Realizing that asking for marriage advice on CAF is dangerous

[Joseph_L_Varga]

May I point out something about divorce: there are certain spouses who don’t even have the elementary decency to physically abandon their spouses and get out of their lives. These are the people who may end up murdering their spouses instead, simply because that is more convenient, or they stand to inherit, etc. In my parents’ case, it was my mother who filed for divorce. But she did this after my father chased us out of our home, and there was no way of evicting him except through divorce. Even then, my father kept fighting the divorce as long as he could - because he knew that he would be evicted in the end. I believe that, for all practical purpose, it was my father who abandoned us, even though technically it was my mother who filed for divorce.

The Catechism tells that there are certain conditions in which divorce may be necessary and it is not a sin. These instances include cases in which the interest of the children, protection of inheritance, or the spouse’s protection cannot be achieved through legal separation. In addition, filing for investigation of nullity by the Marriage Tribunal in the USA is only possible after civil divorce.

Regarding invalid marriages, I would also like to make a comment. It’s not the absolute percentage that matters. If in a certain diocese 0.1% of marriages are invalid but annulments are issued in 0.2% of cases, than there are too many annulments issued. And if in another diocese 60% of marriages are invalid but annulments are issued only for 50%, than there are too few annulments issued. It is a terrible mistake to make the availability of annulments hard or even impossible in the name of “saving marriages”. Such an approach will keep a lot of innocent victims trapped in invalid marriages and abusive situations. Blessed Jacinta, the youngest visionary of Fatima, said in the final period of her life when she was in a hospital and she was receiving frequent visits from Our Blessed Mother, that many marriages are not from God and they do not please God. She did not put a percentage on it, she only said “many”.

Serious marriage preparation is a good way of avoiding invalid marriages. Even then, some marriages will turn out to be invalid. Take the spouse who understands and consents to everything, but turns his/her back on the obligations due to being psychologically incapable to assume them. Or the bride/groom who secretly plans to avoid having babies, plans to cheat, or is not really committed for a lifetime, but unscrupulously deceives the other party and utters false promises in front of the priest. Some of these problems are only recognized months or years into the marriage.

 

[Jan_Bolbot]

Okay, but an annulment is not a divorce. Yes, assigning percentages is a little tricky, but the point is this rare and for good reason. The Church is not in the habit of sanctioning invalid marriages. Someone posted a note stating that divorce is not a sin and then used quotes referring to annulment to bolster that claim. So we should be clear: 1) divorce is a sin; 2) Annulments can happen but they are rare and do not alter the Church’s teaching on divorce and marriage.

Attempting to tease out support for an argument either way on marriage from the quote by Blessed Jacinta is not going to work unless you know precisely what she was referring to. While I am not an expert on the Fatima message I also know it is not an endorsement of divorce. Nor does she state what a preferred outcome would be: perhaps bringing them into the Church sacramentally. Maybe the “many” marriages are civil or Protestant marriages. Who can say? Fatima is addressed to a world facing a crisis of secular ideology, particularly materialism, communism, etc. It is unquestionably prophetic.

But the issue I responded to very narrow: does the Church consider divorce a sin? Answer is yes.

JB

 

[Serap]

Having worked as a police officer with a background in Psychology, abusers do not change, unless thru the grace of God. The reality is that no one knows what goes on behind closed doors, except those two people who lived that life. The abuser shows a nice face to friends, neighbors, and the public. This is why people are shocked when the abuser leaves or the abused spouse is seriously injured. In fact, most abusers are mentally ill before the marriage has taken place. I have listened to certain invividuals, including some in the church, that believe one day the person decided to become mentally ill. From experience, I am going to tell you it does not work that way. As stated by Pope John II, most marriages fail because there was something wrong in the beginning.

The abused spouse will always try to satisy the abuser, it never works. People will say, “Be more patient, caring, holy, etc.” Those previous responses are responses that are devoid of reality.

This is exactly why it can be dangerous to go to CAF for this type of advice. My father too is mentally sick. He beat my mother, me and my two brothers. He called me names that should be reserved for bad porno movies. Me being female, also fell victim to molestation.

You should see my father in public…what a charmer. He was the rector at his parish until he sexually harrassed a young woman last year. My father denied it of course. He then quit because he “didn’t like the new pastor”. I know that my father hasn’t changed despite the fact that he dotes on me like a puppy whenever he sees me. He’ll never get closer than 2 feet from my daughter as long as I live!!! He wants to be a nice man, but he’s mentally ill. I pity him now that I understand it.

Anyway…back on topic…

I know that these issues cannot be solved on CAF for sure! It’s dangerous to post these matters on CAF b/c everyone gives advice based on their own life experiences. We are not professionals and should not be giving this type of advice. In my opinion, it’s tarramount to giving medical advice.

The advice we should give, is a hotline, see a priest, see a professional…THE END.

These topics should be banned on CAF just like medical advice.

 

[ac_claire]

Yeah I agree…I’ve noticed an increasing trend in these threads over the past few months. I hate to admit it but I’ve started seeking out these threads lol. I used to be a Liturgy & Sacraments only gal, now I usually browse the Family Life forum first thing when I log on. I’m enbgaged to be married myself, and I just find these threads fascinating…

Also, have yall noticed the phenomenon of a husband or wife posting a thread about this or that marriage issue…and then eventually the other spouse discovers the thread (by accident? snooping?) and then chimes in. Those threads are like little CAF soap operas…which is bad, because here we are being entertained and these are real people, real families in pain here.

So…I’m guilty. I’m not sure if a moratorium on marriage advice threads is in order, but I think this is at* least *worth a sticky on the Family Life board.