Questions about why you haven't had kids

[EasterJoy]

A few years ago I went to a small party for work and had to opportunity to meet some coworkers spouses.

I overheard one woman talk to someone else about her kids. She asked another woman about her kids. This other woman smiled and said she had none. Then that question was asked…“why not?”

She was bluntly honest…“well, five miscarriages might have something to do with it…”



I don’t like supporting the idea of being bluntly honest…but I can understand.

The woman who asked the question in the first place so deserved that. If this victim had not spoken up, after all, how many other victims would she have laid that question onto?

If you were to ask someone if they have children and they say, “no”, then you can simply say, “Well, I hope that if you want children, you can have them some day.” And, if it is true: “Whoever gets to be in your family would be fortunate.” It is better, though, to ask a more open-ended question, such as “But I’ve been boring you with my home life…What do you like to do when you’re not stuck here at work?” If they have a family life they want to talk about, they can. If not, they can talk about golf.

 

[Luvz2travel]

I get asked this occasionally and I’m not married. People seem to think that’s not required anymore just have kids to have them…but don’t have too many. For the record I chose not to have any since I never married but have no objection to adopting on my own one day. People will still ask. :dts:

 

[Giggly_Giraffe]

Why haven’t you had kids?

Fear, pain, and embarrassment are tools of he devil. Yes, we all should be mindful of pain. Remember, children are gifts from God. We can ask for a gift, but we cannot demand the gift. Many married couples never have children and are still saints. ignatius.com/Products/MSAB-P/married-saints-and-blesseds.aspx

You should also remember it’s human nature to want to fix things; even if it’s a prayer. When someone asks, they usually have the best intentions. If you opened your heart and shared the reason, they are then able to pray for you. Who knows, they may have a contact/resource that may help you. If they are not able to sit through you pouring your heart out, then they’ll never ask again.

 

[nickybr38]

I get asked this occasionally and I’m not married. People seem to think that’s not required anymore just have kids to have them…but don’t have too many. For the record I chose not to have any since I never married but have no objection to adopting on my own one day. People will still ask. :dts:

My mother suggested I get artificially inseminated if I haven’t met a husband before I hit menopause.

 

[Guernica]

My usual response is to first give the questioner (usually That One Nosy Uncle, or some elderly acquaintance of my mother-in-law’s) a long, silent, horrified, utterly blank stare.

Then I’ll give a brittle smile, and say: “Oh, there’s no need for you to keep tabs on my uterus. I’m perfectly capable of managing it myself, thanks.”

If they persist beyond that, just employ the cut direct and walk away without another word, because why on earth are you obligated to answer anyone’s idle questions about your intimate sex life? Why are you required to let anybody perform an audit of your reproductive efforts – who do they think they are, the Gynecological IRS?

At that point, you can’t be any ruder than they are, after all.

 

[bstorm]

Like some other posters mentioned before, these people ask inappropriate questions to everybody. If you have no children - when are you going to have some? If you have one child - when are you going to have another to have a pair? If you have two - are you done now? If you have three or more - have you heard of contraception? You simply cannot win…

The problem, in my opinion, is that our society is looking at children as a commodity. They are something you are supposed to have and you can have them (or not have them) as easily as buying something in the supermarket. You are infertile? Pay for the treatments to get pregnant. Or pay for an adoption. Get a child. You are too fertile? Pay for the anticonception. Pay for abortion. Don’t have a child. It is like buying a TV in the store. Everybody is supposed to have at least one at home, so if you do not own a TV you are strange. Now if you have 10 TVs at home you are strange too. But children are not things to be had - children are people, they are a gift.

The best thing to do with those types of comments is to keep the conversation as short as possible, providing the minimum amount of information. Do you have children? No. Why not? I do not know. Then repeat “I do not know” to every question that comes after that. Eventually, they will go pester somebody else. Sometimes people do not ask those questions to be mean, but more out of a concern for you, especially if they are close friends or family members. If their intentions are good, but you do not want to tell them - they figure it out pretty quickly and leave you alone. Some are quite nosy and those are difficult to deal with, especially if they are judging you (for example, implying you must be taking contraception or you hate children). It is best not to provide any information to these people and not get defensive as they will not believe you and make their own conclusions anyway.

I think overall, the intentions of a large portion of people asking these questions are not bad, many simply do not realize how loaded the question “do you have children” can be. What really gets me are people that think that having or not having children is simply a question of wanting or not wanting children, because it is sooo easy to get them.

 

[TrixieMcGee]

Why haven’t you had kids?

Fear, pain, and embarrassment are tools of he devil. Yes, we all should be mindful of pain. Remember, children are gifts from God. We can ask for a gift, but we cannot demand the gift. Many married couples never have children and are still saints. ignatius.com/Products/MSAB-P/married-saints-and-blesseds.aspx

You should also remember it’s human nature to want to fix things; even if it’s a prayer. When someone asks, they usually have the best intentions. If you opened your heart and shared the reason, they are then able to pray for you. Who knows, they may have a contact/resource that may help you. If they are not able to sit through you pouring your heart out, then they’ll never ask again.

It sounds like you don’t deal with this issue by the way you are talking about it. I know many people have good intentions whey asking, but private matters are private matters. Many people do not like to publicize their sexual lives, financial lives, reproductive issues, ect. Many times when answering this question it involves you discussing things that are really things that should be kept between you and your spouse.

The older I get, the more private I become. People tend to spread your personal business, talk about you behind your back, and tend not to be to kind about things you have no control over. Yes, adults are just as bad as children. My reproductive business is not something I want people talking or knowing about. That is my husband and my business alone. I only open up about private things with some of my family and don’t tell friends or acquaintances anything I don’t mind everyone knowing.

Also some issues are incredibly embarrassing. For instance when men are the ones that have the fertility issue, it can be very humiliating to them and make them feel like less of a man. Or sometimes you are struggling incredibly financially and you or your spouse feel horrible because outside issues prevent you for adequately providing for yourself or your family.

Also some these issues are really sensitive to you and cause you to cry each time you think about them. When someone asks you in front of a group or in a group setting (which most of the time this is the case) these questions, it can cause you to burst into tears in the middle of Church, at a family gathering, at a party, in a mall, or where ever. That is incredibly embarrassing and is more embarrassing when everyone tries to comfort you and ask what’s wrong.

 

[LJN21]

I think it was a Miss Manners I saw that stated, If someone ask you an inappropriate question, just answer as if they asked you an appropriate one.

When are you going have kids?
Yes, it is nice weather we are having today!

One of my pet peeves is people that think they need to pry in your personal lives. Bottom line is, (IMO) its really NONE of their business, and the hurt caused by these kinds of questions is not excusable.

 

[hannajomar]

TrixeeMcGee, thank-you sooo much for starting this thread. This is such a sore spot for me. I realize that even if I told people the reason we haven’t been able to conceive, they would probably assume there’s a quick fix. For many people our problem has a quick fix, but in our case it’s a bit more complicated than the simple diagnosis.

I don’t mind if someone asks in normal conversation, “are you two planning to have children?” You can tell by how they ask the question that they are just making conversation. If I answer, “We want children very much, but sometimes things don’t happen as you plan.” Usually, they don’t ask more.

But I have a certain family member, who has never asked me questions. She just tells me, “you two need to start having children.” She tells me that my husband’s father is old and he really needs to see a grandchild before he dies. Once, out of the blue, she tells me, “You should go get invitro fertilization.” Morality aside (she’s not Catholic), it angered me that she said it so flippantly, having no idea why we don’t have children. They way she said it made it sound as though ivf was as easy and cheap as going through the McDonald’s drive-through. Up until now, I’ve just been gracious and changed the subject as best I could. I’ve decided that the next time she brings it up, I will say with serious expression, “I don’t like talking about this.” She hasn’t brought the subject up since I’ve come up with this line. I hate complaining about people, but it just gets so difficult when it’s a painful issue without outside people.

 

[TrixieMcGee]

No problem Hanna. I created it because so many people I know deal with this same issue.

 

[maryjk]

Why not just be bluntly truthful?

“Trust me, we’re planting plenty of seeds, but nothing’s come up yet!”

“We’d love to, but we’re tired of mac’n cheese and the rent is overdue again. Want to contribute?”

"I’ve got this ovary problem, want to inspect my surgery scars?"

“She wants me to stop going out all night drinking with my buddies first, can you believe it?”

Find something blunt that contains some truth, but will throw them back on their heels. Have fun with it instead of getting mad. Turnabout is fair play, after all…

I know most people put the kibosh on these kinds of statements. But I use one.

Most of the time, if it is an older man, uncle or something like that, a medical explanation makes them pretty much run away. They DO NOT want to hear about uterine anomalies. Women can sometimes take it, but honestly? Most of them don’t want to hear about it either.

After I start explaining how women develop, they realize that they shouldn’t have asked the question in the first place.

 

[coopnann]

My husband and I were married 11 years before our daughter came to us (through adoption, then our second daughter 3 years later, also through adoption).

When people would ask why we didn’t have children or when we were going to have children, I would shrug my shoulders, say, “I don’t know.” And sometimes I would add, “You’ll have to ask God.” or “I guess when God decides!”

 

[cmscms]

For me it’s the worst when it comes to my in-laws because I don’t want to offend them by being vague or sarcastic but I also don’t want to talk to them about the truth because they will just give unsolicited advice. They mean well but they just don’t get it.

I really don’t think you whould worry about offending your in-laws if you aren’t really. In other words, there is nothing wrong with saying ‘please don’t ask’ and if they are offended it is not your fault.

I also have to wonder what yoru husband says. After all, IMO if it is his family, he has more of a responsibility to put a stop to it.

As for meaning well but just not getting it. Perhaps the reason they don’t get it is no one ever explained it to them. When I was younger I had an aunt offend me left, rigth and center. My mom use to say ‘She means well so you need to be polite to her’. Now that I am older, I think that was unfair to my aunt. She has a niece (ie me) who has no respect for her and nothing good to say about her. Maybe when i was a teenager had my mom politely explained how it hurt me, she would have listened and stopped. In a way, the person that ‘mean well’ loose out if they are not given a chance

CM

 

[Schieffelin]

I really don’t think you whould worry about offending your in-laws if you aren’t really. In other words, there is nothing wrong with saying ‘please don’t ask’ and if they are offended it is not your fault.

I also have to wonder what yoru husband says. After all, IMO if it is his family, he has more of a responsibility to put a stop to it.

As for meaning well but just not getting it. Perhaps the reason they don’t get it is no one ever explained it to them. When I was younger I had an aunt offend me left, rigth and center. My mom use to say ‘She means well so you need to be polite to her’. Now that I am older, I think that was unfair to my aunt. She has a niece (ie me) who has no respect for her and nothing good to say about her. Maybe when i was a teenager had my mom politely explained how it hurt me, she would have listened and stopped. In a way, the person that ‘mean well’ loose out if they are not given a chance

CM

Fair enough, but the main point is that I’m worried about inviting more drama. If I tell them the truth then they’re going to start offering ridiculous advice like certain teas I should drink or exercises I do. If you tell them “I don’t want to talk about it” then of course they assume that something is wrong and they’ll just keep prying.

I think a huge part of this is cultural–they are Latino and to them nothing is off limits for them to talk to each other about. They literally cannot comprehend someone being offended by these questions and advice. I could try very hard to educate them, but in the past I’ve learned that you can’t change things so deeply ingrained by culture–for example they will never be on time to anything no matter what I do. I hope I’m not offending anyone with these comments, lol. I’m really not racist, these are just things I’ve noticed about their culture.

Anyway, I’ve considered having my husband tell them when I’m not there that we’re having some issues and I would really appreciate them not bringing it up when we’re all together at dinner. I don’t really want them to know, but I think they would respect it and drop it if he asked them to.

 

[Schieffelin]

My husband and I were married 11 years before our daughter came to us (through adoption, then our second daughter 3 years later, also through adoption).

When people would ask why we didn’t have children or when we were going to have children, I would shrug my shoulders, say, “I don’t know.” And sometimes I would add, “You’ll have to ask God.” or “I guess when God decides!”

These are the responses I typically give. Unfortunately it doesn’t seem to stop people from asking again the next time they see you. Oh well! At least it’s not confrontational.

 

[TrixieMcGee]

These are the responses I typically give. Unfortunately it doesn’t seem to stop people from asking again the next time they see you. Oh well! At least it’s not confrontational.

I have tried different tactics and none really work, so I just reply the same every time I get asked by the same people, “It is a private matter and I really don’t wish to discuss it.” Doesn’t stop people from asking later, but it prevents it generally that time from going further.

 

[Joe_5859]

I think sometimes people are just making conversation. So I wouldn’t judge someone too harshly for asking the question.

Some people also have a smaller personal “bubble” than others. If they’re the type of person that doesn’t see a problem with sharing their medical history with a total stranger at the grocery store, it’s likely not going to occur to them that such a question is too personal.

 

[BettyBoop416]

“Trust me, we’re planting plenty of seeds, but nothing’s come up yet!”

Love it. I almost ruptured a lung laughing at that.

 

[cmscms]

Anyway, I’ve considered having my husband tell them when I’m not there that we’re having some issues and I would really appreciate them not bringing it up when we’re all together at dinner. I don’t really want them to know, but I think they would respect it and drop it if he asked them to.

Personally, I do NOT think this is a good idea. I would be concerned the next time you have a family gathering they will say 'So I heard the reason you can’t have kids is blah blah blah"

Also giving them a chance is NOT saying ‘I do not want to talk about it’ Giving them a chance is saying ‘I am from a culture where it is impolite to ask. Please stop’

CM

 

[LSK]

You know, I understand I have a really awful sense of humor, so do not take my suggestion seriously but I would be tempted to look at the person asking the question, make my eyes go kind of weird and put an odd smile on my face and then say, “YEAH…we can’t WAIT to have children”…maybe do it while holding a sweater…and then start stroking it like a cat.

OK, all that silliness aside, sometimes people say things because they honest to GOD do not realize they are hurting you or even being rude. In an age where every weirdo gets a reality tv show or goes on some talk show for a DNA test on 11 or 12 guys so they can figure out who their child’s father is, people seem to have developed without any filters. They think ANYTHING is ok for random conversation.

I have started to very quietly instruct people on what is ok to ask and what is not ok to ask. Really. I have. I am going to take the attitude that no one else ever bothered to teach them and I am starting to take every inappropriate question as an opportunity to help them grow as a human being. I very nicely, and with a low voice and sweet smile, say to them, “You probably don’t realize it, but that kind of question is really inapropriate. I know you don’t mean anything by it, but asking it is intrusive and hurtful.” Then I ask them how their week has been.

I have done this three times to people in the past month. It was awkward at first but I am getting better at it.

Maybe it is worth a try?