Realizing that asking for marriage advice on CAF is dangerous

[Serap]

Is it just me, or are a lot of married people asking for marriage advice (giving a one sided story) and then the responses that validate them get them all riled up and ready for conflict with their spouse?

This is so dangerous. If I were to tell you my side of the story about some of my marriage issues, you guys would be telling me to go to marriage encounter, separate, give him his own medicine, beat him at his game, etc.

This is such a dangerous way of asking for marriage advice! There’s always 2 sides to a story and the truth is somewhere inbetween. Why do CAF people give such distorted marriage advice on a one-sided story? It’s scary to see how many marriages could fail because of bad CAF advice.

Is it just me that thinks this way?

 

[puzzleannie]

i heartily agree, to the point that maybe it should be a banned topic, like asking for medical advice.

also there should be a sticky someplace that says: be advised that in any thread with questions about annulment at least half, and probably more of the posts will be wrong totally or in part

 

[mary1173]

There are many topics that should be kept off the boards.Separations, annulments, divorce and others that would be best left for a therapist to answer with the company of his/her spouse.

 

[JPUSC]

Is it just me, or are a lot of married people asking for marriage advice (giving a one sided story) and then the responses that validate them get them all riled up and ready for conflict with their spouse?

This is so dangerous. If I were to tell you my side of the story about some of my marriage issues, you guys would be telling me to go to marriage encounter, separate, give him his own medicine, beat him at his game, etc.

This is such a dangerous way of asking for marriage advice! There’s always 2 sides to a story and the truth is somewhere inbetween. Why do CAF people give such distorted marriage advice on a one-sided story? It’s scary to see how many marriages could fail because of bad CAF advice.

Is it just me that thinks this way?

Yeah, that’s why you aren’t supposed to take advice on the internet pertaining to personal matters too seriously.

 

[estesbob]

Is it just me, or are a lot of married people asking for marriage advice (giving a one sided story) and then the responses that validate them get them all riled up and ready for conflict with their spouse?

This is so dangerous. If I were to tell you my side of the story about some of my marriage issues, you guys would be telling me to go to marriage encounter, separate, give him his own medicine, beat him at his game, etc.

This is such a dangerous way of asking for marriage advice! There’s always 2 sides to a story and the truth is somewhere inbetween. Why do CAF people give such distorted marriage advice on a one-sided story? It’s scary to see how many marriages could fail because of bad CAF advice.

Is it just me that thinks this way?

Usually in within the first 30 posts of a marriage advice thread someone is telling the OP they should get divorced. i would NEVER ask for marriage advice on any on-line forum.

 

[yessisan]

I agree after making the dumb mistake of asking for advice. It bit me in the rear end. And got many mean, and awful responses, including PMs from people I thought were my friends, so I am with you on theis Serap.

Annie, I am with you, it should be a banned topic.

 

[Joseph_L_Varga]

I approach this issue from a different perspective. Many people come to this forum who are in seriously abusive situations and it doesn’t take rocket science to figure out, they should leave urgently for their own safety. I believe it is a work of mercy to help such people by advising and empowering them to leave. They should take advice from various sources, including their priest, family members and close friends who know the details of their situation. Asking advice from strangers who only hear one side of the story on an internet forum may be less helpful, but it does have a place. Especially when the posters on this forum advise the people seeking help to also go and talk to their priests, seek professional legal and medical help at a shelter for abused people, etc.

 

[Mamselle_Duroc]

I guess I’m going a bit out on a limb here, as I’m young and unmarried and so I ‘wouldn’t know,’ but I get very uncomfortable with some of the topics I see on this subforum. It seems to me that big topics should be discussed with those who are actually qualified to give answers; and that little topics shouldn’t be discussed at all.

One of my mama’s biggest rules in her marriage was never to talk about my daddy behind his back. She’s stressed multiple times how important this is, and how I need to take it very seriously before I get married. Wasn’t anyone else raised like this?

It’s an matter of trust. If my husband were coming to a message forum and telling a group of strangers about all my issues, I would be hurt beyond words. To do such a thing to anyone strikes me as extremely lacking in fundamental Christian charity; to do such a thing to one’s own spouse is unbelievable. How can that possibly be healthy for a marriage?

With all respect: I’m so grateful that I have my mother, who only ever praises her husband in public places. The way the world turns, it looks like even on Catholic forums I’m going to find very few good examples, which is unfortunate, because the way my life is right now Catholic forums are the only opportunity I have to get together with groups of Catholic wives and mothers and try to learn from their experience and wisdom.

I’m kind of scared to post this, as I realize it’s rather personal. But, please, remember you have young people watching. Please think about that before you post a rant about your husband’s latest failing. Is it really necessary? Are you setting a good example of what a wife should be?

(And thank you so much to all of you who make a point of only lifting your man up… it means more to me than I can express.)

 

[Liberanosamalo]

I’ll take the other side. Because I’m probably one of those people y’all are condemning for reading and answering, often with advice to “get counselling” or to leave.

Here’s my point of view… people coming here are usually pretty devout about their faith. Yes, you only hear their side of the story. And if you’ll read some of those threads you’ll see that it takes a while to get the whole picture out there. Take it from someone who was dragged to more than her fair share of marriage counselors by an abusive husband. I know the kind of questions they ask.

Often by the time people are here questioning their very marriage vocation, they have exhausted all other ideas. Serap, you are in a normal happy relationship. The occasional problem you encounter may sound bad if you were to discuss it here in a fit of pique, but you are not so driven to the edge by years of abuse that you are asking strangers if you are crazy or sane and spilling your marriage situation on the internet because you are at your wit’s end.

Until you’ve been in that boat, you cannot judge the mindset and what compels people to come to a forum like this with a problem. Often families tell them to endure and don’t divorce, don’t cause a problem, be nice, stick it out. Even if it’s killing them.

Yes, the advice is often negative. Because some of these problems are such cliches that they are shorthand for other issues that are easy to see from a distance but virtually unsolveable. Like marriage to a narcissist. And if you doubt they exist, go watch tv today and see Drew Peterson being led into court to be arraigned for murdering his wife and he’s smiling and laughing at the chopper camera. I’ll bet if Kathleen Savio and his 4th wife had written here about their fears and issues, some would have said we would be wrong to tell them to get out NOW. Maybe they should have gone to counseling?

I spent 10 years with someone who still scares me. And we’ve been divorced longer than we were married. I prayed, I tried, I went to counselling. I was told to try harder, if I was holier, more understanding, more forgiving, patient, kinder, didn’t ask much more of him, gave him time… blah blah blah… well, I wish the internet was around then like it is now. I might, from my isolated state in a house with him, have heard a different voice than his. Maybe someone here who had “been there done that” would have helped me to see earlier and more clearly that my life and sanity depended upon leaving.

When you try for years and the problem only gets worse, there is something very, very wrong. Those who “try” and the problem gets better are married to normal people. So they think everyone’s problem should get better also and the naysayers should shut up because people would quit too early or something.

I respectfully put forward that such advice would eventually have been very dangerous for me personally.

No, my xh wouldn’t have written here. His faith meant nothing. If he did, he would have told y’all how unstable I was and what a ****** family I had and how hard he was working to “make it work.” Sometimes the other side of the story is a pack of lies. Does it matter if you hear “both sides” then? Ask the Mrs. Petersons. Oh, wait. You can’t. They’re dead.

It is wrong to say every instance here has received the counsel to leave. Several days ago I told someone to stay. Oddly, a few months back, I told someone to work it out and with more information, I joined the “time to go” crowd.

To ban these topics may cut off the only avenue some very scared and isolated people have to get an objective or dispassionate or uninvolved viewpoint or a different perspective.

Yes, it’s buyer beware. But so was the verbal advice I got from people who thought they knew my husband and saw only his charming side to be more understanding and pray for my husband and keep the marriage going. That advice darn near destroyed me.

There really ARE two sides to every story, even the marriage “advice” on CAF. Sometimes people are told at home they are the problem. They begin to doubt their own judgment even when the problem is screaming in their faces. It’s nice to know someone out there might be able to tell them, “No, it’s not you. Your instincts are correct. Don’t argue yourself out of it.”

Just my opinion. And I’ll tell abused women and abused husbands here who are beginning to doubt the very love of God by the time they come here with their stories that they have rights and not to accept mistreatment and abuse and disrespect until they either shut it down or ban me.

 

[Liberanosamalo]

I guess I’m going a bit out on a limb here, as I’m young and unmarried and so I ‘wouldn’t know,’ but I get very uncomfortable with some of the topics I see on this subforum. It seems to me that big topics should be discussed with those who are actually qualified to give answers; and that little topics shouldn’t be discussed at all.

One of my mama’s biggest rules in her marriage was never to talk about my daddy behind his back. She’s stressed multiple times how important this is, and how I need to take it very seriously before I get married. Wasn’t anyone else raised like this?

It’s an matter of trust. If my husband were coming to a message forum and telling a group of strangers about all my issues, I would be hurt beyond words. To do such a thing to anyone strikes me as extremely lacking in fundamental Christian charity; to do such a thing to one’s own spouse is unbelievable. How can that possibly be healthy for a marriage?

I’m kind of scared to post this, as I realize it’s rather personal. But, please, remember you have young people watching. Please think about that before you post a rant about your husband’s latest failing. Is it really necessary? Are you setting a good example of what a wife should be?

(And thank you so much to all of you who make a point of only lifting your man up… it means more to me than I can express.)

You sound like a very nice young lady. And you are right, one should not denigrate one’s spouse.

I used to believe that also. So I never told my family anything bad about my husband. Or the neighbors. I never complained about him at all. I was raised to only build him up. So when he finally walked out on me, everyone was surprised. They didn’t know things were that bad. And when he wanted to come back they counselled me to forgive and give another chance. Because they didn’t know the whole story. Lies can kill.

I let him back. Eventually I finally started talking to other people. It saved my life. You see the “experts” we went to for counselling really didn’t give me good advice. The best advice I ever got was from women who had walked in my very shoes. You will learn in life that not everyone with a plaque on their office wall knows what they are talking about.

I’m sorry you find the very real and too common problems discussed openly here upsetting. As you get older though, these problems won’t be discussed on message boards. They will come from friends sobbing in your kitchen or calling you on the phone in the middle of the night because they might not have anyone else to turn to.

You can avoid reading about it here, or you can learn from other people’s mistakes. You can see that many of us married for all the right reasons and did “all the right things” and it still went badly. That’s life. I do think most of the young people watching have family issues somewhere in their lives that realistically mirror or surpass what is discussed here. Anywhere you have people, you have sin and people struggling to deal with that. Sugarcoating life might sound nice but it doesn’t prepare one. I wish I knew more before I got married because I would have made very different choices.

And while it may not be “Christian” to talk about a spouse’s problem to strangers, to some it is preferable to talking about it to a neighbor or friend or trusted family member who will remember long after the problem is “fixed” what happened and the spouse will unwittingly be around someone who is looking at them with different eyes. Which really is better? Mr. Never Bathes will never have to talk to me. If his wife can get him to change, her marriage will be better and he can go about his daily business without people he knows knowing exactly how unfair he was deliberately being to his wife.

There is something to be said for having a place where people can vent anonymously so they don’t explode at home. Is it better to vent at the spouse? Is THAT better for a marriage? Ask the guy whose wife went to the Philippines if it would have been better if he had waited and reamed her on the phone instead of coming here with his doubts. Many of us set his mind at ease. And his wife is none the wiser the dark things going through his mind.

The older you get the more you’ll see that life isn’t totally black and white. Many of us live in gray land. Even if we don’t like it. I learn a lot from the people here.

But perhaps they should break the forum into two fora: Happy Families and Bad Families. That way people who don’t want to read about problems can stay in one area and talk about how great things are, and those who are at their wits ends can post in a place where they can be listened to. The reader can decide where they want to go.

I’m happy for you that your father was the kind of man who deserved to be lifted up by your mother. But do know that you can also learn from women whose wisdom and experience comes from great pain and sadness. Right now you don’t know which way your own life will go. Be open to all those who have something to share.

 

[whatevergirl]

I guess I’m going a bit out on a limb here, as I’m young and unmarried and so I ‘wouldn’t know,’ but I get very uncomfortable with some of the topics I see on this subforum. It seems to me that big topics should be discussed with those who are actually qualified to give answers; and that little topics shouldn’t be discussed at all.

One of my mama’s biggest rules in her marriage was never to talk about my daddy behind his back. She’s stressed multiple times how important this is, and how I need to take it very seriously before I get married. Wasn’t anyone else raised like this?

It’s an matter of trust. If my husband were coming to a message forum and telling a group of strangers about all my issues, I would be hurt beyond words. To do such a thing to anyone strikes me as extremely lacking in fundamental Christian charity; to do such a thing to one’s own spouse is unbelievable. How can that possibly be healthy for a marriage?

With all respect: I’m so grateful that I have my mother, who only ever praises her husband in public places. The way the world turns, it looks like even on Catholic forums I’m going to find very few good examples, which is unfortunate, because the way my life is right now Catholic forums are the only opportunity I have to get together with groups of Catholic wives and mothers and try to learn from their experience and wisdom.

I’m kind of scared to post this, as I realize it’s rather personal. But, please, remember you have young people watching. Please think about that before you post a rant about your husband’s latest failing. Is it really necessary? Are you setting a good example of what a wife should be?

(And thank you so much to all of you who make a point of only lifting your man up… it means more to me than I can express.)

*I agree with your post…My motto…if you would cringe at your husband/wife reading your posts on here about them, probably shouldn’t post it. I think that it’s one thing to joke around, another to disparage one’s spouse behind his/her back…

I do agree though with Liberano, that some people are at the end of their ropes, so to speak…they are venting, or seeking solid Catholic advice…so they know perhaps the next step to take. I mainly see ‘seek counseling’ or ‘talk to your priest,’ over ‘get a divorce.’ I don’t see that too often…

I will say though that if anything good comes from posting such issues here, it’s that many people end up praying for you! (that is a good thing) *

 

[takers]

Has anyone seen the movie Straight Talk with Dolly Parton? This same issue came up. A radio caller called in to say that he and his wife had previously been alcoholics but that he was sober. However, his wife continued to drink and was putting their children in dangerous situations. Dolly’s advice was to take his and his children’s life and make them safe, so if that meant leaving the wife he needed to do so for the sake of the children. Later on the wife met up with Dolly and said that Dolly gave advice that ruined her marriage with only hearing one side of the story. In reality the wife was going through counseling to be sober and there were other problems in the marriage besides the alcohol. Instead of working on them the husband used Dolly’s advice as justification to leave. Basically, the caller wanted to leave but needed others to agree with him and his decisions before he could do so. By not giving the whole story his reasons were more validated. Seems like this happens on the forum, too. Only one side of the story is given to validate whatever the poster is feeling.

 

[Serap]

You sound like a very nice young lady. And you are right, one should not denigrate one’s spouse.

I used to believe that also. So I never told my family anything bad about my husband. Or the neighbors. I never complained about him at all. I was raised to only build him up. So when he finally walked out on me, everyone was surprised. They didn’t know things were that bad. And when he wanted to come back they counselled me to forgive and give another chance. Because they didn’t know the whole story. Lies can kill.

I let him back. Eventually I finally started talking to other people. It saved my life. You see the “experts” we went to for counselling really didn’t give me good advice. The best advice I ever got was from women who had walked in my very shoes. You will learn in life that not everyone with a plaque on their office wall knows what they are talking about.

I’m sorry you find the very real and too common problems discussed openly here upsetting. As you get older though, these problems won’t be discussed on message boards. They will come from friends sobbing in your kitchen or calling you on the phone in the middle of the night because they might not have anyone else to turn to.

You can avoid reading about it here, or you can learn from other people’s mistakes. You can see that many of us married for all the right reasons and did “all the right things” and it still went badly. That’s life. I do think most of the young people watching have family issues somewhere in their lives that realistically mirror or surpass what is discussed here. Anywhere you have people, you have sin and people struggling to deal with that. Sugarcoating life might sound nice but it doesn’t prepare one. I wish I knew more before I got married because I would have made very different choices.

And while it may not be “Christian” to talk about a spouse’s problem to strangers, to some it is preferable to talking about it to a neighbor or friend or trusted family member who will remember long after the problem is “fixed” what happened and the spouse will unwittingly be around someone who is looking at them with different eyes. Which really is better? Mr. Never Bathes will never have to talk to me. If his wife can get him to change, her marriage will be better and he can go about his daily business without people he knows knowing exactly how unfair he was deliberately being to his wife.

There is something to be said for having a place where people can vent anonymously so they don’t explode at home. Is it better to vent at the spouse? Is THAT better for a marriage? Ask the guy whose wife went to the Philippines if it would have been better if he had waited and reamed her on the phone instead of coming here with his doubts. Many of us set his mind at ease. And his wife is none the wiser the dark things going through his mind.

The older you get the more you’ll see that life isn’t totally black and white. Many of us live in gray land. Even if we don’t like it. I learn a lot from the people here.

But perhaps they should break the forum into two fora: Happy Families and Bad Families. That way people who don’t want to read about problems can stay in one area and talk about how great things are, and those who are at their wits ends can post in a place where they can be listened to. The reader can decide where they want to go.

I’m happy for you that your father was the kind of man who deserved to be lifted up by your mother. But do know that you can also learn from women whose wisdom and experience comes from great pain and sadness. Right now you don’t know which way your own life will go. Be open to all those who have something to share.

I’m sorry you have been through what you have been through. It must have been terrible to endure. I am glad that you are carrying your cross and you are building a new life.

I see it differently and I have lived in a very black time when I was a child. You may have read my story in other threads. I have lived abuse, pain and suffering at the hands of my father. After much counselling, I know that most men are nothing like my father and I have found a good husband. We fight…woooo do we fight , but I would never talk about it in CAF.

Anyway, I’m assuming that most of us marry an ok guy, but somewhere down the line, our ok guy begins to get annoying. I truly believe that complaining that he won’t take a bath etc, on CAF is not the right thing to do. If one is truly being abused (like Pinky seemed to be) then yes, CAF can help you reach out and see that you’re not alone. This is a very slippery slope though. How do we know that Pinky was really being abused? How do we know that she wasn’t lying?

I just get urked when I see so many angry scorned women validating other women that their husband is an idiot, etc, and leave him. It’s not right. Just because one’s experience was terrible, doesn’t mean that one should transfer their anger onto some innocent guy that they don’t know.

CAF is dangerous in that regard. My parish priest always meets with the wife and husband separately to get both sides of the story. He then discerns the situation. There’s no way of doing this on CAF and it’s truly one sided.

 

[Mamselle_Duroc]

You sound like a very nice young lady. And you are right, one should not denigrate one’s spouse.

I used to believe that also. So I never told my family anything bad about my husband. Or the neighbors. I never complained about him at all. I was raised to only build him up. So when he finally walked out on me, everyone was surprised. They didn’t know things were that bad. And when he wanted to come back they counselled me to forgive and give another chance. Because they didn’t know the whole story. Lies can kill.
…

I’m sorry you find the very real and too common problems discussed openly here upsetting. As you get older though, these problems won’t be discussed on message boards. They will come from friends sobbing in your kitchen or calling you on the phone in the middle of the night because they might not have anyone else to turn to.
…

The older you get the more you’ll see that life isn’t totally black and white. Many of us live in gray land. Even if we don’t like it. I learn a lot from the people here.

But perhaps they should break the forum into two fora: Happy Families and Bad Families. That way people who don’t want to read about problems can stay in one area and talk about how great things are, and those who are at their wits ends can post in a place where they can be listened to. The reader can decide where they want to go.

Thank you for your post. I expected that I would be told to ‘wait and see,’ and I do fully admit that I don’t have the experience. But I would like to make it clear that I am not totally naive. I was blessed with good parents, yes, and I’m grateful for them. I spent most of my life in a small town. But through circumstances entirely unavoidable I was exposed to hard, painful things that I honestly wish I could have avoided together. At the very least I wish I hadn’t been so small a child. The last thing I want is to put families in two different classes: the ‘Happy’ and the ‘Bad.’ I sat in hospital waiting rooms as a little girl holding the hands of poor women whose children were dying and whose husbands didn’t give a darn. I know how much it meant to them to have someone who cared and would listen, even if the only one who would give the time was a nine-year-old girl who was wrestling herself with the idea of someone she loved very much dying. I haven’t lived in the black land, but I sure as heck haven’t lived in the white land and I would never, ever admonish people to get out of the grey and into the white.

I realize that I sound a little on the defensive side, but when people paint me as a girl who has been wholly sheltered I can only wish to God I was and try to fight off all the bad memories that start coming back.

Now let me make my position very clear: my post was not meant to be addressed to all in any circumstances. Perhaps I should have used more clarity, but I was hesitant to be too specific because I was afraid it would sound too pointed.

But, just so I’m very clear, my post referred only to those people who come here simply to vent about their husband’s quirks. “Why doesn’t my husband pick up his dirty socks?” “How can I get my husband to get off the couch and fix the washing machine?” And the other wives come in and say: “Yeah, men can be so lazy sometimes. I hear ya, girl. Let me tell you about my husband…” That’s unnecessary, that’s disrespectful, and that’s setting a bad example.

I was not talking about abusive situations. Yes, I totally understand that what a woman often needs in those situations - not just especially wants, but life-or-death needs - is someone who can tell her objectively that she does not have to subject herself to that sort of treatment, and that she does not* have to feel like she’s doing something wrong by getting out.

Another message-board I frequent has a zero-tolerance policy for badmouthing husbands, but they also understand that there are extreme situations. They have an ‘anonymous’ function that they employ in those cases, in which the wife can get help and support while keeping her identity fully hidden. Not only does this preserve the privacy of all involved, but it also protects the woman… one woman’s family traced her to the board, read her posts, and used it to further persecute her.

Unfortunately I realize that this board is pretty large-scale and that such a thing would be probably be impractical for the moderators. But that leaves us with no sense of balance. Leaving things absolutely free doesn’t just mean that those who genuinely need outside help can ask for it, but it also means that a wife who just wants to get on the internet equivalent of the front porch and gossip is in no way restrained.

Liberanosamalo, I was not trying to beat up on women who genuinely need help. God forbid. Sometimes the nine-year-old girl in the hospital was the only one they could find to actually listen and care.

My post was intended only as personal plea to those who really don’t have a problem, but just want to vent… that they would stop and think about it before posting. I had no intention of demeaning… please forgive me if my post caused you any pain.*

 

[whatevergirl]

*I will say one thing I’d like to see…is if someone is talking about being in a domestic violence situation–that the topic is closed, and the person is given a hotline to call. I have seen very conflicting advice given in these situations, and really, if someone’s life is in danger, they need more than marital counseling…that’s just something I’d like to see stopped, giving advice to people who are in abusive relationships. I personally think those topics should be off limits, like medical questions.

Just my two cents. *

 

[Joseph_L_Varga]

Liberanosamalo, thank you for your very thorough and articulate post.

When my father broke the door on us and chased us out of my mother’s home, unfortunately the neighbors, our local police officer, my teacher, our parish priest, were all on my father’s side. The teacher tried to mediate, but my father never showed up to meet my mom and the teacher - that’s when it started to dawn on my teacher, that my father was not sincere. The priest believed the rumors that my mother was at fault and that she was a cheater, until he heard a story according to which my mother also had an affair with him, and she was seen jumping out of the window of the parochial residence. Then he suddenly realized you shouldn’t believe every rumor. Why didn’t he try to talk to my father, I don’t know. It’s very true that the other spouse in such situation either never shows up, or keeps telling a pack of lies until he/she is gradually and finally exposed for being a liar.

Many people who haven’t experienced some of these situations have no idea how bad they can get. Sometimes it can become a matter of life and death that the abused spouse should escape.

If I see a person bleeding, I try to help him even before the paramedics arrive. And if I meet someone who is obviously in an abusive situation and needs help, I will help him even before sending him away to get professional help from the representatives of the Church, and from legal and medical specialists.

 

[noclevername]

One time I made posted within a thread that I was appalled that so many people were giving advice to some woman about how she should seperate from her husband, tell her if she had grounds for divorce, etc. I posted that I could not believe that Catholics of all people were advising her to leave her husband since marriage is a sacrament. I was quickly told that the woman was clearly unhappy and that she shouldn’t have to live like that. I backed off.

So I totally agree with the OP of this thread. I see more people on CAF advising others to leave their spouse rather than stay iwth them and work it out. I really really hate divorce (I have been through it for good reason) but it was the worse thing other than my mother dying that has ever happened to me in my life and I would never wish it on anyone else.

As a matter of fact, I have a close friend who is going through a divorce. When she first told me she was going to do it, I told her that if there is any way in the world she could work it out that she needs to do that. I really don’t care for her husband at all but he wasn’t a bad man. She filed anyway.

Also, I want to remind everyone of something. When you are at a wedding, the priest asks the congregation if they will support this marriage and help keep it strong. (I cannot remember the exact wording). Anyway, I think it is the responsibility of all of use to uphold ALL marriages.

 

[Liberanosamalo]

noclevername, I wonder how many of those people who wanted to help uphold my marriage till death do we part would have been able to find time for my funeral.

Mamselle:
“But, just so I’m very clear, my post referred only to those people who come here simply to vent about their husband’s quirks. “Why doesn’t my husband pick up his dirty socks?” “How can I get my husband to get off the couch and fix the washing machine?” And the other wives come in and say: “Yeah, men can be so lazy sometimes. I hear ya, girl. Let me tell you about my husband…” That’s unnecessary, that’s disrespectful, and that’s setting a bad example.”

I agree. I tend to stay out of those posts. If the worst thing your husband does is watch tv when you want him to dry the dishes, you’re lucky.
Again, what a wonderful post from you. I was in no way offended. I just know that unless you have walked through the fire, it is impossible to imagine. Especially when children are involved I am VERY hesitant to advise divorce because I have seen how it destroyed my children’s childhoods. I would only counsel it in severe circumstances. I am sorry for your childhood memories. I hope your future helps to fade them and replace them with joy. You have an uncommon amount of compassion for someone so young.

The problem some of the posters must realize about being abused is how tentative one is to even open that door and admit it.  Read a post and see how a thread develops of a woman coming online with a vague complaint.  It may take a woman days to finally admit publicly for the first time that she has allowed her husband to strike her and stayed.  Unless you endured that, you cannot understand how it takes coaxing to find the real issue sometimes.   I counselled a woman here earlier this year who eventually found the strength to flee. Her initial posts did not sound as serious as the situation really was.   That's why some of these posts get quite long before someone puts up the hotline number.  To close them down before then would be to prevent someone from finally breaking the silence.  Those who have not gone through that have no idea what a barrier that is and what it takes to do that.

After what I went through, no one hates divorce more than I do.  But it sometimes is the lesser of two evils.  And a bad marriage can destroy a child's life very quickly.  I've seen that happen too.  Not all marriages deserve to be supported.  Some of them aren't even marriages at all.  But no one knows it for sure until after the civil divorce and the tribunal has examined it.

Should those be supported by all the people around a couple?

And I'll say if when I talked to someone and began to feel comfortable enough to confide my situation and then they just handed me a phone number and shut down the conversation... well, I might not have felt comfortable enough to call that number yet.   It would have felt like someone else was passing the buck and minimizing what I was saying and telling me to move along.  The LAST thing I really needed at the time.



> I just get urked when I see so many angry scorned women validating other women that their husband is an idiot, etc, and leave him. It's not right. Just because one's experience was terrible, doesn't mean that one should transfer their anger onto some innocent guy that they don't know. 







With all due respect, that is almost word for word what my xh told me about taking advice from my best friend who was in an abusive marriage.  "You're just listening to bitter old b--- who either couldn't get a man or couldn't keep him."   She helped save my life.  He was the one threatening to kill me, for the record.  But maybe here he would have been referred to as "some innocent guy that they don't know."  Nothing innocent about that man.

As for the guy that doesn't bathe, too many of us are in agreement from what the OP said in that post that the problem predated the marriage and there seems to be more to the picture.  It's not about bathing.  It's about a man who refuses to fulfill one of his wife's most basic and understandable requests of him.  Just because he wants to do it his way.  For reasons that no one here would agree with.   Like the song says, "Little things mean a lot."

And there is no way you're going to get both sides of a story here.  Especially with abused women.  If one of them brought her husband here to get his side of the story heard, it could be dangerous.  Most experienced posters advise those women how to clear their computer tracks so their attempts to reach out can't be discovered.  The most dangerous time for a woman can be as she is discerning whether to leave or not.

 

[JoeKR]

I just wanted to chime in here and give you my perspective about this topic. I’m fairly new around here, but about two months ago I came here looking for help/opinions on what to do about my marriage. I agree that these type of topics are open to a wide range of opinions. I read and re-read everyones responses to my situation. But I was also talking to my pastor, and family and friends, and was posting on another non-religious forum in order to get assistance for my situation. I think the severity of some topics warrant the poster getting direction from several sources and not necessarily relying on just this forum. But many people here were extremely helpful and were able to make me dig deeper to get to the root of some issues.

But I will say that the forum has helped me tremendously. I wish my wife was able to provide her side of the situation, as I know it would help us both figure things out a little easier. But that isn’t always possisble, such as in my case.

When responding to someone’s post we can only assume the original poster is being open and honest about everything and give our (name removed by moderator)ut/opinion based on that information. Even though I think bad advice is occasionally provided in these forums, I believe that if they restrict the forums and limit certain topics, it would end up hurting even more people in the long run. I personally think its good to get advice from an unbiased party, which is often tough to do in the real world. Plus there appears to be enough people roaming these forums on a daily basis that if advice is blatantly wrong, then someone will see it and call it out.

 

[BiologyBrain]

I’m somewhat ambivalent about the whole issue of asking for marriage advice on an anonymous internet board.

On the one hand, my shy side. I like being able to ask others what they’ve been able to do in their marriage when they ran into a situation like mine. I like to know that there are other people out there struggling with the same things I’m struggling with. Sometimes I need that validation to combat my own personal feelings of failure and inadequacy. I’m more comfortable doing so in an anonymous message board than in a face-to-face meeting w/ anyone. I also sometimes get a way to phrase my problem to my husband from the conversations online. Somtimes I get the courage to confront him about an issue simply from listening to others. I get good advice and hope that I give good advice as well.

On the other hand, constantly hearing about how men are dogs, women are b!tches, etc does get old. Its also not very Christian.

It is difficult (impossible?) to know what both sides of the story are online. However, sometimes its not about both sides of the story that’s necessary. Its about letting someone vent and get their feelings out. Its about giving someone the courage to face their spouse w/ their very real problem - to them.

Its also necessary to take all advice and/or stories w/ a grain (sometimes a truck-load) of salt. Since message boards are largely anonymous (we don’t know each other IRL), its easy to exaggerate, make yourself better or worse than reality, etc. Its quite possible that sometimes sob stories are laced w/ attention getting factors that have no basis on reality. The same is true for the advice. Sometimes posters just want to be confronted and challenged.

All in all, I don’t think marital problems should be a banned subject. There is a great deal of good that can come from discussions (even the random griping ones sometimes) online. I think readers and repliers need to remember that only one side is presented, its not necessarily gospel truth, and everything can be interpretted in various ways.

Then again, I don’t really understand why some of the questions about various medical problems are banned. Its not necessarily that someone is wanting advice - rather that they are wanting confirmation and/or support for whatever is going on w/ them. Of course, that’s just my opinion & I’ll follow the rules of the boards.