Question for women-how do i deal with this situation?

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3DOCTORS said:
This is going to sound as if I’m going against the more spiritual approach but I don’t intend it that way. I think all the spiritual advice given is valid. However, I also would like to suggest that maybe sometimes we get in a rut, start thinking of ourselves as dowdy or over the hill, and maybe what we need is to shake things up a bit. I’ve been known, when stressed and depressed, to “let myself go” as some would say, and go through some weeks or even months of looking at my face in the mirror, seeing a blah face, blah hair, blah clothes, going “Blah!” and then letting that be an end of it.

Then there’ll come a time when either I decide to make myself “snap out of it” because I’m SO tired of the “blah” approach - or else I’ll have something happen that makes me feel more joy in life and I’ll want to reflect that more in my appearance. So I’ll start playing with my hair, makeup, clothes a little bit. It doesn’t even necessarily require any immediate outlay of money - just a different attitude. The only thing that might for me is hair color since I went grey rapidly over the last few years and I’m not ready for that to be my permanent look for probably another 20 years! :bigyikes:

So I guess I’m saying, discover some easy and fun ways to tweak your appearance that you enjoy doing, and don’t compare yourself to others because that will take the fun back out of it. I think you’ll find that you don’t feel so “less than” after trying this for awhile.
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Yeah,comparing to others really does suck the fun out of it because then i have to try to achieve their “level”…
 
aicirt said:
You asked how to deal with the situation when you find yourself less than what you were.

You assess yourself. Anyone can be well groomed. Get your hair done. Let the beautician work her magic. Get your make-up done. Get a pedicure and a manicure or do those yourself every week.

Google Tim Gunn (think that is his name from PROJECT RUNNWAY). He gives a whole list of things women should not wear and what they should wear. Even those models wear a Spanx.

Some of the shows on TV are very interesting where the women are totally taken out of their weird outfits and made-over. Can’t believe it is the same person. And they’ve wasted so much time being dowdy.

When you look good, you feel good. When you feel good, you look happy and people like to be around happy people. And it is fun. There is an art to it and it takes time but it is fun to learn something new. For instance: as you age, you lose color. I can’t wear black next to my face. Very draining same with brown. Don’t fear color. 👍
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Lol,i don’t dress dowdy.
 
Evania said:
This brings to mind something I read years ago. Awhile back there was a publication asking subscribers to nominate someone who they considered the most beautiful woman they know. They were taken aback when among all the pictures sent in of beautiful women, they also received in the mail a picture of an old woman who was grinning broadly, revealing that she was missing some teeth. Along with the picture they found a note from a young boy, written with the help of his mother. He explained that he wanted to nominate his grandmother, as she was the most beautiful woman in the world.

There is no denying that physical beauty is appealing to admire. However, there is a spiritual dimension to beauty as well. Case in point: Have you ever seen a physically attractive person and discovered that they have done something horrible and repulsive to you or to another person? I worked with such a woman. She destroyed so many reputations through malicious gossiping. Although, yes, she was physically attractive, it just seemed to color her “ugly”.

On the other hand, I look at Mother Teresa. She had no outward beauty to speak of; however, for me personally, I saw a real beauty shine through her that made her attractive despite her age. I’m not just saying this. I’m sure there are others that have noticed this in people who are full of love toward their neighbor.
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If only grown men remained like that small boy…
I agree about Mother Theresa,truly a remarkable woman and thanks for reminding me.
I just wish more people would consider her as the true type of beauty that matters…
 
Beautiful women look boring to me, like they’re all from the same Barbie mold. I feel kind of sorry for them, as they have no character in their faces. They may be lovely people, but when young, they haven’t had time to let it show in their faces.
My favorite people are mostly older women who are plain or even homely, but I never notice. What attracts me is the kindness in their eyes and speech.
Real men, I’m sure, are attracted to holiness and kindness as well.

.
 
Serenity Prayer

“God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change.
The courage to accept the things I can
And, the wisdom to know the difference.”

Make a list of all the things about yourself you could change–if you wanted to–. If you are so motivated, set about doing that. For example, weight. Are you over weight, is it hindering your health, should you be taking better care of your body-- work on it. Makeup tricks? New hairdo? etc. Take good care of yourself, it is most attractive.

If you don’t mind sharing, I’d be most interested in how old you are; if you are married to someone who sees you differently; or are seeking marriage and don’t feel your looks will help you attract someone?

Remember: beauty is in the eye of the beholder. If you ever watch a show like “Say Yes to the Dress,” at the end, they show the groom. So often, by Hollywood standards, neither he, nor she, are Leading men or women. Yet, to these two people, they have found the most beautiful/handsome person on the planet.

I think much of your dissatisfaction is coming from within your own perceptions and not the world’s. What do you think?sheilph2@aol.com
 
Elena321 said:
I dont mean just non pretty-i mean ‘really ugly’.
Ok,maybe even “highly ugly” women get married but then their husbands are always checking out pretty girls and if that was my situation i would feel so hurt,worthless,inadequate etc and i would rather be single for ever that live in a situation like that.
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I’m no Miss America (but not “ugly” either), and I think my husband is considerably more attractive than I am. My husband has never, not even once in the ten years we’ve been together, “checked out” another woman. He may notice someone attractive, but it’s a passing glance and that’s it, which is rather normal I think. I have no reason to believe he’s any different when I’m not around- that’s just who he is.

Most men are highly attracted to confidence. There is a lot of good advice in this thread- it sounds like you’d benefit from some counseling to help you see yourself differently as well as learn how to deal with your family’s comments and set some boundaries.

Oh, and you mentioned in your OP that “they say even babies respond more to beautiful women”. I guarantee you that most babies respond more to their mothers, regardless of what they look like. It seems that a lot of what you fear isn’t grounded in reality.
 
Lorelei12 said:
I’m no Miss America (but not “ugly” either), and I think my husband is considerably more attractive than I am. My husband has never, not even once in the ten years we’ve been together, “checked out” another woman. He may notice someone attractive, but it’s a passing glance and that’s it, which is rather normal I think. I have no reason to believe he’s any different when I’m not around- that’s just who he is.
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I’m also an at-best average woman and I suspect that by conventional standards, my husband is probably better looking than me.

We have been married 17 years and I have literally never seen him ogling another woman.
 
All women are beautiful and have beautiful attributes. Each one of us is a beautiful creation of God. So take heart, OP - you are beautiful.

Society is obsessed with youth however women grow more beautiful as they age. 30 is the new 20, 40 is the new 30, etc.
 
Somehow, I doubt the husband of Sonali Mukherrjee Tiwari is checking out other women in front of his wife:

mirror.co.uk/news/world-news/sonali-mukherjee-tiwari-disfigured-acid-attack-5541832

Note this guy isn’t even a Christian, and I suspect Sonali’s community is much more misogynist when it comes to women than the OPs.

I guess you could be cynical and state “Well this lady seems to be a Reality TV star in India, the man has ulterior motives to marry her”.

But I can link other, similar stories of men marrying women who are beyond “really ugly” and go into “disfigured” territory because of burns, birth defects, etc.

womansday.com.au/real-life/true-life-stories/meet-turia-pitts-future-husband-michael-hosking-13203

radaronline.com/exclusives/2011/08/facially-disfigured-woman-debbie-hanson-true-love-married-lee-hanson/

I wouldn’t be as bold as presume that men in this situation are never tempted to look at conventionally pretty women, but I get the feeling it really is more about the man’s integrity than the wife’s looks. Hollywood stars and other celebrities often stray, even if they’re married to women most consider gorgeous. Tiger Woods, for example. Sometimes even with women who are NOT as pretty as their wives, like the former governor of California.
 
TK421 said:
Some might be more sensitive than me, but I think it really, really takes a lot for a person to be unpleasant to look at. There are varying degrees of attractive people and then there are “plain” people.

I’m going to attempt to use math to comfort you. There are roughly as many homely women in the world as homely men. Being homely won’t keep you from marriage, love & children, and it even forces you to focus more on the enduring aspects of a healthy marriage. What are stray comments by acquaintances compared to that?

Know who goes through the most divorces? Tall, dark men and Barbie-doll women.
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Just check out those Hollywood marriages.
 
Lorelei12 said:
I’m no Miss America (but not “ugly” either), and I think my husband is considerably more attractive than I am. My husband has never, not even once in the ten years we’ve been together, “checked out” another woman. He may notice someone attractive, but it’s a passing glance and that’s it, which is rather normal I think. I have no reason to believe he’s any different when I’m not around- that’s just who he is.

Most men are highly attracted to confidence. There is a lot of good advice in this thread- it sounds like you’d benefit from some counseling to help you see yourself differently as well as learn how to deal with your family’s comments and set some boundaries.

Oh, and you mentioned in your OP that “they say even babies respond more to beautiful women”. I guarantee you that most babies respond more to their mothers, regardless of what they look like. It seems that a lot of what you fear isn’t grounded in reality.
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I think both women and men are attracted to people who are at ease and at peace with themselves.
 
Irishmom2 said:
It sounds like you are reading a lot into things that are not necessarily even true. Not all men are checking out pretty girls. You are also accusing your parents of maybe talking behind your back.

Sounds like this may be all in your mind. I would suggest you get some counseling to raise your self esteem. I am not even believing that you are “really ugly” either…
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That was uncalled for/uncharitable.
Obviously,its affecting my self esteem but its not “all in my mind”.
Im not suggesting my parents are bad people (far from it they are verrry good people) or that they would intentionally hurt me by saying things behind my back but rather that they do these things/words unconsciously due to our culture and dont see how it might affect someone more sensitive.

My mother refers to women she considers “ugly” on TV as (in our language word) witches…so it not in my imagination:rolleyes:

Whether im really ugly now or super plain is the same as far as im considered-either way a woman is invisible either one.
 
GrandmaLaLa said:
Serenity Prayer

“God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change.
The courage to accept the things I can
And, the wisdom to know the difference.”

Make a list of all the things about yourself you could change–if you wanted to–. If you are so motivated, set about doing that. For example, weight. Are you over weight, is it hindering your health, should you be taking better care of your body-- work on it. Makeup tricks? New hairdo? etc. Take good care of yourself, it is most attractive.

If you don’t mind sharing, I’d be most interested in how old you are; if you are married to someone who sees you differently; or are seeking marriage and don’t feel your looks will help you attract someone?

Remember: beauty is in the eye of the beholder. If you ever watch a show like “Say Yes to the Dress,” at the end, they show the groom. So often, by Hollywood standards, neither he, nor she, are Leading men or women. Yet, to these two people, they have found the most beautiful/handsome person on the planet.

I think much of your dissatisfaction is coming from within your own perceptions and not the world’s. What do you think?sheilph2@aol.com
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35,and seeking marriage and dont feel my looks will attract.
Ive never seen that show as i’m not in America but I just found it on Youtube and watched two episodes and they were all pretty girls compared to me:(
Im not hugely overweight but still much more then before,maybe being equivalent to UK size 12-14 (sorry don’t know america sizes).
My main problem is my face…it has dropped and misshapen very early (35) and when this happens makeup does little for you because that “canvas” to work with has gone:(
Even on Makeover shows you see they pick people who are just wearing dumpy clothes,or unstyled/uncut hair,or poor teeth because they know they can get a dramatic result with them (good blank canvases).
They never (or rarely) pick people with dramatically sagging or mishappen faces because they know no matter how much makeup they use or nice hair-it has little or no effect…
 
That’s a US size 10-12. Pretty svelte for a mid-30-something in the US.

I feel like your self-esteem would improve radically if you spent a few hours in Walmart.
Elena321 said:
35,and seeking marriage and dont feel my looks will attract.
Ive never seen that show as i’m not in America but I just found it on Youtube and watched two episodes and they were all pretty girls compared to me:(
Im not hugely overweight but still much more then before,maybe being equivalent to UK size 12-14 (sorry don’t know america sizes).
My main problem is my face…it has dropped and misshapen very early (35) and when this happens makeup does little for you because that “canvas” to work with has gone:(
Even on Makeover shows you see they pick people who are just wearing dumpy clothes,or unstyled/uncut hair,or poor teeth because they know they can get a dramatic result with them (good blank canvases).
They never (or rarely) pick people with dramatically sagging or mishappen faces because they know no matter how much makeup they use or nice hair-it has little or no effect…
Click to expand...
 
Lorelei12 said:
I’m no Miss America (but not “ugly” either), and I think my husband is considerably more attractive than I am. My husband has never, not even once in the ten years we’ve been together, “checked out” another woman. He may notice someone attractive, but it’s a passing glance and that’s it, which is rather normal I think. I have no reason to believe he’s any different when I’m not around- that’s just who he is.

Most men are highly attracted to confidence. There is a lot of good advice in this thread- it sounds like you’d benefit from some counseling to help you see yourself differently as well as learn how to deal with your family’s comments and set some boundaries.

Oh, and you mentioned in your OP that “they say even babies respond more to beautiful women”. I guarantee you that most babies respond more to their mothers, regardless of what they look like. It seems that a lot of what you fear isn’t grounded in reality.
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Thanks this response means alot to me.
Does not husband talk about other womens beauty though,perhaps not with you but with other men?
The views here from “real people” are much more valuable then lining a counsellors pockets.
The baby thing doesn’t really matter to me,i was just quoting from this study:
newscientist.com/article/dn6355-babies-prefer-to-gaze-upon-beautiful-faces/

If going from this study,it appears that the love of beauty is inate,but that perceptions of ideal body type is cultural/conditioned.

My fears are definately grounded somewhat in reality because if it was just my perception then why does even Mother Mary (pictures etc) have to be depicted as a woman of great external physical beauty?
 
I would shoot for maintaining good health and good spirits around people who share your core values. When you’re healthy and happy with yourself, you will inoculate yourself against some of the less appealing values of our culture. Beauty is lovely, yes, but the things that matter more are those values and traits we cultivate through experience, sacrifice, and persistence.
 
GreyWings said:
All women are beautiful and have beautiful attributes. Each one of us is a beautiful creation of God. So take heart, OP - you are beautiful.

Society is obsessed with youth however women grow more beautiful as they age. 30 is the new 20, 40 is the new 30, etc.
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Thanks.
 
ToeInTheWater said:
Somehow, I doubt the husband of Sonali Mukherrjee Tiwari is checking out other women in front of his wife:

mirror.co.uk/news/world-news/sonali-mukherjee-tiwari-disfigured-acid-attack-5541832

Note this guy isn’t even a Christian, and I suspect Sonali’s community is much more misogynist when it comes to women than the OPs.

I guess you could be cynical and state “Well this lady seems to be a Reality TV star in India, the man has ulterior motives to marry her”.

But I can link other, similar stories of men marrying women who are beyond “really ugly” and go into “disfigured” territory because of burns, birth defects, etc.

womansday.com.au/real-life/true-life-stories/meet-turia-pitts-future-husband-michael-hosking-13203

radaronline.com/exclusives/2011/08/facially-disfigured-woman-debbie-hanson-true-love-married-lee-hanson/

I wouldn’t be as bold as presume that men in this situation are never tempted to look at conventionally pretty women, but I get the feeling it really is more about the man’s integrity than the wife’s looks. Hollywood stars and other celebrities often stray, even if they’re married to women most consider gorgeous. Tiger Woods, for example. Sometimes even with women who are NOT as pretty as their wives, like the former governor of California.
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What a horrible and beautiful story the first link and last link is,thankyou.
I hope so much that he is sincere and marrying her from true reasons.

At the risk of sounding insensitive and i worry/hope this isn’t taken a bad way,Turia Pitts story do not touch me personally the same way, partly because she attracted her boyfriend before the disfigurement (but still he’s honourable for staying after) but also because even thought her face is burnt,she still has retained normal face (cheekbone) structure and is still facially attractive in spite of the burns.
I don’t necessary see a person in this situation as being worse off/less attractive then a person who has not suffered burns but face has sagged/aged dramatically.
Ive linked photos of people with saggy faces for example below (not my face but other examples,i’ll remove the photos later today),in my view some of these people look worse then Turia Pitt.

makemeheal.com/video/uservideo/AP1974/100_0298.jpg
realself.com/review/scottsdale-az-facelift-52-year-mirror#media-review-2010133-image-1128492
realself.com/review/houston-tx-facelift-60#media-review-2022582-image-1074245
realself.com/review/scottsdale-az-facelift-46-year-refreshing#media-review-1909486-image-1052546

The persons with the sagging face not suffer the stares of others,but they are instead treated as invisibles.

I agree that beauty is not a guarantee from being cheated (eg:Arnold Schwarzennegers “opportunistic” cheating,Tiger Woods serial cheater) but i still feel that your more likely to be cheated on if your “ugly/plain” woman.
 
I don’t know if it will make you feel any better, but I have often heard men talk about the women “that you date”–meaning the ones who put all sorts of time into their looks–and contrasting them to the women “that you marry”–meaning the ones who are too sensible, useful, and attractive in the long-lasting sense to spend that much time obsessing about themselves.

I would echo those who say that a gentle disposition and a ready smile make anyone more beautiful, whereas being easily offended or easily becoming downcast makes a person less attractive to be around.

“Your adornment should not be an external one: braiding the hair, wearing gold jewelry, or dressing in fine clothes, but rather the hidden character of the heart, expressed in the imperishable beauty of a gentle and calm disposition, which is precious in the sight of God.” 1 Pet. 3:3-4

*And while thou liv’st, dear Kate, take a fellow of plain and uncoined constancy, for he perforce must do thee right because he hath not the gift to woo in other places. For these fellows of infinite tongue, that can rhyme themselves into ladies’ favors, they do always reason themselves out again. What? A speaker is but a prater, a rhyme is but a ballad, a good leg will fall, a straight back will stoop, a black beard will turn white, a curled pate will grow bald, a fair face will wither, a full eye will wax hollow, but a good heart, Kate, is the sun and the moon, or rather the sun and not the moon, for it shines bright and never changes but keeps his course truly. If thou would have such a one, take me. *Shakespeare, Henry V

I used to also have a quote I was fond of, purportedly coming from a grandmother to a grandchild who thought she’d/he’d never find anyone: Oh, now, you only have to find one, and there isn’t a scraggly horse in this world but that you can find a scraggly bush to tie it to.

If you are happy just making yourself as pleasant to be around as you can, the chances aren’t slight that there is someone else who is in the same boat–“a man of uncoined constancy.” If you don’t attract a man with your looks, after all, you won’t have to worry about losing him when you lose yours and he doesn’t lose his. Women who know they are immensely beautiful do have that concern always dogging them.
 
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