Really Need Advice! Don't know where to turn 😢

[Jerome1974]

From what I understand, Al-anon is the group for family members. The member with the drinking problem does not have to be involved with AA, and from what you said, it doesn’t seem like he will easily go there. AVOID ALC-ANON, THOUGH! That group is a cover for the “church” of scientology. They add in an extra letter to snare unsuspecting sheep. That’s the only advice I can offer, other than to second what some people said about domestic abuse support. I’m sorry I can’t offer any more advice, but rest assured that I’m praying for your family. I also pray that your one son sees that that God is not causing your problems. Perhaps they should go to meetings with you. If anything, it would make a more effective support for your husband to make the changes he needs to make.

 

[CB_Catholic]

Thank you everyone for your replies. This is extremely difficult for me to accept. I am sitting here rationalizing his behaviour in my mind, and I know it is wrong. I feel that I may gave nagged him too much or pushed him over the edge. Pushing is the beginning of domestic abuse? This is hard. I am a sahm, no job. I will look into al anon, but I am afraid. Please pray for my family.

Going to Al-Anon and working the program is the best thing you can do for yourself. it will not sober up your husband, though. The program is for YOU. There is also Al-Ateen for children.
Please do not take the suggestion to go lightly–it can be a life and sanity saver. And the program is completely anonymous.

 

[Used2beSherryG]

Alanon and individual counseling seems the way to go, just you. If one day he starts his own treatment for the alcoholism, then marriage counseling would become an option.

Talking to an alcoholic about their drinking problem is like consistently beating your head against a brick wall and expecting it to collapse before you. Make a plan for a safe space for you and your children now. Seek counseling from a qualified family counselor which could very well be your priest. My parish priest has a doctorate in family counseling as well as theology. Join AlAnon and stick with it consistently. Remind yourself that you are seeking this help for YOU, not for your husband. I don’t know the ages of your children, but the older ones could benefit from Al-Ateen. Most children take on guilt when the Alcoholic rages or strikes out, blaming themselves just as you admit you have done. I am speaking from personal experience about this matter. Your faith will help see you through this. Trust in God, but you will have to take action to protect yourself and your children from abusive treatment. I will pray for you and for your alcoholic and especially for your children. You may be afraid, but don’t let that stop you from doing what is best for your family.

 

[Used2beSherryG]

My son believes that we were happier before my conversion. Like I said, I am very involved in my parish and I do volunteer a lot. My son, who once said he wanted to be a priest now believes that there is no God. It breaks my heart. When he said that to me, it brought me to my knees. I have had many conversations with him about the faith, but he is very intelligent and I don’t give him the right answers. i am seriously wondering if I should back off from the parish, although I honestly don’t want to. I feel like such a failure.

Ask the Lord what He wants from you and do that. The devil is cunning, and a liar. Live your faith, be true to God’s plan. Demonstrate your faith to your family by your actions. Let God take care of the rest.

 

[Gertabelle]

My advice is to call a domestic abuse hotline now. Talk directly to someone who can better judge and advise on your situation. You should not be pushed. You should not be afraid. Your kids should not be seeing this.

This. Doesn’t matter how nice he is when sober. What matters is damage is being done when he is drunk. **Think of the example he is setting **your boys and think of the example that you want to set them in case they become the same in the future.

Yes indeed.

In my 20 years as a public school teacher, I have seen too many times the damage done to children and parents by abusive relationships. Everything from children becoming targets of abuse in their home (and a call to Social Services by school personnel), to children slipping into depression, to children acting out through drugs or sex or running away, to children acting out violently against their siblings and/or peers, to actual murder or attempted murder in the home.

Are you willing to risk the future happiness and mental health of your children? Do you really think watching you and your husband live out this cycle over and over again is setting them up for a beautiful life of a solid career and a happy marriage?

“But he was so loving when he wasn’t drinking.”
“But he always said he was sorry.”
“But it was just a little shove.”
“But he never hit me before, and he promised he wouldn’t do it again.”
“But he said he didn’t know why he beat me, and he was so so so sorry.”

Without intervention, these situations escalate in intensity and violence. They do not disappear on their own, sorry.

Talk to someone at a domestic violence organization. They can give you the perspective you need AND get you in touch with the support you need and are asking for!

 

[pianistclare]

This. Doesn’t matter how nice he is when sober. What matters is damage is being done when he is drunk. Think of the example he is setting your boys and think of the example that you want to set them in case they become the same in the future.

YES. I HAVE BEEN THERE.
You cannot face this alone, nor should you.
The next time something happens like what you describe call the police and go to a safe house.
There are shelters, and I’m SURE there are people in your parish that he doesn’t know who would take you in. TELL YOUR PRIEST IMMEDIATELY. They will help you.
Do not delay. You are in danger and your sons are watching,

 

[USMC_Convert]

While I never put my hands on my wife or kids, I have had many issues, right now I am dealing with severe PTSD. So I understand the anger issues from the other side. It came to the point about 5 years ago where my wife basically said your going to a therapist or you going!

I’m still struggling but I can honestly say I’m glad my wife made me do it. I don’t know if this is the right course of action for you, I’m afraid if he has already put his hands on you that if you take a stand it might get worse, but I know one thing, you cannot stay in the relationship the way it is. Maybe ask someone to be there with you when you confront him. I don’t know, I’m sorry I can’t be of more help, you and your family will be in my prayers!!!

 

[SuperHappy]

My son believes that we were happier before my conversion. Like I said, I am very involved in my parish and I do volunteer a lot. My son, who once said he wanted to be a priest now believes that there is no God. It breaks my heart. When he said that to me, it brought me to my knees. I have had many conversations with him about the faith, but he is very intelligent and I don’t give him the right answers. i am seriously wondering if I should back off from the parish, although I honestly don’t want to. I feel like such a failure.

I don’t think that leaving the church will solve anything and in fact, it will make things harder on you. You need the support and fellowship to sustain you & your faith during hard times such as these.

Your child is obviously being very badly affected by his father’s behavior and doesn’t know how to process it. Perhaps you and he can visit the Priest for some words of wisdom or counsel.

You are not a failure. You are a good person who is in a very difficult situation. God loves you and He will not forsake you.

I feel you will have to leave this situation to resolve it. Even for a temporary time, you need to separate yourself and your children from this so you can see clearly. It’s not your fault, you are not responsible for your husband’s actions. You are only responsible for your own.

Prayers going up.

 

[Jerome1974]

I forgot to mention Venerable Matt Talbot in my last reply. Praying for his intercession may help. I plan to swing by church today for a separate reason, but I’ll put you into the intention box while I’m there. May God Bless you, your husband, and your children. Amen.

 

[StudentMI]

Thank you everyone. So far this morning he is not talking to me. I am not sure if he fully remembers what happened yesterday.

Alcohol is a depressant so he may feel even more guilty than he should… The problem is that with alcoholics, that guilt will be another reason to pick up the bottle. It’s a vicious cycle.

If this is the first time he’s gotten that mad drinking, it won’t be the last. Some people start as happy drunks, become morose drunks, and then end up violent mean drunks. If he puts his hands on you or starts an argument like that ever again, call the cops. They can make him attend counseling. Also, when you say he left after pushing you, did he drive? He could have killed someone driving drunk. Call the cops if he does that too.

Praying for your family.

 

[Lynne72]

Hi everyone,

My husband denied pushing me. He said he was trying to get me out of the way.

I have found a spiritual director. I am seeing him tomorrow. I am looking into Al-Anon as well.

Thank you everyone for your support. I’m sending virtual hugs to all of you. God Bless You and thank you for your prayers.

 

[pianistclare]

Hi everyone,

My husband denied pushing me. He said he was trying to get me out of the way.

I have found a spiritual director. I am seeing him tomorrow. I am looking into Al-Anon as well.

Thank you everyone for your support. I’m sending virtual hugs to all of you. God Bless You and thank you for your prayers.

Wonderful news. If he lays a hand on you…call the cops. Nothing sobers up a person than a police car in the driveway. Don’t stay if he gets violent or threatens. There are thing in place to protect you.