Reasons I don't want to stay with my MIL

[Allegra]

EEEEUUUAAAGGGHHH!

My husband is from Wisconsin and we have to visit his family several times a year. Most of his family is nice and I guess it’s not THAT boring, but one thing I can’t stand is staying with his mother. Everytime, we say we won’t do it again, but it seems like everytime my husband caves and we end up staying there again. This time, however, was the LAST STRAW! I am totally prepared to hurt feelings, break hearts, make a scene, or even refuse to go at all. I will stay in a hotel. I will stay with his dad. I will stay with his grandma. In the summer, I will stay in a tent. But I will not, NOT, NOOOOOOOOT stay with his mother again! The following are my top reasons and you can tell me how unreasonable I am.

1. MIL is obsessed with tidyness and can’t even sit down to a meal with the family while there is a drip of grease on the table top.
2. Neither MIL nor SFIL are capable of appropriate socialization and every evening is spent staring at non-child-friendly TV shows.
3. Both MIL and SFIL go to sleep extremely early, and in the middle of the livingroom.
4. The only guest room is in the basement and there is no bathroom, so one has to creep through the dark livingroom (Where they are sleeping) to get to the bathroom on the other side of the house. If the baby needs a bottle, one has to manage this with a screaming child.
5. The house has an open floor plan and it’s impossible to keep my baby in a safe area of the house, unless you count the guest room in the basement. Thus, I spend litterally every moment she’s awake either holding her down or chasing her around to make sure she doesn’t hurt herself or break one of the thousands of nicknacks or picture frames MIL keeps at baby level.
6. They built a lot of the home themselves and the ballisters in the staircase are so far apart (probably to save money) that my baby could easily fall through them without even brushing the sides.
7. There is no phone in the house and we have no reception on our cell phones.
8. The closest fir edepartment and paramedic are 20 highway minutes away, and the closest major hospital, over an hour, but I guess that doesn’t matter since we can’t call them anyway.
9. They dismantled the fire alarms because they beep whenever the battery is out. (see 7 and 8) We actually bought a battery for the one by the guestroom the last time we were there, but it was disconnected again when we came this time. My husband had to drive to town to buy another one.
10. The only windows in the guest room in the basement are so small that we MIGHT be able to shove our baby out the window, but our heads wouldn’t even fit through. (see 7-9)
11. The house is heated by a wood-burning stove… IN THE MIDDLE OF THE LIVING ROOM! (see 7-10)
12. Despite the fact that the main source of heat in this home is a dangerous, iron stove in the middle of the room, there is no humidifier or air filter, which means the house is dry as a desert. After four days, my hands are cracked and bleeding and I’m sick as a dog.
13. There is no safety grate around the stove. (I have a curious toddler.)
14. Despite the fact that her husband can’t have glutan, my MIL insists on making pasta for us, using nasty gluten-free pasta that should be labeled as unfit for human consumption.
15. She gets mad at me when I tell her that I don’t allow my daughter to eat raw eggs.
16. She insists that my daughter sit in her old high chair because it’s the one she used as a baby and that my husband used, despite the fact that the strap is missing and that my daughter easily slides out the bottom.
17. As if keeping my baby safe in this environment wasn’t a fun enough job, my SIL brought over a stray cat as a gift for my MIL the second night we were there. Apparently, my MIL knew this was coming. (She had already bought the litter box.) but neglected to tell my husband.
18. The brand of coffee they use is really nasty.

 

[Della]

Yes you should stay at a hotel. If she doesn’t/can’t live up to your expectations, it’s better that you make other arrangements rather than hold onto a long list of greviences.

 

[Xantippe]

EEEEUUUAAAGGGHHH!

My husband is from Wisconsin and we have to visit his family several times a year.

Several times a year. Nope!

1. MIL is obsessed with tidyness and can’t even sit down to a meal with the family while there is a drip of grease on the table top.

I’ve got at least one of those.

1. Neither MIL nor SFIL are capable of appropriate socialization and every evening is spent staring at non-child-friendly TV shows.

**Nope!

Why are we visiting in order for the grandparents to ignore the kids and watch crud on the TV?

I am also familiar with the workaholic-TV-addict variety of grandparent. Grandpa comes home, flicks on FOX, and it stays on all evening (except for dinner, thank goodness).

My sympathy.

I’ve had better luck with that kind of grandparent when we do a trip together with an itinerary.
**

1. Both MIL and SFIL go to sleep extremely early, and in the middle of the livingroom.
2. The only guest room is in the basement and there is no bathroom, so one has to creep through the dark livingroom (Where they are sleeping) to get to the bathroom on the other side of the house. If the baby needs a bottle, one has to manage this with a screaming child.

Nope!!!

1. The house has an open floor plan and it’s impossible to keep my baby in a safe area of the house, unless you count the guest room in the basement. Thus, I spend litterally every moment she’s awake either holding her down or chasing her around to make sure she doesn’t hurt herself or break one of the thousands of nicknacks or picture frames MIL keeps at baby level.

Gah! Been there.

1. They built a lot of the home themselves and the ballisters in the staircase are so far apart (probably to save money) that my baby could easily fall through them without even brushing the sides.

Gah!

1. There is no phone in the house and we have no reception on our cell phones.
2. The closest fir edepartment and paramedic are 20 highway minutes away, and the closest major hospital, over an hour, but I guess that doesn’t matter since we can’t call them anyway.
3. They dismantled the fire alarms because they beep whenever the battery is out. (see 7 and 8) We actually bought a battery for the one by the guestroom the last time we were there, but it was disconnected again when we came this time. My husband had to drive to town to buy another one.
4. The only windows in the guest room in the basement are so small that we MIGHT be able to shove our baby out the window, but our heads wouldn’t even fit through. (see 7-9)
5. The house is heated by a wood-burning stove… IN THE MIDDLE OF THE LIVING ROOM! (see 7-10)
6. Despite the fact that the main source of heat in this home is a dangerous, iron stove in the middle of the room, there is no humidifier or air filter, which means the house is dry as a desert. After four days, my hands are cracked and bleeding and I’m sick as a dog.
7. There is no safety grate around the stove. (I have a curious toddler.)

**Gaaaaaaah!

The dangerous homes are pretty much par for the course with grandparents, I’m afraid–we have one set with a wood stove and one set that has (up until recently) always had swimming pools.**

1. Despite the fact that her husband can’t have glutan, my MIL insists on making pasta for us, using nasty gluten-free pasta that should be labeled as unfit for human consumption.

Terrible food is also par for the course.

1. She gets mad at me when I tell her that I don’t allow my daughter to eat raw eggs.
2. She insists that my daughter sit in her old high chair because it’s the one she used as a baby and that my husband used, despite the fact that the strap is missing and that my daughter easily slides out the bottom.

Gah!

1. As if keeping my baby safe in this environment wasn’t a fun enough job, my SIL brought over a stray cat as a gift for my MIL the second night we were there. Apparently, my MIL knew this was coming. (She had already bought the litter box.) but neglected to tell my husband.
2. The brand of coffee they use is really nasty.

That’s actually an opportunity. Now you know what to give as a hostess gift.

You’re not overreacting at all.

The only problem is how to get your husband on board and design safe, less stressful visits to see the in-laws.

I think you’d actually get more quality time (and for similar expense) if you designed a single three-day visit with outings and hotel for you. You’d have actual windows, a working phone, cell reception, possible wifi, safe heating, etc.

Good luck!

 

[Xantippe]

We have one set of dirty grandparents and one set whose home is as clean as an operating theater. It isn’t that much fun to visit either with small children, frankly.

We’ve done a few things to make visits to grandparents more manageable. (This is mostly for bigger kids, as I don’t really believe in long trips with toddlers anymore.)

1. I have adopted a no-fly policy for 1-3 year olds. They don’t like being strapped down for five hours. Fellow passengers don’t like flying with them. Hauling car seats around is a pain. Let’s not! The small booster seats for 4-year-olds are awesome–let’s wait until we can just pack one of those!
2. Daddy can take a big kid or two to see his family and Mommy can take a big kid or two to see her family. We don’t all have to go everywhere together, particularly since FIL has a track record of mumbling non-stop foreign language commentary on Mommy’s parenting and housekeeping skills.
3. On the road, we can purchase big kids a few inexpensive toys or coloring books of their choice. Everything is more glamorous when purchased while traveling.
4. Kindles are fabulous for big kids. Load 'em up before leaving. The battery life on those is amazing.
5. Hotel rooms have a number of kid friendly channels. Yay!
6. A night or two in the big city can provide lots of fun, if you choose location wisely. Two kids and I had an amazing couple of nights in Seattle with MIL a couple months ago. So much fun!

 

[ClearWater]

Sounds good what a previous poster said…a hotel . …

If it’s far away, also a rental car, (if you need to fly there, say) visits limited in nature (Maximum about 3 days, and also limit exposure during each day), and have a prepared signal to your spouse if something is wrong, to implement the Plan B.

Have a Plan B where you will do x, y, and z.

Oh…as to the dryness, what about glycerine? I used to either mix it with water or use it straight for skin.

 

[z_0101]

x 1000000

Yes you should stay at a hotel. If she doesn’t/can’t live up to your expectations, it’s better that you make other arrangements rather than hold onto a long list of greviences.

 

[1ke]

I’m sorry, you need *reasons *to not stay with relatives? Mais non, mon chere. You don’t need reasons. Your preference for how your family travels is reason enough.

Miss Manners does not require that one supply reasons for declining invitations. She merely requires you do so politely. Now, go practice your polite face.

 

[Hodegetria]

Oh my, you sure have some pretty valid reasons! No, no, no, you should not go back for overnights. Just the dangerous things for your baby are reason enough! But the two sleepers in the living room…forgive me but that just gave me a hearty fit of laughing! Your whole post could be the premise for a very funny movie. Sorry. It’s all too real for you.

Yes, I agree with the others, you must make other arrangements, whether staying at a hotel or the father’s place, a bed & breakfast, borrowing a friend’s camper, etc…

Just make the excuse that YOU don’t want to impose on THEM, and don’t take no for an answer! Not only is it a lousy time and obviously causing resentments, if your baby got hurt, you’d never forgive them, or yourselves. Good luck and God bless!

 

[bisco]

LOL, great list. this is why all the post Christmas homilies are about family dynamics. how did your husband escape the madness?

 

[GoldenSeal]

Oh my, you sure have some pretty valid reasons! No, no, no, you should not go back for overnights. Just the dangerous things for your baby are reason enough! But the two sleepers in the living room…forgive me but that just gave me a hearty fit of laughing! Your whole post could be the premise for a very funny movie. Sorry. It’s all too real for you.

Yes, I agree with the others, you must make other arrangements, whether staying at a hotel or the father’s place, a bed & breakfast, borrowing a friend’s camper, etc…

Just make the excuse that YOU don’t want to impose on THEM, and don’t take no for an answer! Not only is it a lousy time and obviously causing resentments, if your baby got hurt, you’d never forgive them, or yourselves. Good luck and God bless!

Great point! If people are sleeping in the living room, it’s definitely an imposition on the inlaws as well.

Make sure your husband knows how you feel. Everyone will be happier and get along better if you and your family stay in a hotel.

 

[Allegra]

I think you’d actually get more quality time (and for similar expense) if you designed a single three-day visit with outings and hotel for you. You’d have actual windows, a working phone, cell reception, possible wifi, safe heating, etc.

Good luck!

We’ve done this before and it’s a lot more fun. The only problem is, my MIL literally refuses to leave her house. We invite her to go out with us for meals, to the water park, to shop, to have a campfire, but she won’t go. She only wants to see us in her own house. She keeps asking why we can’t go enjoy ourselves and leave the baby with her. (As if I could enjoy myself worrying about my toddler and that stove!)

 

[Xantippe]

We’ve done this before and it’s a lot more fun. The only problem is, my MIL literally refuses to leave her house. We invite her to go out with us for meals, to the water park, to shop, to have a campfire, but she won’t go. She only wants to see us in her own house. She keeps asking why we can’t go enjoy ourselves and leave the baby with her. (As if I could enjoy myself worrying about my toddler and that stove!)

Does she have a physical disability or is it a psychological issue?

 

[Allegra]

LOL, great list. this is why all the post Christmas homilies are about family dynamics. how did your husband escape the madness?

He claims she wasn’t like this when he was growing up.

 

[bisco]

okay, but even fil and sil got it. reminds me of clark griswolds in laws.

 

[Allegra]

Does she have a physical disability or is it a psychological issue?

She does not have a physical disability and if it’s a mental thing, it’s very selective, because she goes to work every day and manages to get the shopping done, etc. For example, one of the days we were up there, we went out to lunch and visited an antique mall and craft store. She refused to go even though she’d taken the day off to spend time with us and complained that she didn’t get much time to see the baby and why didn’t we leave her there. I explained that we wanted to go out and do something as a family. She said she didn’t “like to go places”. So we went without her and when we got back, she had gone out and bought the baby a new toy.

 

[Allegra]

I’m sorry, you need *reasons *to not stay with relatives? Mais non, mon chere. You don’t need reasons. Your preference for how your family travels is reason enough.

Miss Manners does not require that one supply reasons for declining invitations. She merely requires you do so politely. Now, go practice your polite face.

The reasons aren’t for MIL! They’re for DH! I’m going to print off this thread and post it on the fridge to remind him when he’s making arrangments for our visit in March.

 

[His_helpmeet]

As a parent, and a nurse, I REFUSE to stay with my child in a place where there is no cell phone reception and no phone available. In the case of an emergency, you MUST have a way to get help quickly. It also sounds as if the house’s setup is completely inappropriate for a small child, and they seem unable or unwilling to adjust to that. Reason enough not to stay with them, IMHO. If they would like to see their GD and you would like to get together with them, I suggest that you find someplace public to visit them. If they refuse - well, sadly, I guess that just tells you where their priorities lie.

 

[pianistclare]

OK. You had me at the coffee thing.
:compcoff:



Years ago, my first MIL stood on our back deck and said:

" Wow. You could kill someone and dump the body in these woods, and they’d never find them".



Hotels. They’re the shizznit.

 

[Xantippe]

She does not have a physical disability and if it’s a mental thing, it’s very selective, because she goes to work every day and manages to get the shopping done, etc. For example, one of the days we were up there, we went out to lunch and visited an antique mall and craft store. She refused to go even though she’d taken the day off to spend time with us and complained that she didn’t get much time to see the baby and why didn’t we leave her there. I explained that we wanted to go out and do something as a family. She said she didn’t “like to go places”. So we went without her and when we got back, she had gone out and bought the baby a new toy.

Gaaaah!

Here’s the only thing that occurs to me–she’s getting really rigid and set in her ways as she gets older.

 

[pianistclare]

Here’s a thought:

perhaps MIL doesn’t really enjoy having visitors either???
Maybe DH just THINKS they want you all there so often.
Maybe they’d just as soon you all stayed elsewhere when you’re in town.
It’s worth a try…sometimes sons and daughters still believe they are the little princess or little prince. That the parents have not moved beyond their growing up years, where everything had to be done a certain way. If they can function with you guys living in another state, they can probably manage holiday visits where you are not underfoot.
Maybe DH should reconsider the whole arrangement. Good luck dear one!