Questions on Annulments

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Thank you for all the feedback. I apologize if things got heated - no one’s comments have offended me. Regarding her potential outside individual, I don’t necessarily think that was a primary motivation in her leaving. And even so, that and infidelity (which I don’t think she has done) is not an inherent issue for me to be reconciled with her. As stated, I am willing to seek professional help and take as long as is necessary, but she has stated that she is isn’t interested.

As I mentioned, I have attempted tough love - so a month or so after my wife left me I began to see another woman. My wife is fully aware and claims not to care. I do not need a lecture to tell me about that this isn’t acceptable, etc. I am aware - but my own mental health is important for myself and my son at this point. Ironically, I believe that this has caused a positive effect - almost like chemotherapy for cancer lol.

A couple’s weekend isn’t feasible, and I really think it would make things worse at this point.

The fundamental i have is her total lack of desire to even attempt the process. She is basically decided that this is what she wants to do, and it would already be done save for me making her wait.

Her reason for leaving is that she states that I emotionally neglected her for a period of time. My side of the story is that she began exhibiting some bad habits, and I didn’t want to confront her, etc and was giving her distance. She also says that she’s built up resentment because I “didn’t get up enough at night with our son after he was born”. They both seem ridiculous to me and easily solved, but I guess once the door is closed it may not be able to be opened again.

Assuming that she doesn’t change her mind before my “deadline” I will proceed with granting divorce and then hiring an attorney to aid in the annulment process. I believe that my position will be “lack of complete knowledge of the level of commitment required for marriage” and that this is implicitly shown by her lack of attempting reconciliation and “giving up” even whenever I am clearly open to working through the issues and changing as needed.
 
The thing to remember is that a tribunal is there to look at any impediment at the time when the wedding took place so that it may have been an invalid marriage…not after the fact
 
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Thank you. I have spoken with my wife and have asked her to spend the next 60 days in thought to make sure that it was truly invalid on her side from the very beginning and to begin making notes of her thoughts and such. If I remember, I will send an update out to let you all know the final resolution.
 
As a personal opinion I think that annulments are a mockery in the US. It is obviously too easy to get one. I think it should be hard to get an annulment.
The US accounts for 87% of all annulments worldwide but has only 6% of world’s Catholics.
 
I don’t want to jump to conclusions here but I kind of wonder the same thing. “moved on” kind of implies…well, I would ask her in all honesty if she is seeing another man.
 
You will not even be able to start the annulment process (and my understanding is that no one should council you in getting an annulment) before you have been granted a civil divorce. Please talk to a priest.
 
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tifischer said:
You will not even be able to start the annulment process (and my understanding is that no one should council you in getting an annulment) before you have been granted a civil divorce. Please talk to a priest.
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I believe this is correct. The Church will not begin an annulment process until the civil divorce is final.
 
jfz178 said:
Technically true, but I found out that the reality is the grounds are so generic that stuff that happens after the marriage can be used as stand-alone “smoking gun” evidence of what was going on before the marriage. Some examples …:
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Did you write these “examples” yourself?

Dan
 
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The grounds listed are cut and pasted right out of the Church document verbatim. My comments are added in parens.
 
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Well if you are a Canon Lawyer, you would know that. If you are not, you can do a web search like I did.
 
I got it from an appendix to a tribunal application packet. It cites various Canons from 1095 to 1160. But you knew that and I knew you knew that, hence my first annoyed reply. Is that what Canon lawyers are about, being snarky?
 
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I did not, and do not, know where it is from, although I recognized some of the lingo as being related to certain canons of the Code of Canon Law. There are lots of statements out there that are trying to be applications of those canons. I am sure that I have not read most of them.

Dan
 
The part I don’t get is why you say you have no desire to reconcile, but will do so as a moral imperative. Would a passion for her, stoked by good memories you’ve shared, be helpful to her? What if you were to show more emotion at losing her?

Can you drag your feet when it comes to the divorce papers? Why would you grant them to her so quickly?

I don’t think it’s fair to the new woman to date her yet. You are not available by the Church’s definition. It is not good for her to be treading into your situation which is not resolved. If you need a confidant, try the priest or a psychologist.
 
I appreciate what you are saying @Lara, and I won’t speak for the OP, but my experience with my separation last year was that the opposite of what you suggest was my winning formula. I found separation headed toward divorce to be a bizarre emotional and practical situation where the common sense rules of relationships get turned upside down.

Emotion strangely enough did not appeal to her at all and she is a very emotional person. But I think when you cross the “D-line” in your mind, you harden up.

Trying to speed the divorce up and playing hardball with the economics of it helped. It made her feel she was losing control and was facing a bleak future. I also turned on the Catholic guilt trip. I know all that sounds “un-spouse like” and even cruel, but it was “tough love.”

But I also held out the olive branch. I let her know that I appreciated how she felt. I took responsibility for my part in that I offered to do whatever it took to make it right, long-term.

Now we are back together, have re-invented our relationship, have moved into a new house that we both paid for, and are truly happier than we have ever been. We both agree that last year was the best thing that could have happened in our marriage.

All I am trying to say is that it is a radical situation that requires radical solutions. I have learned not to judge what others need to do, but I like to share what I did that worked, just in case they get some helpful ideas from it.
 
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alchemon said:
This is to say, that she and i met at 19 or so and dated for a year or so and then began to cohabitate. She feels as if it all moved very quickly and she wasn’t perhaps adequately mature to do so. It is hard to explain her thoughts, but those are the jist of it.
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That’s one of the major grounds for an annulment. If she isn’t lying, then basically you aren’t married. A person has to be mature enough to enter a marriage. Sexual intercourse before marriage also causes chemical effects in the brain, as in detectable by nuclear chemistry; Both of you weren’t in a situation to make the decision to marry.

However, you now have to deal with the effects of having sexual intercourse with a woman for many years. Your internal feelings can’t change; and if you grew to love her, then obviously the suffering you will endure is very great.

Your options moving forward are to decide whether or not your wife is even mature and capable enough of acting as a true Catholic. St. Paul gives the advice that if two people can’t be at peace, when an unbeliever is involved; then divorce is permitted.

I am going through an annulment proceeding, and I too have some questions about the annulment trial. But the advice I would give you is this … priests acting in persona Christi are NOT an institution of men, but of divine authority. Listen to the priests and accept their judgment. If your wife talks to a priest for “counselling”, and he believes she is immature (now) … then allow the divorce to happen, and go through an annulment trial. One sided love with an immature adult is a recepie for disaster. There is little else you can do.

The main issue is that going forward, you’re going to have to master chastity. I do dates for fun, but not anything serious. I refused to even talk to women for a few years after the divorce, but I realized that gave my ex-wife grounds to accuse me in the annulment trial. It’s weird, every fear I had about what my immature ex would try has come true.

Good luck.
 
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