Question for men-would you leave your wife if she lost her looks?

[RPRPsych]

Well, I’m one of those that thinks that a lot of times, “my husband has let himself go” might mean that he is suffering clinical depression or some other form of mental illness or “my wife has let herself go” might mean that she’s not getting enough time for exercise or to keep a good diet or doesn’t have enough money to spend on clothes or makeup for herself.

I don’t think that mentally healthy people purposely make themselves ugly–that’s silly.

I believe somebody (bitterhope?) mentioned something like that upthread.

But, more than that, it’s counter-productive to put as much attention on beauty as you do. It is temporary. If we live to 90, we’re going to be old and wrinkly–we won’t look anything like we did at 18. But, our lives might still be full, happy, and valuable to our friends and family. Beauty is not the only thing that matters–as people have told you in half a dozen ways. Many great beauties have had terrible marriages–for instance Jackie Kennedy. Being a beauty is no guarantee of happiness, and in fact, it often attracts unsavory types.

 

[PelagiathePenit]

Kind of sad. I hate to believe a woman’s worth is based on her looks. If that is true, I will leave my husband if he loses his job, shrinks in height or cannot perform well in bed.

 

[Elena321]

Are you joking or serious?
If serious,please don’t lose hopeThats not what I intended.
Maybe just keep your mind open to all women (providing they don’t hold vastly different values) and if you meet one you like,you could pray to God for her to see the goodness of becoming Catholic?

 

[Elena321]

Well, I’m one of those that thinks that a lot of times, “my husband has let himself go” might mean that he is suffering clinical depression or some other form of mental illness or “my wife has let herself go” might mean that she’s not getting enough time for exercise or to keep a good diet or doesn’t have enough money to spend on clothes or makeup for herself.

I don’t think that mentally healthy people purposely make themselves ugly–that’s silly.

I believe somebody (bitterhope?) mentioned something like that upthread.

But, more than that, it’s counter-productive to put as much attention on beauty as you do. It is temporary. If we live to 90, we’re going to be old and wrinkly–we won’t look anything like we did at 18. But, our lives might still be full, happy, and valuable to our friends and family. Beauty is not the only thing that matters–as people have told you in half a dozen ways. Many great beauties have had terrible marriages–for instance Jackie Kennedy. Being a beauty is no guarantee of happiness, and in fact, it often attracts unsavory types.

EasterJoy also asked “would you leave your husband/wife if they purposefully were making themselves look attractive for others…”

If you find mine offensive than you should find hers offensive too.

Its unfair that I am being singled out and some people are responding in hurtful ways on a Catholic website towards me, as I have also seen other people on CAF post multiple threads (such as about relationship issues) and I didn’t see any of the people “attacking” me on this thread “attack them” on their threads for their multiple threads on their same/similar issues.

While it may be counterproductive to focus too much about looks,
its also unfair and very hurtful that some people are quick to type without considering how their words might affect/hurt another person.

I never stated/thought that beauty was the only thing that matters but I also think its wrong for someone on CAF to get frustrated/mad at me because I live in reality-and unfortunately that reality does consist of a society that often puts excessive emphasis on looks(usually for women).

I don’t think EasterJoy was referring to mentally healthy people making themselves “ugly”-I think she was referring to people who develop a lax attitude after marriage vs pre marriage.

Your right that beauty can often attract unsavoury types.
One of the (only) benefits of losing my looks is that I no longer catch the attraction of men that are purely interested in external appearance and “getting sex”.
It can be uncomfortable to deal with some men like that so the fact the don’t try to talk to me anymore is a “bonus”

 

[Elena321]

Kind of sad. I hate to believe a woman’s worth is based on her looks. If that is true, I will leave my husband if he loses his job, shrinks in height or cannot perform well in bed.

Unfortunately some women have done that too…

 

[AdamP88]

I still don’t understand what you mean when you say you’ve “lost your looks”.

In any case, for a serious Catholic man or woman, this question should be irrelevant. Any person who takes marriage seriously will have the same answer to this question.
Like I said, if you want a permanent marriage, look for a Catholic guy who is serious about marriage and about you. If there is an issue with the culture, perhaps look outside of that culture.

 

[Elena321]

I still don’t understand what you mean when you say you’ve “lost your looks”.

In any case, for a serious Catholic man or woman, this question should be irrelevant. Any person who takes marriage seriously will have the same answer to this question.
Like I said, if you want a permanent marriage, look for a Catholic guy who is serious about marriage and about you. If there is an issue with the culture, perhaps look outside of that culture.

Maybe your right that i should look outside of my culture background.

I had Graves Disease and high cortisol and it caused my body to go into an “excessive catabolic state” resulting in rapid breakdown of collagen & elastin on my face.
So I used to have relatively high cheekbones but now I have a “saggy face”
A lot of people gets this to some degree when 60 + but I’m in my 30’s.

 

[Elena321]

I’ve also got a mild variant of a genetic lung disorder that causes excess neutrophil elastase.Neutrophil elastase breaks down the elastin in the lungs causing mild breathing problems (in my case) but unfortunately it not only breaks down the Elastin in the lungs but anywhere where there is Elastin (eg:the face).

 

[AdamP88]

I’ve also got a mild variant of a genetic lung disorder that causes excess neutrophil elastase.Neutrophil elastase breaks down the elastin in the lungs causing mild breathing problems (in my case) but unfortunately it not only breaks down the Elastin in the lungs but anywhere where there is Elastin (eg:the face).

Sorry to hear that.

I think you should realise that men don’t just go in for looks though. I often think it’s over exaggerated that men will look for “looks only”. I didn’t see my wife for almost a year before we actually met. We had most conversations by Skype. But I’d already deced that I loved her heart and wanted to marry her. I wouldn’t have cared if she was considered beautiful by others. In many cases, beauty is subjective. Yes, there is an objective aspect, but I think it’s mostly intangible. We are all beautiful in the eyes of God and that’s actually what matters.

 

[Rosebud77]

Elena my heart goes out to you… It really does.

It can be so hard accepting disabilities than can be seen. I know this myself but then I am over 70 and it is different,

Coming to terms with it all is a work of art. It all was for me when I was your age.

WIsh I were nearer you then we could have a good moan together!

yes you are right. People judge by looks far too much. You are right.

I honestly think you need a smaller, more friendly church.It can all be so impersonal as i have seen here in Ireland and is probably nothing to do with how you look etc, Just folk gravtitate to a larger church when they seek anonymity

Wondering it there might be eg a religious order run church anywhere near you? maybe with a guest or retreat house? I had one such in younger days when I was struggling It worked wonders for me.

CAF can anyone here advise on that?

 

[Elena321]

Sorry to hear that.

I think you should realise that men don’t just go in for looks though. I often think it’s over exaggerated that men will look for “looks only”. I didn’t see my wife for almost a year before we actually met. We had most conversations by Skype. But I’d already deced that I loved her heart and wanted to marry her. I wouldn’t have cared if she was considered beautiful by others. In many cases, beauty is subjective. Yes, there is an objective aspect, but I think it’s mostly intangible. We are all beautiful in the eyes of God and that’s actually what matters.

Thanks.I wish you and your wife much happiness.

 

[Elena321]

Elena my heart goes out to you… It really does.

It can be so hard accepting disabilities than can be seen. I know this myself but then I am over 70 and it is different,

Coming to terms with it all is a work of art. It all was for me when I was your age.

WIsh I were nearer you then we could have a good moan together!

yes you are right. People judge by looks far too much. You are right.

I honestly think you need a smaller, more friendly church.It can all be so impersonal as i have seen here in Ireland and is probably nothing to do with how you look etc, Just folk gravtitate to a larger church when they seek anonymity

Wondering it there might be eg a religious order run church anywhere near you? maybe with a guest or retreat house? I had one such in younger days when I was struggling It worked wonders for me.

CAF can anyone here advise on that?

Thanks Rosebud,

I don’t think it should be any different if a person is over 70.Their symptoms are just as valid and I’m all too familiar how some doctors can treat “younger” people with more complex issues/symptoms they know little about so I wouldn’t like to see how they might treat people over 60.
My concern is that they might be dismissive and chalk everything up to just “aging” effect & not listen to the patient.

WIsh I were nearer you then we could have a good moan together!
That sounds good

 

[mommy_k]

Sorry to hear that.

I think you should realise that men don’t just go in for looks though. I often think it’s over exaggerated that men will look for “looks only”. I didn’t see my wife for almost a year before we actually met. We had most conversations by Skype. But I’d already deced that I loved her heart and wanted to marry her. I wouldn’t have cared if she was considered beautiful by others. In many cases, beauty is subjective. Yes, there is an objective aspect, but I think it’s mostly intangible. We are all beautiful in the eyes of God and that’s actually what matters.

Yes^^ very nice…

Elena, would you ever stop being true friends with someone because they let thier looks go or lost them?If your friend thought no one would be thier friend anymore, or thought they would lose you too- how would that make you feel? How would it make you feel if your friend implied that you were shallow-just because you have the title of friend?

What if question was posted by someone who never had a friend and had a skewed vision about what friendship was about and posted a question like this? How would you set them straight, even if thier thoughts on this were in error, yet deeply ingrained? What if they believed that most friendships are shallow, even when they have had no personal experience with friendship? Would you think c asking if there are people who are shallow friends out there a viable question? Would you expect an yes answer?

What if you saw this friend have various other questions regarding thier looks in many different threads…and even though you felt others and yourself gave pretty good advice from people that had success in long time friendship, yet the friend still asks about it and thier mindset is not changing?

Would you think your friend is happy or suffering?

How many posts does it take before you tell the friend you are not equipped to help, and what would you advise?

 

[LethalMouse]

Guys always say that, but I always see them running away from women who are confident/calling them derogatory words (like you should be _____ but not too ____.) Is there a secret meaning of ‘confident’ nobody is telling me?

Jesus was CONFIDENT

Caligula was a JERK

SO??? because Calig probably seemed “confident”

I love independent women, I never date one who calls herself that. Why? because when you need to shout from the roof tops how independent you are, you are not.

I had a great example of true power, they say to have your office chair higher than your visitor chairs on the other side of the desk to instill “authority”

And truly the small man(internal smallness) needs the big chair to beat small men. But the big man (internal bigness) can sit on the floor in the meeting and still win.

The “confident women” you are referring to are the small man in the big chair, they look cool because of superficial things like chairs…but inside they are insanely tiny.

When you see a woman who never bothers to proclaim her confidence and such as the defining point of her personality she probably has actual confidence so she can actually like herself for her more direct traits.

 

[Xantippe]

Maybe your right that i should look outside of my culture background.

I had Graves Disease and high cortisol and it caused my body to go into an “excessive catabolic state” resulting in rapid breakdown of collagen & elastin on my face.
So I used to have relatively high cheekbones but now I have a “saggy face”
A lot of people gets this to some degree when 60 + but I’m in my 30’s.

That must be really hard.

 

[LethalMouse]

Well, I’m one of those that thinks that a lot of times, “my husband has let himself go” might mean that he is suffering clinical depression or some other form of mental illness or “my wife has let herself go” might mean that she’s not getting enough time for exercise or to keep a good diet or doesn’t have enough money to spend on clothes or makeup

Husband = mental illness

Wife = unfair life

Lol that about sum up prejudice?

 

[Xantippe]

Husband = mental illness

Wife = unfair life

Lol that about sum up prejudice?

I think it’s a little sad that you think that mentioning mental illness as a reason that men “let themselves go” is a knock against men. I was thinking of the sort of downward spiral that a lot of people (especially men) go into during long-term unemployment–which does seem to be especially psychologically hard for men. (In my limited experience, it takes a lot more to get a woman to stop bathing and brushing her teeth than it takes for a man to stop bathing and brushing his teeth–a woman who does that is in a much more troubled state than a man who does the same things.)

Of course a lot of men find themselves getting fat from certain lines of work that involve long hours and lots of time driving-for example police or truck drivers. So, there are lifestyle issues for men, too.

LM, does that make you happy?

 

[Sarcelle]

As it happens, I’m a short, plump 41-year-old mother of three and wear thick glasses. I have never been a looker–ever–at least in the opinion of the general public and I have a very basic wardrobe. My husband thinks I’m cute, which is all that’s necessary. It doesn’t really matter what anybody else thinks.

Bear in mind that your thread is generally offensive. You are suggesting 1) that husbands are mostly shallow, disloyal, lying swine and 2) that wives should live in fear every day that their husbands are about to replace them. (Mathematically speaking #2 is problematic–there just aren’t enough 19-year-old beauty queens for every single adult male to get one and even if there were, each beauty queen would eventually age, too, but never mind math.)

So, there’s something in this to offend pretty much everybody.

This just isn’t a healthy preoccupation–we’re all going to get old and wrinkly (if we don’t die tragically young), so we might as well be pretty philosophical about physical beauty–enjoying it while we’ve got it, but not wrapping up our entire identities in our looks. As the Good Book says, “beauty is fleeting.”

Beauty is fleeting indeed.

I remember reading an interview with Liv Tyler who I think is so beautiful. The interviewer told her about how beautiful she is. Liv replies, “It does not last”.

So true.

 

[LethalMouse]

I think it’s a little sad that you think that mentioning mental illness as a reason that men “let themselves go” is a knock against men. I was thinking of the sort of downward spiral that a lot of people (especially men) go into during long-term unemployment–which does seem to be especially psychologically hard for men. (In my limited experience, it takes a lot more to get a woman to stop bathing and brushing her teeth than it takes for a man to stop bathing and brushing his teeth–a woman who does that is in a much more troubled state than a man who does the same things.)

Of course a lot of men find themselves getting fat from certain lines of work that involve long hours and lots of time driving-for example police or truck drivers. So, there are lifestyle issues for men, too.

LM, does that make you happy?

“If SOMEONE (any human) “lets themselves go” it may be mental illness or a lack of time/money”

That ks no predjudice. And is a fair assessment.

If

“If one group “lets themselves go” they are crazy”

And

“If the other “lets themselves go” they lack time/money (because never is this group “at fault like the other”)”

Then that is predjudice.

According to your logic as often presented and most clear here, if a man is a fat slob and discusting hygiene, he is so because he is mentally ill or a bad guy.

If a woman is the same, it is because she has an unfair life and needs catered to.

Both can be true for both = equality and fairness

One is true for one but not the other is the mark of sexism and explains alot of posts

 

[Xantippe]

“If SOMEONE (any human) “lets themselves go” it may be mental illness or a lack of time/money”

That ks no predjudice. And is a fair assessment.

If

“If one group “lets themselves go” they are crazy”

And

“If the other “lets themselves go” they lack time/money (because never is this group “at fault like the other”)”

Then that is predjudice.

According to your logic as often presented and most clear here, if a man is a fat slob and discusting hygiene, he is so because he is mentally ill or a bad guy.

If a woman is the same, it is because she has an unfair life and needs catered to.

Both can be true for both = equality and fairness

One is true for one but not the other is the mark of sexism and explains alot of posts

Pretty much everybody can get fat given a poor lifestyle situation (example: in the US poverty is closely associated with obesity).

However, the particular poor lifestyle situations are often driven pretty closely by gender–there are more women who can’t take care of themselves because they are with small children all day for years, there are more men who are long-haul truck drivers eating convenience store food day after day year after year, etc. These are not perfectly unisex situations.