Question re: Husband staring at other females

[on_the_hill]

Is it true as the video states that you as a man actually forget the images of the scantilly- clad or well-endowed women you have seen as soon as they’re out of sight?

I didn’t watch the video, but to answer the question: Pretty much, yes. Maybe not immediately as soon as they’re out of sight. There might be a few moments of afterglow. But generally, yes.

 

[on_the_hill]

Therefore, husbands should get good at starting straight ahead, or down and develop better peripheral vision.

A long time ago I had an office job where I was one of only three guys out of about 30 women. Our desks were in rows, and my row was right in front of the main walkway through the office.

There was one objectively attractive young woman–objectively meaning that she would be considered attractive by an objective observation. She had long blonde hair and blue eyes and virtually glided when she walked. If you’re into that sort of thing.

Of course she caught my attention, and of course I caught the attention of every woman around me. If I so much as flinched an eyeball when she sashayed past my desk I would get the evil eye. One time she breezed past and I sat absolutely still and bored a hole in my desk with my eyes.

After the breeze wisped away, an older woman seated in front of me turned around, with her hand on her hip, and glowered, “Yoooou didn’t. But you wanted to!”

 

[bmaj]

Thank you very much, everyone, for your advice. Many of the recommendations and insights have been very helpful. May our merciful Lord keep you all in His loving care.

 

[CatholicMan2412]

It is wrong for a man to look at other women if married. That’s his problem. He is committing a grave sin. That’s what Saint Thomas Aquinas said. You must talk to him. Tell him to stop it. No excuses. If he continues, it’s his sin. Not yours.

Remember though. If a man looks at women, when married, the wife may be partially to blame, as she’s not giving him enough sexual pleasure. I’m not trying to be rude or anything here. Just following what Saint Thomas Aquinas said.

Saint Thomas Aquinas said it’s good for the husband and wife to give each other sexual pleasure in marriage, to cool their sexual passions. That’s why he’s looking at women: to try and cool his passions. But he doesn’t realize or has forgotten, that you’re there to help him with that as well. Make sure you do! Then, your husband will probably stop looking at other women.

God Bless!

 

[bmaj]

It is wrong for a man to look at other women if married. That’s his problem. He is committing a grave sin. That’s what Saint Thomas Aquinas said. You must talk to him. Tell him to stop it. No excuses. If he continues, it’s his sin. Not yours…

… That’s why he’s looking at women: to try and cool his passions. But he doesn’t realize or has forgotten, that you’re there to help him with that as well. Make sure you do! Then, your husband will probably stop looking at other women.

God Bless!

Thank you for that response, CatholicMan. I definitely agree with your first paragraph. Spot on.

I don’t believe he’s doing this to try and cool his passions, though, and I don’t think that would apply to most married men. If anything, maybe just the opposite. It also doesn’t seem to matter how often I help cool his passions - he has stared at others regardless, unfortunately.

God’s blessings to you as well!

 

[CatholicMan2412]

Thank you for that response, CatholicMan. I definitely agree with your first paragraph. Spot on.

I don’t believe he’s doing this to try and cool his passions, though, and I don’t think that would apply to most married men. If anything, maybe just the opposite. It also doesn’t seem to matter how often I help cool his passions - he has stared at others regardless, unfortunately.

God’s blessings to you as well!

I see. Well, if you’ve really done everything you can, I’m sorry. That’s his problem then. Please talk to him. God Bless!

 

[pensmama87]

Thank you for that response, CatholicMan. I definitely agree with your first paragraph. Spot on.

I don’t believe he’s doing this to try and cool his passions, though, and I don’t think that would apply to most married men. If anything, maybe just the opposite. It also doesn’t seem to matter how often I help cool his passions - he has stared at others regardless, unfortunately.

God’s blessings to you as well!

While I haven’t experienced this in my own marriage, what I understand is that, especially if a sex/pornography/lust addiction began before marriage, then nothing the wife does will affect it, because the addiction really isn’t about the wife (even though it’s deeply damaging.)

I have linked this blogger a few times recently, but Sheila Wray Gregoire has written about this a lot on her blog, so I link here to all her blog posts tagged about porn use. I doubt very much what CatholicMan2412 says about availability and so on. The only time I see it applying is if a man becomes desperate after marriage because of deliberate coldness by his wife (which can and does happen and it is gravely wrong when it does.) But many men bring these issues to marriage thinking marriage will “cure” them, and then it does not. (Or worse, see nothing to cure.)

 

[bmaj]

While I haven’t experienced this in my own marriage, what I understand is that, especially if a sex/pornography/lust addiction began before marriage, then nothing the wife does will affect it, because the addiction really isn’t about the wife (even though it’s deeply damaging.)

I have linked this blogger a few times recently, but Sheila Wray Gregoire has written about this a lot on her blog, so I link here to all her blog posts tagged about porn use. I doubt very much what CatholicMan2412 says about availability and so on. The only time I see it applying is if a man becomes desperate after marriage because of deliberate coldness by his wife (which can and does happen and it is gravely wrong when it does.) But many men bring these issues to marriage thinking marriage will “cure” them, and then it does not. (Or worse, see nothing to cure.)

Thanks very much for that blog link, pensmama. Very interesting info. Sad, too, that it’s so prevalent. The desire has to first be there to stop. That seems like a crucial element. Peace always.

 

[mikekle]

Thanks for responding, Elena. Yes, that can make it even worse on the self-esteem. Fortunately I’m not overweight, but I definitely am many years older than the teenage girls and women my husband ogles, so it can be rough. Peace and God’s love to you!

Been reading thru the thread and I can tell you, you would be surprised how MUCH this kind of thing really goes on, Im a rep for a large gas station/ convenience store and am in stores every day, especially in summer time, its almost an on going joke among store employees, to watch adult men ogle young girls, I see it constantly, everywhere I go, usually its normal looking guys, not generally creepy looking, (although most of them are not with their wives or GFs), and surprisingly most do not seem to be ashamed about it.

 

[on_the_hill]

Been reading thru the thread and I can tell you, you would be surprised how MUCH this kind of thing really goes on, Im a rep for a large gas station/ convenience store and am in stores every day, especially in summer time, its almost an on going joke among store employees, to watch adult men ogle young girls, I see it constantly, everywhere I go, usually its normal looking guys, not generally creepy looking, (although most of them are not with their wives or GFs), and surprisingly most do not seem to be ashamed about it.

Most of the time the young women notice it, and they don’t like it. What surprises me is that many men think that women DO like that attention. They don’t. They really don’t. As a message to the guys out there–most women, when they realize you’re ogling, think you’re a creeper, and once a woman thinks you’re a creeper, you cannot reconcile for it. You can do the Rite of Reconciliation with God, but not with a woman. Once a creeper, always a creeper.

**

 

[LethalMouse]

Most of the time the young women notice it, and they don’t like it. What surprises me is that many men think that women DO like that attention. They don’t. They really don’t. As a message to the guys out there–most women, when they realize you’re ogling, think you’re a creeper, and once a woman thinks you’re a creeper, you cannot reconcile for it. You can do the Rite of Reconciliation with God, but not with a woman. Once a creeper, always a creeper.

**

Most yes but it is mildly subjective, cat call for exaple 10 women and you may get 10 slaps. The 11th you will get a phone numnber. There is also a line and some confusions as womens ogling is often confusing. I have thought I was getting a stink eye to later find out it was a nervous interest, and have heard many of the same. Even then since women don’t “take the reigns” in initiial contact, they sometimes look for that seemingly interest to initiate some flirt or for them to leave and question why the guy did not look with interest.

Now there is a line of ogling and most notably a difference between a quick check that shows interest and a stramge slingblade like stare… perhaps ogling isnt even the right word for what they “want” but it gets very gray.

When you apply the quantity of secular people to not and remember the good catholics here are a super minority of people in the gas station then we note that the ogling breeds a positive reacrtion from a woman that those here would state a man “should not want” but these are not “good catholic men” and they are getting exactly what they want.

I often joke how confusing it can be for a guy that what women what after two minutes of a well placed few words is akin to what would have garnered a slap 2 mins earlier etc.

The creep level is based on the answer of yes/no. Most women who tell their idea of a romantic story sounds alot like a creeper situation that could ahve involved police had she said “no” instead of yes. 50 shades of gray was liked by women because the man was a doctor and handsome, make him a gas station attendant and meh looking and the book would be heralded as horror, not sexual fantasy.

We do often apply a theory that other people care about the catholic morals here when they are by and large secular and surrounded and learned by the secular.

 

[bmaj]

Been reading thru the thread and I can tell you, you would be surprised how MUCH this kind of thing really goes on, Im a rep for a large gas station/ convenience store and am in stores every day, especially in summer time, its almost an on going joke among store employees, to watch adult men ogle young girls, I see it constantly, everywhere I go, usually its normal looking guys, not generally creepy looking, (although most of them are not with their wives or GFs), and surprisingly most do not seem to be ashamed about it.

Thanks so much for that honest appraisal of “real life” in the predominantly secular world, mikekle. Sad but not surprising given the lack of respect and lack of moral values today that seems to be so rampant. It always amazes me how patient God is when I think of Sodom and Gomorrah, and I often wish I could be that patient, too. I really need to work on that.

 

[SilverShadow22]

I am, in a sense, fairly oblivious… I don’t even notice most times if I’m being stared at, and only ‘notice’ direct flirtation, but only after the fact do I realize… Oh, I think that was flirting?

I haven’t been out with anyone specifically except twice. Only once really in public. He could have stared at everyone in the building before I’d have noticed. What was funny was that he remained situationally aware, steering me around traffic, people, obstructions, keeping an eye on people, etc…

But missed the store signs. I was paying attention to concepts, and he to our surroundings. Besides which, I’m not in the habit of worrying that the man I’m on a date with is looking at everyone but me. I certainly never got that impression. And given that he’s also focused on making sure I don’t run into things (a real risk when I’m distracted ) I expect him to notice everything that passes within his field of vision… Including any suggestively dressed females.

It’s only when it turns to lingering that it becomes hurtful. And he never did that. I can imagine it would feel pretty terrible, though

 

[mikekle]

Most of the time the young women notice it, and they don’t like it. What surprises me is that many men think that women DO like that attention. They don’t. They really don’t. As a message to the guys out there–most women, when they realize you’re ogling, think you’re a creeper, and once a woman thinks you’re a creeper, you cannot reconcile for it. You can do the Rite of Reconciliation with God, but not with a woman. Once a creeper, always a creeper.

**Like the post below yours, from Lethalmouse, it is true that some women do not like this kind of attention, but some do, or I think better to say, they like to take advantage of it, I have no idea what the percentages are, it probably varies from girl to girl.

A women I dated a couple years ago, she told me that once girls reach the pre teen years, they begin to notice men in public look at them in a different way, she said ‘like a piece of meat’, said this is also the time when the girl decides if she thinks its creepy or if she can use it to her advantage.

 

[Athanasiy]

We go to the beach (almost) every year. We see dunes, and birds, sea creatures, and you know, that big thing called the ocean.

Of course, we go to a beach that is not crowded that caters to families and not the “spring break” crowd (binge drinking young adults). It’s very peaceful and relaxing, and prayerful, too, especially in the morning and evening hours. There are people who dress immodestly, both men and women, but it’s not rampant and we can avert our eyes temporarily when needed. This is what mature people do, and what we teach our sons to do (“That woman needs her privacy because she is not dressed; it is not polite or respectful to stare at her.”)

I think if normal beach attire does pose a major temptation for a man that it is probably best avoided, but again, that impulse has to come from within if it’s going to resolve itself. He has to admit the temptation to himself and then take positive steps to address it. The OP’s husband doesn’t seem to be there yet.

I’m glad you enjoy the mountains. I live in hill country and I love it, too.

OK
Then perhaps we will have to decide individually what is good for us and what is not.
Although a young people for example are very impulsive.
There are very populous narrow beaches in summer reasorts where plenty of youth.
In many places, espec.in north america the beaches are very large and not so densely populated.
Yes, you are right about the ocean. You are overwhelmed by wonderful feeling when you’re on the beach and look at the ocean.
But sometimes such an innocent hike to the beach especially a young man, can greatly affect the future actions in his life. For some this is the moment when the prodigal son asks the father to give him a piece of his estate, and decides to go on the road of life of its own will and not by the will of God.
Innocent hike to the beach of impulsive young man can be ended by irrevocable rebellion.

You can turn away your eyes if you are wise, and awake.
Or you can just learn yourself not to go where its spiritually uncomfortable.
Generally the sage can look at every thing without sinful thoughts.
I reminded Shakespeare:

‘’…Virtue itself turns vice, being misapplied,
And vice sometime by action dignified.’’
…
‘‘Within the infant rind of this weak flower
Poison hath residence and medicine power;
For this, being smelt, with that part cheers each part,
Being tasted, stays all senses with the heart.
Two such opposed kings encamp them still
In man as well as herbs, grace and rude will;
And where the worser is predominant,
Full soon the canker death eats up that plant.’’

Someone looks like at flower.
Someone knows how to make friends with other women and even having platonic love without sinning. Someone manages to turn his temptation to the precious potential for some noble deeds. Someone manages to win a carnal man in himself.
But most of us living ‘’ in the adulterous and sinful world.’’, and sensual looks and excitements are from the evil one, and I think the best place to protect yourself is not to show up where you know sin can be. While OK, I also probably agree that the ocean is wonderful.

 

[chevalier]

Am I the only wife who feels terribly hurt when their husband stares at the well-shaped bodies of other women in public? I don’t mean just a passing glance, but a long, fixated stare - so much so that their eyes often follow the (usually young) woman or girl as they walk until they’re out of sight,and they sometimes even adjust their stance or seat so they can ogle better and longer. This is most noticeable at the beach but also occurs in many other public areas as well, unfortunately. If I try to gently mention (in private) that it’s painful for me as a wife to witness, my husband insists he’s doing absolutely nothing wrong and harshly verbally admonishes me, even continuing to the point of giving me the cold shoulder for days afterwards as “punishment.”

Does this happen in other marriages, or is it just mine? Am I being overly sensitive? Can anyone recommend what I can possibly say to help him understand the hurt it brings me? Any (name removed by moderator)ut would be greatly appreciated.

(Man speaking.) It’s possible for a human to just look with pleasure and admiration without involving lust in it, just like a mother could realize that her son has grown into a fine man. On the other hand, lust can’t be excused in this way — it’s not only actual physical sex outside marriage that’s forbidden but also embracing lustful gazes and imaginations certainly is wrong.

Today and at this time of day I’m struggling with a bad headache and haven’t managed to have a coffee yet, so I may be lacking in the ability to put things in a nice, considerate way, but it seems to me chances are your husband is struggling with the fact that being married to one woman doesn’t turn all others into ugly hags and you may be struggling with patience. Deeper things than that is territory I’m not going to venture in (as neither a priest nor a married person I’m not the best man to offer marriage advice), but it’s probably worth talking over with someone competent, so that you guys can improve your connection and trust and deal with impatience and dissatisfaction on both sides, if you pardon me for being perhaps a little bit too direct.

 

[chevalier]

But the facts that he reacts so strongly when you bring it up seems odd. Guys usually apologize or make an excuse about how they cannot help it and then move on.

Yeah, and it would be helpful if women realized they’re at least capable of doing just the same thing, even if the one particular woman justifiably believes she herself never does that (which is probably statistically more likely than among men but still raises an eyebrow). Either sex would do well to realize that turning head is pretty much a natural reflext that can’t be helped and is neither deliberate nor even seriously wrong. The problem starts exactly when excuses are made and deliberate conduct is defended. Unfortunately, so many people defend that conduct in the earnest, due to not knowing better because of lack of appropriate education.

Thanks for the (name removed by moderator)ut, Lea. Unfortunately, my husband doesn’t ever apologize for much of anything to anyone - maybe five times over the course of many, many years of marriage, and even then it came with an explanation such as, “I’m sorry, but I really didn’t do anything wrong…” It goes along with the fact that he doesn’t think he ever does anything wrong and therefore never needs to go to Confession - and hasn’t since he was very young (yet still receives the Holy Eucharist…), but that’s another very difficult issue in itself.

Well, that’s not unconnected. The connection is probably central.

 

[Exiled_Child]

I’d bring it up at the time. I’d ask him what he’s looking at (in maybe even a loud voice) when he’s obvious about it. And sort of crane my neck too. If he shifts position I’d do it too. If he stares off in one angle too long I’d offer to put sunscreen on whatever part of him’s most exposed in that. And maybe I’d ask him if he wanted me to take a picture so he could bring it home.

Or something.

Sorry if this doesn’t help. But I’d call it out when I saw it.

Peace bmaj. And good luck.

Sorry guys can be like this.

-Trident

I think that this is exactly the right answer. It’s the best solution: call him out on it.

 

[chevalier]

But that was chemistry, not that I am Brad Pitt or had my awesome abs hanging out… I was in work clothes and sick lol.

Because people attract caring feelings when they are vulnerable. It’s the same reason I faked injury as a kid once, to see if a girl would care. I’m pretty sure men use this all the time and women even more often.

---

As for men being visual more than women, perhaps to an extent they are. But I wouldn’t make too much of it. Women can be just as visual as men, which is evident if one talks to women honestly, read women’s press and so on.

Same goes for: ‘women don’t like to be stared at.’ Some do, some don’t, a lot depends on the woman and on her opinion of the guy.

It wasn’t until after I discovered his porn viewing a few years ago that I realized the extent at which he was staring at other females in public. Prior to that, I never really paid attention to how long he looked at anything.

If he watches porn and still believes himself to be an uncorrupted saint, then you guys have got a problem. He needs to stop being a bunch of nouns I deleted on second thoughts and do some growing up, which may be difficult to achieve without a counsellor.

Unfortunately, that’s what happens when one goes after secular people for romantic purposes.

 

[Athanasiy]

There is a need of repentance.
There is a need to get closer to God.
Sensitivity does not hurts the man when he is constantly awakes and prays.
Тhe spiritual man is constantly awake.
Impulsive man has a hidden gift from God which he does not know , and this gift is - the constant need for God’s presence and protection.
For some it is a heavy cross but it is also a gift.
The constant impulsivity gives you insight about the constant need to stay awake.
So, the appeal to the conscience or logic here is not enough, there is a need in God’s fear, in repentance, in spiritually awakening.