Question for men

  • Thread starter Thread starter Witkey
  • Start date Start date
Status
Not open for further replies.
W

Witkey

Guest
My sister was with a man for 15 years and had 4 children. They never married. She became a Christian, and they drifted apart, since he’s an atheist. Plus, he’s never been the father he should have been. She is now trying to recover from this and will eventually look for a more meaningful, Christian relationship. In the process, however, someone said to her that the next man will never be able to love her children like his own. Do you feel this is true?
 
This should be titled “Question for stepfathers” since other men don’t have the experience necessary to be able to answer
 
Not sure why you are only interested in hearing from men, but anyway, I don’t think that is true. There are lots of men that accept children as their own. Tell not to listen to people like the person that made that dumb comment.
 
Witkey said:
My sister was with a man for 15 years and had 4 children. They never married. She became a Christian, and they drifted apart, since he’s an atheist. Plus, he’s never been the father he should have been. She is now trying to recover from this and will eventually look for a more meaningful, Christian relationship. In the process, however, someone said to her that the next man will never be able to love her children like his own. Do you feel this is true?
Click to expand...
No, it’s not true. If she finds the right man that marries her for not just her, but also her kids; she will be fine.

Step fathers are more than capable of loving their step children.

But if a divorced woman simply settles for someone who is not the right fit, then yes, she might marry a person who won’t love her kids.

The key is to discern marriage and remember that the PRIMARY reason for a husband is to be a father to her kids.

God Bless
 
Last edited:
Completely untrue. Shame on someone for telling her this. My grandfather adopted my father, aunt, and uncle when he married my grandmother. And he was the greatest grandfather anyone could ever have. He absolutely doted on his adoptive family. And all we grandchildren. He lived for his family until the day he died.
 
She is interested in Catholicism, but I have just introduced it to her, as I myself have just recently started believing. I told her the beauty of marriage as seen by the Catholic Church. I think it sounded appealing to her along with the other sacraments. She sees the truth in the theology of the church.
 
Witkey said:
My sister was with a man for 15 years and had 4 children. They never married. She became a Christian, and they drifted apart, since he’s an atheist. Plus, he’s never been the father he should have been. She is now trying to recover from this and will eventually look for a more meaningful, Christian relationship. In the process, however, someone said to her that the next man will never be able to love her children like his own. Do you feel this is true?
Click to expand...
It is not true but it is difficult to find a man who will really love the step-children like his own, especially when his new babies will come. It is not impossible though to find a good man who will accept her and her children for what they are.

She has to be careful if she should remarry to be confident enough that the new husband would be at least the one she is looking for. Of course, she cannot guarantee anything in the long run but at least her reason for a marriage is not for marriage sake, if possible.
 
I was asking since she could get married in the Church for the first time, and it would be sacramental. And if she was never married like you said, it would even be easier
 
I run an “assisted family living” home in my city. It is a household similar to L’arche communities. I have lived with and have cared for the same 2 women with psychiatric disabilities for over 5 years 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. I also have 3 children. These women, who are 20 years my senior, both call me dad because of all of the trauma they suffered from their own fathers. My heart aches for these women in a similar way as my heart aches over my own children. I have come to love these women as I love my children, though a little bit different. It is very difficult to love those who are not your own as much as loving your own children sometimes, but nothing is impossible with God.
 
Last edited:
Is religion the reason they broke up? It’s a shame those kids can’t be with their biological dad.

As for your question, that depends on the guy. Also on whether the kids even accept him. It’s awfully hard to love someone who resents you as an imposter.
 
Last edited:
I actually have some experience with this. Kids are resilient. The younger they are, the more they are flexible about accepting a step dad. If the kids are 10/11 to the teen years, they are a little more reserved and typically have a ‘wait and see’ attitude. But if they love their mother and see the step dad, genuinely love their mom, they may no be overly affectionate, but they will generally be accepting of the step dad. AT least that is my experience.
 
A difficult question to answer I would think. Depends on the guy, the gal and the kids. It also happens I would think very gradually. How old the kids are might make a difference too. All kinds of different dynamics involved I would think. I hope things go well for your sister and her children.
 
Witkey said:
someone said to her that the next man will never be able to love her children like his own. Do you feel this is true?
Click to expand...
This is not true. Some men are able to love adopted children as strongly as they would children they had begotten.
 
I agree with many of the answers above. It depends upon the man, but if the man does not love her children then he is definitely not the right one for her. Her children are an integral part of who she is. Her prospective husband must accept that and love her and, through that love, her children because of that fact.

I know of a very devout Catholic man who married a woman with children while they both were about 40. The children were in their early teens and the man had been a father to them for almost the entirety of the five years they were dating (they had to wait for a really nasty anullment to go through).

It is entirely possible for this to happen.

I will be praying for you and your sister.

God Bless
Br. Ben, CRM
 
Last edited:
I have a slightly different perspective, but I think it’s perfectly okay if future stepfathers don’t “love their stepkids as their own,” because they aren’t their own. If I understand the OP correctly, these children’s father is still alive and no reason exists to believe that he will not continue to be a part of his children’s lives. If that’s the case, the mom in question should be looking for a man who will love her children as his step-children. He will be playing a supportive role in their lives and if he does a good job of that, he will be a positive influence in their lives. However, not every man (or wife, for that matter) is cut out for that job. It turns out that loving a child that is someone else’s can be a LOT harder than loving your own. It takes a whole new level of dedication and patience. It requires a WHOLE lot of self-sacrifice.
 
These kids have a father.

Another man may be a good role model, love the kids, but he will never be the father of these kids.
 
I think we should try to love as Christ loved us and ‘adopted’ us into His family. Basically, the new parent would be essentially ‘adopting’ them as his own. I know this isn’t something everyone can do, but I think we are called to love as He loves, and striving for that is important.
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
Back
Top