REALLY Believing Not Every Woman is Meant to Mother Children

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SBryndy729

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Some of you may remember me…I’ve posted on here before. I’m the bitter mother of one (13 months) with another on the way (due in September) who used to not be so open to life and now feeling REALLY not open to life.

I don’t know what to do. I really do not like this mothering thing, like, at all. I am a stay at home mom, and some days I honestly contemplate how I can run away. I have a history with depression and anxiety and was taking Zoloft; but went off while I was pregnant with my first. Now my midwife just put me back on it, and I will be seeing a therapist tomorrow, but I really don’t know how I am going to survive the next 20 years.

It’s getting to the point where I almost don’t even like my kid. You hear from most parents that parenting is hard work, but there is so much joy that it makes it all worth it…well I am not feeling that yet. Today my son started having a screaming fit and I literally thought I would snap; it’s horrible. My husband helps for the most part but there is still that sense of me being his mother so I still have to do most everything. I am the happiest when I am out of the house away from my son. It’s so sad.

I don’t understand why God would give this child to me if I am not going to be the best mother for him. I was trying to go to daily Mass at least once a week with him but he’s such a handful now; it’s really difficult to go alone.

I don’t know what I am looking for here. Just some hope I guess. I’ve already mentioned I am seeking professional help, but I don’t know if that will help me like my vocation more, just maybe tolerate it. I thought if you found your true vocation, you would have a sense of peace and joy? I understand any vocation will be work and sacrifice, but I am not feeling much joy these days…
 
Have we not all had the same experience with the commandment to love our neighbor? Sometimes our neighbor is a demanding jerk that we understandably want to throttle. Yet we are supposed to love them.

Hang in there, get as much help as you can, and do not beat yourself up if you need help with childcare. Do not beat yourself up because this is a vale of tears. It is not all happy-happy-joy-joy. We can choose to rejoice, but we are not guaranteed that we will always feel it. Otherwise, wouldn’t it be an oxymoron to say that the Blessed Virgin is Our Lady of Sorrows? How can someone who is full of the Holy Spirit be full of sorrows? Wouldn’t that mean she was doing something wrong or that she was in the wrong vocation?

Our Lady had a hard life, and many others have been canonized not for having a happy life, but for being faithful in a hard life. That doesn’t mean you have to make your parenting experience into a cat-o-nine-tails. You are allowed to get help with those things you find difficult. That is OK. Don’t beat yourself up. You are the mother that God chose for your children, and what you have to give is enough, even when it is less than you like.

Those who are faithful when they feel abandoned are serving God with more fidelity than those who are not asked to do anything hard. Hang in there, and remember that most popular of mother’s prayers: “Lord…HELP!!”
 
Some of you may remember me…I’ve posted on here before. I’m the bitter mother of one (13 months) with another on the way (due in September) who used to not be so open to life and now feeling REALLY not open to life.

I don’t know what to do. I really do not like this mothering thing, like, at all. I am a stay at home mom, and some days I honestly contemplate how I can run away. I have a history with depression and anxiety and was taking Zoloft; but went off while I was pregnant with my first. Now my midwife just put me back on it, and I will be seeing a therapist tomorrow, but I really don’t know how I am going to survive the next 20 years.

It’s getting to the point where I almost don’t even like my kid. You hear from most parents that parenting is hard work, but there is so much joy that it makes it all worth it…well I am not feeling that yet. Today my son started having a screaming fit and I literally thought I would snap; it’s horrible. My husband helps for the most part but there is still that sense of me being his mother so I still have to do most everything. I am the happiest when I am out of the house away from my son. It’s so sad.

I don’t understand why God would give this child to me if I am not going to be the best mother for him. I was trying to go to daily Mass at least once a week with him but he’s such a handful now; it’s really difficult to go alone.

I don’t know what I am looking for here. Just some hope I guess. I’ve already mentioned I am seeking professional help, but I don’t know if that will help me like my vocation more, just maybe tolerate it. I thought if you found your true vocation, you would have a sense of peace and joy? I understand any vocation will be work and sacrifice, but I am not feeling much joy these days…
I don’t have kids but I know one thing for sure though I would have gone nuts as a stay at home mom if I had had to stay home 24/7. It sounds like you are burned out and need a break. Is there any moms day off program at your church? Anyway you have take some time a few days a week for yourself and leave the kids with a relative or babysitter. Even a gym maybe where you can work out and leave the kids in the babysitting area for awhile?
 
Give your meds time to work. It sounds as though you are profoundly depressed. Don’t think about the next 20 years. Take it one day at a time. Try to find a little joy in anything you can. Treat your little son with the most love and care possible. Just imagine what you would do if you were Mary taking care of baby Jesus.

I had really bad PPD and anxiety after my 2nd, so I know how awful this can be. Do you have any help from relatives or friends?
 
I was a single parent of one. My daughter was only 2 when her dad and I got divorced. He only sent child support grudgingly. He was in the military and knew that I’d write to his commander at the drop of a hat. As I did a few times. So, I know the stress. But I can’t imagine having two little ones at the same time. Pray, pray, pray. And get all the help you can get. I mean, see if relatives and friends can help you until you can better cope on your own. Talk to your doctor about taking meds while pregnant. There may be some very safe ones that will help. And see a therapist. There’s no harm in that. Unless you get one who is pro-choice. 🤷
 
First, I’m on Zoloft too, and it takes a few weeks before it starts to work. You just have to be a little patient… though I know it doesn’t help you feel better in the meantime.

Second, my mom was also a stay-at-home mom, but she still used daycare sometimes. At one point, my sister was in daycare for 2 days a week so she could play with other kids her age and my mom could get a break. You shouldn’t feel like you are a failure if you need help with child care – you just need to find an arrangement that works for you and your family.

I hope you start to feel better soon…
 
I’d recommend watching the “Super Nanny” or “Nanny 911” TV shows. Just because your current situation is horrific doesn’t mean that it will be that way for the next 20 years, but it’s not going to magically change unless you start doing something different.
 
Some of you may remember me…I’ve posted on here before. I’m the bitter mother of one (13 months) with another on the way (due in September) who used to not be so open to life and now feeling REALLY not open to life.

I don’t know what to do. I really do not like this mothering thing, like, at all. I am a stay at home mom, and some days I honestly contemplate how I can run away. I have a history with depression and anxiety and was taking Zoloft; but went off while I was pregnant with my first. Now my midwife just put me back on it, and I will be seeing a therapist tomorrow, but I really don’t know how I am going to survive the next 20 years.

It’s getting to the point where I almost don’t even like my kid. You hear from most parents that parenting is hard work, but there is so much joy that it makes it all worth it…well I am not feeling that yet. Today my son started having a screaming fit and I literally thought I would snap; it’s horrible. My husband helps for the most part but there is still that sense of me being his mother so I still have to do most everything. I am the happiest when I am out of the house away from my son. It’s so sad.

I don’t understand why God would give this child to me if I am not going to be the best mother for him. I was trying to go to daily Mass at least once a week with him but he’s such a handful now; it’s really difficult to go alone.

I don’t know what I am looking for here. Just some hope I guess. I’ve already mentioned I am seeking professional help, but I don’t know if that will help me like my vocation more, just maybe tolerate it. I thought if you found your true vocation, you would have a sense of peace and joy? I understand any vocation will be work and sacrifice, but I am not feeling much joy these days…
As another poster pointed out, don’t worry about the next twenty years. Don’t even let yourself think about them. Think about the next hour, or at the very most and only for necessary planning (meals), the next six hours. That’s all. Focus on meeting your son’s needs for the next hour. At the end of it, ask yourself if he’s hungry, thirsty, tired, has a messy diaper, or unhappy because of something you could have reasonably prevented. Emphasis on “reasonably prevented”; screaming tantrums are normal at that age, and sometimes something as unimportant as having a quarter-inch less milk than he wants in his sippy cup will set him off. Ignore that kind of behavior. If at the end of the hour you can say honestly that he’s fed, clean, safe, well-behaved or corrected in poor behavior (a 13-month-old isn’t capable of higher reasoning, but can learn “don’t touch the TV” etc with consistency) and reasonably (again, by adult and not a child’s standards) happy, then congrats! You’ve done a good job of mothering him for that hour. Now focus on the next hour. Etc.

You are depressed, which means that you are ill right now. Don’t even let yourself think long-term for a month or two until the Zoloft kicks in. If it doesn’t, don’t ignore the symptoms: go to your midwife or therapist and say “This isn’t working, and I need something that does that I can take while pregnant.” You say that your husband helps with your son, which is great. If you haven’t, though, sit down with him at a good time (ie, when neither of you are hungry, angry, lonely, tired or unusually stressed or likely to be interrupted by your son or anyone else) and figure out a plan for the next few weeks until you are somewhat better. This plan may need to be modified later, and that’s perfectly fine. You may need more alone time; perhaps going out once a week for a coffee by yourself in the evening for an hour or two would make all the difference in the world. I’m not a mother yet, but I am an introvert who values her alone time, and I can tell you right now that once the kids come along my husband will watch them once every week or two while I get an hour or two to myself. (Of course, I’ll do the same if he wants to go watch the game with his friends.) If he wouldn’t do that, I would not be able to be the best mother I could be.

Call your church. Ask them if they know of someone who could help you. A lot of grandmothers live far from their grandkids, and would relish being able to help a young mom out because they’d get to spend time with a baby. 🙂 There are probably some teens who need service hours or something like that for confirmation, and who would be glad to come in as a mother’s helper or babysitter. There might even be some women about your age who would enjoy spending time with another woman or in taking care of a baby; if I heard about you through my church, I’d be over in a heartbeat to help in whatever way I could. 🙂 Perhaps daycare a couple of times a week, even if just in the morning or afternoon, might be an answer, too. Discuss this with your husband in that talk.

13-month-olds ARE handfuls, and it sounds as though you are trying your best to be the best mother you can be for him. That’s all God asks of us. If you were ignoring your depression or blaming him for it, you wouldn’t be such a good mom. You’ve recognized where the problem is and you’ve taken steps to correct it; that means that you are a good mom. Don’t beat yourself up; instead, give yourself a well-deserved pat on the back. A lot of women will ignore PPD or depression during pregnancy or take it out on the kid. You’re being a mature adult and solving the problem through reasonable channels. You might not feel warm and fuzzy about it, but actions, in this kind of thing, matter a LOT more than feelings, and you seem to realize this instinctively if not consciously as seen by your search for solutions. Good on ya! 👍
 
Some of you may remember me…I’ve posted on here before. I’m the bitter mother of one (13 months) with another on the way (due in September) who used to not be so open to life and now feeling REALLY not open to life.

I don’t know what to do. I really do not like this mothering thing, like, at all. I am a stay at home mom, and some days I honestly contemplate how I can run away. I have a history with depression and anxiety and was taking Zoloft; but went off while I was pregnant with my first. Now my midwife just put me back on it, and I will be seeing a therapist tomorrow, but I really don’t know how I am going to survive the next 20 years.

It’s getting to the point where I almost don’t even like my kid. You hear from most parents that parenting is hard work, but there is so much joy that it makes it all worth it…well I am not feeling that yet. Today my son started having a screaming fit and I literally thought I would snap; it’s horrible. My husband helps for the most part but there is still that sense of me being his mother so I still have to do most everything. I am the happiest when I am out of the house away from my son. It’s so sad.

I don’t understand why God would give this child to me if I am not going to be the best mother for him. I was trying to go to daily Mass at least once a week with him but he’s such a handful now; it’s really difficult to go alone.

I don’t know what I am looking for here. Just some hope I guess. I’ve already mentioned I am seeking professional help, but I don’t know if that will help me like my vocation more, just maybe tolerate it. I thought if you found your true vocation, you would have a sense of peace and joy? I understand any vocation will be work and sacrifice, but I am not feeling much joy these days…
Peace to you dearest S Bryandy,

You are dealing with a lot of emotions and its okay to share them with us. :hug1:

Your therapist and midwife will be able to help you in your suffering with depression. That’s a very good place to start today.

God gave you and your wonderful husband this precious little boy and your new baby, because He wants to make you a family. He didn’t first put you in a contest for Best Mom. He knew you are this little boy’s Mom!

One thing you may want to discuss with your husband and your therapist is a possibility of you no longer being a Stay at Home Mom. You may want to find a full time job, a part time job, a volunteer activity, etc. to give you time away from home.

You might check with your child’s pediatrician for a local class on parenting during screaming fits.

Maybe look for outside events for you and your son - the park, zoo, playground. Maybe a Play Group.

Look for activities you can do for yourself after you husband is home - swimming, walks, bowling. You might enjoy Zumba after your baby is born.

None of us know what all we can do in the next 20 years, so don’t worry about the next 20 years. Your child will change a lot in 20 years!

Maybe you only want to make plans for what you want to do until the new baby is born. Maybe find child care a few hours a day or a few days a week and allow yourself time for just you.

When you are at Mass with your little one, take along things to try and help him sit still. Remember its okay to step back and forth from the pew to the vestibule. If it causes you too much stress going to daily Mass, maybe this is a season in your life not to go. Maybe you can find a daily Mass at a time when your husband can watch your son and you go alone.

Make sure you are eating healthy food every day, drinking plenty of water, and relaxing and resting throughout the day.

Each child is different, each year is different. Change with the ebb and flow of your family. Don’t expect too much from yourself… none of us get the Best Mom ribbon.

For today, relax. I’m praying for you, dear sister.
 
I hope your little guy still naps…And when he does, YOU lay down for a nap too, period. Let the house and chores wait. Everything can wait except your health and mental state!
 
Just a thought on screaming fits:

Sometimes it might help you and him if you both can go outside for a short time during his fit. Its okay if he’s loud and the neighbors hear him. It may help him to stop screaming and may feel good to you just to be outside while he’s upset and loud.

Peace.
 
Is there anyone at all near you that can help until your treatment kicks in? It sounds like you are really in need of some extra help and I think you or your husband needs to ask for it until you feel more in control. Do you have any sisters or does your husband, who can come over for a few hours a day? Perhaps you could contact your parish and ask if there is some sort of ministry to help you out in the mean time. I imagine that when your medicine kicks in and you are seeing your therapist consistantly, thinks will get better.
 
Sorry: a lot of really bad advice here.

It’s normal for children at a stage of individuation (15 months to 24 months) to throw tantrums. The reaction is to remain calm. If the child is in front of you, walk away (but keep your eye on him to prevent him from self injuring. BEEN THERE, DONE IT.) If it is in public, leave immediately (I left many supermarket carts half full). WHEN the child calms, turn to him and treat him in a manner that you would if he was an infant: unconditional love, nurturing, a bottle, a nap, etc. You don’t know WHY your son is hyper sensitive. It could be normal developmentally, it could be part of a disorder that will manifest later. It doesn’t matter. YOU are all he’s got.

If you are overwhelmed and feeling like you need to run, you really ought to seek serious psychiatric intervention. A “nurse practitioner” should NOT be prescribing ANY medication in pregnancy. You may have a chemical imbalance and hormones during pregnancy can wreak havoc even on the most emotionally stable person. Why, I can remember crying during COMMERCIALS when I was pregnant, how stupid is that, but it was legitimate for me at the time!

Get a helper: nanny (if you can afford it), grandparent, even sufficiently vetted and mature high school girl, to help you now. Your inability to bond with your son may be part of the problem that causes you such depression. That’s why you need serious, written, psychiatric evaluation. There are medications that are BLACK BOX indicated as toxic to the developing baby: you cannot take them. A good psycho-pharmacologist (psychiatrist who understands psychotropic meds) will know what is safe and what is not. You also need a support system: a good therapist, a friend to call, a relative who will pitch in when you need it, a church support group. Approach your parish pastor and ask him for some ideas. You’d be surprised how many women there are whose children are grown who would be ready, willing, and able to step in when you need it, even on a regular basis.

This is a very serious problem requiring serious solutions. None of this is your “fault” nor are you a “bad” person. Whatever is at work here - biological, psychological, emotional - has remedies but harm done to your child(ren) as a result of it is not acceptable and I know you agree with me or you would not be posting here, or anywhere, for help.

Old saying: “God helps those who help themselves”…I think what this really means is: when we seek, when we pray in earnest, when we really try to remain open to Him, God provides answers. Sometimes, those answers are from other people: medical professionals, friends, etc. Don’t be afraid to reach out. Twenty years from now, both your children and yourself will have greatly benefited from it.
 
If you are overwhelmed and feeling like you need to run, you really ought to seek serious psychiatric intervention. A “nurse practitioner” should NOT be prescribing ANY medication in pregnancy. You may have a chemical imbalance and hormones during pregnancy can wreak havoc even on the most emotionally stable person. Why, I can remember crying during COMMERCIALS when I was pregnant, how stupid is that, but it was legitimate for me at the time!
The option to prescribe antidepressants during pregnancy must take into account the risks and benefits, as I imagine this midwife/nurse practitioner did; Zoloft is considered among the safer antidepressants to take. This clearly serious situation described by the OP certainly sounds like one in which medication may well be a lifesaver, and her practitioner would be well familiar with her situation and needs.
 
If you are overwhelmed and feeling like you need to run, you really ought to seek serious psychiatric intervention. A “nurse practitioner” should NOT be prescribing ANY medication in pregnancy.
You may not know this, but a nurse practitioner MUST work under the supervision of an MD. She cannot prescribe most medications without an OK from the doctor, and in fact, most scrips have to be written BY the doctor. NPs are not able to function on their own as medical practitioners. The OP said her “midwife,” and in her state, that may also fall under the supervision of an MD. It would be very ill-advised for a midwife or nurse to give a pregnant patient any medication without some serious checking to be sure that it was safe for her growing baby.

This woman sounds seriously depressed - she has medical professionals who are seeing her, and she is starting therapy tomorrow, or did you miss that part? Please don’t climb down her throat and assume that her midwife is not treating her correctly.
 
My MIL is a NP and can prescribe medication independent of a MD because she has her own DEA prescription number. It depends on the state, but in Arizona NP’s can work independently. Not all states are like that. Maybe OP lives in one of the states where the midwife is a NP and can prescribe medication.
 
I don’t know what I am looking for here. Just some hope I guess. I’ve already mentioned I am seeking professional help, but I don’t know if that will help me like my vocation more, just maybe tolerate it. I thought if you found your true vocation, you would have a sense of peace and joy? I understand any vocation will be work and sacrifice, but I am not feeling much joy these days…
Without knowing more about the situation, this is the only advice I can give.

It is a big mistake to rely on people like midwives, general practitioners or specialists of other kinds to give the best advice concerning psychotropics. Some only exacerbate the person’s problems. Some interact with other things, even one’s diet. It takes an extraordinarly good psychiatrist and a fair amount of time, trial and error, to get it right.

If, indeed, you have a brain chemistry issue, and I suspect strongly that you do, you absolutely, positively, need to bypass those on the peripheries of psychiatry and hunt for a very, very good psychiatrist. They do exist and can be of enormous help to most.

A very good friend of mine who is a psychiatrist of excellent professional repute put the process in a very interesting way. He said that people who have certain psych problems, most especially brain chemistry problems, don’t have enough “money” to spend on the demands of their lives. By “money” he meant psychological energy. Certain things in life require more “money” than other things, but when we have enough “money” to spend, we come through them. If we don’t have enough “money” we find less “expensive” ways of dealing with life, meaning we develop patterns of thought and action that do not require so much “money”. Unfortunately, “low cost” patterns are just as inadequate as a “low cost” suit of clothing. They don’t work well, and they don’t last.

But, he said, dealing with psychotropics is tricky because it can give a person more “money” than he has learned to spend wisely. The real challenge is raising the “money” level while simultaneously undoing the “low cost solutions” that people develop in the absence of adequate psychological energy. That’s exactly why sometimes people who are suddenly given lots of “money” through psychotropics sometimes get much worse. They now have the psychological energy to carry out more, but in a misdirected way that can be worse than when they didn’t have enough “money”.

It was his professional belief that two things have to happen at once. First, the person’s “money” level has to be increased. But simultaneously, the person requires truly skilled counseling in order to undo the “low cost” strategies he/she developed for himself/herself, and shift to more “expensive” life strategies he/she can gradually “afford.”

I’ll add, then, that I don’t really think you can make an adequate assessment of your life as a mother, or in any other way, until you have more psychological “money”. When you do, I think you will be able to see more clearly than you do now.

Hope this helps.
 
I want to throw out more ideas that might bring enjoyment in your day.

Of course getting your depression under control through the help of the medical community/ therapy is important.

There’s are just ideas of places and activities that might brighten your day. When we spend time with other people, when we are out in nature, and when we exercise, we can bring a lot of joy into our lives.

The small community center in our town offers a month’s use of the gym/ pool/ classes for less than $25 a month for one person. It includes free child care for a few hours each evening Mon - Thurs. Recumbent stationary bike or relaxing in the pool might be nice if your midwife okayed it.

Look for Catholic or other homeschooling groups for moms with young kids. They may have play dates that you and your son could join in on. They might have a Moms Night Out once a month. Some groups would be happy for you to join them even if you have no plans to homeschool.

Check out Le Leche League, although it is set up as support meetings for nursing moms and their children, when we moved I joined the group even though I was not nursing. I went to find new friends for my kids and myself.

Check out the public library. Story time for toddlers might be an enjoyable event and a time to sit with other moms.

Escape Vacations in your own home. When your little boy is well occupied, pull up travel destinations on the computer. Enjoy the scenery or take a virtual tour of a place you would enjoy visiting.

Peace.
 
I think when I started making connections with other Catholic moms, I started being happy as a SAHM, but I have still had dark periods of depression–esp. influenced by seasonal depression and postpartum. My worse period was following a miscarriage that occurred in February.

Persevere. I’ll be praying for you!

So much good advice on this thread. You are not alone.

God bless you, sweet mom!
 
. My husband helps for the most part but there is still that sense of me being his mother so I still have to do most everything. I am the happiest when I am out of the house away from my son. It’s so sad.

I don’t understand why God would give this child to me if I am not going to be the best mother for him. I thought if you found your true vocation, you would have a sense of peace and joy? I understand any vocation will be work and sacrifice, but I am not feeling much joy these days…
Dearest SBryndy,

Just as I was thinking to invite you and your sweet husband to a World Wide Marriage Encounter, I ran across another post and sent a message on WWME to that person.

I am copying part of it below in “red” for you and your sweet husband, as I was also thinking about you as I wrote it. We’re lighting a prayer candle in our home this evening for you two.

You and your husband have been lead by God to the vocation of Married Life through the Sacrament of Holy Matrimony.

What you feel in your emotions is valid. I’m sorry you are not feeling peace and joy today when you want to experience that feeling. When you attend a WWME weekend, you will hear the presenting couples share some struggles and pains that they too have experience. They will share with you the tools they learned as a couple to carry them together through wonderful feelings and hard feelings.

It is so important that you and your husband both be able to understand each others feelings. It sound like you have a loving husband. World Wide Marriage Encounter may be one more tool that you two can use to help in your vocation as a Married Couple and Parents living your Sacrament.

I am so happy to know that your appointment with your therapist is soon and that your midwife is working with you with Rx.

This invitation below is for you and your dear husband. Maybe you can attend before your baby is born.

My husband and I invite you and your dear husband to a World Wide Marriage Encounter Weekend. wwme.org/

The entire purpose is to help couples grow closer daily through communication.

The weekends are for all marriages. One of WWME’s saying is Making Good Marriages Great.

WWME weekends are a wonderful time for you and your husband. The talks are given by three presenting couples and one priest. All the couples attending listen to the talks but do not share anything during these talks. You and your husband will go to the privacy of your own room to talk privately with each other.

We found our weekend to be very romantic.

There is usually a small application fee as the only cost. On the weekend, couples have the chance to offer a donation of their choice to help with their cost of the weekend. It is set up this way so that no one feels they can not attend due to lack of funds. All donations go to future weekends for other couples. Your weekend was already paid for by donations from previous couples.

We had looked forward to attending a WWME for many, many years when we finally got to attend. We had no idea the beauty that would spill over from the weekend to every day. We thought it would simply be a wonderful romantic weekend, we did not realize it is for a lifetime.

We promote WWME to all couples and priests. It is open for priest to attend in regards to their relationship as a priest to their parishioners and to other priest.

Some people overlook the importance of feelings or even think they don’t really have feelings. We all have feelings about everything we encounter. When we can understand our spouses feelings, we become even closer to them, we encounter more of a unity, a oneness. Understanding each others feelings can be as simple as how you both feel about sitting outside on a cool night together to how you both feel when looking at your check book.

Check on-line for the WWME weekend nearest to you. Some people travel many hours and even several states away for their weekend. I’ve never seen anyone who wasn’t happy about their weekend and the joy they found with their spouse.

Pray about attending. God provides. God provides the right weekend, the right persons to watch your son, the right couples and priest to give the talks.
 
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