Question re: Husband staring at other females

[Lou2U]

Perhaps the original poster should avoid making highly derogatory comments about her husband on a public forum. Comments that defame his character and could ruin his reputation and cause great personal embarrassment.

If the matter was presented as a hypothetical, that would be a better approach.

The Bible makes it very clear that we are all made in the Creator’s image. Speaking wicked and evil allegations about a husband without evidence or witnesses is a grave sin.

How is this helpful to the OP’s situation? If you disagree with posting about this topic, don’t reply

Lou

 

[Irishmom2]

Perhaps the original poster should avoid making highly derogatory comments about her husband on a public forum. Comments that defame his character and could ruin his reputation and cause great personal embarrassment.

.

THIS IS AN ANONYMOUS FORUM. No one knows her or her husband.

 

[StGerardMajella]

How is this helpful to the OP’s situation?

Because if the matter is, in fact, true, then a course of proper counseling with a competent priest might save her marriage.

If the matter is false, then she will learn that making false accusations against others is a grave sin. Either way, if she takes the advice as presented, she will benefit.

THIS IS AN ANONYMOUS FORUM. No one knows her or her husband.

If the husband can navigate her computer, her posts are no longer anonymous.

 

[Walking_Home]

First, we don’t know the truth of the matter. People come on forums and post all kinds of one-sided, exaggerated stories. Maybe he did act inappropriately, and perhaps he did not. Maybe the stare wasn’t even a stare. Perhaps he was looking at something else altogether that caught his attention.

My point is that you are only hearing one side of the story. We don’t know the facts or full context. Before you condemn someone, it would be appropriate if he had a full hearing and have a little objectivity.

Were there witnesses, or just the wife? All we are hearing is a one-sided story about how awful this husband is.

If he is really behaving as inappropriately as suggested, why isn’t the couple in counseling? Why aren’t they separated? Why is the original poster not speaking privately with a competent, qualified priest, and is instead posting this matter on a public thread? Why is the wife slandering her husband on a public forum over a private matter that should be resolved between all concerned parties?

In short, before jumping to conclusions and calling this husband a “creep”, we should advise the original poster to seek the advice of a competent counselor or priest. We cannot possibly take her word for truth given what has been disclosed and the manner in which these allegations have been disclosed.

And that’s what they are - Allegations. We have no evidence, no proof, no context.

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“Witnesses” - heck this looks like applying “Taliban” thinking. “Witnesses” or the abuse/etc. didn’t happen.

 

[AdamP88]

Perhaps the original poster should avoid making highly derogatory comments about her husband on a public forum. Comments that defame his character and could ruin his reputation and cause great personal embarrassment.

If the matter was presented as a hypothetical, that would be a better approach.

The Bible makes it very clear that we are all made in the Creator’s image. Speaking wicked and evil allegations about a husband without evidence or witnesses is a grave sin.

What? Seriously?

 

[horselvr]

The normal woman does not like being stared at and considers it very creepy. In my younger years whenever a man starred at me ESPECIALLY if he was with a woman I would look at him and call him on it—that was when I was young but it was very effective. Now I just stare them down. LOL I would not appreciate your husband and his attitude at all.

 

[kaliman]

I used to be one like your husband struggling with conscupicence and over vices that only showed a lack of respect to my wife. After multiple falls and not acknowledging in humility what I was doing was wrong in the eyes of God, I experienced a major conversion to our Catholic faith. I will pray for your husband as this is not a matter to take lightly, he needs to acknowledge his wrongdoing and God willing, he will have self control and respect you. I do recommend daily prayer and a program where he can make a commintment to be chaste, I personally chose the Angelic Warfare Confraternity, it has brought me so many blessings.

God bless yoir marriage.

 

[StGerardMajella]

“Witnesses” - heck this looks like applying “Taliban” thinking. “Witnesses” or the abuse/etc. didn’t happen.

I am quite certain that the husband has a contrary opinion to the allegations made. If you level charges of moral failure against anyone, you better have some proof to back your claims. Witnesses are just one type of proof as evidenced in the Bible. (A person cannot be prosecuted without witnesses according to biblical tradition.)

We don’t know the truth of what happened. At this point, it is all conjecture and innuendo. Unlike other responses, I am not about to hop on the husband-bashing bandwagon, and jump to hasty conclusions.

If he did, in fact, conduct himself appropriately, and refuses to resolve the matter with counseling and a change in behavior, then it is time to contact a divorce attorney.

I would be highly suspicious of the claims of anyone that would go on a public forum and level serious accusations against their life partner, accusing them of narcissism or of staring at other women, etc. That’s a pretty underhanded approach instead of dealing with the situation at hand. Doesn’t sound like a marriage on solid footing. If it’s really that bad, then you need to exit the relationship.

I would also question the need to ask on a public forum as to whether staring at other females is appropriate for a married man. Are you really so unsure as to not know the answer to your question? Perhaps this is a self-defense mechanism to draw pity from strangers or to create more attention for oneself.

 

[bmaj]

First, we don’t know the truth of the matter. People come on forums and post all kinds of one-sided, exaggerated stories. Maybe he did act inappropriately, and perhaps he did not. Maybe the stare wasn’t even a stare. Perhaps he was looking at something else altogether that caught his attention.

My point is that you are only hearing one side of the story. We don’t know the facts or full context. Before you condemn someone, it would be appropriate if he had a full hearing and have a little objectivity.

Were there witnesses, or just the wife? All we are hearing is a one-sided story about how awful this husband is.

If he is really behaving as inappropriately as suggested, why isn’t the couple in counseling? Why aren’t they separated? Why is the original poster not speaking privately with a competent, qualified priest, and is instead posting this matter on a public thread? Why is the wife slandering her husband on a public forum over a private matter that should be resolved between all concerned parties?

In short, before jumping to conclusions and calling this husband a “creep”, we should advise the original poster to seek the advice of a competent counselor or priest. We cannot possibly take her word for truth given what has been disclosed and the manner in which these allegations have been disclosed.

And that’s what they are - Allegations. We have no evidence, no proof, no context.

I wish so much that I could say the stares by my husband at other females (some not even old enough to be women) weren’t really stares… I wouldn’t need to ask for advice here if that were the case. I’ve actually tried numerous times throughout the past several years to give him the benefit of the doubt when I notice it happening. Unfortunately, there was no denying them as stares, especially when he physically adjusted his position to continue watching them as they walked away.

May I ask if you’re married, StGerardMajella? I get the feeling that you might have possibly been hurt deeply, maybe even unjustifiably, by a woman in the past. I hope that’s not the case for your sake, but I feel as if you’re putting me (as a woman) on trial here to possibly “get back” at some woman for pain that she has caused you. The reason I come here to Catholic Answers is to try to get answers and advice in my life about issues that are pretty serious. I don’t want to confide in close friends or relatives to request advice about such things as this because I don’t want them to think poorly of my husband. The anonymous forum is very much appreciated here in that regard, and so many conscientious posters have always given me excellent advice. For that I am more grateful than any of them can possibly imagine!

You question why we’re not in counseling. As I mentioned previously, my husband has always refused to go. I went myself in the past when the issue was even worse - his porn use, and it did help me, but since he won’t go with me, I was hoping this time around with the staring that I could get some helpful words of wisdom on how to gently and hopefully caringly explain to him how and why it hurts me when he does it. I don’t think quickly on my feet with fast, good responses when he tells me right off the bat that I’m being ridiculous about such things, so recommendations from others who understand what I’m going through are very much appreciated.

You asked why we’re not separated. I would not consider separation or divorce for this situation after so many years of usually pretty happy marriage. I know all too well how many men do very similar staring. I already have said that my husband does have some very good qualities for which I thank God. I wouldn’t have married him if he didn’t! I only wish and pray that this particular quality weren’t in existence. I actually have spoken with a wonderful Priest in the past about this, and I try daily to follow his advice, but I felt that some more recommendations from caring posters here could be very helpful as well (much of the advice has already been just that, thankfully.) I would never call him a “creep,” either to his face or on this forum, although his staring can be very “creepy.” Actually, I would try to never call anyone a creep, for that matter. There’s a definite difference between those two terms, at least in my eyes.

I hope that this explanation and these answers to your questions may in some way help you to understand where I’m coming from, StGerardMajella. May Our Dear and Merciful Lord bless you always, and thank you so much to all those in this thread who have given me some excellent advice!

 

[StGerardMajella]

May I ask if you’re married, StGerardMajella? I get the feeling that you might have possibly been hurt deeply, maybe even unjustifiably, by a woman in the past. I hope that’s not the case for your sake, but I feel as if you’re putting me (as a woman) on trial here to possibly “get back” at some woman for pain that she has caused you.

Hate to disappoint, but there is no ill will or “deep hurt” from anyone in my life. My marital status is irrelevant.

If it is truly as bad as you describe, then it’s a very unhealthy relationship and you need to separate.

It doesn’t matter if he has other “good qualities”, or if you think that “other men” might act the same, or if you’re “generally happy” the rest of the time. If you were really happy about your marriage, you wouldn’t have posted here.

You question why we’re not in counseling. As I mentioned previously, my husband has always refused to go.

He goes to counseling, or you walk out the door. It’s that simple.

 

[bmaj]

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“Witnesses” - heck this looks like applying “Taliban” thinking. “Witnesses” or the abuse/etc. didn’t happen.

Thank you very much for that, WalkingHome - and to the many others who have posted and understood my anguish. I truly appreciate it. I get the feeling some people just sadly won’t understand no matter how much I try to explain my situation. It’s similar to how my husband makes me feel when he tells me I’m being ridiculous for saying the staring is painful for me to witness.

 

[bmaj]

I used to be one like your husband struggling with conscupicence and over vices that only showed a lack of respect to my wife. After multiple falls and not acknowledging in humility what I was doing was wrong in the eyes of God, I experienced a major conversion to our Catholic faith. I will pray for your husband as this is not a matter to take lightly, he needs to acknowledge his wrongdoing and God willing, he will have self control and respect you. I do recommend daily prayer and a program where he can make a commintment to be chaste, I personally chose the Angelic Warfare Confraternity, it has brought me so many blessings.

God bless yoir marriage.

How wonderful to hear of your past conversion, kaliman! Thank you for sharing that similar experience, and thank you so much also for your prayers and recommendations regarding what has worked for you. May God continue to bless you and your marriage as well.

 

[bmaj]

Hate to disappoint, but there is no ill will or “deep hurt” from anyone in my life. My marital status is irrelevant.

If it is truly as bad as you describe, then it’s a very unhealthy relationship and you need to separate.

It doesn’t matter if he has other “good qualities”, or if you think that “other men” might act the same, or if you’re “generally happy” the rest of the time. If you were really happy about your marriage, you wouldn’t have posted here.

He goes to counseling, or you walk out the door. It’s that simple.

I’m glad to hear there’s been no ill will from anyone in your life, StGerardMajella, that might be influencing your feelings on my situation. I do feel your marital status might very well be relevant, though, especially in light of your recommendation that I should simply separate from my husband or leave if he refuses to go to counseling. That’s not the way I attempt to work things out in my marriage, although it might be in yours if you’re married or in some other marriages. That’s also not what my Priest recommended. Every person is different, and every marriage is different as well. We’ve been through far too many years together, many of them very good, to go to that extreme over something like staring which will hopefully and prayerfully be working itself out in the near future, partly in thanks to the excellent recommendations of many of the insightful posters in this thread.

 

[BlueEyedLady]

Unfortunately, it seems a Dalrock troll hijacked this thread. Some guy named MarcusD posted a link to this thread over there to get people riled up, it worked, and now we have this.

Everyone calm down and don’t feed the troll.

 

[bmaj]

Unfortunately, it seems a Dalrock troll hijacked this thread. Some guy named MarcusD posted a link to this thread over there to get people riled up, it worked, and now we have this.

Everyone calm down and don’t feed the troll.

Great work, BlueEyedLady!!! I’m extremely impressed with your detective skills! Thanks very much for that. It all makes SO MUCH MORE SENSE NOW… God’s blessings to you and all of the genuinely caring posters here at CAF!

 

[BlueEyedLady]

Great work, BlueEyedLady!!! I’m extremely impressed with your detective skills! Thanks very much for that. It all makes SO MUCH MORE SENSE NOW… God’s blessings to you and all of the genuinely caring posters here at CAF!

No problem. When you see posters who seem to simultaneously believe that men should be like gods to their wives but should never, ever bear any responsibility for their own choices and actions, head over to Dalrock and CTRL+F for ‘catholic’. Almost always you’ll find the thread posted, ugly things said about the women on these boards, a lot of whining that no one is telling the OP to shut up, and then a troll is born here.

It seems crazy, but there is at least one person in the vast internet universe who is obsessed with CAF and the “feminism” and “rebellion” promoted here. He’s been obsessed for years and he will probably never stop trying to “expose” us to…the redpill world? I don’t know, and it’s no big deal, just something to be aware of before getting too caught up in what’s said here. I know you’re hurting and frustrated right now, but I hope eventually you can find a little humor in it.

 

[bmaj]

No problem. When you see posters who seem to simultaneously believe that men should be like gods to their wives but should never, ever bear any responsibility for their own choices and actions, head over to Dalrock and CTRL+F for ‘catholic’. Almost always you’ll find the thread posted, ugly things said about the women on these boards, a lot of whining that no one is telling the OP to shut up, and then a troll is born here.

It seems crazy, but there is at least one person in the vast internet universe who is obsessed with CAF and the “feminism” and “rebellion” promoted here. He’s been obsessed for years and he will probably never stop trying to “expose” us to…the redpill world? I don’t know, and it’s no big deal, just something to be aware of before getting too caught up in what’s said here. I know you’re hurting and frustrated right now, but I hope eventually you can find a little humor in it.

Very good to know, BlueEyedLady. Thanks. Things actually seem to be improving here, thanks to all who took the time to provide excellent suggestions. I can even see some humor, as you say, in the postings of those who feel so insanely threatened by women (and Catholics.) Keep up the great work, BEL!

 

[LethalMouse]

No problem. When you see posters who seem to simultaneously believe that men should be like gods to their wives but should never, ever bear any responsibility for their own choices and actions, head over to Dalrock and CTRL+F for ‘catholic’. Almost always you’ll find the thread posted, ugly things said about the women on these boards, a lot of whining that no one is telling the OP to shut up, and then a troll is born here.

It seems crazy, but there is at least one person in the vast internet universe who is obsessed with CAF and the “feminism” and “rebellion” promoted here. He’s been obsessed for years and he will probably never stop trying to “expose” us to…the redpill world? I don’t know, and it’s no big deal, just something to be aware of before getting too caught up in what’s said here. I know you’re hurting and frustrated right now, but I hope eventually you can find a little humor in it.

This is why I advocate no group centric groups lol.

You know me and even I find the turn this thread took a what the heck…

Which is why I would never want a group, these fellows might join

I honestly hate radical feminism and can’t find any to blame in this thread

 

[StGerardMajella]

Unfortunately, it seems a Dalrock troll hijacked this thread. Some guy named MarcusD posted a link to this thread over there to get people riled up, it worked, and now we have this.

Untrue, completely false, but interesting conjecture nonetheless. My opinions are my own.

Somehow, having a contrary opinion makes someone a “troll”. You know your argument resonates when instead of debating, one has to resort to false allegations, libel, and defamation.

I guess that’s par for the course. Birds of a feather, flock together.

 

[Athanasiy]

Am I the only wife who feels terribly hurt when their husband stares at the well-shaped bodies of other women in public? I don’t mean just a passing glance, but a long, fixated stare - so much so that their eyes often follow the (usually young) woman or girl as they walk until they’re out of sight,and they sometimes even adjust their stance or seat so they can ogle better and longer. ** This is most noticeable at the beach** but also occurs in many other public areas as well, unfortunately. If I try to gently mention (in private) that it’s painful for me as a wife to witness, my husband insists he’s doing absolutely nothing wrong and harshly verbally admonishes me, even continuing to the point of giving me the cold shoulder for days afterwards as “punishment.”

Does this happen in other marriages, or is it just mine? Am I being overly sensitive? Can anyone recommend what I can possibly say to help him understand the hurt it brings me? Any (name removed by moderator)ut would be greatly appreciated.

I recently went to the sea side.
You can not look at anything except girls.
And the question I asked myself.
What an idiot I am that being unmarried man , to go consciously to the beach, and in the past I remember many times that this constant carnival of girlish beauty leads to discomfort.
You know what?
Sea side is not for christians!
It does not matter or are you married or unmarried, young or old, - beach is not for Christian man!
It is possible and even necessary to go to the mountains.
You can think of different recreation in the nature, but the beach is not a place for young men(if he is a christian).
I think that the workers in the field of God, who profess a modest lifestyle and who know how the eye is sensitive to sin, will agree with me.