RCIA with Spouse

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So I’m really struggling right now as my wife and I are going through the RCIA process. To start, the idea of converting was very much my idea and there is a good possibility if I hadn’t brought Catholicism up then she wouldn’t ever learn about it.

Long story short is she won’t discuss Catholicism with me at all…I’m completely in the dark on what she thinks/how she feels about the faith. With the Rite of Election and Rite of Sending right around the corner I have no idea what she “wants” to do or how she feels. I know that each person is on their own journey and I tried to explain that early on that we wouldn’t necessarily be on the same pace in the conversion process.

In my mind she doesn’t seem ready to convert from the little information I have gathered, but I’m afraid she is going to last minute say “oh I think I’ll join” or “no thanks this isn’t for me” without any sort of heads up.

I’m really trying hard to be patient and give her space but not knowing how she feels about the faith is really getting to me since we are a family with four kids. The decision to join or not join will have a huge impact on the way our family is shaped moving forward.

Thanks for listening.
 
Perhaps this is an area where your wife is communicating more with the RCIA team or with her sponsor. I don’t know what’s going on – obviously – but if she’s having doubts, maybe she doesn’t quite want to communicate them to you for fear of disappointing you.

I think you’re right that different people are in different places in terms of faith and move at different rates. If she’s not ready right now, perhaps it’s better for her to wait a while until she is ready. Pray for her but don’t push her.

Prayers for you both.
 
Thank you for the reply and prayers. One thing to add is that our sponsor (we are sharing one) hasn’t been of much help to be honest. I don’t know how it works in some classes and sponsors as far as how active they are, but we are not close to our sponsor at all.

I don’t think she is talking to anyone about the process, perhaps some of her close non-Catholic friends but beyond that I don’t think she is discussing it at all.
 
I wish I could offer some better support. Pray for her and be open to discussing things if she wants to. I hope it works out well.
 
Welcome home. Praying to the Holy Spirit to give you & your wife guidance, direction, strength, fortitude & wisdom in your time of need. God bless you & your wife on your RCIA journey.
 
Take a deep breath and relax. Put it in Gods hands. Above all if your wife isn’t talking to you about it, respect that do not push her.

I was in a very similar position to you. I wanted to convert for several years, four total I think. My wife made it a clear non starter for me to convert without her. Literally I was forbidden. She was not very open to Catholicism at all. I went to the part of the program right up till you commit and have the right of enrollment 2 years in a row then didn’t go forward as a result. The 3rd year she announced she was going to the sessions and I stayed home. She didn’t move forward.

The fourth year she announced at home that we would be becoming Catholic. But as we went through the sessions there were reservations and questions. I did not push. I was scared to death she would not move forward. I didn’t even ask. It came down to the night where we were asked if we would or would not be moving forward and I had to wait to see what she said. I was a bundle of nerves. This time she said yes and we both moved forward. But it could easily have gone the other way.

Respect the fact she is not willing to talk with you about it. Just pray. Prayer is always the answer. Pray and accept whatever happens as God’s will, even if it doesn’t go the way you hope this year.

From what I understand it is not common for a husband and wife to convert at the same time. It does happen though because in my case, eventually, it did.
 
Hi there. If I were you, I would simply keep going to your RCIA classes and moving through each step of the process. Your wife will come along if she wishes to do so, it might be this year, it might be next or it may not happen at all.

I know some people find it difficult to discuss ‘religious things’ as it’s unfamiliar ground and may even feel a little embarrassing, even if in her heart she feel differently.

I converted to Catholicism from the CofE last year, my husband doesn’t want to become a Catholic but is a Christian and is sympathetic. It’s easier for us as we are older and there are no children to consider. After a year, I can say that he is still very supportive of everything I do which is related to my faith. He has been to Mass with me once (not easy for him to attend as he has health issues) and is always interested to hear about the service and the homily when I get home. We are just about to move house to the very same little block that my church is on, and he was very keen for this to happen so that I would be near to everything.

I suppose what I’m saying is that even if your wife decides not to become a Catholic now or ever, it doesn’t mean that you can’t share your faith with her and bring your children up as Catholics. She’s obviously not opposed to Catholicism, or she wouldn’t have attended RCIA in the first place.

Good luck with everything, I hope it all works out for you.
 
Thank you for all the replies and concerns. I need to keep in mind that I’m not in control and I don’t need to be in control of the situation. Ultimately God will handle the situation and take care of everything.

I guess I just need to “let it go” as they sing in the movie Frozen…4 young daughters at home, that means I’ve seen it a time or two.
 
Does the pastor chat with those in RCIA? If so, hopefully she will be open with him.
 
I went through RCIA twice because my fiance (now husband) wanted to convert and the first time was my first exposure to Catholicism outside of what I had been taught in a Baptist church (which was very inaccurate). My fiance would get very excited with all the new information and becoming more involved and connected with the faith… I was very defensive and we ended up having several fights on the topic. It took me nearly two years later to get myself together (study/pray… all that good stuff) to make the decision to convert. I pray for the best during this process. It’s a journey and even though you may not end up on the same “team” just remember that God is with you both and He will reveal the light of faith upon your wife when it’s time. : ) God bless.
 
The associate pastor does attend and teach/chat with the group. However my wife is incredibly shy and I don’t foresee her speaking with anyone on the topic. Unfortunately 😞

I’ll just continue the journey praying and be as gracious as possible.
 
Update: my wife has opened up a bit to me. She is really hung up on the church’s beliefs on contraception. She basically said she has struggled with that so much that she hasn’t even considered other typical sticking points for Protestants. Hasn’t developed opinion on Mary, real-presence, authority etc. she is too hung up on contraception.

I feel like I need to tell her or someone does that she shouldn’t go through the upcoming Rites. I just don’t feel like anyone should covert if they aren’t sold. As I’ve heard a priest before “there are already enough bad Catholics so the church doesn’t need bad converts as well.”

Advice please.
 
I hate to see anyone take the position that someone else should not become Catholic.

Someone may decide for him or herself that it’s best to wait. Someone in a position to make such a judgment may suggest that someone should wait. But I don’t think it’s the place for a spouse, family member, or friend.

If your wife is comfortable with moving forward, I think it’s her decision to make. She’s the one who has to decide if she can honestly make the profession of faith: “I believe and profess all that the holy Catholic Church believes, teaches, and proclaims to be revealed by God.”

If she can stand in front of God and the Church and make that statement, it’s a sign that the Holy Spirit has been working and will continue to work in her life And when the Spirit is active, hearts can change.

Will she be a good Catholic? I don’t know. I can’t make that judgment about anyone other than myself, and I’m all too aware of my flaws.

My advice to you is to take a step back and allow your wife to pursue her own faith journey and her own relationship with God. Pray for her, but don’t make decisions that aren’t yours to make.
 
I’m not prepared to make a judgement of whether she should or shouldn’t necessarily. But no one should be encouraged to join if they aren’t in a position in which they say they believe.

I’m only going off of what she has told me, that she hasn’t even assessed a lot of the beliefs because she can’t get past the contraception beliefs.

I have done my best to keep quiet, but it is hard not knowing if we’ll be Catholic together or not.

Thanks for advice and replies.
 
sfleet said:
So I’m really struggling right now as my wife and I are going through the RCIA process. To start, the idea of converting was very much my idea and there is a good possibility if I hadn’t brought Catholicism up then she wouldn’t ever learn about it.

Long story short is she won’t discuss Catholicism with me at all…I’m completely in the dark on what she thinks/how she feels about the faith. With the Rite of Election and Rite of Sending right around the corner I have no idea what she “wants” to do or how she feels. I know that each person is on their own journey and I tried to explain that early on that we wouldn’t necessarily be on the same pace in the conversion process.

In my mind she doesn’t seem ready to convert from the little information I have gathered, but I’m afraid she is going to last minute say “oh I think I’ll join” or “no thanks this isn’t for me” without any sort of heads up.

I’m really trying hard to be patient and give her space but not knowing how she feels about the faith is really getting to me since we are a family with four kids. The decision to join or not join will have a huge impact on the way our family is shaped moving forward.

Thanks for listening.
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I can’t imagine being married to someone and not knowing what they thought about the biggest issue in the world, faith. I have no real advice other than I am shocked that your communication level is so low with this. Does she maybe feel that if you make her talk about it that you will lecture her? This is common with new converts.

Are you too excited about your faith that it comes off as combative?
Is every discussion a debate?
Are there other subjects that are like this (politics for example)
How long have you been married?
Do you find that in the past you have jumped from one thing to another and she may feel this is just your latest “phase”?
Do you think she has checked out of the Marriage?
Do you have kids?
 
sfleet said:
Update: my wife has opened up a bit to me. She is really hung up on the church’s beliefs on contraception. She basically said she has struggled with that so much that she hasn’t even considered other typical sticking points for Protestants. Hasn’t developed opinion on Mary, real-presence, authority etc. she is too hung up on contraception.

I feel like I need to tell her or someone does that she shouldn’t go through the upcoming Rites. I just don’t feel like anyone should covert if they aren’t sold. As I’ve heard a priest before “there are already enough bad Catholics so the church doesn’t need bad converts as well.”

Advice please.
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Every convert is a bad convert. At the beginning. It is just the nature of converting. I was a convert and my orthodoxy has since strengthened. The question is, is she willing to be obedient even if she does not understand and agree. Because that is faith.
 
Thank you all for the replies, but it is getting into the 4th quarter here. The Rites of Sending and Election are right around the corner and it is time to “get serious” as one of our priests said.

I’ve been incredibly happy and looking forward to this moment…imagining the moment when I get to receive communion for the first time is something that I do often. My experience is a very positive one.

My wife on the other hand is still “on the fence” and by her own account isn’t looking forward to joining and isn’t happy about it and yet is still considering joining. I really don’t think she needs to go through with it, but I do know that it isn’t my place to decide for her.

But shouldn’t coming to Jesus and his Church be a moment of happiness and not of great anger and sadness? The anger are her words and not something that i’ve come up with. I’m having a really hard time understanding where she is coming from.
 
sfleet said:
Thank you all for the replies, but it is getting into the 4th quarter here. The Rites of Sending and Election are right around the corner and it is time to “get serious” as one of our priests said.

I’ve been incredibly happy and looking forward to this moment…imagining the moment when I get to receive communion for the first time is something that I do often. My experience is a very positive one.

My wife on the other hand is still “on the fence” and by her own account isn’t looking forward to joining and isn’t happy about it and yet is still considering joining. I really don’t think she needs to go through with it, but I do know that it isn’t my place to decide for her.

But shouldn’t coming to Jesus and his Church be a moment of happiness and not of great anger and sadness? The anger are her words and not something that i’ve come up with. I’m having a really hard time understanding where she is coming from.
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Has she talked to a priest at all about what she is feeling? Her reservations, everything? An honest, forthright discussion might help her understand her reservations and either work through them or decide to walk away.

Our priest gave a wonderful homily last week on how sometimes when we look at church discipline and just see an obligation or a rule, perhaps what we need to do is look at the reasons and rationale behind that “obligation”. Once we understand it, it is easier to see how we are acting out of love, not obligation.
 
Unfortunately she hasn’t talked to anyone other than myself about Catholicism. I’ve encouraged her to speak to me as well as others but getting information from her is like pulling teeth.

I think her talking to a priest would be the last thing she would do…another reason i don’t think she is ready. I don’t think she would even be ready to give a good confession. I understand that she is shy and reserved but being open to the Church and understanding that the Priest is there to help you should be discovered pretty early on in one’s conversion to Catholicism.

I’ve discovered that no matter what I say it is wrong…I try to tell her that if she isnt’ ready to wait (she interprets that as I don’t want her to convert). Early on when I was excited about it and sharing she thought it wasn’t sincere and was very combative.

I just think that if it is God’s will (that she convert right now) he would help open her heart and it would be a happy event for her, which could still come with some reluctance. But there is no sign of happiness in the conversion whatsoever.
 
sfleet said:
Unfortunately she hasn’t talked to anyone other than myself about Catholicism. I’ve encouraged her to speak to me as well as others but getting information from her is like pulling teeth.

I think her talking to a priest would be the last thing she would do…another reason i don’t think she is ready. I don’t think she would even be ready to give a good confession. I understand that she is shy and reserved but being open to the Church and understanding that the Priest is there to help you should be discovered pretty early on in one’s conversion to Catholicism.

I’ve discovered that no matter what I say it is wrong…I try to tell her that if she isnt’ ready to wait (she interprets that as I don’t want her to convert). Early on when I was excited about it and sharing she thought it wasn’t sincere and was very combative.

I just think that if it is God’s will (that she convert right now) he would help open her heart and it would be a happy event for her, which could still come with some reluctance. But there is no sign of happiness in the conversion whatsoever.
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Is it possible that she interprets you as being just a little bit judgmental? Based on what you’ve said, I wouldn’t be considered “ready” to convert. I have a tremendous amount of difficulty talking to the priests, the prospect of Confession has been an ongoing fear, and while I appreciate that the priests are there to help, it’s a struggle for me to open up. I’m just not that person. My RCIA team, however, is thrilled with where I am on my faith journey - because it is a journey, not some sort of process where you emerge at the end, a fully-baked Catholic.

Maybe you could just be supportive of her, wherever she is in her journey. If she raises concerns, suggest she talk to the parish priest or RCIA leader, but remove yourself from the equation, because it feels to me like she isn’t measuring to your expectations, not God’s.
 
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