I’m sorry to hear of your troubles. I know that this is a big obstacle for many that want to come into the Catholic Church. It can truly test your resolve, to be sure. As one who handles RCIA at my parish, I have seen this first hand. I concur with the advice that it would be a good idea to talk to your pastor about all this. He is in a far better position to advise you than any of us here. And, no doubt, he would be happy to do so.
Perhaps this is something you already know, but I like to try to encourage people to see it from the Church’s perspective.
In Catholic teaching, we take the sacraments very seriously. That is why we are always asking for documentation regarding Baptisms, for example. We need to know for sure where and how and if a person was baptized because the sacrament cannot be repeated.
The Church also takes marriage very seriously, such as Jesus’ teaching that marriage is for life and what God has joined, man must not separate. This is why people cannot just get divorced and marry someone else.
But, the Church acknowledges that there are many cases (in the present day in particular where the understanding of marriage is so poor) where people do not validly enter into marriage even though they go through the motions and file all the right paperwork. This is where the annulment process comes in. It is the means by which the Church can investigate these former bonds in order to figure out whether or not a marriage actually took place. And if it is determined that a prior bond did not take place, then the person is free to marry someone else.
In cases like yours, that means investigating the prior marriages for both of you because you both need to be free to marry in order to be married in the Catholic Church.
And this does require an investigation, because the Church takes this seriously. If it was just a matter of looking at a few documents and one-page form from one person’s perspective, it would be very difficult for those entrusted with investigating to form a clear judgment. The margin for error would be much higher.
So, as much as it can be painful and tedious and just plain difficult, the hard questions must be asked. Multiple sources must be consulted. Both parties must have the opportunity to share their side of the story. Through this process, the tribunal office (the office at the diocese that handles these cases) can get to a place where they can more confidently render a just judgment.
I had a guy this past year drop out of RCIA for this very reason. He himself had not been previously married, but his wife had been. She wasn’t even in RCIA, so it was difficult for either of them to understand why she had to go through the annulment process. It dredged up a painful past relationship that they had both already put behind them, and they didn’t want to have to go through that. I get that. I really do. But, what is the Church supposed to do? Grant an annulment with no investigation? Pretend that the prior marriage bond makes no difference? That would certainly make my job easier and more pleasant, but then we have just undermined the Church’s teaching on marriage and its permanence. The whole teaching becomes effectively meaningless because it no longer matters whether people get divorced and remarried in any circumstance. Indeed, that is exactly what has happened in many Protestant denominations who have opted for the easier, less confrontational route.
It’s a tough situation all around. No denying that. There is no easy answer that will make the whole process easy and painless for everyone involved. I get why that is frustrating to people. I do. So many other sins of our past life need simply be brought to Confession to have the slate wiped clean and make entry into the Church possible. But not with divorce and remarriage. For that, it takes a long process of answering all sorts of personal questions and putting friends and family on the spot to do the same. That’s no one’s idea of a good time.
Pope Francis has been making attempts at reform to make the process less painful, but there is only so much that can be done. I don’t really see a way around it.
My advice (in addition to talking to your pastor which, again, I greatly encourage you to do) is to take it to prayer. Pray for wisdom. Pray for courage. Pray about the ways you can talk this over with your wife. Pray for the whole process. Pray, pray, and pray some more! That’s the only way through it.
I will say a prayer for you and your family.
Do you think that part of the problem could be solved simply by having those working on the case be more pastorally sensitive and/or compassionate in their demeanor (with all else being equal)?