse is sometimes accurate.

Ooops…thanks.

 

[Clearwater14]

I am so happy to read all the responses to my thread. I will get down to the nitty gritty. My husband and I are both Catholic. We were married in the Catholic Church.

Recently, I found out that my husband went to strip clubs (touched stripper’s breasts and had lap dances), was watching porn at home on his computer, chatting with ex girlfriends online from high school and made out with another woman at a bar (Kissing & Carresing). I am deeply saddened by all of this. I feel betrayed.

As far as I know, he did not have intercourse or oral sex with another woman. He denies having intercourse & oral sex with another woman. He has stopped going to strip clubs and bars and he seems to be remorseful. He says he is very sorry. Currently, we are both in Catholic Marriage Counseling.

I guess my question to you all is: Is this enough for grounds for a Catholic Canon Separation (Divorce)? Did my husband commit adultery on me? Is adultery only intercourse and oral sex?

In the Catholic Church’s eyes, should I forgive my husband even if it through me into major depression? Or, does the Catholic Church see this as justification for a separation of the marriage?

I am extremely saddened and disappointed by what my husband has done. However, we have been married for 20 years and I value marriage. I am deeply hurt by his choices and I am finding it difficult to forgive him and move forward. I still love him, but I am having trouble forgiving him and I am very depressed.

Where does the Catholic Church stand on this type of situation?

Thank you! God Bless.

 

[DarkLight]

Right, I think the big first question here is, is he genuinely repentant? Does he have any commitment to making things right?

 

[Xantippe]

Right, I think the big first question here is, is he genuinely repentant? Does he have any commitment to making things right?

Yes.

I’d be concerned also about the fact that it’s not a one-off, but a clear pattern of related behaviors.

 

[Jon_S_1]

I am so happy to read all the responses to my thread. I will get down to the nitty gritty. My husband and I are both Catholic. We were married in the Catholic Church.

Recently, I found out that my husband went to strip clubs (touched stripper’s breasts and had lap dances), was watching porn at home on his computer, chatting with ex girlfriends online from high school and made out with another woman at a bar (Kissing & Carresing). I am deeply saddened by all of this. I feel betrayed.

As far as I know, he did not have intercourse or oral sex with another woman. He denies having intercourse & oral sex with another woman. He has stopped going to strip clubs and bars and he seems to be remorseful. He says he is very sorry. Currently, we are both in Catholic Marriage Counseling.

I guess my question to you all is: Is this enough for grounds for a Catholic Canon Separation (Divorce)? Did my husband commit adultery on me? Is adultery only intercourse and oral sex?

In the Catholic Church’s eyes, should I forgive my husband even if it through me into major depression? Or, does the Catholic Church see this as justification for a separation of the marriage?

I am extremely saddened and disappointed by what my husband has done. However, we have been married for 20 years and I value marriage. I am deeply hurt by his choices and I am finding it difficult to forgive him and move forward. I still love him, but I am having trouble forgiving him and I am very depressed.

Where does the Catholic Church stand on this type of situation?

Thank you! God Bless.

We are always called to forgive so I would encourage you to take your time and work with your priest and counselors on that.

Separation should be a last resort if your husband continues in his behaviors.

I don’t think it’s been mentioned in the thread but just to be clear a separation/civil divorce does not equal “ok to get married again”.

 

[DarkLight]

Yes.

I’d be concerned also about the fact that it’s not a one-off, but a clear pattern of related behaviors.

I would also be concerned that the behaviors listed are ones he had to intentionally seek out.

 

[Xantippe]

I would also be concerned that the behaviors listed are ones he had to intentionally seek out.

Yes.

 

[underacloud]

Oh dear, that is terrible to hear. I am very sorry you are going through this.

Please take this up with your pastor. I think this is beyond the capacity of us “arm-chair experts” to advise. Instead, you will have my prayers.

God bless.

 

[Clearwater14]

I have been struggling greatly on what to do. He seems remorseful now, but that is only because he got caught. He lied, and lied, and lied… I actually found out about these things on my own. Who knows if I have the entire truth? Obviously, he lied to avoid arguing with me.

I have asked him over and over and he says he did not have sex with anyone and that includes (oral sex)…

Should I take his word on this? I don’t have any proof that he isn’t telling the truth.

My husband actually told me he did not believe what he has done is actually “cheating” because he didn’t have intercourse. He said they were bad decisions, but he didn’t cheat on me. I can’t imagine how he even thinks this way.

Jesus taught and encouraged people to forgive. I am trying so hard. I am trying to forgive and move forward, but the trust is gone. I am hoping that it comes back. Maybe in time it will come back? I am trying to do what Jesus wants me to do. Would Jesus want me to forgive my husband and stay with him or file for a separation? I am so lost right now. Lost and depressed.

These are the things my husband did: Went to multiple strip clubs, got lap dances, touched stripper’s breasts with his hands, kissed another woman and caressed her when he was drunk at a bar, watched porn on his computer, went out to lunch and dinner with female coworkers (alone), chatted online with ex-girlfriends from high school on Facebook.

P.S. We are seeing a Catholic Marriage Counselor now… I spoke to my Pastor and he told me to forgive my husband.
God Bless!

 

[Clearwater14]

Can. 1153 §1. If either of the spouses causes grave mental or physical danger to the other spouse or to the offspring or otherwise renders common life too difficult, that spouse gives the other a legitimate cause for leaving, either by decree of the local ordinary or even on his or her own authority if there is danger in delay.

In such cases, the Church urges forgiveness and reconciliation.

Adultery is having sexual relations with someone other than your spouse.

The Church urges reconciliation in all cases.

It may be permissible to separate if there is danger to the innocent spouse, or for other reasons as outlined in Canon Law.

vatican.va/archive/ENG1104/__P45.HTM

Thank you for this link. I did read it. I don’t understand the first paragraph completely. Is it telling to forgive Adultery only if you made your husband do this or you committed adultery yourself? I am confused by the Canon Law that is outlined in the link you provided. Please help me understand. God Bless!

 

[casslean]

Thank you for this link. I did read it. I don’t understand the first paragraph completely. Is it telling to forgive Adultery only if you made your husband do this or you committed adultery yourself? I am confused by the Canon Law that is outlined in the link you provided. Please help me understand. God Bless!

The Canon Law states:

Can. 1152 §1. Although it is earnestly recommended that a spouse, moved by Christian charity and concerned for the good of the family, not refuse forgiveness to an adulterous partner and not disrupt conjugal life, nevertheless, if the spouse did not condone the fault of the other expressly or tacitly, the spouse has the right to sever conjugal living unless the spouse consented to the adultery, gave cause for it, or also committed adultery.

As I understand it, Canon Law encourages the “innocent spouse” (a term used later) to forgive an adulterous spouse, but if they did not condone the adulterous behaviour, then the innocent spouse has the right to separation UNLESS (a) they consented to the adulterous behaviour, (b) they caused the adulterous behaviour (the canon law isn’t clear on what would constitute “cause”, so this might be a discussion to have with your priest if you are concerned) or (c) they have committed adultery themselves (hypocrisy is bad).

I hope that helps.

 

[Clearwater14]

In general, grounds for separation are adultery and danger to the spouse and/or offspring:

vatican.va/archive/ENG1104/_P45.HTM

Looking at porn - no.

Kissing - not really, but a bit grey arguably.

Generally, as far as I know for this purpose adultery is consider sexual acts (intercourse, sodomy, even beastiality) with another.

A one night stand is certainly adultery and grounds for separation.

It is up to the wronged party as to whether to forgive. The Church encourages forgiveness, but it is not required.

The Church generally encourages the wronged party to welcome the adulterer back into conjugal life. But there is no responsibility to do so (in general).

Thank you for this information. My husband has said that adultery is having intercourse with another woman. I am pretty sure that he did not have intercourse. I have a GUT feeling he did not. It scares me because a lot of woman and men find out that their spouse actually had sex with another person and they never knew about it. They were shocked to find out the news. So, I am hoping I am not in this population. My GUT tells me that he had no intercourse or oral/sex… However, he did participate in other sexual sinful activities (Kissing, fondling, porn) etc… He also went out to lunch and dinner with female co-workers which I was not aware of…

 

[Clearwater14]

God bless you and thank you for asking your question!

Forgive me, but with all Christian charity I want to challenge you on your statement that you “know that divorce is permitted for adultery?” Perhaps you read it somewhere or heard it but it is not a cut-and-dry issue. Divorce or separation from a spouse can be permitted, yes. However it isn’t simply a matter of one person commits adultery so the other spouse gets a free pass to a divorce. The Catholic church urges reconciliation and forgiveness in all matters, unless one spouse is being abused of course.

I wish I could give you a list of this is okay and this isn’t but each marriage is different and each case is different. I know that upon seeing a Catholic counselor or a priest that the couple would be encouraged to reconcile and try and make the marriage work out unless it were beyond all hope. God bless you again and hope this helps some, please take care.

Thank you for your response. We are going to a Catholic Marriage Therapist. I also saw my Pastor. My Pastor told me to forgive my husband.