Quote from:
home.comcast.net/~acbfp/topten.html
Which Is The Tradition?
In the village of Omsk all was not well in the local Pokrov Parish. Every year, during Lent, at ‘Blessed art Thou, O Lord,
teach me Thy statutes’, half of the congregation would make a metany at the waist, and half would make a full prostration.
The little metanists would start whispering sharply, ‘No! No! From the waist!’ To which the great metanists would hiss back
even louder, ‘Wrong! Full prostration! Who are you following, the Devil?!’ And fistfights would break out and the service could
not even be completed.
Finally the war-weary parishioners decided to ask their priest, Fr Veniamin. ‘Batiushka, what is the tradition? In Lent, at
“Blessed art Thou”, do we make a little metany, or a great metany?’ Knowing the rancour attached to the dispute, poor Fr
Veniamin trembled, grew pale, then fainted dead away and fell backwards.
So next they went to the Skete of the Forerunner, and asked Fr Onouphry: ‘Batiushka, we want to know, we have a terrible
argument at Omsk–what is the tradition? Because half the people say to make small metanies at “Blessed art Thou” now,
and half say great metanies. And we start fighting, terrible, terrible. So, tell us, what is the Tradition?’ Seeing the ferocity in
their faces, poor Hieromonk Anatoly simply fainted dead away.
Then someone shouted, ‘Let’s go to Elder Ioann and ask him!’ It was a marvellous idea. Surely the elder’s answer would
bring peace, for he was respected by all, a native of Omsk, and his hoary 94 years guaranteed a knowledge of what the
old tradition had been.
So a large crowd gathered at the elder’s dacha on the outskirts of town. Some 15 men from both sides entered the dacha,
and found frail Elder Ioann lying on his bed. As he struggled to draw himself up and offer tea, they cut him off: ‘Elder
Ioann, you have to help us! What is the Tradition? Every year in Lent, at “Blessed art Thou, O Lord”, half of the people at
Pokrov make little metanies, and half the people great metanies, and we start to argue, and the service doesn’t even finish
because of the fistfight!’ Then Elder Ioann said firmly, in his voice shaking with age, and with tears streaming down his joyful
face, ‘That… is… the Tradition!’
When I showed this joke to my Russian date (born and raised in Russia), she especially appreciated the part about "Who
are you following, the Devil?!" That is very authentically Russian and Orthodox, according to her.
When I first told her about Eucharistic miracles in the Catholic Church, and she harshly replied "Don’t bring the Devil to the
chalice!" - meaning don’t even mention your Catholic stuff in the same sentence with the Eucharist of the EOC -, I was
shocked, but not so much after I learned more about the Russian psyche, so well illustrated by the joke above.
I briefly did consider converting to Eastern Orthodoxy at that time. Since I grew up in Romania, a country which is at least
80% EO, I asked about the Romanian EOC. My Russian acquaintances first asked, are the Romanians Old Calendar or
New? When I said, New, that was all they needed to hear. Yup, Heretics - that was the answer. They didn’t even ask
whether the Romanian churches had pews or no pews, musical instruments, or if the Romanian priests have beards and
wear cassocks. No, they are damned New Calendar heretics - regardless of anything else.
After this, I started to think more about my native city in Romania, and how there were two (2) EO churches in my
meighborhood, one Romanian and one Serbian. I mean, we have Catholic churches where they celebrate Sunday Mass in
three languages like Hungarian, Romanian, German, they didn’t need to build separate Hungarian Catholic, Romanian Catholic,
German Catholic churches. And there’s a Catholic pilgrimage site not far from my native city where they celebrate Mass in 5
languages and more, no need to build 5 or more different churches for all the nations. So, why did the Romanians and the
Serbs need to build 2 separate churches, within 100 meters (300 feet) of each other? Well, you see, the Serbians are Old
Calendar, but the Romanians are damned heretics.
Which brings me to the next joke:
home.comcast.net/~acbfp/topten.html
Quote:
Russian Orthodox ‘Survivor’
Robinson Krusovsky was shipwrecked on an empty Pacific island. When after a long time a rescue ship came to pick him
up, the rescue party found two churches Robinson had built, complete with domes and three-bar crosses on top. ‘Why two?’
they asked. ‘One is the church I go to,’ Robinson explained. ‘The other is the church I don’t go to!’
There’s also an Ukrainian version to the joke above, as follows:
Robinson Hrusoev builds not two, but three churches. When the sailors ask him, why had he built three churches, he
replies: "One is an Old Calendar church. Another one is a New Calendar church. And the third one, is the one in which I
wouldn’t get caught dead!"
Also, when I attended ROCOR, the priest told parishioners not to present themselves for Holy Communion in the Greek and
Antiochian EOC. Also, ROCOR was out of communion with the Moscow Patriarchate (MP) at that time. There was also a
time in the 1990s when the MP broke communion with the EP (Constantinople). The lack of unity within the various EOC is
often seen not only in their disagreements on doctrine and discipline (and territorial jurisdiction), but in effectively breaking
communion with each other.