Recent Struggles in Catholic Relationship

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Clang74

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I’ve recently become friends with a wonderful Catholic woman. She’s divorced and annulled with 6 fantastic kids. I’m divorced, awaiting my annulment decision and childless.

We met on CatholicMatch (in retrospect, I’m surprised “divorced” is the only requirement), and really hit it off. I communicated my annulment status, and we’ve become close friends while maintaining an appropriate relationship (minimal romantic overtones, building the friendship - as I’m uncertain as to how my annulment petition will be received by the Tribunal). Our first “meeting” was a sharing of her Adoration hour. Our second, was a live talk given by an EWTN host. I would best describe our relationship as a holy friendship at this time. I always considered myself a man of faith, but my faith has been strengthened by the strength, grace, and devotion displayed by this woman.

This weekend I met her parents, siblings, and their spouses. It was a wonderful experience with another devout Catholic family. Being a “cradle Catholic”, I admire their devotion to their faith…especially our Blessed Mother and strong pro-life stance.

Sunday AM, I was supposed to join her for Mass, followed by brunch with her and her children. When I arrived, I didn’t see her vehicle. I saw her father, a few of her kids (with grandpa), and siblings with their families…but not her. At first I assumed the worst…she’d bailed on our plans. Later, it turns out she HAD been there, but I hadn’t seen her (she’s short, I guess). In frustration, I left immediately after Mass.

I texted her trying to figure out what had happened. It turns out her kids saw me as I was driving away. I got a text about 30 minutes later, and she was upset that I had left without saying anything. I offered to turn around and come back…explaining the situation. No response. I understand her frustration, as (even unwittingly) I had caused distress in her children. You can cause hurt without intending to. A single mom of six has every right (and responsibility) to be protective and angry when someone hurts her children’s feelings, whether the hurt was intended or not.

I’ve communicated my desire to “make things right” by doing something special to make up for it. I’ve received no reply.

I’m looking for prayers that can help. Most “healing” prayers for relationships are specifically for romantic relationships (we have purposely been limiting romantic context at this time). I’ve started out saying several Rosaries (never a bad place to start), but was hoping for advice as to something more specific. Perhaps a Saint whose intercession might be warranted?

I want nothing but the best for her. If she’s feeling anger toward me, I’d like to pray for her peace…even if it means without me in her life. I thought our friendship was strong. Shared interests, love of family, laughter (lots of laughter!!!), and we could help each other in our quests to get to Heaven.

Any advice would be appreciated.
 
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So, I am trying to understand.
You thought she wasn’t there so you texted her and then left.
She texted you back 30 minutes later and was upset.
Did she not look for you before mass? Did neither of you text each other before mass?
Sounds like a misunderstanding being made bigger than it needs to be.
Prayers are always good. Pray too that she doesn’t get angry at a mistake–one that you made or she made.
ps You apologized but stop groveling 🙂
 
You hit it on the nose…and I did text her before Mass…I was staying at her parents’ house, and decided to leave and explore her town a bit. I didn’t want her to think I had “jumped town” if she stopped there before Mass. I also had a few questions about her particular parish’s customs. I didn’t hear back, because her phone was off. I’m guessing the 30 minutes was a combination of looking for me, getting everyone home, and sending me the message.

I also think you’re right as to the groveling. I may have done that. Being unable to have children, they have a special place in my heart. It tore me up inside to think I disappointed them (and my frustrated exit may have prevented the miscommunication from being resolved).
 
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My advice. No more interactions with her children until you are CERTAIN that you are free to become stepfather. It will be so very difficult on both you and the kids to grow in affection only to find that there cannot be a marriage.
 
Perhaps this is a good example of exactly that. 😦 Ambiguous relationship, and while we both have a thorough understanding that this might not turn into anything more depending on the Tribunal, the kids are likely incapable (at least the younger ones).

So very hard, though. They’re ingrained into her very self. Hard to separate her as a woman and friend from her as a mother.
 
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I don’t understand why you didn’t stay for mass. You’re already there…its mass.
 
Oh ok. That makes a lot more sense. Finding eachother at mass is tricky. You did what you could.
 
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But I’m not sure I did. I left in frustration. It was a small, rural church (parish is about 200 families, I believe). I could just as easily have waited for one of her siblings to exit, and asked.

I’ve been praying hard…trying to focus on praying for her benefit, not the selfish “Please let her not be angry with me.” Also, praying to heal whatever hurt may have been caused to her children. Maybe planning to spend time with them was premature, but the harm has been done.

Can anyone think of any specific prayers or saints that might be applicable to the situation? It’s admittedly an ambiguous relationship…focusing on strictly friendship after meeting on a dating site. Limiting romantic context while there is certainly an aspiration for more (at least on my part).
 
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Whoops, I missed welcoming you – so WELCOME!!!
I am still not getting how her kids were hurt (it may be obvious and I don’t see it).
It’s her church, would be nice for her to be on the lookout for you. Or at least she could have told you the layout and where to meet.
You are very hard on yourself. And that comes from someone who is much the same.
Pray that if it is meant to be, it will and that she can at least meet you halfway.
If something so innocent and unintended can lead her to anger, what then would something serious provoke?
 
Her kids were hurt because they wanted to meet mom’s friend and eat out. They were disappointed. While we’ve made efforts to limit any potential confusion on their part, they do know that I make mom smile…a lot (their words).

I’m not worried about a temper. I’ve never seen anger from her, and truly believe this is the result of hurt.
 
I think she did just those things you are accusing him of.
 
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1ke,

I’ve owned up to my actions. I’m not arguing that I was in the right. I’m not accusing her of anything. Perhaps you’re right and she’s “smart of her not to go down the road of romance with a man who would behave as you did.” I also know that I have a heartfelt desire to own up to and fix my actions.

However, I’d ask that you also note that I asked for advice on how to pray for her peace…even if it doesn’t include me in her life.
 
Again, though it’s noble you are taking responsibility, it’s not all on you. All she had to do was make the effort to find you, or answer her phone or text you back. If the kids were hurt, she had her part in it too.
 
dollysro,

I appreciate your encouraging words, but my actions are the only ones I can address.

1ke,

I made a single mistake. I regret my actions. I’m taking responsibility for them. I don’t think it’s fair to judge my character by something I’ve already admitted regretting (immediately). While my actions may not have been correct, I can assure you that my intentions are sound.
 
Maybe the staying at her parents house but leaving to explore town on your own a bit came off as strange or rude. Maybe that isn’t what she expected you would do that morning. Uncommunicated expectations can frustrate all of us.
 
Sneeze,

Great insight…but I think I had that one covered.

She did receive that text. Pointed out that I couldn’t sleep, so left early (6:00-ish) and didn’t want to alarm her. Even left a note for her parents thanking them and saying I’d be at Mass.

Some of it was admittedly the potentially awkward situation of eating breakfast and getting ready for mass alone with 2 people I had just met.

Further clarification,

I’d expected that I arrived before her…didn’t see her vehicle. I sat about 2/3 of the way back, hoping to be visible. I still don’t know for sure where she was seated. If she was with her kids (who I assumed came with Grandpa), it was the front corner furthest from the entrance. She’s shorter…5’4" at best. If she was at the far end of the pew, it’s entirely possible that she was obscured…or that’s what I’ve been putting together in my head.

Edited to add (as I’ve reached my maximum replies for the day):

I’m really hoping that someone has some ideas of prayers to pray to give her a little peace from whatever hurt she’s feeling.

The original point of this post wasn’t for advice on how to fix the relationship, determine blame, or to justify it.

We were pursuing friendship alone, because of the uncertainty of my annulment. We had met through the CM site (which is why I am surprised that “divorced” is the only status required) before I realized that a romantic pursuit would be inappropriate. Our time together has been largely faith-based, as it was unlikely to lead to anything other than friendship. As such, I’m certain that she viewed me as a friend meeting her kids…which I’m certain happens all the time with her friends.
 
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OP, this is why you should not have gotten involved with someone before your annulment was certain. This is why you should not meet and hang out with her kids and her parents so early in a relationship.

That being said, it is not all on you. She is just as much at fault.

She has made a simple misunderstanding into a huge deal even after you explained and apologized. What kind of an adult acts that way? I understand that you see many qualities you admire and respect, but don’t let them blind you to her faults.

She should never have gotten involved with someone that is not free to marry, nor let her 6 kids meet you. It is way too early in the relationship for that. You apologized for something and she is unforgiving. What if it were about something more serious, and after you are deeper in the relationship?
 
I’m not arguing that it was permissible, correct, or anything of the like. We did our best to conduct ourselves in a proper way, but in retrospect it may not have been.

With that being said, my post wasn’t intended to debate the scenario, place blame on either one of us, etc. But rather for insight as to any prayers I could pray for her benefit.
 
I am sorry you took whatever people said that way. I know that people are only trying to offer insight into your struggles. People tend to discuss what people post, expand on it and offer thought from all sides. If you only wanted prayers, I am not sure why you explained things in such detail, or posted in Family Life instead of prayer intentions. But the last line of your OP did say you were looking for advice.
 
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