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Elena321
Guest
I wish lol.
I’ve never heard say to a girl in a bar “I just came up to you because you appear at ease with yourself”
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I’ve never heard say to a girl in a bar “I just came up to you because you appear at ease with yourself”
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underacloud
Guest
I’ve never known anyone who has met their future spouse in a bar.
(I’m sure it occasionally does happen)
I have known lots of people who have met their future spouse through church, through mutual friends, through work, or even through online dating. In all of these scenarios, you have ample opportunity to move beyond first impressions and mere physical appearance, so a positive, confident personality can offset what you perceive to be weaknesses.
I’m clearly not the only one in this thread who suspects that your lack of self-confidence is far more likely to be a problem for you than how you look. Of course, self-confidence is a hard thing to simply conjur up, but there are things you can do; things that thave been suggested already. And then there’s the old saying about self-confidence, which has plenty of merit - sometimes you need to fake it until you make it.
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Elena321
Guest
I’m aware i lack confidence,but i also think confidence is overrated.
Many women where is am are not only attractive,but nice and kind as well with good personalities plus health focussed etc.
So the men where i am are used to this around them,so when a plain girl walks by but has an air of high confidence the men still don’t notice her.
Confidence might work for a woman who lives in an area that is not full of attractive women or an area where the attractive women are superficial/vain/full of self but where i am there are many girls the"whole package" (pretty,nice etc).
Of course there are some self obsessed or unkind ones too.
There rarely are single men around my age in Church here unfortunately.
Oh,by bar i mean upmarket one not “sleazy type” lol.
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underacloud
Guest
By bar I meant *any *type of bar.
This all screams pessimism and lack of self-confidence.
Either that, or your only hope of happiness is to move away from this magical place filled with so many beautiful, nice, kind, healthy women. (if I weren’t happily married, I’d definitely want to know where this magical land is).
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Lorelei12
Guest
My baby may prefer to look at someone more beautiful than I am for a few seconds, but I’m willing to bet that I’d get a bigger smile or a laugh out of him than anyone else.
And no, my husband actually is not the kind of guy that goes around discussing other women’s attractiveness. He’s just not that type of guy, and although I suppose I can’t be 100% certain that he doesn’t morph into a jerk when he’s with his friends without me, I suspect he’s generally the same guy everywhere he goes. That’s one of the many reasons I married him. Also, I think those types of conversations tend to die down when all of your friends are married and start to have kids- I have noticed this happen. Some of his friends used to openly “admire” women and I have noticed that as we all have gotten older there really isn’t any of that anymore. Frankly, it’s boring conversation and high-schoolish, and everyone is more mature now.
You need to believe that there are actually men out there who love their wives and, though they may notice someone attractive walking down the street or on TV, they don’t actually dwell on other beautiful women in the way that you imagine. Perhaps your family and/or culture has led you to believe otherwise, but they are wrong.
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Lorelei12
Guest
I’m wondering where this place is, too. I’ve never heard of a culture where nearly everyone is attractive, excepting a select few. I’m genuinely curious.
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Xantippe
Guest
Walmart is a large US store famous for large and heavily-tattooed shoppers.
(In the interests of full-disclosure, I have to mention that I am also occasionally a large Walmart shopper.)
You’d look like a supermodel at Walmart.
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Burt_Macklin
Guest
I’m guessing Norway. I lived there for a bit and I don’t know if I’ve ever seen an unattractive Norwegian.
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Xantippe
Guest
I’m betting Eastern Poland/Ukraine/Belarus (with Ukraine being my best bet), but the OP is free not to answer!
(I lived in Russia for a while.)
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Burt_Macklin
Guest
Yea, the differences between home and away can be quite striking.
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Maximilan_Kolbe
Guest
Or perhaps if you want to end the conversation:
Other person: Suzie is so pretty!
You: You think so?***
Other person: Zoe has such pretty eyes!
You: That’s about it, though.***
Nevermind, probably bad advice…
am only kidding
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EasterJoy
Guest
Confidence may be overrated, true, but the degree to which a pessimistic attitude can repel other people can hardly be overstated.
You seem to forget that there are men in your shoes, too, men who are shy, whose looks have had something inflicted on them by fate, or who are physically or socially awkward. They are surrounded by men that they think will be the ones who “get the girl” instead of them. They, too, would like to find someone to love and to be loved by. They are sometimes very good men who are intimidated by the number of times they could not get the time of day from a so-called “beautiful” woman. Some of them are nearly ready to give up. They may be successful in many ways, but exterior problems they are powerless to change has lead to everyone overlooking them as husband material.
With these fellows, you have one thing right: They may find a certain sort of self-confidence to be intimidating. Many people find certain sorts of obvious self-confidence as off-putting, too, because it seems like the person thinks “she’s all that and then some.” Fellows who have been rejected over and over, however, may need someone else to make the first move to let them know that they could be attractive to a woman. In other words, don’t be confident in yourself. Show some confidence in them.
I don’t mean “look at me” confidence, then. I mean warmth. I mean genuine caring about other people. I also mean a willingness to light up around fellows and to look them in the eye and treat them not just as a brother in Christ but as a man that some woman will obviously want to marry. When you talk to men with that countenance that says, “You are a man I’d say is marriage material,” it is enormously flattering and it makes you more attractive. Why? Because having someone validate you is attractive. Everyone knows that women like this, but guys are not immune to this, either, particularly if they’ve never had a woman treat them like this!
I do not mean overt flirting. I do mean really listening to what someone has to say, making favorable assumptions about them in the things you say in conversation, saying nice things about the way they look or something they’ve done, and so on. If you do this to really good men that all the “beautiful” women overlook because the guy isn’t “good enough” for exterior reasons beyond his control, you may find someone who is a very good fit for you. Of course he is going to care whether you take care of yourself or not, but he probably decided a long time ago that he would need to find someone willing to look past the exterior faults that make it hard for him to meet eligible women.
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EasterJoy
Guest
By the time you reach 35, staying at 10-12 US is pretty good–if you’re in the US. I think we carry around a lot more weight over here than anyone else on the planet. The other advantage you would have here is that you are 35 and don’t have an ex-husband. As I tell my nieces and nephews, you can divorce your spouse, but an ex is forever.35,and seeking marriage and dont feel my looks will attract…maybe being equivalent to UK size 12-14 (sorry don’t know america sizes).
My main problem is my face…it has dropped and misshapen very early (35) and when this happens makeup does little for you because that “canvas” to work with has gone…
Yes, you are right, make-up can be used to show you care, but you can’t go around with a mask on. You might have to be careful, however, to make an effort to actively smile more of the time than other people do. When your face has dropped, it can give your relaxed face the appearance of a perpetual frown, which would be forbidding to a stranger. Only models look good when they pout, and the older our face looks the more an optimistic facial expression is necessary to make it clear we don’t hate life. If you are going to look like someone that someone would enjoy going through life with, you’re going to have to go to the trouble of giving the outward impression that you enjoy life.
As for the comments made about other women, I think I’d suggest giving thanks that you are not on such a shaky pedestal. Once you gain something because you have a fleeting characteristic, you live in horror of losing the thing that you think got you to where you are. If you gain your fame as a “character actor,” though, you’ll have your place forever. The years just put more “character” on your face.
It is a lot of work to get past wanting to be the one chosen to for the tiara. I know what you mean. You’re not going to change the culture you live in, though. I think you deserve to at least be happy that, having not lived by the sword of beauty, you don’t have to fear dying by it. The appearance of youth is a fickle master, and one that will always run out on you eventually. You can master that abandonment, and you can be glad in the end that you did. It does happen.
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Elena321
Guest
Thanks.I hope i can find one
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Elena321
Guest
I should mention i’m not suggesting every woman look like “western notion of ideal/extreme beauty” (the supermodel) ,i just say attractive compared to me,like attractive,healthy complexion etc.
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Elena321
Guest
There is alot of good advice on this thread,thanks.
Part of the problem is that i did once have beauty but now its gone and i didn’t expect so soon…
I wish could change society focus on external beauty but unrealitistic.
Part of the problem is that i did once have beauty but now its gone and i didn’t expect so soon
…I wish could change society focus on external beauty but unrealitistic.
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Lorelei12
Guest
I think that happens to most of us.There is alot of good advice on this thread,thanks.
Part of the problem is that i did once have beauty but now its gone and i didn’t expect so soon
I wish could change society focus on external beauty but unrealitistic.
I used to be a very thin size 4 in college. I was much more “attractive” 10-15 years ago than I am today. Over the course of the several years I dated my husband, I gained more weight and became (in my opinion) less attractive. He married me anyway, and is still attracted to me.
Remember that if you’re seeking marriage, you only need to find ONE person. It doesn’t matter what everyone else looks like. Society does have a certain focus on external beauty, but not everyone cares what society thinks.
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Elena321
Guest
Why does this world have to be so looks obsessed?
Young and “older” everyone is focused on looks,complimenting others on looks,saying 60 is the new 40 etcetera.
This makes me feel so unattractive and so much pressure especially as I feel im aging quickly and prematurely at 35.
Everytime someone compliments on beauty or tells another they “look great for their age” there is someone else that is unwittingly receiving the message that they are unattractive,look bad for their age and are worthless because they are not still attractive.
Men used to look at me in the street but now I am just invisible.
In a way,a persons external is connected to their internal personality and people treat pretty people better because if you have a sweet face people think you are sweet.
People make assumptions about a person based on a persons external appearance.
As my looks have gone,so has my outgoing personality.
Regardless whether Facebook,magazines,or everyday “real life”-beauty focus and obsession is everywhere and impossible to escape it.
Why do people have to constantly compliment on beauty?
What objective are they trying to achieve?
Is it that they believe that person is now more worthwhile because they have achieved beauty/are attractive?
Sometimes people make statements like that women like the Kardashians(reality show) are shallow and empty because they are beauty obsessed,but in my view its not all their fault,they’re just simply reflecting a problem in our society as a whole-a society that is obsessed on appearances and values people as higher or lower base on external appearance.
Im quite sick of my parents “sizing up” my appearance when I visit them and my mother decided to comment on my hair last time stating that they “now had products at the chemist that could fix my long frizzy (in her opinion) hair”.
In her wordview it was no doubt an innocent comment but in mine it hurts because they have never said anything positive or ever said I was pretty.
I was attractive when younger but even with children that are not classically attractive their parents still often tell them they are pretty because to the parents they are pretty because a parent should be bias because they are their children.
But mine never told me I was pretty and still certainly don’t now.
Does anyone have any advise how to not feel unattractive and sad when I have become unattractive and surrounded by a family and world that over fosuses on looks?
Young and “older” everyone is focused on looks,complimenting others on looks,saying 60 is the new 40 etcetera.
This makes me feel so unattractive and so much pressure especially as I feel im aging quickly and prematurely at 35.
Everytime someone compliments on beauty or tells another they “look great for their age” there is someone else that is unwittingly receiving the message that they are unattractive,look bad for their age and are worthless because they are not still attractive.
Men used to look at me in the street but now I am just invisible.
In a way,a persons external is connected to their internal personality and people treat pretty people better because if you have a sweet face people think you are sweet.
People make assumptions about a person based on a persons external appearance.
As my looks have gone,so has my outgoing personality.
Regardless whether Facebook,magazines,or everyday “real life”-beauty focus and obsession is everywhere and impossible to escape it.
Why do people have to constantly compliment on beauty?
What objective are they trying to achieve?
Is it that they believe that person is now more worthwhile because they have achieved beauty/are attractive?
Sometimes people make statements like that women like the Kardashians(reality show) are shallow and empty because they are beauty obsessed,but in my view its not all their fault,they’re just simply reflecting a problem in our society as a whole-a society that is obsessed on appearances and values people as higher or lower base on external appearance.
Im quite sick of my parents “sizing up” my appearance when I visit them and my mother decided to comment on my hair last time stating that they “now had products at the chemist that could fix my long frizzy (in her opinion) hair”.
In her wordview it was no doubt an innocent comment but in mine it hurts because they have never said anything positive or ever said I was pretty.
I was attractive when younger but even with children that are not classically attractive their parents still often tell them they are pretty because to the parents they are pretty because a parent should be bias because they are their children.
But mine never told me I was pretty and still certainly don’t now.
Does anyone have any advise how to not feel unattractive and sad when I have become unattractive and surrounded by a family and world that over fosuses on looks?
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CthgeDelendaEst
Guest
OP, this is possibly going to sound harsh. I apologize in advance.
What, if I may ask, were you doing in your late teens and through your twenties, when per your own statement you were much more physically attractive? Unless you spent those years cloistered in a nunnery, I have to assume you were active in the dating market. How many suitors did you reject because you had “plenty of time” to settle down? Or because they just weren’t exciting enough? Even now, it’s very unlikely that there is no one who would be interested in marrying you. I suspect the truth is there is no interested party that you would find acceptable. That guy who you wouldn’t have given the time of day a decade ago? Smile at him. Go talk to him. Flirt even. Good luck.
What, if I may ask, were you doing in your late teens and through your twenties, when per your own statement you were much more physically attractive? Unless you spent those years cloistered in a nunnery, I have to assume you were active in the dating market. How many suitors did you reject because you had “plenty of time” to settle down? Or because they just weren’t exciting enough? Even now, it’s very unlikely that there is no one who would be interested in marrying you. I suspect the truth is there is no interested party that you would find acceptable. That guy who you wouldn’t have given the time of day a decade ago? Smile at him. Go talk to him. Flirt even. Good luck.
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aicirt
Guest
Dear Elena, You stated your problem in early fall and you still seem to have problems coming to grips as to what can and cannot be achieved. You are not going to change the world. That is a fact. The only one you can change is yourself.
A while ago you wrote that you do not dress dowdy. Today you wrote that your Mom takes issue with your long frizzy hair. Maybe she is right. Maybe it is not the best look for you. You can do something about this. Why don’t you want to go to a good hairdresser? Why not?
You reflected that when you were younger, men looked at you on the street but now that you are 35 (still young by the way), they don’t. Well, maybe they are not attracted to long frizzy hair? Maybe that worked for you at 18 or 21 but now it doesn’t. Time for a change? And if you are noticing they are not looking at you, then if appears to me you would like it very much if they would. And there is nothing wrong with that.
You’ve shared that your face has dropped. If it is that serious, you should consider a facelift but before you do that there are many other things you can do and should do. Cosmetics and a good hairstyle will help IF you let them. President Reagan wore his hair high for that reason. Apparently, he looked much older without the pompadour. Who knew?
I think you would very much like to find a man, get married, and have a family. I suggest you start working on yourself and get going. God doesn’t give many natural beauty. What he does give us are people who have a knack to transform the average into pretty. They are artists.
It is Christmas. Give yourself a present. Seek the counsel of those who do this for a living: beautician, cosmetician, fitter for undergarments, a couple of new outfits, dental cleaning, medical check-up. Lots to do which should become a ritual. Embrace yourself and have fun!! :extrahappy:
A while ago you wrote that you do not dress dowdy. Today you wrote that your Mom takes issue with your long frizzy hair. Maybe she is right. Maybe it is not the best look for you. You can do something about this. Why don’t you want to go to a good hairdresser? Why not?
You reflected that when you were younger, men looked at you on the street but now that you are 35 (still young by the way), they don’t. Well, maybe they are not attracted to long frizzy hair? Maybe that worked for you at 18 or 21 but now it doesn’t. Time for a change? And if you are noticing they are not looking at you, then if appears to me you would like it very much if they would. And there is nothing wrong with that.
You’ve shared that your face has dropped. If it is that serious, you should consider a facelift but before you do that there are many other things you can do and should do. Cosmetics and a good hairstyle will help IF you let them. President Reagan wore his hair high for that reason. Apparently, he looked much older without the pompadour. Who knew?
I think you would very much like to find a man, get married, and have a family. I suggest you start working on yourself and get going. God doesn’t give many natural beauty. What he does give us are people who have a knack to transform the average into pretty. They are artists.
It is Christmas. Give yourself a present. Seek the counsel of those who do this for a living: beautician, cosmetician, fitter for undergarments, a couple of new outfits, dental cleaning, medical check-up. Lots to do which should become a ritual. Embrace yourself and have fun!! :extrahappy:
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