Question for other singles about pleasure

[chazk728]

Sometimes I find it hard to stop thinking about the fact that I’m missing out on the greatest pleasures in life, those of married life - emotional intimacy as well as sexual pleasure. I know that we are not to elevate temporary (or even long-lasting) pleasures above our relationship with God, but at least on this earth, it is hard to imagine a pleasure greater than married life. Perhaps married people will think that I have a distorted view of marriage - but that is hard to believe, because as a single I am confronted every day with the fact that my friends, my peers, my acquaintances can enjoy emotional and sexual intimacy that I cannot. I know it is selfish to think this way, but I’m having trouble convincing myself that I’m not missing out. How have other singles remained content with the single life? Is sexual pleasure not as great as I imagine it to be (I’ve never experienced it)? Every time I go to Confession, I have to confess envy instead of being grateful to God for his many blessings to me. Please help - thanks!!

 

[Onedayatatime]

Sometimes I find it hard to stop thinking about the fact that I’m missing out on the greatest pleasures in life, those of married life - emotional intimacy as well as sexual pleasure. I know that we are not to elevate temporary (or even long-lasting) pleasures above our relationship with God, but at least on this earth, it is hard to imagine a pleasure greater than married life. Perhaps married people will think that I have a distorted view of marriage - but that is hard to believe, because as a single I am confronted every day with the fact that my friends, my peers, my acquaintances can enjoy emotional and sexual intimacy that I cannot. I know it is selfish to think this way, but I’m having trouble convincing myself that I’m not missing out. How have other singles remained content with the single life? Is sexual pleasure not as great as I imagine it to be (I’ve never experienced it)? Every time I go to Confession, I have to confess envy instead of being grateful to God for his many blessings to me. Please help - thanks!!

Wow, that’s a hell of question. (Is it OK to use the word Hell in that context?)

Anyway, I would continue to pray. Marriage is great, or at least has been for me. 30 years with a wonderful wife, 4 kids, one grandchild. I have indeed been blessed. However, everyone finds peace and the love of God in different ways. Thank God for that, or we wouldn’t have nuns, priests and the myriad of others out there.

I don’t think you are selfish thinking you may be missing something you are obviously drawn to. Pray for guidance to bring you to the peace and love that God wants for you. And I guess a partner, but don’t jump at the first guy/girl you are presented with, there are a lot of frogs out there, and you will know when you have me the right one. Person not Frog that is…

 

[Rascalking]

For what it’s worth, I’m happily single and I simply don’t understand why people are so hung up on sex. It’s not an issue for me. I don’t get why people let it take over their lives.

I celebrate emotional intimacy with all of my friends,whom I love dearly. I don’t need to, ahem-have it go any further than that. Do I want to get married? Yes, but only when the time is right and with the right gal.

Perhaps you need to have other hobbies to keep you busy? I fish, hike, watch baseball, play video games, practice karate-the list goes on. Keep busy and maybe you won’t think about that other stuff.

Just an idea.

 

[Jay82]

For what it’s worth, I’m happily single and I simply don’t understand why people are so hung up on sex. It’s not an issue for me. I don’t get why people let it take over their lives.

I celebrate emotional intimacy with all of my friends,whom I love dearly. I don’t need to, ahem-have it go any further than that. Do I want to get married? Yes, but only when the time is right and with the right gal.

Perhaps you need to have other hobbies to keep you busy? I fish, hike, watch baseball, play video games, practice karate-the list goes on. Keep busy and maybe you won’t think about that other stuff.

Just an idea.

I agree with Rascalking 100%. I am single as well and enjoying it. I hope to find the right girl and married at some point, but it has no way stopped me from enjoying life and having fun. Whether I’m single or not I’ve had opportunities to do and experience some great things. I don’t feel like I am missing out on married life. Each person’s life is different. Just because someone gets married at 25 vs 30, doesn’t mean one person missed out on something for 5 years.

My advice is to stay busy and do things you enjoy. Continuously improve the person you are… have fun in life. Happiness will attract others and before you know it you will have met someone special.

 

[garyr]

Read chapter 2 at this link -
familyland.be/mercy/68-alone-with-god.html

It will help you to keep things in the proper perspective.

 

[Rascalking]

I agree with Rascalking 100%. I am single as well and enjoying it. I hope to find the right girl and married at some point, but it has no way stopped me from enjoying life and having fun. Whether I’m single or not I’ve had opportunities to do and experience some great things. I don’t feel like I am missing out on married life. Each person’s life is different. Just because someone gets married at 25 vs 30, doesn’t mean one person missed out on something for 5 years.

My advice is to stay busy and do things you enjoy. Continuously improve the person you are… have fun in life. Happiness will attract others and before you know it you will have met someone special.

Thanks dude. I actually love being single, for reasons listed in other threads. If I get married, great, I sure do want to some day. But for now, I’m having a blast just being me.

 

[Mayita30]

Sometimes I find it hard to stop thinking about the fact that I’m missing out on the greatest pleasures in life, those of married life - emotional intimacy as well as sexual pleasure. I know that we are not to elevate temporary (or even long-lasting) pleasures above our relationship with God, but at least on this earth, it is hard to imagine a pleasure greater than married life. Perhaps married people will think that I have a distorted view of marriage - but that is hard to believe, because as a single I am confronted every day with the fact that my friends, my peers, my acquaintances can enjoy emotional and sexual intimacy that I cannot. I know it is selfish to think this way, but I’m having trouble convincing myself that I’m not missing out. How have other singles remained content with the single life? Is sexual pleasure not as great as I imagine it to be (I’ve never experienced it)? Every time I go to Confession, I have to confess envy instead of being grateful to God for his many blessings to me. Please help - thanks!!

hey chazk728 …just want to let you know that Marriage does not guarantee HAPPINESS IN LIFE… You have to find happiness within you. You have to find contentment and happiness first as a single person before getting married! As what others said, try to look for different activities like hiking, playing sports, volunteering , helping elderly people etc… the more you focus in making people happy, the happier you will be.

Sexual Pleasure is over-rated by the media. I also think you should guard your senses: guard your sense of sight ( Make sure you watch decent films) and your sense of hearing(Avoid listening to modern music which always talks about sexual pleasure)…

There’s nothing wrong with being single.Each stage in life is a memorable one.Be happy and keep in mind that you are not missing anything! If you think that you are called to the marriage vocation, just continue to pray for it! God bless

 

[Rascalking]

hey chazk728 …just want to let you know that Marriage does not guarantee HAPPINESS IN LIFE… You have to find happiness within you. You have to find contentment and happiness first as a single person before getting married! As what others said, try to look for different activities like hiking, playing sports, volunteering , helping elderly people etc… the more you focus in making people happy, the happier you will be.

Sexual Pleasure is over-rated by the media. I also think you should guard your senses: guard your sense of sight ( Make sure you watch decent films) and your sense of hearing(Avoid listening to modern music which always talks about sexual pleasure)…

There’s nothing wrong with being single.Each stage in life is a memorable one.Be happy and keep in mind that you are not missing anything! If you think that you are called to the marriage vocation, just continue to pray for it! God bless

Brillant post. I agree with everything you said. It’s a good day for agreement!

 

[chazk728]

Hey everyone, these are great posts! I like hiking, backpacking, going to the gym, snowboarding, listening to music, watching good movies, hanging out with my friends - plus I’m in medical school so there are opportunities to help people. I’m also trying to pray more, and especially pray to discern and accept God’s will for my life. His will may not be that I marry anytime soon - but you are right about needing to live life now and enjoy it as best I can. Thanks for all your responses!

 

[Miserys_Fence]

I’m coming from a different place: I was married, widowed young, then met my soulmate, was engaged, then he passed away too.

I consider myself unbelievably fortunate to have had 2 such wonderful, fulfilling loves in my life. But I also know that I’ll never have anything even close to that again, and I’ll never again be satisfied with anything less. Therefore, I’m happy and content to be single.

Since I won’t marry again, I’m hoping to join a convent when my children are on their own.

Miz

 

[CDelphine]

Hi chazk728 – I totally hear ya! I sometimes feel the same way, but not as often as I did, say, 15 years ago. I’m 40 yo single woman. Things changed for me when I began to be very honest and clear with myself and the people around me about my desire for marriage (and all that comes with it), as well as my regard for and defense of marriage in society.
For example, when my aunts, uncles or other relatives say, “When are you going to get married???,” I used to become very insulted and frustrated. Now my answer is, “Oh aunty, I would love to be married, so if you know a good man who’s free to marry in the Church, let me know!!” I don’t say it to shut them up or anything, but most of the single men they know are NOT free to marry in the church, so they begin to see the situation i’m in…
As for the envy – I know this one very well! It’s true that it’s important to have a full life and to develop one’s gifts and interests. But beyond that, what has been good for me is to cultivate the aspects of myself which would make me a good wife and mother. In other words, to cultivate my femininity. For example, i really am not that crazy about cooking. And since I’m only responsible for feeding myself, I can get away with not cooking very much. But I have found lately that cooking a meal for a friend can be so rewarding! It satisfied something in me that I didn’t even know I had!!
Now it may never happen – I may never be married or have children – but I do have more peace of mind knowing that I’m on the path to becoming a better woman.
God Bless you in your journey!
CDelphine

 

[Norseman82]

hey chazk728 …just want to let you know that Marriage does not guarantee HAPPINESS IN LIFE… You have to find happiness within you. You have to find contentment and happiness first as a single person before getting married! As what others said, try to look for different activities like hiking, playing sports, volunteering , helping elderly people etc… the more you focus in making people happy, the happier you will be.

Sexual Pleasure is over-rated by the media. I also think you should guard your senses: guard your sense of sight ( Make sure you watch decent films) and your sense of hearing(Avoid listening to modern music which always talks about sexual pleasure)…

There’s nothing wrong with being single.Each stage in life is a memorable one.Be happy and keep in mind that you are not missing anything! If you think that you are called to the marriage vocation, just continue to pray for it! God bless

If one has to wait until they are happy and content as a single then there would be few if any marriages. Either it would be a bar so high that few if any people could achieve it, or it means that you can handle lifelong celibacy and you should start checking out seminaries or convents.

This “keep busy with hobbies” etc. only distracts from the problem for so long. After a while it gets old. It’s like a stomach growling from hunger - you can distract it for only so long. Some of youse that have posted are in your 20’s and early 30s. Wait until you are in your 40s and beyond and see people your own age with children and grandchildren and feel the pain that rips at your gut. Trust me, I speak from experience.

 

[shelby2014]

Yes, the hobbies is a good idea to help, but there are two problems. One I find is that after a long day of being involved in something hobbyish, I find myself facing the blunt reality that the only reason I did it was to distract myself from being alone. Then I have to go home to an empty house.

The other problem is that you want someone to share them with! I don’t mind travelling alone - I kind of enjoy it, but every tiime I go to a REALLY cool place, I think, “This would have been a great place to take a husband or family.” Yeah yeah yeah, I could go back when I’m married, but I’m not made of money!

I don’t know how to help with the coping thing - since I became “on the market” years ago, there has only been about a year-long period in which I was not desperately wanting to date or get married and wondering what was wrong with me. However, that all ended when I met my current boyfriend.

I have heard a good saying, though, “If you want to serve God best, be single. If you want to be like God, get married.” Both vocations have their purposes.

 

[Norseman82]

Yes, the hobbies is a good idea to help, but there are two problems. One I find is that after a long day of being involved in something hobbyish, I find myself facing the blunt reality that the only reason I did it was to distract myself from being alone. Then I have to go home to an empty house.

Not only that, but if you’re the only single person among the people doing your hobby and have to listen to everyone else carrying on about their kids, it only reminds you more of your singleness instead of distracting from it.

Again, it may not be so bad in your 20s, but wait untl you get into your 40s.

 

[shelby2014]

It’s bad in the 20’s…

Either my peers have married right out of college (so for several years now) or they are the kind of people who just want to party and have fun and not think about marriage. Either way, I’m the outcast. I want to live a responsible life but not be the only one not married.

 

[doughnut]

well, i grew up with a strong desire to remain single. and there was also the other problem that i had to deal with my ‘gender identity crisis’ whereby i have this strong desire to be of another gender that i was not born to. it wasnt easy to reconcile with myself until i came to church, and I am slowly adapting myself and see myself in a different light. i dont know yet if im actually prepared to get married, but at least i do not fear it. but meanwhile i rather enjoyed my singlehood, as i have more time to do many things that i think must be done.

 

[chazk728]

well, i grew up with a strong desire to remain single. and there was also the other problem that i had to deal with my ‘gender identity crisis’ whereby i have this strong desire to be of another gender that i was not born to. it wasnt easy to reconcile with myself until i came to church, and I am slowly adapting myself and see myself in a different light. i dont know yet if im actually prepared to get married, but at least i do not fear it. but meanwhile i rather enjoyed my singlehood, as i have more time to do many things that i think must be done.

Hey doughnut, I imagine that is a heavy cross to bear. Fr. Benedict Groeschel has talked briefly about his conversations with those struggling with gender identity and the pain it entails. Be proud of yourself for going on with faith - and it’s awesome that you are enjoying being single right now!

 

[chazk728]

Wait until you are in your 40s and beyond and see people your own age with children and grandchildren and feel the pain that rips at your gut. Trust me, I speak from experience.

Norseman, it’s interesting that you say it gets worse with age. I’ve talked to a few older singles who said they went through a period of pain in their 20’s when everyone around them was getting married, but that it actually got easier with age because they came to accept their lives over time (and they also saw many their age divorce as well). I’m in my mid-20’s now, and I guess I hope it gets easier because I don’t see myself marrying.

What I will say is that this journey has led me closer to Christ. When human beings fail us, when we finally learn that we cannot organize our lives on our own despite how hard we try, I think it is then that we realize only God provides enduring peace. I’m at least hoping that I will come to live this and feel this over time.

 

[kelvinf]

Nice thread and nice answers so far.
Sexual pleasures are normal but we singles have to understand that they are meant for married people.
I have started reading a lot about Sex, Marriage and Relationships and there are just a lot of good books out there written by Catholic Apologists.

No man can live without delight, and that is why a man deprived of spiritual joy goes to carnal pleasures – St. Thomas Aquinas.

So if we have spiritual joy, carnal pleasure wouldn’t be an issue.

In the gospel a couple of days ago Jesus said (John 15:9-11)

As the Father loves me, so I also love you. Remain in my love.
If you keep my commandments, you will remain in my love, just as I have kept my Father’s commandments and remain in his love.
"I have told you this so that my joy may be in you and your joy may be complete.

If we lack that joy, then it means our joy is not complete and for our joy to be complete, we have to obey the commandments and remain in Christ’s love

 

[doughnut]

Hey doughnut, I imagine that is a heavy cross to bear. Fr. Benedict Groeschel has talked briefly about his conversations with those struggling with gender identity and the pain it entails. Be proud of yourself for going on with faith - and it’s awesome that you are enjoying being single right now!

Thank you.