Really "over" my husband

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joeysmith

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This is probably a topic that has come up before. We’ve been married for six years, three children born, fourth one due before the end of this month.

For at least two years now I’ve really had to put effort into being a “loving” wife. Which I’ve managed by listening to lots of podcasts about marriage, especially our beautiful Catholic vision of the role of marriage in society, our own sanctification, that of our spouse etc.

The problem is that over the last few years my husband has been working a lot and now we don’t really share anything. Any spare time or energy he devotes to our kids because they’re so little (3, 4 and 5) and he’s not around much. I just feel like I was a baby machine and now there’s four of them my work with him is done. He’s no longer affectionate, complimentary or invested with me. I mourned this at first but now just feel that him even coming home is a hassle as our routine just gets disrupted (homeschooling) so he can play and give them chocolate.

The biggest one though is our faith life. He’s a lapsed Catholic who said that he’d come to Holy Mass with me and support me in bringing up Christian children. That was before marriage. Now it’s pretty obvious he lied back then or at least didn’t really mean it as a commitment. Today when I said prayers with kids before bed he said “you always do that when I’m not there”. To which I replied “I’ve invited you so many times but you said you didn’t want to”. Then he objects: " I don’t believe in angels and Saints". And I said “Well I do.”

He’s said “I didn’t know you were THAT Catholic”. I said " I’m just Catholic". The problem being that he grew up in a lukewarm, at best, household where the Legion of Mary grandparents were guffawed at behind their backs, and Mass attendance stopped as soon as they died. None of his siblings practice either.

I’ve become very disinterested in pleasing him. Over the years I’d try to accommodate his “ways” but he kept bringing up topics (you know the standard secular objections to Catholicism, all of them based in misinformation). When I’d be able to give him an answer that somehow made him feel inferior or wrong, even when the answer was given lovingly and charitably. It seems the “rightness” of Catholicism put him off more and more.

Any way. Since he started working so much all the things that made us a loving couple: dates, our shared interests, conversations, loving touches. All gone. And lately because I have no interest in putting in the effort for someone I now consider a liar and a stranger. He even says he does so much work to make sure we’re OK and even that he loves me. I feel “whatever”. There’s just no real life evidence for that.

The problem is I really do believe in marriage, but that belief is starting to feel like a trap. I don’t have any wish for a divorce (huge feeling of wanting to be " free" though). I’m really confused. And tired.

I’ve prayed the Rosary every day since May 13 last year for his conversion.

Any suggestions?
 
Well, from his point of view, he has a wife that is hassling him about religious beliefs that he doesn’t share, has withdrawn her affection, and doesn’t seem to appreciate the fact that he works hard to support her and their children…

Maybe you might tone down on the evangelism and try relating to him as a wife who loves and appreciates her husband and wants him to feel good about his marriage.

– on edit

Just re-read and noticed that you are eight months pregnant, that’s gonna be a strain on you physically and emotionally.

Maybe you could just not worry about it for a while…
 
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You sound exhausted. Many congratulations on your fourth child, but it is unsurprising that you feel burnt-out. Your husband’s theological differences and his overtime work are all magnified by your exhaustion, physical and emotional. (And the end of pregnancy tends to suck quite a lot.) You’re responsible for three demanding little people, and not getting enough quality time with your husband; it is entirely understandable that you feel trapped.

First thing: Recognize that there is a disconnect between how you feel and what the larger picture is. Right now, it looks like this whole thing is a mess, your relationship with your husband is doomed, your husband lied about his faith, and the best thing to do would be to get free. This is the trap, here–not your marriage. Hang in there, and keep hanging in there; your kids won’t be small forever. I don’t know what your husband’s faith journey has been, but it seems much more likely that he’s just failing to honor a commitment he’s grown tired of than that he lied to you before marriage. This failure isn’t good, of course, but it’s great you’re praying for his conversion.

Second thing: Pray to God to help you recover your fondness for your husband. I congratulate you for putting in the effort for a long time even when you didn’t feel loving toward your husband; keep at it. Feelings are changeable.

Third thing: Identify what you need in order to make life more sustainable. Ask your husband for his schedule and ask for some “date nights.” Hire help as needed for babysitting and mother’s help; your church may have some resources (if nothing else, some teens willing to babysit for a bit of extra cash). Could you take a break from homeschooling for a year?

Fourth thing: Make an effort to touch him, show affection to him, and ask him to reciprocate. It might feel mechanical at first, but try to be encouraging–to him and to yourself.

Fifth thing: Keep praying.

Sixth thing: Remember that, no matter how inconvenient your husband’s presence may be when you’re trying to accomplish homeschooling or whatever, his being with and playing with the children is very valuable.

I hope some of this is helpful to you. Hang in there.
 
I empathize with you even though I may not share the exact troubles you do. One thing to keep in mind is that the enemy is not your spouse (unless he is abusive); its the devil. The roadblock for your husband is his heart. The only one who can change his heart is God. God works through people and prayer. Its great you are praying the rosary. Have you tried a St. Jude novena? Also, maybe you can challenge your husband to pray with you. Men tend to like challenges. If he doesn’t go to mass then plead with him to go. I’m so sorry you have to go through this in your marriage.

I find that in many cases our lives can seem easy until we get married. I think marriage really brings out the worst in all of us, but the point of that is to be able to see the places we need to improve. If your husband isn’t trying to improve himself for your sake then I think marriage counseling would be a viable option. Men hate going to counseling so it might be hard to get him there, but whatever the case, he needs to put in more effort.

If you don’t know about St Monica, she was married to a Roman pagan at a young age. Her husband refused to allow their children to get baptized but she prayed for him for years. But, before her husband died he converted to the Faith. Know that God hears your prayers, and will answer them in his perfect timing. I know it is hard, but the fact that you are in your husband’s life is a sign that God is leading him to a deeper faith. Keep praying, and have faith. God loves you.

My husband and I had some challenges at the beginning of our marriage that many people would have called it quits on. But after praying with him regularly, his faith grew so much that he began fasting and was able to have a realization of all he was doing wrong before. God really does work through us. Keep nourishing your own faith so that you have the energy to do Gods will in your life. You’re in my prayers. I hope I was able to help a little. I don’t consider myself an expert on this sort of thing. But, I feel your pain.

Also, talk to a holy priest about this. They know more than many posters here, including me.
 
Sounds as if you are exhausted, likely feeling as if you are 38 months pregnant, homeschooling with 3 kids under 6 is honestly superhuman work.

This is about communication, about understanding that you do not lie on the sofa eating bonbons all day long.

Try to hire a mother’s helper to come in for a couple of afternoons each week. A housekeeping service to come in once a week for deep cleaning. Mother’s Day Out program so you can have some ME time.

When you get your legs back under you, schedule date night once each month. Let nothing short of martial law or an earthquake keep you from that date.
 
Yes we are Sacramentally married.

Finny the different perceptions between male and female, both of which I appreciate, thanks very much 🙂

Just for the record, I didn’t ever try to convert him old school style. I have always remembered “They’ll know we are Christians by our love”… starting out very affectionate ( as was he) naturally, then when work took over (three mouths to feed?) his just ebbed, I felt rejected then I tried to make sure a I was affectionate.

As to our faith life. Well I don’t believe in " trying" to convert but when asked to speak the truth. So when his sister came out he immediately brought up a few things and asked me to “change”. I said I’d never be mean or withdraw kindness but I can’t rejoice in her cohabitation etc. Or say something like “not Ordaining women is mysogyny” and not point out the Body of Christ etc. Just wore me down because he used to come to Mass and discussion groups etc.

I will keep hanging in there because I do believe in marriage and my discernment prior was sound. And I do love him under all the dry sand in my desert interior life. Just really tired trying and trying, the kids can happily take every bit of energy you have. Should I take him up on his word do you think? That is a big cause if resentment for me.
 
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I must say. That was my first post and you’re all so supportive and forthcoming. What a great community. I felt some restoration knowing there are people with similar stories. And I’ll keep going 🙂

Will keep you all posted.
 
What do you mean, by taking him up on his word ? In regards to what ?
 
Actually going to Mass. A little while ago he said he’d go once a month. Then he said he’d only be going for me and he gets “nothing out of it”.

I’m always trying to walk the line of living and speaking the truth and not forcing it.
 
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joeysmith said:
Actually going to Mass. A little while ago he said he’d go once a month. Then he said he’d only be going for me and he gets “nothing out of it”.
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Do you take the children with you? If so, could you ask him to go in order to help you with them? Maybe just once in a while, to start with?
 
My suggestion would be to first stop thinking of him (and calling him) as a liar. People change. It doesn’t mean they originally lied. It is a terrible label to tag someone with, unless it is accurate. Your post didn’t provide any information to indicate he is actually a liar.

Next… Why is he working so much? Is it a necessity? Or is it his way of putting distance between the two of you… If the latter, it sounds like he may have legitimate cause. Your marriage, for lack of a better word, sounds pretty miserable right now. I would suggest asking him to try to cut back on his work hours so he has time to work on his relationship with you.

And finally, you sound very resentful about his lack of faith in the Catholic religion. I would suggest working hard to not try to force him to be someone he isn’t. Try to focus on the good things about him. You have 4 children together, and they deserve that.

Hope this helps a little. Best of luck.
 
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You are going through a really difficult time. I’m so sorry. Just be aware that many of us have gone through hard times in a marriage and come out better in the end. It seems as if your children will be little forever, but really this stage will be over eventually; you will look back on it with (hopefully) some fond memories. You are doing wonderful things for your children.
It’s so important to have a father in the home. So I congratulate you for hanging in there. Please take some of the suggestions above and try to rekindle some of the love you felt. He must have some good qualities! My first husband would spend an afternoon with me and his sons and then complain that he’d “wasted” his time.
Praying for you.
 
Thank you for your prayers.

It’s good to hear from couples with a good amount of years under their belts.

Yes, my husband is a really devoted Dad. I think the human frailties and realities of life have perhaps given us a cross to bear. His is apparently an “overwhelming drive to make sure you’re all OK”. He’s into building and developing. Projects like that might start out as a means to an end but they tend to become consuming. Which leads to a wife who initially wanted to support her husband to a few years later feel like she’s less important than a delivery of wood.

We had a happy marriage with a strong sense of companionship. Then come along a few trials: same sex attracted sister, needing a bigger house for us to all fit (we lived in the cheapest house in town so we could afford to have me at home to homeschool), and suddenly you’ve got an exhausted Dad who feels bad he never sees his children and a wife who feels like the bottom rung of a very long ladder. Maybe I reminisce too much, which is why I feel hurt. And him telling me he’d be on board with Mass and upbringing was crucial to my choice for him becoming my husband, so the absence of our companionship makes that one hurt a lot. To his credit he has never pressured me on living an unchaste marriage, which I do realise a lot of lapsed Catholics can make difficult. But the little comments like “Jesus isn’t here any more” when I’m not in the car and after a great amount of effort to make them (children) understand the “Circle Jesus” is the same as the person who was on the Cross just wipe me out a bit.

We come from different backgrounds in that sense. His Dad was mostly absent, being a distance worker, his mother actually collapsed from fatigue once. My Dad and Mum both worked and I spent a lot of time with Grandparents so there was just no pressure.

I do love him in the sense that I want the best for him. The “Eros” might have run dry for a while now, but I’m not tempted to another or to ditch the whole thing. Wishing it was different? Big time. I also realise there’s no one else for me and he is the gift God gave me for this life.

Please pray for us. We’re both in it for the long run.

🙂
 
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If you can find time, two resources.

First, Formed.org Many parishes now offer this as a free gift to their parishioners, or you can get a free trial and then subscribe for around $10 per month (like NetFlix). They have a good video series called “Beloved”. First part is for people preparing for marriage, the second is about living marriage. There are workbooks that you can download, you can watch it together or you can each watch on your phone then discuss together. It is like a retreat that can be done anywhere, anytime.

Second, Matthew Kelly’s book “The 7 Levels of Intimacy”. It saved my marriage. We had grown apart because I was the career driven gone all the time spouse, he was a SAHD and we had gone as far as separation. This book helped us so much.
 
It seems that you go throught a common problem for married couples: growing apart.
  • The husband makes extensives hours of work, because he has no choice, and to provide for his family. It would be probably difficult for you to continue to be an homeschooling mom, if not?
    But the wife prefer have a loving relationship with her husband.
    For him, on his man’s perfective of a provider, it’s a way of showing love. He said he loves you, no?
    You would have dig together in this subject. Tell him that you appreciate his effort, but that you would prefer he works not so much, and be more present for your couple. And see if it it financially possible.
  • For the religious disagreement, unfortunately, it’s too common. Lovers and engaged people which are recently in love are volunteers to makes lovely concessions to the other’s faith. But when they are married and absorbed with real life, they forget that…Perhaps take a time to read again your marriage engagement.
A great book enlights the growing differences of feelings between husbband and wife: Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus, by John Gray. It is worth reading.

I suggest you to go to a couple’s retreat, and marriage counseling.

I experience the two topics myself…
 
I’m sorry to hear about the aridity (dryness) you are experiencing in this time of your life. Just a few suggestions to offer that helped me during my out spiritual dryness and challenges.
  1. A book that helped me during my trial was “Three to get Married” by Bishop Fulton Sheen. The chapter titled “Dark night of the Body” is amazing as it deals with the struggles within marriage. One the points that resonated with me; is that our crosses/challenges aren’t roadblocks in life, but instead are ladders that we can choose to use to climb to God and grow in virtue.
  2. I listened to several talks on spiritual warfare, marriage, and virtues by Fr Chad Ripperger (an exorcist) that were amazing and really lifted the scales off my eyes. My wife and I attended a conference by him on Diabolical Principles, which was like checkboxes being marked for both of us in how the demons work to destroy marriages and faith. After that experience, I have no doubt in my mind that demons exist.
 
A book that has helped me a lot is “First kill all the marriage counselor”. It helped me a lot – it truly is a unique perspective. She interviewed women with long successful marriages and wrote it up in a book. She has a Christian (lite) attitude through the book, it’s not her main focus. Might be worth a try. I advise not letting your hubby see it! 😉
 
You have three small kids and are about to pop with another one. Chill.

Life is hard right now and will continue to get harder just because of the kids.

As techieguy said above, from his perspective he is working hard to keep a roof over everones head and is being berated by a wife whom he knows he cannot argue, at all, with(due to pregnancy).

Just mellow out and get that baby out with as little stress as possible. Figure out another hobbie/past time (answering questions on CAF, anyone?).

For the last decade my wife only went to church a few sparing times. We have gone back and forth about this many times. I would be pretty hard about it and just drop things for a few months. And suddenly a week or so ago, by something I didn’t even mean to say and what lead to a lot of other discussions, she is telling me to sign us up and we are going to start going to church again. It happend so quick I am a little dumbfounded, honestly, and am kinda waiting for the other hammer to drop!

In any case, don’t give up. Be persistent but back off sometimes(even for months) just to give him time to think.
 
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