Recently Got Engaged

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Our OP seems to have left, but for other readers, I just wanted to mention what we did for our youngest’s baptism last year. There’s a small bakery near the church and I made arrangements and secured a separate room for us and the bakery set out coffee, water, pastries, and fruitcake samples (they’re a famous fruitcake maker and they threw in the fruitcake samples for free). They charged us only about $25 total, as I recall. I had told them we would probably have a maximum of about 20 people.

Cash gifts will probably cover a moderate expenditure for food and drink for guests.
 
Agatha813 said:
I posted this because I want to know what to say without sounding rude and was looking for good reads about having and maintaining a Catholic wedding. Again, not looking to be criticized for wanting something incredibly simple.
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You don’t need anyone on this forum to tell you what you should say to your loved ones. When you send out the wedding invitations, simply tell your guests what you have written above. I can’t imagine anyone that would criticize a young couple for saying that "We’d love to have you at our wedding but we can’t afford a reception. I hope you understand."
 
You mentioned you won’t be checking this anymore, but just in case…

It seems, at least from your posts, that money is part of the issue. I think you’ve been given lots of great ideas about how to spend very little money and still provide a little refreshment to your guests. So, if this is the concern, it really can be done.

If you already plan to greet all the guests and spend a little time with them anyway after the ceremony, there isn’t really any harm in having desserts somewhere. Lingering around the church for an hour or two may not be an option anyway- there may be an afternoon mass or confessions and you have to clear out, or some other time constraint.

I think it is one thing to have a small wedding, invite a few people and not have a reception of some sort, but quite another to invite a lot of people, ask them to travel in some cases, accept their gifts, and then provide them no place to gather and eat a little something- and then take off to Disney. The reason you’re not getting the answers you’re looking for is that there is really no way to tell people this without sounding rude because it truly is in poor taste. If you really don’t want any sort of reception, ultimately that is your choice to make. But to save family relationships it would probably be better, in that case, to invite very few people to the wedding (as in, immediate family only).

Another thing- you said that your Disney honeymoon will “give you the peace and happiness to start your marriage off on the right foot”. Starting your marriage off right has nothing to do with going on a honeymoon. I understand being private people and being excited to go away together, but I would caution you not to focus so much on your trip in lieu of graciousness to family and friends. Your honeymoon will last a week, and the people you ask to come to your wedding will be around for your lifetime. You don’t need to have an extravagant reception, but part of starting your marriage off right is to celebrate it with those you’ve asked to come and witness it.
 
If you’re engaged for 2 years you have plenty of time to save for a humble reception.
 
Agatha813 said:
It’s okay, really. I understand where people are coming from, but I don’t really like people making me sound like a sex crazed maniac or incredibly selfish, when I’m not. Lots of hugs and kisses will be given to people that come, but I guess in the end that’s what I’ll have to do. I’ll say no reception, but that everyone will be given their time for pictures and such after mass.

I do appreciate different (name removed by moderator)ut. I wish I had heard more of what I was looking for, I suppose, but it was also good to read different opinions. The ‘dessert’ parties sound great, but I don’t think many of you realize that where I’m at, the parish hall is not that cheap. It touches the thousands mark without including the food and seats. And we both have big families to feed and take care of, so no, it’s not as black and white as many of you think.

Again, I really don’t like being disrespected like this. None of you know me personally, or what my intentions were after I get married. I wasn’t going to literally run out of the church, that’s for sure.

Thanks again everyone, but you guys can all ignore this thread officially. I will officially never look at this post again once I’m done writing this.
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If you are a parishioner there, you should not be charged at all. At our parish the “fees” are for people we don’t know.
I’m shocked. As an alternative, State Parks and Courthouses generally have rooms for rent that are pretty reasonable for a small reception.
OK, so I just realized you’re not going to look at this,
as the church lady famously said:
“Nevermind”.
 
None of you know our background, our families, or what we’re currently going through just to be together forever. We were never accused of being selfish, what people were telling us is that we are ‘missing out’ and were told not to worry about our honeymoon trip, because it’s only a trip. That is rude and wanted to handle them and other people in our families that feel the same in a nice way to respect our wishes.

You guys have no idea what we’re going through these 2 years. Judging people, bashing, and trying to push ideals on them is everything I don’t seek when I seek the Catholic forum.

The vast majority of our family will love us regardless and they KNOW we love them, they don’t need food or a party to know this. That’s why we were never accused of being selfish in the first place, that was all you ‘Catholic’ forum. Now, I do appreciate people giving me advice, but since most of you wanted to bash me while giving me advice, I was turned off completely. Don’t do that, seriously. Some of you had great ideas, but totally made me angry with your rude assumptions.

BY THE WAY, I love how none of you didn’t even bother to suggest talking to a priest; which we are tomorrow, because I feel he will approach us in a non-judgmental fashion and guide us properly based on OUR situation. I’m always open to advice, but I’m NEVER okay with people bashing others based of assumptions alone, because that’s what most of you were doing. But thank you to the people that weren’t so judgmental on here. I appreciate it.

I think my favorite piece of advice here is that we’re probably going to experience ‘mechanical’ problems during our honeymoon anyway. Bravo. Keep it classy and judgmental ‘Catholics’. I’m so disappointed in all of you. I loved going to this forum, because most of you have really good and intellectual things to say, but man this time it was the complete opposite. I have never felt so ashamed to be a Catholic before.
 
Agatha813 said:
None of you know our background, our families, or what we’re currently going through just to be together forever. We were never accused of being selfish, what people were telling us is that we are ‘missing out’ and were told not to worry about our honeymoon trip, because it’s only a trip. That is rude and wanted to handle them and other people in our families that feel the same in a nice way to respect our wishes.

You guys have no idea what we’re going through these 2 years. Judging people, bashing, and trying to push ideals on them is everything I don’t seek when I seek the Catholic forum.

The vast majority of our family will love us regardless and they KNOW we love them, they don’t need food or a party to know this. That’s why we were never accused of being selfish in the first place, that was all you ‘Catholic’ forum. Now, I do appreciate people giving me advice, but since most of you wanted to bash me while giving me advice, I was turned off completely. Don’t do that, seriously. Some of you had great ideas, but totally made me angry with your rude assumptions.

BY THE WAY, I love how none of you didn’t even bother to suggest talking to a priest; which we are tomorrow, because I feel he will approach us in a non-judgmental fashion and guide us properly based on OUR situation. I’m always open to advice, but I’m NEVER okay with people bashing others based of assumptions alone, because that’s what most of you were doing. But thank you to the people that weren’t so judgmental on here. I appreciate it.

I think my favorite piece of advice here is that we’re probably going to experience ‘mechanical’ problems during our honeymoon anyway. Bravo. Keep it classy and judgmental ‘Catholics’. I’m so disappointed in all of you. I loved going to this forum, because most of you have really good and intellectual things to say, but man this time it was the complete opposite. I have never felt so ashamed to be a Catholic before.
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OK. Your parish priest is not going to give a hoot if you have a reception or not.
But you asked, if is possible to forego a reception without seeming rude. The majority of people said no. I particularly like the response that said “the honeymoon is week out of your life…the relationships with family and friends are for a lifetime.” Put that together with those who may not be into Catholic weddings and waiting for marriage, and you could be setting yourself up for a lot of hurt feelings on YOUR part in the future. I think the posters here are trying to save you embarrassment.
No, we don’t know you or your personal situation.
You asked if it was possible to not appear rude, and the majority response was “no”.

I know I probably am with everyone else in wishing you all the best. Prayers go with you.
 
Agatha813 said:
… The ‘dessert’ parties sound great, but I don’t think many of you realize that where I’m at, the parish hall is not that cheap. It touches the thousands mark without including the food and seats. And we both have big families to feed and take care of, so no, it’s not as black and white as many of you think.

Again, I really don’t like being disrespected like this. None of you know me personally, or what my intentions were after I get married. I wasn’t going to literally run out of the church, that’s for sure.

Thanks again everyone, but you guys can all ignore this thread officially. I will officially never look here again…
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My two takeouts from this thread:

1). A church charging a parishioner over $1,000 to use a church hall for a couple of hours is outrageous.

2). The response by the OP to the (name removed by moderator)ut she has received does not suggest great maturity. The assertion that she has been disrespected is nonsense. I suspect she is uncomfortable with her own intentions.
 
Rau said:
Understood. Presumably you would also advise guests that you will not be accepting gifts?

The Asians take a sensible approach, which is that they generally give money rather than gifts, and the money received usually exceeds the cost of the reception.
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The Irish do this as well in Ireland. My husband said every time his parents received a wedding invitation they dreaded reading where the dinner or luncheon was to be held. Then, they would call the venue, ask the price of a similar meal, and then decide whether or not they should go to the reception or only the Mass based on whether they could gift back the cost of the meal. Of course, for close relatives, they would always make sure to go. I had never heard of this, but he says it is a common practice, since in Ireland the couple generally pays for the reception, not their parents. Now, this is near the west coast…maybe it’s different in Dublin. Amazing all the “etiquette” involved in wedding prep.
 
My husband and I got married in Vegas. (Trip/Wedding in one).

Then, we did a potluck a few months after the wedding at our townhouse. It worked out well for all concerned.

It is possible to keep things small and reasonably priced.

There wasn’t much family to worry about.
 
Agatha813:

“BY THE WAY, I love how none of you didn’t even bother to suggest talking to a priest; which we are tomorrow, because I feel he will approach us in a non-judgmental fashion and guide us properly based on OUR situation.”

That’s great–I guess I assumed you had already done that.

“I think my favorite piece of advice here is that we’re probably going to experience ‘mechanical’ problems during our honeymoon anyway.”

Are you really unaware that that is not at all an unlikely situation you may have to deal with? It really is, and it’s not “judgmental” to say so. It’s best to keep expectations for early marital intimacy low–even just managing to consummate can be surprisingly difficult.

en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Vaginismus

There can be male issues, too, of course.
 
I just think it’s an awful lot of pressure to put on oneself to have a super expensive honeymoon combined with trying to initiate marital intimacy. “Here we are, in the happiest place on earth, we’re spending hundreds of dollars a day, and we can’t even manage to have sex. Waaah!”
 
We did a small (roughly 35 guests) reception with hors d’oeuvres and soft drinks (no alcohol). It was held at a local hotel. It cost roughly $1,000. Our families covered the cost for us but our cash gifts would have practically covered the cost of the reception. We didn’t do a honeymoon as we were in the process of buying a house and strapped for cash.
 
I didn’t read all the posts, so I apologize. I have to cut my time short, as I have been on the internet too long. :rolleyes:

I admire your desire for no reception or something very small. It is so refreshing.

My mother and father, who were married in the early 1950’s, had a small reception at my mother’s sister’s place. As I understand it, that was not uncommon back then. He was the love of her life and when he passed away sometime in his mid-sixties, she never remarried. I have their wedding photo on the wall in my bedroom. I believe it was the only one. They are a very happy couple in a church parking lot. Beautiful photo.

These days, people make so much of a big deal over wedding receptions, flowers, photographers, bands. One of my neices was married in October. It cost a total of $6000 and she originally only wanted to get married at the courthouse!

I like the idea of a small reception in a church hall with cake and punch and have been to a reception like that before. There is no need to hire a photographer nowadays when everyone has cell phones with cameras and can share and print photos for you.

Congratulations! I am sure everything will work out fine just as long as you keep control and don’t let anyone try to talk you into something that won’t quite fit with your vision for yourselves.

Any Disney Park is an amazing place to celebrate a life event, as the cast members and guests celebrate with you when you wear the special buttons. I celebrated a birthday at Disneyland and it was one of my best!
 
Agatha813 said:
None of you know our background, our families, or what we’re currently going through just to be together forever. We were never accused of being selfish, what people were telling us is that we are ‘missing out’ and were told not to worry about our honeymoon trip, because it’s only a trip. That is rude and wanted to handle them and other people in our families that feel the same in a nice way to respect our wishes.

You guys have no idea what we’re going through these 2 years. Judging people, bashing, and trying to push ideals on them is everything I don’t seek when I seek the Catholic forum.

The vast majority of our family will love us regardless and they KNOW we love them, they don’t need food or a party to know this. That’s why we were never accused of being selfish in the first place, that was all you ‘Catholic’ forum. Now, I do appreciate people giving me advice, but since most of you wanted to bash me while giving me advice, I was turned off completely. Don’t do that, seriously. Some of you had great ideas, but totally made me angry with your rude assumptions.

BY THE WAY, I love how none of you didn’t even bother to suggest talking to a priest; which we are tomorrow, because I feel he will approach us in a non-judgmental fashion and guide us properly based on OUR situation. I’m always open to advice, but I’m NEVER okay with people bashing others based of assumptions alone, because that’s what most of you were doing. But thank you to the people that weren’t so judgmental on here. I appreciate it.

I think my favorite piece of advice here is that we’re probably going to experience ‘mechanical’ problems during our honeymoon anyway. Bravo. Keep it classy and judgmental ‘Catholics’. I’m so disappointed in all of you. I loved going to this forum, because most of you have really good and intellectual things to say, but man this time it was the complete opposite. I have never felt so ashamed to be a Catholic before.
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Agatha, I don’t think anyone here is being judgmental or “pushing ideals” on you. Most of the posters who took the time to respond to your question, however, felt that there simply is no good way to tell a large number of people they are invited to your wedding but you will not be providing any sort of refreshment or place to gather. We can’t give you advice because there is no good way to say this- it’s truly poor etiquette. You don’t need to rent out the expensive church hall- there are plenty of places to hold functions for a couple hundred dollars. It sounded in your original post as though you’d be okay with having one if someone would pay for it, so it sounded like you were just unaware of how cheaply it really could be done, and not that you just did not want to have one, period. (Which is what it sounds like is really the case- it’s not so much that you can’t afford to throw together a simple dessert reception, but rather that you just don’t want one and want an excuse not to have one.)

If you really don’t want a reception of any sort, you can tell anyone who brings it up “We will not be having a reception” and refrain from giving any reasons, and just keep repeating that to people. That’s the best way I can think of to handle it, because the more excuses you give to people the less they are going to understand and the more you will become frustrated.

You have to understand, though, that asking a lot of people to witness your marriage (and likely most of these people will give you gifts as well) and then jetting off to Florida without giving them so much as a place to sit down and a cup of coffee is more rude than people suggesting to you that you are “missing out” by not having a reception. There are a lot of ways to have either a frugal reception, or a non-traditional reception (even a get-together that occurs a few weeks or months later) and posters have given you a lot of great ideas in this thread. But the reception is not for you, it is for your guests, and not showing your appreciation to them in some way or another for taking their time and spending their money to be with you on your wedding day- well, there’s no good way to say this to people. People know that there are frugal ways to put on a little something, so your money excuse isn’t going to cut it. The best you can do is not give any reason at all- just simply say “we will not be having one”, end of story. You don’t owe anyone any excuses- it is your wedding. Just realize what kind of message you are sending to your family and friends by doing it, that’s all most of us are saying. Best wishes!
 
Lorelei12 said:

“then jetting off to Florida”

She is in Florida–that’s the only thing to make it a wee bit offensive, as it’s not going to be as expensive for her to go to Disneyworld as it would be for 80% of us.
 
Sorry–there should have been a “less” in there somewhere.

The fact that she is in Florida makes it LESS offensive to be going to Disneyworld.

I firmly believe that there will be enough cash gifts to serve punch and cake.
 
Xantippe said:
Sorry–there should have been a “less” in there somewhere.

The fact that she is in Florida makes it LESS offensive to be going to Disneyworld.

I firmly believe that there will be enough cash gifts to serve punch and cake.
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I must have missed that somewhere, that the OP lives in Florida. I agree that that makes it a bit less offensive financially speaking. Certainly they’ll receive a lot more in cash than some cake and punch would cost.

On the other hand, it doesn’t really sound like money is the main issue anyway- the OP said that she’d “appreciate it if people would let them have their honeymoon in peace” which sounds to me like they want to say a quick hello to people and then take off. If Disney is close enough that they don’t need to run off to catch a flight that’s even more reason to stay and spend a little time with guests.
 
Congratulations! And God’s blessings on your marriage.

Before you go any further in your plans, why not get a copy of the newly released book, Just Married by Greg and Lisa Popcak. It’s available at the link below. It certainly will be helpful to be well informed as you begin to do decision-making as a couple. Communication is key!

avemariapress.com/author/577/Gregory-K-Popcak/
 
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