Question for men-would you leave your wife if she lost her looks?

[EasterJoy]

Also, to be very frank, it’s not your looks that determine your long-term marital happiness. See, for example, Marilyn Monroe and Elizabeth Taylor…At a lower level, one often sees that very pretty women suffer from the fact that a lot of men find them desirable, but these women often have a hard time making good matches.

If one has a certain basic level of attractiveness as a woman, at some point it’s up to one’s personality to sell the deal. As the first line of Gone With the Wind goes, “Scarlet O’Hara was not beautiful, but men seldom realized it when caught by her charm as the Tarleton twins were.”

The question wasn’t “are the best-looking spouses more trouble than they are worth and more likely to be problem spouses?” That is a legitimate but separate question.

On these boards, the complaint is usually not, “My wife has gotten older, and she looks her age.” The complaint is, “My wife/husband used to take care about herself/himself, but in the past few years she/he has quit exercising, quit worrying about what she/he eats or how much, and quit making an effort to look her/his best in terms of her grooming and the clothing she chooses.”

Sometimes posters even put it in so many words: He/she shows no interest in being attractive to me.

Yes, that problem usually goes much deeper than surface care. It speaks to how the affection between the spouses is faring. Scarlett O’Hara pretty much ignored anyone she didn’t see a personal interest in “charming.” Even Rhett gave up on her, eventually.

 

[Xantippe]

The question wasn’t “are the best-looking spouses more trouble than they are worth and more likely to be problem spouses?” That is a legitimate but separate question.

On these boards, the complaint is usually not, “My wife has gotten older, and she looks her age.” The complaint is, “My wife/husband used to take care about herself/himself, but in the past few years she/he has quit exercising, quit worrying about what she/he eats or how much, and quit making an effort to look her/his best in terms of her grooming and the clothing she chooses.”

Sometimes posters even put it in so many words: He/she shows no interest in being attractive to me.

Yes, that problem usually goes much deeper than surface care. It speaks to how the affection between the spouses is faring. Scarlett O’Hara pretty much ignored anyone she didn’t see a personal interest in “charming.” Even Rhett gave up on her, eventually.

Right–and it wasn’t because she wasn’t pretty anymore–it was because he felt that she was irredeemably selfish and that she didn’t love him.

 

[EasterJoy]

Right–and it wasn’t because she wasn’t pretty anymore–it was because he felt that she was irredeemably selfish and that she didn’t love him.

There are people–men and women–who are shallow and clueless, people who believe they are entitled to be accompanied by someone who looks young and perfect, regardless of what they look like themselves or how much care their spouse is taking in trying to look their best.

There are few who would be foolish enough to express such an opinion here, even if that is truly how they think.

There are also people who come here broken-hearted, abandoned by unilateral action because their spouses got tired of them or just found someone else new and exciting. It does happen, and apparently there are Catholics out there doing it. They do not, however, tend to be people who admit that they intended to drop their spouses as soon as someone younger and prettier (or more handsome or richer) came along. If there is not an underlying disaffection, they usually say something like “we couldn’t help it, we fell in love,” not “my wife/husband looks old and so I couldn’t turn down the infatuation of someone who is better-looking and flatters me by returning my interest.”

 

[oldgraymare2]

At some point, friends have had the same conversation enough times that they don’t feel like repeating it is helping anybody. And that’s not a failure in friendship on their part.

Or, as I have said before (about real life situations), at some point friendship ends and social work begins…

Hi Xantippe,

I agree with you here.

I personally don’t think that it’s doing anybody any good, if you have a friend who may be depressed, and they just want to keep rehashing the same things to you like they should be doing to a professional counselor, but for whatever reason, they don’t seem to want to do it.

That can put an undue burden on a friendship, when someone wants to make a friend into a therapist or a counselor, and doesn’t see that that could be a problem.

 

[Patavium]

Sure but the frustration is your(not literally your’s but whoever gets frustrated) issue and not mine/the OP’s and should be recognised as such.
In this case the “frustrated one” should practice self control & not post anything & ignore that thread.
Also it shouldn’t be assumed because someone is still “stuck” on a matter(any matter) that they weren’t receptive to the advice given.Maybe not your advice(if they saw holes in your logic etc) but they could have learnt a lot from other peoples advice/perceptions.

OP is ok. Hang in there. Some posters here “have this smarter than you attitude”. Just ignore it.

 

[Sarcelle]

Idk the OP, but I’m of Indian ethnicity and it’s commom for old Indians to greet you and then talk about your looks/weight. Maybe OP is Asian too, our cultures can be like this.

Asian cultures are very much looks focused. People there have no problem telling you what they think of your looks. Yes, even complete strangers.

I’ve had strangers come up to me and say I need to eat more, I might blow away.

One asked me in a joking way if I had to run around in the shower just to get wet. After that, she proceeds to laugh uproariously.

I have Latino friends who tell me the same thing. South America can also be very focused on physical looks, especially on women. Beauty contests are a big thing there.

 

[Sarcelle]

I’m 18, I have no excuse to look like that lol! Cameras should be banned honestly. I remember feeling really pretty but then I saw a picture of myself taken on that day and yikes. And don’t get me started about flipped pictures…

I always get like this (looks) all the time. I do feel angry about my gender before that time of the month. It’s like my body hates being a girl too, hahaha

I cannot get the concept of selfies.

Probably because I do not photograph well.

 

[Sarcelle]

Idk the OP, but I’m of Indian ethnicity and it’s commom for old Indians to greet you and then talk about your looks/weight. Maybe OP is Asian too, our cultures can be like this.

I remember the OP mentioning that she is from Eastern Europe.

 

[Lea101]

Generalizing ((i) I have not closely read this thread to comment to the particular, and (ii) I try to not give such personal advice in public fora in any case):

If someone is insecure or has low self-esteem, and if this is becaue of his* looks, the solutions off the top of my head are:

• 
  *]Become more beautiful (however that may be done)
  *]Improve his looks to the point where he is more comfortable with them.
  *]Seek therapy, especially to help with (ii) above.
  *]Move to a place where beauty is not considered his primary value.
  
  (* See what I did there?)
  
  
  tee

• 
  But what makes you think OP wants us to fix her?
  
  She just wants to hear our perspective on things, which can be helpful for her to see how off hers is. Or not.
  
  Sometimes posters think that people are asking for a solution, sometimes, like I have said, they just want a discussion. To get opinions on something.

 

[mommy_k]

But what makes you think OP wants us to fix her?

She just wants to hear our perspective on things, which can be helpful for her to see how off hers is. Or not.

Sometimes posters think that people are asking for a solution, sometimes, like I have said, they just want a discussion. To get opinions on something.

The quote you are refering to was not directing the comment at the op, it says his…see the asterisk?

 

[Elena321]

OP, something I’ve been wondering about. Why do you never mention which ethnicity/country that you come from that is so beauty-focused? I’ve been trying to figure it out for a while, but, I don’t think I’ve ever encountered a culture that meets that description. And, it is likely that plenty of people on here have never encountered that it either. Maybe people would be more sympathetic or understanding of your questions if given a more tangible context.

Anyway, I’m young: I don’t know everything. Just a suggestion, feel free to take it or not. By the way, I’m sorry if you were hurt or annoyed by anyone in this thread.

I have mentioned.Its Slavic.

 

[Elena321]

Idk the OP, but I’m of Indian ethnicity and it’s commom for old Indians to greet you and then talk about your looks/weight. Maybe OP is Asian too, our cultures can be like this.

Yeah,i ve noticed that Indian families (and Chinese) can be like this too.

 

[Elena321]

Right. Also maybe “find enjoyable activities where looks are irrelevant.”

I notice that “talk about how terrible it is not being pretty” and “obsess about the consequences of losing looks” and “criticize the opposite sex for being looks-obsessed pigs” are not on your list.

You,especially,seem to be affected by my threads beyond what is reasonable.
Is there something that bothers you about your looks that your not dealing with?

 

[Elena321]

WHAT?

So we’re supposed to mind read and just agree with everyone on everything?
You’re kidding. People come here to help, not to criticize.
If you feel like people are too critical of you, then don’t post! Simple.
But when you ask, people will answer.

I’m out.

Of course no one has to mind read or agree with everything.
I didn’t say anything like that.I said if a person feels frustrated they should recognise that’s their own issue and instead of dumping that frustration or anger on another person they should practice self control and not post or (even better) pray.
If someone cant post with kindness & decorum its better not to post.

 

[Xantippe]

You,especially,seem to be affected by my threads beyond what is reasonable.
Is there something that bothers you about your looks that your not dealing with?

As it happens, I’m a short, plump 41-year-old mother of three and wear thick glasses. I have never been a looker–ever–at least in the opinion of the general public and I have a very basic wardrobe. My husband thinks I’m cute, which is all that’s necessary. It doesn’t really matter what anybody else thinks.

Bear in mind that your thread is generally offensive. You are suggesting 1) that husbands are mostly shallow, disloyal, lying swine and 2) that wives should live in fear every day that their husbands are about to replace them. (Mathematically speaking #2 is problematic–there just aren’t enough 19-year-old beauty queens for every single adult male to get one and even if there were, each beauty queen would eventually age, too, but never mind math.)

So, there’s something in this to offend pretty much everybody.

This just isn’t a healthy preoccupation–we’re all going to get old and wrinkly (if we don’t die tragically young), so we might as well be pretty philosophical about physical beauty–enjoying it while we’ve got it, but not wrapping up our entire identities in our looks. As the Good Book says, “beauty is fleeting.”

 

[Xantippe]

Also–and excuse me for getting a little PG–the visual aspect is not the only one that matters in sexuality. It also matters that one’s spouse smells nice and feels nice and is warmly physically affectionate.

 

[Elena321]

As it happens, I’m a short, plump 41-year-old mother of three and wear thick glasses. I have never been a looker–ever–at least in the opinion of the general public and I have a very basic wardrobe. My husband thinks I’m cute, which is all that’s necessary. It doesn’t really matter what anybody else thinks.

Bear in mind that your thread is generally offensive. You are suggesting 1) that husbands are mostly shallow, disloyal, lying swine and 2) that wives should live in fear every day that their husbands are about to replace them. (Mathematically speaking #2 is problematic–there just aren’t enough 19-year-old beauty queens for every single adult male to get one and even if there were, each beauty queen would eventually age, too, but never mind math.)

So, there’s something in this to offend pretty much everybody.

This just isn’t a healthy preoccupation–we’re all going to get old and wrinkly (if we don’t die tragically young), so we might as well be pretty philosophical about physical beauty–enjoying it while we’ve got it, but not wrapping up our entire identities in our looks. As the Good Book says, “beauty is fleeting.”

Thanks for your honest.
I thought that might be what was going on because your reaction to my threads was out of proportion to the situation.
Asking the question is just an open curious question-its not suggesting that men are anything.Men (like women) are a variety of things and differ from man to man.
Its not offensive,thats just your perception.
Easterjoy also asked “would you leave your wife/husband if he she let themselves go or…” but you didn’t say that was offensive?
Perhaps my “beauty focused threads”’ “push your buttons” because it brings to the forefront feelings about your own looks (almost like a feeling of I don’t want to hear it because it reminds me…) or perhaps you think I myself am being shallow?

 

[KennethK]

Its seriously hard in this modern world to find a partner based on Catholic/Christian marriage foundation.

Then I must conclude that the Great Apostasy has arrived, if the Faith can no longer be passed on from generation to generation. Answering my earlier question, it would appear indeed that marriage is now and hereafter only of and for the wicked.

 

[RPRPsych]

Then I must conclude that the Great Apostasy has arrived, if the Faith can no longer be passed on from generation to generation. Answering my earlier question, it would appear indeed that marriage is now and hereafter only of and for the wicked.

Oh, man, I needed a good laugh to start the day.

This beats anything you can read on “Fundies Say The Darnedest Things” hollow.

 

[Xantippe]

Thanks for your honest.
I thought that might be what was going on because your reaction to my threads was out of proportion to the situation.
Asking the question is just an open curious question-its not suggesting that men are anything.Men (like women) are a variety of things and differ from man to man.
Its not offensive,thats just your perception.
Easterjoy also asked “would you leave your wife/husband if he she let themselves go or…” but you didn’t say that was offensive?
Perhaps my “beauty focused threads”’ “push your buttons” because it brings to the forefront feelings about your own looks (almost like a feeling of I don’t want to hear it because it reminds me…) or perhaps you think I myself am being shallow?

Well, I’m one of those that thinks that a lot of times, “my husband has let himself go” might mean that he is suffering clinical depression or some other form of mental illness or “my wife has let herself go” might mean that she’s not getting enough time for exercise or to keep a good diet or doesn’t have enough money to spend on clothes or makeup for herself.

I don’t think that mentally healthy people purposely make themselves ugly–that’s silly.

I believe somebody (bitterhope?) mentioned something like that upthread.

But, more than that, it’s counter-productive to put as much attention on beauty as you do. It is temporary. If we live to 90, we’re going to be old and wrinkly–we won’t look anything like we did at 18. But, our lives might still be full, happy, and valuable to our friends and family. Beauty is not the only thing that matters–as people have told you in half a dozen ways. Many great beauties have had terrible marriages–for instance Jackie Kennedy. Being a beauty is no guarantee of happiness, and in fact, it often attracts unsavory types.