Reasons I don't want to stay with my MIL

[O_Sapientia]

Dear OP,

You mock your MIL’s hang ups about being a clean freak, but it seems to me that you have several overly large hang ups of your own. Quite frankly you seem obssessed with safety measures. Is this your first child? You really should relax. You’re not comfortable with your in-law’s house and the environment there? Offer it up and respect your husband’s will. It’s a sacrifice you have make. They like you enough to invite you. In my opinion you should stop being so snobbish is condescending. They live differently from you. We humans have survived without fire alarms since Adam. I think we’ll do okay still.

I wouldn’t stay there. If my husband made a fuss, I would tell him, “Fine, you stay, I and the children are taking the car and driving to a hotel.” If he wouldn’t let you drive, I would bundle myself and the kids up warm and WALK to a hotel, and hopefully a kind truck driver would stop and give us a ride!

Counselling a wife to disobey her husband is accessorising yourself to her sin if she chooses to so just that. Counselling a sin is itself sinful. And you’d tell a woman to go out I to a strange land alone with her children and beg a loft off a stranger driver? Sure. That isn’t a death trap either.

If you want to be mean, tell the local authorities that your MIL keeps guests in a basement with only one means of egress. They might go after her and put a stop to it. On second thought, that’s not being mean at all, it’s being kind! Do it!

Incredible. You have such a sense of entitlement. Her in laws aren’t obligated to build a 4 bedroom extension for her. She CHOOSES to live there, and you’re saying she should contact the local authority on the living quarters her family provides out of the sheer goodness of their hearts?

I don’t know what went on between you and your in laws, but I strongly urge you to seek counselling and direction from a priest.

 

[Xantippe]

Dear OP,

You mock your MIL’s hang ups about being a clean freak, but it seems to me that you have several overly large hang ups of your own. Quite frankly you seem obssessed with safety measures. Is this your first child? You really should relax. You’re not comfortable with your in-law’s house and the environment there? Offer it up and respect your husband’s will. It’s a sacrifice you have make. They like you enough to invite you.

**There are sooooo many reasons besides liking them to invite your DIL to stay with you.
**

In my opinion you should stop being so snobbish is condescending. They live differently from you. We humans have survived without fire alarms since Adam. I think we’ll do okay still.

**
Yes. The OP and her family can do just fine–in her hotel room, with a fire alarm, her own bathroom, a window that actually opens, a working telephone, cell reception, a heater that won’t permanently scar the child if the child is unwatched for a moment, and a TV that she can turn to quality children’s program at bedtime, not the rape-and-kidnap cable news channel.

The OP’s MIL is giving out strong signals of not actually wanting all of this family togetherness.
**

Counselling a wife to disobey her husband is accessorising yourself to her sin if she chooses to so just that.

**So, if her husband wanted to drive them while drunk or high or to drive kids without car seats, she’d have to obey, because wifely submission?

That’s interesting.**

 

[ThyKingdomCome]

In the spirit of listing things I’ve rearranged (& shortened) your list a little to suit my response.

First are the major safety issues, & therefore deal breakers:

1. …the ballisters [are too wide]
2. …no phone and [no cell reception].
3. [Emergency services too far away]
4. …[no emergency exit from basement guest room]

These are the things your husband should cite if he has to explain why you are staying in a hotel. Such things (assuming he doesn’t talk about motive for the wide ballisters) are not personal, and are simply matters that you and he judge as too risky for overnight visits.

Next are the in-between matters. Problems that possibly can be addressed either to make it liveable, or just to make the house more pleasant to visit for the afternoon before you go back to sleep at your hotel.

1. Neither MIL nor SFIL are capable of appropriate socialization and every evening is spent staring at non-child-friendly TV shows.
   5)…[thousands of nicknacks or picture frames are kept at baby level]
2. They dismantled the fire alarms…
3. The house is heated by a wood-burning stove… IN THE MIDDLE OF THE LIVING ROOM!
4. …the house is dry as a desert. After four days, my hands are cracked and bleeding and I’m sick as a dog.
5. There is no safety grate around the stove.
6. She gets mad at me when I tell her that I don’t allow my daughter to eat raw eggs.
7. She insists that my daughter sit in her old high chair…

Having to follow the toddler around the house is a huge pain, but it might be something that can be dealt with. My in laws used to have tons of nicknacks at baby level too, and while I hated having to deal with them, we managed. One thing is that I would follow the baby around picking up things and placing them higher, until there weren’t that many things left at a low level.

Same with the stove grate. I’ve actually brought my own stair gate to my in-laws house - is this stove in a part of the room that can be gated off without too big of an expense from you? Would they be willing to keep that gate in the attic for your visits if you bought it?

Re: the battery - if you know it is likely to be dismantled, you can always put the battery on a list of things to bring with you when you go there.

Re: the dryness - perhaps this can be alleviated with extra hydration (use a nice big water bottle), and some good lotion. If you are truly sick and unable to alleviate it, then by all means avoid the place, but if you can bring it to the level of annoyance, then it might be worth the efforts to add in extra drinking water and lotion for the sake of the visit.

Re: the mil getting mad about raw eggs & insisting you use the high chair - some boundaries may need to be set - preferably by dh, but you may have to do this casually in conversation as things come up too. “Thanks for you suggestion, but the high chair just isn’t working out, and I am going to hold baby on my lap.” End of discussion. All other insisting can be replied to with: “no thanks.” Or “I understand you are comfortable with the raw eggs, but I am not. So baby is not going to have raw eggs, thanks anyway.” End of discussion. Certainly, there are family boundary situations that might cause one to consider limiting or eliminating contact, but often, being polite but firm in your stances will allow you to maintain your authority as the parent, and also visit. Not necessarily easy at first, but if you are kind, and consistent, in most cases, the family will adjust, and it will get easier for you.

Same idea with the TV shows. Ask them to change the channel for the sake of the kids, and if they won’t, leave the room when the shows are on. If that leaves no time for normal interaction, then yes, it makes sense not to stay there.

These last ones should be let go:

1. MIL is obsessed with tidyness and can’t even sit down to a meal with the family while there is a drip of grease on the table top.
2. Both MIL and SFIL go to sleep extremely early, and in the middle of the livingroom.
3. …one has to creep through the dark livingroom (Where they are sleeping) to get to the bathroom on the other side of the house. If the baby needs a bottle, one has to manage this with a screaming child.
   14)…MIL insists on making pasta for us, using nasty gluten-free pasta that should be labeled as unfit for human consumption.
   17)…SIL brought over a stray cat as a gift for my MIL the second night we were there. Apparently, my MIL knew this was coming. (She had already bought the litter box.) but neglected to tell my husband.
4. The brand of coffee they use is really nasty.

These are annoyances, but can be dealt with (unless there is a cat allergy or the cat is violent). Bad taste in coffee and pasta? You can live with that. Different sleep hours are a pain, but it’s only temporary. Just don’t let yourself feel guilty about the baby crying in the night - if they are welcoming you into their home, then they take what comes with it - which includes having their sleep schedules disrupted a little too. Just do what you need to do, and don’t feel guilty.

All that said, my suggestions for the “let it go” & “in between matters” would be for if you end up staying there again (which seems to be a real possibility, given your history). There are however, enough things on the “deal breaker” list, that you should just stay in a hotel. I know that when you have a bad visit, all of the complaints get piled on top of each other, making it seem really horrible. But I encourage you to let the annoyances go, take initiative to define healthier boundaries for the middle stuff, and choose the hotel because of the deal breakers only. If you can keep your explanations objective and about safety, you will hurt fewer feelings, and be more likely to have an easy transition to the “new way” of visiting.

 

[Allegra]

We humans have survived without fire alarms since Adam. I think we’ll do okay still.

Actually, quite a few of us haven’t. Over 50% of fire fatalities could have been prevented with functioning fire alarms. If something were to happen to my husband and daughter over the sake of politeness, I’d never be able to live with myself. By the way, my husband doesn’t consider that he has the right to demand that I stay in an unsafe environment. If I had refused to stay there, he would have come with us. I probably should have done that, but I was trying not to embarrass him and cause a scene. All it did was make what should have been a pleasant trip and unpleasant one.

 

[Xantippe]

Actually, quite a few of us haven’t. Over 50% of fire fatalities could have been prevented with functioning fire alarms. If something were to happen to my husband and daughter over the sake of politeness, I’d never be able to live with myself. By the way, my husband doesn’t consider that he has the right to demand that I stay in an unsafe environment. If I had refused to stay there, he would have come with us. I probably should have done that, but I was trying not to embarrass him and cause a scene. All it did was make what should have been a pleasant trip and unpleasant one.

Yes.

There are a million fires a year in the US, about 3,000 deaths and 17,500 injuries.

usfa.fema.gov/data/statistics/#tabs2

 

[Allegra]

Yes, as PaulfromIowa and Monicad have identified, the issue is with the husband here.

He needs to man up. If you print this thread for him to read, I hope he gets the message. What kind of husband subjects his wife and children to such horrid conditions as sleeping in a basement? A basement with no second exit in case the wood stove above starts a fire that won’t be picked up by working smoke detectors?

Of course it strikes me that there is a larger issue here. The long list of reasons merely disguises the fact that you hate staying there and your husband either doesn’t get it or ignores it. Thus, even if the key reasons are addressed, you would still hate staying there. That really should be enough. But until husband “gets it”, the safety issue alone is sufficient to refuse to stay there.

To explain further, my husband actually slept in that room himself for years. It was his room before it was a guest room. He was so used to it, he hadn’t considered the safety issues, until we stayed there with our daughter for the first time. (That was also the first time I had noticed that all the fire alarms had been dismantled.) We put batteries in one of the alarms at the bottom of the stairs, but we couldn’t hook it up to the system unless all of the other alarms were activiated as well. (or else it would just beep all night) Ideally, the downstairs alarm would go off if the upstairs alarm detected any smoke, but since we couldn’t hook it up, it wouldn’t sound until smoke was already in the basement. He also had never noticed the ballisters until we had a baby. The wood stove was new for this visit. The house has always been heated from an external wood furnace before.

 

[pianistclare]

If the in laws are sleeping in the living room…where are the other bedrooms and who is using them? Why are you relegated to the basement?

 

[Allegra]

Having to follow the toddler around the house is a huge pain, but it might be something that can be dealt with. My in laws used to have tons of nicknacks at baby level too, and while I hated having to deal with them, we managed. One thing is that I would follow the baby around picking up things and placing them higher, until there weren’t that many things left at a low level.

All that said, my suggestions for the “let it go” & “in between matters” would be for if you end up staying there again (which seems to be a real possibility, given your history). There are however, enough things on the “deal breaker” list, that you should just stay in a hotel. I know that when you have a bad visit, all of the complaints get piled on top of each other, making it seem really horrible. But I encourage you to let the annoyances go, take initiative to define healthier boundaries for the middle stuff, and choose the hotel because of the deal breakers only. If you can keep your explanations objective and about safety, you will hurt fewer feelings, and be more likely to have an easy transition to the “new way” of visiting.

I agree. If it was just the coffee and the nasty glutan-free stuff, I would suck it up. However, once you start making a list, those things pop up. The baby-proofing issues wouldn’t even be a big deal if it was just for an evening or an overnight, but for four days straight, well that’s a little different.

 

[Allegra]

If the in laws are sleeping in the living room…where are the other bedrooms and who is using them? Why are you relegated to the basement?

There is only one bedroom on the main floor and it’s theirs. They just don’t sleep in it for the entire night. They pass out in the livingroom for the first part of the night, then they might go to their room for a while, then they might come out and watch some TV and fall asleep on the sofa again. My husband used to sleep the same way before he got his C-pap machine. The only other two bedrooms are in the basement.

 

[YADA]

Allegra -

You should stay where you and your family are happy and can enjoy the visit - be that a motel or with other relatives.

You do not have to feel defensive, sad nor angry with how you feel. Your happiness and the safety of your family are your responsibility - you are doing exactly as you should.

Nor do you need to make excuses …

It is important that your husband and you are on the same page - united - present a calm, happy "this is what we have decided’ front … But it is also important that you spend some time with them in their home too [not over night] - for the sake of your husband and family relations …

Also - if possible you and your husband should spring for the proper number of long life smoke detector batteries for the safety of his mother and step father AND install them while you are there … it would/could be a life saving gift for your in-laws … they are not cheap - but are guaranteed 10 years … we decided to use these for the detectors we have in rooms with higher ceilings

amazon.com/ULTRA-smoke-alarm-battery-U9VL-X/dp/B00004W3ZE

 

[Allegra]

Allegra -

You should stay where you and your family are happy and can enjoy the visit - be that a motel or with other relatives.

You do not have to feel defensive, sad nor angry with how you feel. Your happiness and the safety of your family are your responsibility - you are doing exactly as you should.

Nor do you need to make excuses …

It is important that your husband and you are on the same page - united - present a calm, happy "this is what we have decided’ front … But it is also important that you spend some time with them in their home too [not over night] - for the sake of your husband and family relations …

Also - if possible you and your husband should spring for the proper number of long life smoke detector batteries for the safety of his mother and step father AND install them while you are there … it would/could be a life saving gift for your in-laws … they are not cheap - but are guaranteed 10 years … we decided to use these for the detectors we have in rooms with higher ceilings

amazon.com/ULTRA-smoke-alarm-battery-U9VL-X/dp/B00004W3ZE

Thanks! This is going right onto facebook!

 

[Cat]

I disagree that this is a “husband” issue, and that he needs to “man up.”

It sounds like Allegra’s husband grew up with this lifestyle as the “norm,” and so he may not see anything unusual or dangerous or unwholesome about it. (Allegra said that he slept in that downstairs bedroom growing up.)

What we grow up with becomes our “normal”, even if it’s very abnormal.

My husband has two siblings. He is ten years older than them, and grew up in a neat, clean, organized house. When his siblings came along, his parents started accumulating “stuff,” and the house gradually became more cluttered and incidentally, dirtier.

I met my husband when his siblings were toddlers, and so I was able to see the house “before” and “after.”

Now his parents’ house is a hoarder house, and we are concerned for the safety of his parents.

My husband and I have a fairly neat, organized home, and we constantly do “purges” to get rid of clutter. It’s hard for us to keep the place clean because of my arthritis and his lack of time, but we have gone so far as to hire maid service when we can’t get to it.

What’s interesting is that his siblings also have cluttered houses that tend to be somewhat dirty. Both of them own lovely homes that are much bigger and roomier than our little old ranch house, but they are cluttered. One of the siblings has a spouse that keeps the rooms seen by visitors neat, but has no control over some of the hidden rooms in the house, which are piled floor to ceiling with boxes and “stuff.”

The other sibling has a home that looks like an explosion took place–stuff everywhere, a kitchen piled high with pots and pans and dirty dishes and bags of groceries not unpacked and multiple pets that leave their own variety of “clutter”. Interestingly, this sibling lived at home with the parents until 30 years of age and therefore had the most exposure to the “cluttered” environment.

The point is, my husband’s siblings see this piled-up clutter as normal.

And I think that Allegra’s husband sees all of his parents’ practices and environment as normal. I think that he simply cannot see any reason to “man up” and stand up to his parents.

 

[Cat]

Dear OP,

Counselling a wife to disobey her husband is accessorising yourself to her sin if she chooses to so just that. Counselling a sin is itself sinful. And you’d tell a woman to go out I to a strange land alone with her children and beg a loft off a stranger driver? Sure. That isn’t a death trap either.

 

[Xantippe]

I disagree that this is a “husband” issue, and that he needs to “man up.”

It sounds like Allegra’s husband grew up with this lifestyle as the “norm,” and so he may not see anything unusual or dangerous or unwholesome about it. (Allegra said that he slept in that downstairs bedroom growing up.)

What we grow up with becomes our “normal”, even if it’s very abnormal.

My husband has two siblings. He is ten years older than them, and grew up in a neat, clean, organized house. When his siblings came along, his parents started accumulating “stuff,” and the house gradually became more cluttered and incidentally, dirtier.

I met my husband when his siblings were toddlers, and so I was able to see the house “before” and “after.”

Now his parents’ house is a hoarder house, and we are concerned for the safety of his parents.

My husband and I have a fairly neat, organized home, and we constantly do “purges” to get rid of clutter. It’s hard for us to keep the place clean because of my arthritis and his lack of time, but we have gone so far as to hire maid service when we can’t get to it.

What’s interesting is that his siblings also have cluttered houses that tend to be somewhat dirty. Both of them own lovely homes that are much bigger and roomier than our little old ranch house, but they are cluttered. One of the siblings has a spouse that keeps the rooms seen by visitors neat, but has no control over some of the hidden rooms in the house, which are piled floor to ceiling with boxes and “stuff.”

The other sibling has a home that looks like an explosion took place–stuff everywhere, a kitchen piled high with pots and pans and dirty dishes and bags of groceries not unpacked and multiple pets that leave their own variety of “clutter”. Interestingly, this sibling lived at home with the parents until 30 years of age and therefore had the most exposure to the “cluttered” environment.

The point is, my husband’s siblings see this piled-up clutter as normal.

And I think that Allegra’s husband sees all of his parents’ practices and environment as normal. I think that he simply cannot see any reason to “man up” and stand up to his parents.

Come to think of it, I have a visiting-family-with-baby safety issue story.

A couple years back, the baby and I were scheduled to make her first visit back to my hometown to see family. Baby was 7 (almost 8) months old and on the cusp of mobility. As it happened, we had a great trip, but there was a big hiccup at the beginning. The night before we were supposed to fly, I asked if our hosts had gotten a play pen. We had talked about this earlier (they were planning to borrow one), but it had somehow slipped the relatives’ minds. They live out in the country 90 minutes from the nearest store that sells playpens. I talked to the hometown megamart–the hometown megamart did not sell playpens. Now, had my relatives mentioned that it was difficult to get a playpen, I could have Amazoned one to them for $50 and had it there in two days, but they didn’t tell me, so I wasn’t able to do that. Moreover, it was looking like our transportation from the airport to the relatives was not willing to make a stop at Walmart, and as it was, we were scheduled to get to the relatives’ house around 10 PM.

From the relatives’ point of view, it wasn’t a big deal. They had a homemade cradle (some 35+ years old) with a foam cushion at the bottom to offer. (I think the sides were probably no more than about 10 inches high and it would be quite a fall to the floor.) Or maybe the (about to be mobile) baby could just sleep on the floor. No biggie, right? The promised playpen would be arriving in the next day or so anyway.

I was able to inspire my relatives to do some problem solving, and as it happened, all that it required was for a cousin who was working for them the following day to make a trip out to their house with the playpen a bit earlier than scheduled. Problem solved!!!

 

[His_helpmeet]

Dear OP,

You mock your MIL’s hang ups about being a clean freak, but it seems to me that you have several overly large hang ups of your own. Quite frankly you seem obssessed with safety measures. Is this your first child? You really should relax. You’re not comfortable with your in-law’s house and the environment there? Offer it up and respect your husband’s will. It’s a sacrifice you have make. They like you enough to invite you. In my opinion you should stop being so snobbish is condescending. They live differently from you. We humans have survived without fire alarms since Adam. I think we’ll do okay still.

Counselling a wife to disobey her husband is accessorising yourself to her sin if she chooses to so just that. Counselling a sin is itself sinful. And you’d tell a woman to go out I to a strange land alone with her children and beg a loft off a stranger driver? Sure. That isn’t a death trap either.

Incredible. You have such a sense of entitlement. Her in laws aren’t obligated to build a 4 bedroom extension for her. She CHOOSES to live there, and you’re saying she should contact the local authority on the living quarters her family provides out of the sheer goodness of their hearts?

I don’t know what went on between you and your in laws, but I strongly urge you to seek counselling and direction from a priest.

This is not about hangups. This is about a legitimate safety issue. I don’t know if you read everything, but let me recap some of the major points:

1. There is NO way to get rapid help in an emergency. The ILs, as I recall, don’t have a phone and there is no cell phone reception.
2. There is NO way to get out of the basement should there be a fire, apart from the stairs.
3. There are NO smoke alarms in the home.

This is NOT a house that ANY caring husband should be recommending his wife and child visit.

 

[underacloud]

I disagree that this is a “husband” issue, and that he needs to “man up.”

It sounds like Allegra’s husband grew up with this lifestyle as the “norm,” and so he may not see anything unusual or dangerous or unwholesome about it. (Allegra said that he slept in that downstairs bedroom growing up.)

As Monicad addressed, this has a lot to do with the husband backing down from agreements with Allegra.

But moreover, as the theme of the thread in general discusses, there are major safety issues here. This is not simply a matter of different ideas of “normal” - the husband needs to “man up” because he is placing his wife and child in unacceptable danger.

And I think that Allegra’s husband sees all of his parents’ practices and environment as normal. I think that he simply cannot see any reason to “man up” and stand up to his parents.

From Allegra’s account, he does actually agree with many of her points. The reasons to “man up” are clear enough.

Or better yet, why not just be a supportive husband and recognise how unhappy his wife is in this situation?

(I’m a male, so this is not a matter of husband bashing; more a general matter of prioritising one’s spouse).

 

[Allegra]

I disagree that this is a “husband” issue, and that he needs to “man up.”

It sounds like Allegra’s husband grew up with this lifestyle as the “norm,” and so he may not see anything unusual or dangerous or unwholesome about it. (Allegra said that he slept in that downstairs bedroom growing up.)

What we grow up with becomes our “normal”, even if it’s very abnormal.

My husband has two siblings. He is ten years older than them, and grew up in a neat, clean, organized house. When his siblings came along, his parents started accumulating “stuff,” and the house gradually became more cluttered and incidentally, dirtier.

I met my husband when his siblings were toddlers, and so I was able to see the house “before” and “after.”

Now his parents’ house is a hoarder house, and we are concerned for the safety of his parents.

My husband and I have a fairly neat, organized home, and we constantly do “purges” to get rid of clutter. It’s hard for us to keep the place clean because of my arthritis and his lack of time, but we have gone so far as to hire maid service when we can’t get to it.

What’s interesting is that his siblings also have cluttered houses that tend to be somewhat dirty. Both of them own lovely homes that are much bigger and roomier than our little old ranch house, but they are cluttered. One of the siblings has a spouse that keeps the rooms seen by visitors neat, but has no control over some of the hidden rooms in the house, which are piled floor to ceiling with boxes and “stuff.”

The other sibling has a home that looks like an explosion took place–stuff everywhere, a kitchen piled high with pots and pans and dirty dishes and bags of groceries not unpacked and multiple pets that leave their own variety of “clutter”. Interestingly, this sibling lived at home with the parents until 30 years of age and therefore had the most exposure to the “cluttered” environment.

The point is, my husband’s siblings see this piled-up clutter as normal.

And I think that Allegra’s husband sees all of his parents’ practices and environment as normal. I think that he simply cannot see any reason to “man up” and stand up to his parents.

While he hadn’t noticed the problems before, he agrees they are issues now. I’m pretty sure this isn’t going to happen again.

 

[Cat]

I believe you are 100% right that the original poster’s husband probably sees his parents’ practices as normal! Where this comes down to a marriage problem is that the original poster indicated that her husband agreed that they would not stay there anymore because of the conditions, but then he backs down.

This is why (in my opinion) it is a marriage issue because what is boils down to is that the spouses are making an agreement and the husband is backing out of the agreement, several times it sounds like. In situations like this of any kind, the husband and wife need to be on the same page or at least come to some sort of compromise. That’s why I believe this is a “husband” issue much more than a “mother-in-law” issue. Hope that makes sense, God bless.

Yes, I see what you’re saying.

I hope that Allegra and her husband will stand their ground together, and not spend overnight visits at his parents’ house. A short visit, and then drive to the hotel. Or even better, a picnic OUTSIDE, and then drive to the hotel.

If the parents are unwilling to settle for this in order to see their son and grandchildren, then I’m going back to Dr. Laura’s assessment–these people are evil. It’s beyond selfish to demand that your children and grandchildren kowtow to unreasonable and dangerous demands. Stay in touch with them from a distance, but do not expend a great deal of energy trying to spend any time with them until the children are old enough to understand the situation and accept these relatives with some bit of grace.

 

[EasterJoy]

I’m sorry, you need *reasons *to not stay with relatives? Mais non, mon chere. You don’t need reasons. Your preference for how your family travels is reason enough.

Miss Manners does not require that one supply reasons for declining invitations. She merely requires you do so politely. Now, go practice your polite face.

This.

Frankly, OP, the problem is not that your dear husband caves in to his parents. The problem is that you have had an agreement with him, and you don’t hold him to doing what he said he would do.

Drop the laundry list. It is not charitable. When you are a guest in someone else’s home, you eat what they eat and drink what they drink, without complaining. I think if you gave yourself more credit and allowed yourself to stick to your guns on the real reasons, the ones which stand alone as a reason not to repeat as a house guest, you would not even let these more petty annoyances bother you at all.

The laundry list, BTW, is what my husband calls “gunny sacking.” It is the practice of gathering up lots and lots of complaints, both big and small, into one big sack and dumping them out together in order to make the complaints look bigger and more indisputable. It is not fair. One complaint at a time, on its own merits, please. Otherwise, you can guarantee that the target of your complaints will go on the defensive, and you will not have a happy outcome. Complain more fairly, and you’ll have better negotiations for everyone on your complaints.

 

[EasterJoy]

Thanks! This is going right onto facebook!

No, no, no. My apologies if I read you wrong, but you do not mean you are going to “out” your in-laws on Facebook, do you?!?

No. Your husband and his siblings ought to install smoke and CO detectors in his parents’ home and see to their maintenance, even if they have to pay someone else to do it. No airing the matter outside the family, though.

When you have to take your parents in hand, so to speak, it must be done with great respect and sensitivity.

My son, take care of your father when he is old; grieve him not as long as he lives.
Even if his mind fail, be considerate with him; revile him not in the fullness of your strength.
For kindness to a father will not be forgotten, it will serve as a sin offering - it will take lasting root.
In time of tribulation it will be recalled to your advantage, like warmth upon frost it will melt away your sins.
Sirach 3:12-15