Question for men-would you leave your wife if she lost her looks?

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I for one would consider it a mistake to “look for someone, Christian or not.”

For casual dating (which beyond a certain point might itself be a mistake) this might be ok, however, you can’t safely comtemplate sharing all of your life with someone where there is that much divergence in core world view. IMINWHO.

ICXC NIKA
 
Stephen_says said:
Hi! I don’t know why you asked this question, it seems very sad that you think men would do this. As a single, 30 year old man, I hope I would be loyal to my marriage vows (if I ever get married). The way I see it, most relationships have struggles. It would be a much harder decision if, say, love faded. What if my future wife loses her looks, but I still love her sense of humor and her adventurism and her strength and her kindness? What if she stayed beautiful, but we couldn’t communicate or laugh like we used to? Which one of those options would be harder to live with? Looks aren’t everything. What I look for mostly is just someone I can easily talk too, and someone who thinks I’m funny, because those things (conversing and joking) don’t come easy for me, so when I find someone who I feel comfortable and effortless around, that’s a big deal!
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Thanks.I wish you the best.
It I hard here though because often women “have it all”-ie:looks,kindness,sense of humour,sense of adventurism,family oriented,intelligent,great personality etc…
Of course,some women are just shallow(beautiful externally but not nice internally) but so many are the “whole package”…

Generally speaking,what do you think could make love fade?
 
Elena321 said:
I love cats so I might buy the “crazy cat lady starter kit” lol.
Take into consideration that not everyone comes from where you come from.
So what may be obsessive to you and something you don’t relate to,someone might come from a different place where beauty is highly valued and they are surrounded by it.
Even if something is “truly obsessive”, the obsessivness may be changed by getting different perspectives from/hearing stories from different people.
People can assist/converse with another.It doesn’t have to only come in the form of a $300 an hour Therapist.
Even if someone feels they have nothing to add on a topic,someone else might have something they’d like to say.
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I’ve never heard of a $300 an hour therapist–they must exist somewhere, but not in the vast majority of the US. When one of our kids needs to see somebody and insurance doesn’t cover it, it’s $140 an hour, and that’s a very highly-qualified specialist with a doctorate and unusual qualifications. But normally, it’s a $20 copay per visit…

For this particular issue, it’s very hard for anybody to be of assistance who doesn’t know your area and doesn’t know you personally. For all we know, you’re very pretty, but just have low self-esteem or are of a physical type that isn’t valued in your area, but is valued elsewhere. Very few people are good judges of their own looks and of course families aren’t much better.
 
Also, after all of your various threads on the subject, I’m not really seeing a lot of improvement in your focus on physical attractiveness. It just seems like more and more of the same.
 
pianistclare said:
Yes. But American do put an emphasis on mental and physical health.
There is far less cultural pressure to not “embarrass” the family.
There’s nothing shameful about asking for help. What I do find disturbing, is the ability to ask total strangers, and then get mad when they answer honestly.
Sometimes your peer group can’t answer the question satisfactorily, or with a good outcome. That’s when you see a doctor or a priest.
Confidentiality.
It’s a good thing.
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Therapists can be useful if someone chooses that but that doesn’t mean they are the answer/“default go to method” for everyone.
Some people prefer to discuss with each other,but obviously if they themselves find the problem too burdening (or for serious problems like suicide etc) they can see a therapist if they themselves choose to.
If someone feels “bored” of seeing a certain similar thread topic/feels not interested in a certain topic/can’t relate/feels they have responded previously/ or feels they have no answer or opinion,then they can just as easily “move” on to a different thread.
There is " no pressure" to answer or feel they can help.
Most questions on CatholicAnswersForum are either life/emotions related or spiritual related-if everyone responded “see a therapist” for the first and “see a priest” for the second,there would be no discussions on this website.

We live in a society that is increasingly more beauty obsessed-discussions around these worldly topics are healthy and needed in the “times that we live in”.
It can help people solidify their opinions and/or self reflect.
Therapists are also not the only “repository of all knowledge” or wisdom.
 
redbetta said:
Really, Americans seem to have more medical tests done? Maybe I haven’t noticed because I’m in the age range where people aren’t screening for a variety of cancers. But, it seems to me that, when you go to a friend for advice, they throw out the counselor option as a way of getting rid of a hot potato or just shutting down a conversation that makes it a tad bit uncomfortable for them. Now, I’m not saying that counselors aren’t needed, but, they should not take the place that a good, trustworthy friend can easily fill to no cost. Friendship is not valued that much in general nowadays, or, at least it seems to me and people I know.
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agree totally and thank you. Taking problems to a stranger is not for me and I am as good a friend to my friends also by listening, And yes, the ones i know who are screened every year are in my age group ie 70 ish…

it is simply a different culture; are most folk on the list here medically insured or can they pay for counsellors? Here in ireland the system is different but even so would not feel comfortable with a stranger.

If I went to my dr with a problem of any kind he would simply write a prescription for mind bending drugs… but I would not do it anyways. Not that I would get help here. Priests here now are not accessible like that either.

It has never occurrred to me to try either… waiting list for counselling in many months

I give and recieve strong and reliable friendship and guidance. And yes I work things out here quietly in prayer, in sheer agony sometimes. and yes in knitting and at the end of my angst there is something to show for the pain… if you feel “therapy” helps, fine. . Not my way. as one internet priestly friend used to say, “Go and cuddle your cats!”

Either way … Prayer is for me the grace and the healing.
 
mommy_k said:
This is what is being posted by the op many many times.
Any suggestions by others to improve the situation is shot down, in every single post.
It seems that physical attractiveness in her mind is the only thing that matters…
That’s why talking to a therapist or priest is being suggested.
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I’m not sure where you got that I shot people’s posts down as I didn’t do that.I loved reading people’s perspectives.
Generally speaking-Even if anyone did write a thread that did shoot posts down/or be very negative etc personally I would think a Christian way for me to respond would be to:
1.First check that I wasn’t projecting anything (about self or own feelings) onto them before responding.
2.Try to be patient +kind & “put myself in their shoes” when answering.
3.If I felt “frustrated” (or any other negative emotion) at their negativity,recognise it’s my own emotions and practice self -control and not respond at all.
Personally I feel it would be better to not say anything at all than me risk hurting another person/the OP but I’m not a “great” Catholic so maybe I’m wrong…

I also don’t think physical attractiveness is all that matters and never stated that.
 
February said:
Hi OP. I think you have a valid question. I am not a guy, but do have some (name removed by moderator)ut.

I do not post here often, but have been reading the forums for years. I will say this as a therapist myself, as someone who has sought grief counseling, and as someone who has had a number of clinical supervisors…therapy isn’t everything it’s cracked up to be. For every good caring therapist, there’s one with bad advice, bad morals, and who really should be working on their own issues before helping others. There’s a tendency to medicate (and over medicate, including young children) and scoff at spirituality and religion. I’ve also seen quite a few “man-hating” therapists, and those who push for divorce for their clients rather than working through issues (even with Catholic/Christian therapists). Suggesting therapy to others can also come across as hurtful and judgmental if not done in the right manner.

In other words, therapy isn’t always the solution. You do what is right for you. If anonymous internet posting is helping, so be it. If you want to find a therapist, make sure they are a good fit for you. If there is someone else who might be able to help you (friend, priest) seek them out.

At any rate, I have only been married a short time and have already “lost” how I looked on our wedding day. Unfortunately that is due to 2 full term pregnancies resulting in infant death both times. Losing weight with no babies to show for it is awful! It is much worse when you find out your husband has been addicted to porn your entire relationship. OP, there is hope though, and there are good men out there. Even my husband, who is kicking his porn addiction, working on his faith, and loves me regardless. My dad stuck by my mom through cancer, surgery, and chemo until she died. And honestly, my husband has gained weight too, and I love him more now after all we’ve been through.

I do think you can tell before marriage if a person is superficial or will stay with you for better or worse. I certainly knew at least a couple guys I dated would not be a good husband. Discernment of a good spouse is important.

I am sorry if others have made you feel badly about yourself. Remember though that you were created with a reason and purpose! I’m sure you are a beautiful person inside and out.
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Thankyou very much for your lovely post.
I’m really sorry for all you have been through and I will pray for your husband and yourself (if that’s ok).
What you wrote about therapists also was enlightening,insightful and well measured.
 
Peebo said:
Well…i’m in the twilight years and so is my wife…she is still as pretty as ever…I would hate to be some one like Hugh Hefner…to me he’s one filthy rich lonely wrinkly old guy who chases after all those models who are young enough to be his grand daughters…and the only reason they are with him is because he is filthy rich…it’s sad also to see those so called celebrity women who chase after much younger men…soon as a younger female takes an interest in them they soon forget about the old cougar
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True (or his status/fame).
I thinks the “cougar phenomenon” has come about because those women are just trying to level the playing feeling to feel “empowered” but it is misguided.
 
Irishmom2 said:
What does this have to do with the question? :confused: Can’t it just be a hypothetical question with no need for therapy suggested within the first couple of posts?
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Thankyou.
It was a hypothetical question.
 
Gliggle said:
Hi Elena maybe you need to hear some inspiring stories about physically damaged women? Turia Pitt comes to mind, she was very badly burnt in a bushfire, and lost her looks (she was very attractive lady prior), however she has become a public figure and widely respected for her courage, and she definitely has an inner beauty that her scars can’t hide.

She still wears beautiful clothes and isn’t ashamed of her body, she doesn’t hide her body or her face, people everywhere love her, because she is a living and obvious example that true beauty comes from within. She is also sponsored by an athletic clothing company, because she represents strength, beauty and endurance to many people.

emirates247.com/lifestyle/bush-fire-victim-ex-model-turia-pitt-engaged-to-michael-hoskin-2015-08-09-1.599705
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Thankyou for the story.
She truly is a beautiful inspiration and what a man her husband is too.
 
GEddie said:
I for one would consider it a mistake to “look for someone, Christian or not.”

For casual dating (which beyond a certain point might itself be a mistake) this might be ok, however, you can’t safely comtemplate sharing all of your life with someone where there is that much divergence in core world view. IMINWHO.

ICXC NIKA
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Maybe this is the case if their world view is quite “anti Christian view” and about pro abortion,feminism(in the bad way),pro gay marriage or not having values of kindness,faithfulness etc but if their world view is more compatible and consists of family values,kindness,compassion to the poor,loyalty and trust etc is it then ok?
 
Xantippe said:
I’ve never heard of a $300 an hour therapist–they must exist somewhere, but not in the vast majority of the US. When one of our kids needs to see somebody and insurance doesn’t cover it, it’s $140 an hour, and that’s a very highly-qualified specialist with a doctorate and unusual qualifications. But normally, it’s a $20 copay per visit…

For this particular issue, it’s very hard for anybody to be of assistance who doesn’t know your area and doesn’t know you personally. For all we know, you’re very pretty, but just have low self-esteem or are of a physical type that isn’t valued in your area, but is valued elsewhere. Very few people are good judges of their own looks and of course families aren’t much better.
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Some people post on CatholicAnswersForum that are from other countries.
I am not from USA.
As a general info it it interest you,healthcare systems in other countries different than USA.
Here,a one hour “therapist” session is roughly $200-$300 per hour.
I’m not sure if there is copay/Medicare type option in the public system,but even if there is,generally people have a long waiting period in the public system & it is “stretched” due to high demand>supply.
As much as I am aware,in USA there are also many types of “therapists” with one on each corner(so to speak).
Here,there is no such thing(occupation) as Therapist,only Psychologist.They have the monopoly of the market.
I think there is much fewer of them per capita than in US too.
There is also no such thing as Catholic/Christian therapist/psychologist here either.
 
Xantippe said:
Also, after all of your various threads on the subject, I’m not really seeing a lot of improvement in your focus on physical attractiveness. It just seems like more and more of the same.
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This thread was meant to be a hypothetical question.

Generally speaking,even if I/someone was suffering still from low self esteem so what?Thats my issue alone.
Why would “another poster” be bothered by it?
 
E_7 said:
Wow, OP, I hope you don’t leave CAF because of other posters here. There is no need to question the OP on why they are asking, as if it were forbidden to make up a thread and ask. Do you have to have a serious reason to post? No. And like many teachers repeat" there is no stupid questions, but only stupid people that don’t ask." This is a Catholic forum community, not CARM. Why nail the OP against a cross? 😦
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Thankyou for your kind reply.
I really needed to read this post.
It gave me “strength” because I felt so bad and wanted to leave CAF due to those certain answerers.

This thread was meant to be a hypothetical question.
I guess some users on here are of the opinion that I am not “allowed” to make threads in any form regarding “external appearance” because I have previously made posts about my
self-esteem relating to my own looks/cultural influence…
 
Elena, just out of curiosity, why the focus on physical attractiveness? If you meet a man who loves you you should be able to see, over time, that he finds you beautiful. It’s not something you should be overly concerned about I think. Any guy worth his salt will be looking for what’s on the inside. I find my wife beautiful. But the more I know her the more beautiful she becomes in my eyes. I don’t know or care how the world sees her…to me she’s the most beautiful woman in the world.
Beauty isn’t everything. Physical looks fade with time. If you wish to avoid having a guy leave you after marriage. Look for a guy who respects the bond of marriage. And one who’s family does the same. Ultimately you need to stop being overly focussed on looks and realise that there are men out there who will love you for you, not just for your physical attractiveness.
 
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