Question re: Husband staring at other females

[bmaj]

Am I the only wife who feels terribly hurt when their husband stares at the well-shaped bodies of other women in public? I don’t mean just a passing glance, but a long, fixated stare - so much so that their eyes often follow the (usually young) woman or girl as they walk until they’re out of sight,and they sometimes even adjust their stance or seat so they can ogle better and longer. This is most noticeable at the beach but also occurs in many other public areas as well, unfortunately. If I try to gently mention (in private) that it’s painful for me as a wife to witness, my husband insists he’s doing absolutely nothing wrong and harshly verbally admonishes me, even continuing to the point of giving me the cold shoulder for days afterwards as “punishment.”

Does this happen in other marriages, or is it just mine? Am I being overly sensitive? Can anyone recommend what I can possibly say to help him understand the hurt it brings me? Any (name removed by moderator)ut would be greatly appreciated.

 

[Anglewannabe]

I am not married, so I don’t have any advice. But I think you are 100% correct. It is a hurtful thing for him to do

 

[Lea101]

I’m very passive aggressive, I would probably just check out and gush about how “hot” that guy is in front of him just to annoy him.

Of course, I don’t recommend that.

But the facts that he reacts so strongly when you bring it up seems odd. Guys usually apologize or make an excuse about how they cannot help it and then move on.

I’m not married but I would be more firm. He has no right to behave that way when he is the one at fault

 

[Hoosier_Daddy]

Am I the only wife who feels terribly hurt when their husband stares at the well-shaped bodies of other women in public? I don’t mean just a passing glance, but a long, fixated stare - so much so that their eyes often follow the (usually young) woman or girl as they walk until they’re out of sight,and they sometimes even adjust their stance or seat so they can ogle better and longer. This is most noticeable at the beach but also occurs in many other public areas as well, unfortunately. If I try to gently mention (in private) that it’s painful for me as a wife to witness, my husband insists he’s doing absolutely nothing wrong and harshly verbally admonishes me, even continuing to the point of giving me the cold shoulder for days afterwards as “punishment.”

Does this happen in other marriages, or is it just mine? Am I being overly sensitive? Can anyone recommend what I can possibly say to help him understand the hurt it brings me? Any (name removed by moderator)ut would be greatly appreciated.

I’m sorry your husband acts that way. His actions are quite “creepy”

 

[bmaj]

I am not married, so I don’t have any advice. But I think you are 100% correct. It is a hurtful thing for him to do

Thank you, Angel. I was starting to feel as if I was wrong in feeling hurt by it. God’s blessings to you.

 

[bmaj]

I’m very passive aggressive, I would probably just check out and gush about how “hot” that guy is in front of him just to annoy him.

Of course, I don’t recommend that.

But the facts that he reacts so strongly when you bring it up seems odd. Guys usually apologize or make an excuse about how they cannot help it and then move on.

I’m not married but I would be more firm. He has no right to behave that way when he is the one at fault

Thanks for the (name removed by moderator)ut, Lea. Unfortunately, my husband doesn’t ever apologize for much of anything to anyone - maybe five times over the course of many, many years of marriage, and even then it came with an explanation such as, “I’m sorry, but I really didn’t do anything wrong…” It goes along with the fact that he doesn’t think he ever does anything wrong and therefore never needs to go to Confession - and hasn’t since he was very young (yet still receives the Holy Eucharist…), but that’s another very difficult issue in itself.

I will have to try to be more firm in the future without getting him even more angry, but it’s a thin line to walk in our marriage since he doesn’t think he’s at fault - he believes I am.

God’s blessings to you.

 

[AClaire11]

We don’t go to the beach, so I can’t comment on that, but my husband has never noticeably checked out another woman in front of me. In fact, if we’re at a party, he’ll usually whisper to me that I’m the most beautiful woman there. Even if your husband has trouble with custody of the eyes, it’s never acceptable to emotionally abuse you by giving you the cold shoulder for days or being verbally hateful, especially when you express your hurt feelings.

 

[ctb95]

I’m an unmarried man, and I agree that this would be a very hurtful thing to do to one’s wife. I’m single and I try not to ogle at attractive females I see. I couldn’t even imagine doing this when my significant other is with me.

 

[Sarcelle]

Thanks for the (name removed by moderator)ut, Lea. Unfortunately, my husband doesn’t ever apologize for much of anything to anyone - maybe five times over the course of many, many years of marriage, and even then it came with an explanation such as, “I’m sorry, but I really didn’t do anything wrong…” It goes along with the fact that he doesn’t think he ever does anything wrong and therefore never needs to go to Confession - and hasn’t since he was very young (yet still receives the Holy Eucharist…), but that’s another very difficult issue in itself.

I will have to try to be more firm in the future without getting him even more angry, but it’s a thin line to walk in our marriage since he doesn’t think he’s at fault - he believes I am.

God’s blessings to you.

His staring at other women may be just the symptom of a much bigger problem.

If he believes that he is never at fault and is very rarely wrong, I’m afraid you got deeper issues than him staring at other women.

You may have to put up some boundaries and may even have to stand firm in your defense since he treats you like a convenient scapegoat for whatever goes wrong. I am afraid that being firm with him will get him angry no matter what. Be prepared for a lot of cold shoulders and silent treatment.

 

[Trident_H]

Thanks for the (name removed by moderator)ut, Lea. Unfortunately, my husband doesn’t ever apologize for much of anything to anyone - maybe five times over the course of many, many years of marriage, and even then it came with an explanation such as, “I’m sorry, but I really didn’t do anything wrong…” It goes along with the fact that he doesn’t think he ever does anything wrong and therefore never needs to go to Confession - and hasn’t since he was very young (yet still receives the Holy Eucharist…), but that’s another very difficult issue in itself.

I will have to try to be more firm in the future without getting him even more angry, but it’s a thin line to walk in our marriage since he doesn’t think he’s at fault - he believes I am.

God’s blessings to you.

I’d bring it up at the time. I’d ask him what he’s looking at (in maybe even a loud voice) when he’s obvious about it. And sort of crane my neck too. If he shifts position I’d do it too. If he stares off in one angle too long I’d offer to put sunscreen on whatever part of him’s most exposed in that. And maybe I’d ask him if he wanted me to take a picture so he could bring it home.

Or something.

Sorry if this doesn’t help. But I’d call it out when I saw it.

Peace bmaj. And good luck.

Sorry guys can be like this.

-Trident

 

[bmaj]

I’m sorry your husband acts that way. His actions are quite “creepy”

Thank you for the (name removed by moderator)ut from a man’s perspective, Hoosier Daddy. You’re right, unfortunately. I’m glad it’s not just me that thinks his actions are strange. He’s a good husband and provider in many other ways, but this is a very big stumbling block in our marriage, and I’ve been trying to understand it for a long time.

May Our Lord bless you always.

 

[RPRPsych]

Am I the only wife who feels terribly hurt when their husband stares at the well-shaped bodies of other women in public? I don’t mean just a passing glance, but a long, fixated stare - so much so that their eyes often follow the (usually young) woman or girl as they walk until they’re out of sight,and they sometimes even adjust their stance or seat so they can ogle better and longer. This is most noticeable at the beach but also occurs in many other public areas as well, unfortunately. If I try to gently mention (in private) that it’s painful for me as a wife to witness, my husband insists he’s doing absolutely nothing wrong and harshly verbally admonishes me, even continuing to the point of giving me the cold shoulder for days afterwards as “punishment.”

Does this happen in other marriages, or is it just mine? Am I being overly sensitive? Can anyone recommend what I can possibly say to help him understand the hurt it brings me? Any (name removed by moderator)ut would be greatly appreciated.

I’m a married man, and even I would feel uncomfortable if I saw a fellow man behaving in that way. Being touchy / sensitive has nothing to with it - it’s to do with modesty and custody of the eyes. Unfortunately, those are unfashionable concepts in our day and age. Jesus was quite explicit in Matthew 5: 28, and who are we to argue with our Saviour?

(By the way, is your husband Catholic?)

 

[on_the_hill]

I’m sorry your husband acts that way. His actions are quite “creepy”

I’d tell him that at the time.
“Husband, you’re acting like a creeper.” And just say it every time until he stops acting like a creeper.

Women do not like to be stared at.

 

[bmaj]

We don’t go to the beach, so I can’t comment on that, but my husband has never noticeably checked out another woman in front of me. In fact, if we’re at a party, he’ll usually whisper to me that I’m the most beautiful woman there. Even if your husband has trouble with custody of the eyes, it’s never acceptable to emotionally abuse you by giving you the cold shoulder for days or being verbally hateful, especially when you express your hurt feelings.

Thanks very much for your (name removed by moderator)ut, AClaire. I appreciate it. God’s blessings to you.

 

[Crusaderbear]

I’m sorry your husband acts that way. His actions are quite “creepy”

I would say immature - I did that before I was married, in my early 20’s.

For OP, my prayers…

 

[bmaj]

I’m an unmarried man, and I agree that this would be a very hurtful thing to do to one’s wife. I’m single and I try not to ogle at attractive females I see. I couldn’t even imagine doing this when my significant other is with me.

I appreciate your (name removed by moderator)ut from the perspective of an unmarried guy, ctb. It’s good to know you try not to ogle at attractive females and wouldn’t even imagine doing it with a significant other nearby. You will likely make a good husband some day! Thanks for taking the time to respond. God’s blessings to you.

 

[bmaj]

His staring at other women may be just the symptom of a much bigger problem.

If he believes that he is never at fault and is very rarely wrong, I’m afraid you got deeper issues than him staring at other women.

You may have to put up some boundaries and may even have to stand firm in your defense since he treats you like a convenient scapegoat for whatever goes wrong. I am afraid that being firm with him will get him angry no matter what. Be prepared for a lot of cold shoulders and silent treatment.

You may very well be right, Sarcelle. Thank you for your thoughts and warning on that. I had to put up boundaries in the past when I discovered he was viewing pornography, and this could all actually be related in some way to that. May Our Lord bless you.

 

[TobyLue]

I agree with RPRPsych

I’m a married man, and even I would feel uncomfortable if I saw a fellow man behaving in that way. Being touchy / sensitive has nothing to with it - it’s to do with modesty and custody of the eyes. Unfortunately, those are unfashionable concepts in our day and age. Jesus was quite explicit in Matthew 5: 28, and who are we to argue with our Saviour?

Having been married for over 30 years I can honestly say that I have never “deliberately” starred at another woman because I know that God gave me my perfect mate. I say deliberately because I “once” did ogle at another woman at work. I’m not making excuses but she was dressed in a very short skirt and a top about two sizes too small. I caught myself, stopped and turned away.

If your husband gets upset I feel there may be some inner problems. (I’m no analyst though). Have you talked with your priest? If not I would recommend you go see him ASAP.

And yes, you have a right to be terribly hurt. Don’t the vows he took during the marriage ceremony mean anything to him? Starring at other women with apparent lust is not being “true” nor honoring you. He is dishonoring you big-time by his acts. In my opinion he is acting like a middle school boy whose hormones are going berserk.

Pray to St. Joseph for him.

 

[1ke]

Am I the only wife who feels terribly hurt when their husband stares at the well-shaped bodies of other women in public?

I’m sure you aren’t.

I don’t mean just a passing glance, but a long, fixated stare - so much so that their eyes often follow the (usually young) woman or girl as they walk until they’re out of sight,and they sometimes even adjust their stance or seat so they can ogle better and longer. This is most noticeable at the beach but also occurs in many other public areas as well, unfortunately. If I try to gently mention (in private) that it’s painful for me as a wife to witness, my husband insists he’s doing absolutely nothing wrong and harshly verbally admonishes me, even continuing to the point of giving me the cold shoulder for days afterwards as “punishment.”

That is not normal behavior.

Does this happen in other marriages, or is it just mine? Am I being overly sensitive? Can anyone recommend what I can possibly say to help him understand the hurt it brings me? Any (name removed by moderator)ut would be greatly appreciated.

I’m sorry that this happens to you. While it is not a problem in my own marriage, I am sure it is not unheard of in many relationships.

 

[Javan]

Am I the only wife who feels terribly hurt when their husband stares at the well-shaped bodies of other women in public? I don’t mean just a passing glance, but a long, fixated stare - so much so that their eyes often follow the (usually young) woman or girl as they walk until they’re out of sight,and they sometimes even adjust their stance or seat so they can ogle better and longer. This is most noticeable at the beach but also occurs in many other public areas as well, unfortunately. If I try to gently mention (in private) that it’s painful for me as a wife to witness, my husband insists he’s doing absolutely nothing wrong and harshly verbally admonishes me, even continuing to the point of giving me the cold shoulder for days afterwards as “punishment.”

Does this happen in other marriages, or is it just mine? Am I being overly sensitive? Can anyone recommend what I can possibly say to help him understand the hurt it brings me? Any (name removed by moderator)ut would be greatly appreciated.

I find it very disturbing that he feels a need to “punish” you for calling him out on his disrespectful behavior. He is disrespecting you, and he is disrespecting the women he is staring at.

You are not being overly sensitive. I am very sorry that your husband is treating you this way.