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Norm640
Guest
What a problem. Must be nice.
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takers
Guest
I’ve been to a Catholic wedding (full mass) that didn’t have a reception afterwards and frankly it felt weird and off putting. There was the wedding mass which was a great celebration of family, friendship, and togetherness then after a minute or two with the bride and groom (as there were a lot of people attending the mass) it was…“well, now what do we do. Leave I guess.” I understand your desire to save money and start out on your life together with just the two of you as soon as possible, but a wedding isn’t JUST about the two of you. That’s where I feel a reception comes in. It’s acknowledging all the people who have been there for each of you through the years and then as you both came together and became one.
In the end it is your decision and perhaps you could add a line about “After our wedding nuptials conclude please stay for a quick thank you (no refreshments served) and then it’s a fast exit to our honeymoon!” I think the expectation will be that drinks/snacks will be provided after the mass so it would be nice to let your guests know otherwise.
In the end it is your decision and perhaps you could add a line about “After our wedding nuptials conclude please stay for a quick thank you (no refreshments served) and then it’s a fast exit to our honeymoon!” I think the expectation will be that drinks/snacks will be provided after the mass so it would be nice to let your guests know otherwise.
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Burgher412
Guest
My husband & I were also positive that we didn’t want to waste money on a party when we’d rather use it as a downpayment on a house. We were also sure that we didn’t need a reception because our wedding was about our love, not about needing attention & having everyone fawn over us.
We didn’t want an engagement party, a bridal shower or a reception because it would just be a waste of money that could be better spent and — in our quite immature minds — those parties would be for everyone but us so we were sure we’d either end up resenting having spent the $$$ or our reception would be a tacky embarrassment because we weren’t willing/able to put out the cash.
Long story short, the bridal shower & reception couldn’t be avoided without life-altering family drama (literally) so we caved. Years later, we’ve both come to realize that next to our marriage ceremony itself & the birth of our son, our reception was the best thing we ever did. We didn’t want a reception because we were scared to admit that we didn’t think we could afford to have anything nice unless we sacrificed our plans for our immediate future as a married couple (a modest honeymoon & buying a home).
It took some work but we rented a beautiful building in a very scenic local park for about $200 bucks, had crafty friends & family members help make simple decorations & had a buffet style dinner from a small local caterer for less than $20 per person. It was a casual event on a beautiful late spring/early summer day where the party could happen rain or shine. Guests wore casual clothes & children romped on the lawn like any other family picnic.
We spent more than a year finding the perfect venue, caterer, photographer & DJ but had over 100 people with less than $2,000 spent. It took some work finding what we needed in our budget but we’ve been grateful every moment since that we did it this way because it was so truly “us” & completely original.
Years later, countless friends & relatives still tell us that our wedding was the best they’d ever been to because it was relaxed & informal while still being elegant. We saw relatives we never get to see & had some last good times with some who passed not long after.
Obviously, you could have something nice while spending even less by doing canapés instead of a meal, making your own food, having less people, having a friend take the photos and skipping the DJ. Public parks, botanical gardens, historic sites are often affordable for $25-$50, you just have to find the right ones. You could easily put something simple yet elegant together for just a few hundred dollars & spend 2 hours of your time to share your special day with people who care about you.
Of course, you may truly not want to have a reception or you might be like us & just think that you can’t afford a nice one so skipping it is the best way to go. Just be sure to think through how hurtful it would be to those around you to be intentionally excluded from the celebration of your marriage, because it will probably hurt a lot of people. If you do forego any type of reception, just be sure that you do it for the right reasons & not because of immaturity or financial defensiveness because if that’s the case, you will probably come to regret the decision very much later on.
We didn’t want an engagement party, a bridal shower or a reception because it would just be a waste of money that could be better spent and — in our quite immature minds — those parties would be for everyone but us so we were sure we’d either end up resenting having spent the $$$ or our reception would be a tacky embarrassment because we weren’t willing/able to put out the cash.
Long story short, the bridal shower & reception couldn’t be avoided without life-altering family drama (literally) so we caved. Years later, we’ve both come to realize that next to our marriage ceremony itself & the birth of our son, our reception was the best thing we ever did. We didn’t want a reception because we were scared to admit that we didn’t think we could afford to have anything nice unless we sacrificed our plans for our immediate future as a married couple (a modest honeymoon & buying a home).
It took some work but we rented a beautiful building in a very scenic local park for about $200 bucks, had crafty friends & family members help make simple decorations & had a buffet style dinner from a small local caterer for less than $20 per person. It was a casual event on a beautiful late spring/early summer day where the party could happen rain or shine. Guests wore casual clothes & children romped on the lawn like any other family picnic.
We spent more than a year finding the perfect venue, caterer, photographer & DJ but had over 100 people with less than $2,000 spent. It took some work finding what we needed in our budget but we’ve been grateful every moment since that we did it this way because it was so truly “us” & completely original.
Years later, countless friends & relatives still tell us that our wedding was the best they’d ever been to because it was relaxed & informal while still being elegant. We saw relatives we never get to see & had some last good times with some who passed not long after.
Obviously, you could have something nice while spending even less by doing canapés instead of a meal, making your own food, having less people, having a friend take the photos and skipping the DJ. Public parks, botanical gardens, historic sites are often affordable for $25-$50, you just have to find the right ones. You could easily put something simple yet elegant together for just a few hundred dollars & spend 2 hours of your time to share your special day with people who care about you.
Of course, you may truly not want to have a reception or you might be like us & just think that you can’t afford a nice one so skipping it is the best way to go. Just be sure to think through how hurtful it would be to those around you to be intentionally excluded from the celebration of your marriage, because it will probably hurt a lot of people. If you do forego any type of reception, just be sure that you do it for the right reasons & not because of immaturity or financial defensiveness because if that’s the case, you will probably come to regret the decision very much later on.
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dixieagle
Guest
I think this is excellent advice.Exactly. It’s prudent to be a little gracious. After all, people will give you gifts, even if you don’t expect them to. A small amount of coffee, punch and cake won’t break the bank. People will want to give you their hugs and best wishes in a more social setting than simply a receiving line. It’s a once in a lifetime thing. If you can afford Disney, you can afford a tiny reception. Ask the church ladies to help you (you know the ones I mean). They will LOVE it and put lots of love and best wishes into it for you. Plus, all church ladies know how to get stuff on the cheap.
Congratulations, by the way. I wish you many years of blessings and holy happiness together.
pianist
We are not talking extravagance here… just showing graciousness and hospitality to people who have come to see you married, and who will, in all likelihood, give you gifts to celebrate your wedding.
If you think that providing some cake and coffee to these people, and spending an hour or so with them after the Mass is too much, then I think, in all charity, that some soul-searching is in order.
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dixieagle
Guest
When you specifically ask for advice and describe a situation that is clearly highly unusual (wanting NO reception at all) you are going to get opinions that likely differ from what you want to hear. Disagreeing is not the same as “bashing.”
Despite what the wedding magazines might say, your wedding day is not just “all about you.” You are part of a Catholic community (even if you are “ashamed” that most of us don’t agree with you) and showing a modicum of respect and generosity to those who celebrate your marriage with you is a very Christian thing to do.
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thequeen
Guest
The polite thing to do is invite everyone to some kind of reception it doesn’t have to be expensive that you will be inviting to the wedding.
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Xantippe
Guest
Our OP probably isn’t here, but here’s a rationale:
Normally, when we invite people places, we are responsible for feeding them something. If I invite people over to watch a movie, I’ll have something to eat and drink, and if I have friends over for a playdate with my kids, I’ll serve them something to eat and drink. If I were invited over to somebody’s house and they made no effort to give me food or drink of some kind, I would assume that they didn’t like me and wanted me to leave as quickly as possible. Not serving something at some sort of reception is a really unfriendly gesture, unless it was an absolutely tiny wedding (priest, bride groom, witnesses), and in that case, why not just have lunch together?
Serving guests food and drink is not some sort of “unspiritual,” un-Catholic thing to do–it’s just a basic thing that grownups do when we have guests. As adults, we need to consider the comfort of others, as well as what we may be unwittingly communicating by our non-observance of standard etiquette.
Normally, when we invite people places, we are responsible for feeding them something. If I invite people over to watch a movie, I’ll have something to eat and drink, and if I have friends over for a playdate with my kids, I’ll serve them something to eat and drink. If I were invited over to somebody’s house and they made no effort to give me food or drink of some kind, I would assume that they didn’t like me and wanted me to leave as quickly as possible. Not serving something at some sort of reception is a really unfriendly gesture, unless it was an absolutely tiny wedding (priest, bride groom, witnesses), and in that case, why not just have lunch together?
Serving guests food and drink is not some sort of “unspiritual,” un-Catholic thing to do–it’s just a basic thing that grownups do when we have guests. As adults, we need to consider the comfort of others, as well as what we may be unwittingly communicating by our non-observance of standard etiquette.
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pianistclare
Guest
Exactly.
Matthew 14:16
Matthew 14:16
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thequeen
Guest
I was at a wedding like this also not long ago at our parish the bride and groom took off without even saying thank you and the worst part about was when they took their gifts and loaded them up in a van with out even a thank you. Even the priest made a comment afterwards about it.
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27lw
Guest
My thought is, if she doesn’t want a reception, fine. Just don’t invite people to your wedding then. A reception literally means, a time when you “receive your guests”. If you don’t want to receive them, don’t invite any.
Isn’t hospitality a big theme in the scriptures?
Isn’t hospitality a big theme in the scriptures?
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pianistclare
Guest
YES!
I don’t think our dear OP is still here…but in all honesty, I don’t think anyone meant any disrespect. We were just trying to save her the embarrassment and the fallout from BOTH sides of the new family. And friends who might get their feelers hurt. :bighanky:
When a person is newly engaged (or about to get engaged) there’s so much excitement you naturally tend to think everything is going to be all roses and champagne.
Well, maybe just roses…
Srsly though, there are other concerns, like it or not.
At least in our culture.
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Rau
Guest
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Irishmom2
Guest
Sorry, but this is all about the money.
The OP is okay with a reception if someone else will pay for it. She and her boyfriend don’t want to be the ones paying for it because they need ALL of the money they are going to save for 2 years for something for themselves.
They would have a reception if it was going to be given to them for free, but not if they have to pay for it. That isn’t the same as not wanting one.
Everyone has told her what she didn’t want to hear, and because she didn’t like the answer, she says they are disrespectful to her. She asked if it was rude, and everyone said yes.
No, not disrespectful, just truthful.
I hope you will mature in the time it takes you to save enough money for your trip.
(Yes, I believe you are still reading this thread even though you said you were done with it.)
The OP is okay with a reception if someone else will pay for it. She and her boyfriend don’t want to be the ones paying for it because they need ALL of the money they are going to save for 2 years for something for themselves.
They would have a reception if it was going to be given to them for free, but not if they have to pay for it. That isn’t the same as not wanting one.
Everyone has told her what she didn’t want to hear, and because she didn’t like the answer, she says they are disrespectful to her. She asked if it was rude, and everyone said yes.
No, not disrespectful, just truthful.
I hope you will mature in the time it takes you to save enough money for your trip.
(Yes, I believe you are still reading this thread even though you said you were done with it.)
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thequeen
Guest
I wonder if she is even mature enough to handle married life.
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CAROLOFTHEBELLS
Guest
What the heck is wrong with you people! You are totally proving what the OP said about you and this website is true. This is terrible. Who are you to call someone immature?
This is how you show the love of God? I am ashamed of this website at this moment.
I think almost everyone here is making this about money EXCEPT the OP. I notice people on this website jump to conclusions and judge people by what they read into their posts. It is really strange, as if you think you actually have met this person or are mind readers. Get a life and stop pretending like you are living someone else’s.
Okay - so now you can talk about what I said as if you really know me, which you don’t. So I don’t care. As long as you leave her alone, because it just really ticks me off that she is being judged.
This is how you show the love of God? I am ashamed of this website at this moment.
I think almost everyone here is making this about money EXCEPT the OP. I notice people on this website jump to conclusions and judge people by what they read into their posts. It is really strange, as if you think you actually have met this person or are mind readers. Get a life and stop pretending like you are living someone else’s.
Okay - so now you can talk about what I said as if you really know me, which you don’t. So I don’t care. As long as you leave her alone, because it just really ticks me off that she is being judged.
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Rau
Guest
While I agree that some posts have been a little too sharp, I think it would be appropriate to direct your comments more specifically at posters that you feel have transgressed, rather than firing broadly at “you people”.
But back to the topic, it seems to me the OP was pretty clear that she did not want to spend money on a reception. If I’ve misunderstood her perspective, could you clarify what it’s actually about?
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zzz
Guest
I agree, Carol!
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Cartesian
Guest
Stop making sense
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Xantippe
Guest
CarolOftheBells said:
“I think almost everyone here is making this about money EXCEPT the OP”
The OP is planning to not give so much as a cup of punch or a cookie or a place to sit down to people who may have traveled considerable distances to see her get married or who were planning to give her large cash gifts or who had other stuff to do that day, but chose to spend their precious leisure time on the OP’s wedding.
With a small enough wedding, it is possible to skip having a reception (like if you had no guests at all). Or you could have lunch out with guests (if it was just a handful). Or you could ask a bakery to host a donut and coffee reception (if you had a couple dozen guests). Or you could promise everybody a 1st anniversary party (if you are expecting a crowd). There are dozens of ways to do this cheaply without offense or embarrassment.
We had a family wedding recently where there weren’t enough chairs, there weren’t enough cups, and they did one of those elegant micro-wedding cakes where there was only enough cake for about 4 people, and everybody else had to do without. I’m sure it photographed beautifully (the dresses and church and everything were lovely), but it does look selfish and/or thoughtless to go all out on certain things (the dress, the elegant cake, the amazing honeymoon) and then not think about our guests’ basic comfort. I think the bride in my family would have done better to just get a cheap white store sheetcake, rather than enjoying the fancy wedding cake that her guests didn’t get in front of them. I’m afraid that the combination of Disneyland for a honeymoon and no food or drink at all for guests is going to produce a similar impression. (The bride in my family story is a great person, so I’m mystified how the whole thing happened. There must be some sort of wedding fever that causes these fiascoes.)
“I think almost everyone here is making this about money EXCEPT the OP”
The OP is planning to not give so much as a cup of punch or a cookie or a place to sit down to people who may have traveled considerable distances to see her get married or who were planning to give her large cash gifts or who had other stuff to do that day, but chose to spend their precious leisure time on the OP’s wedding.
With a small enough wedding, it is possible to skip having a reception (like if you had no guests at all). Or you could have lunch out with guests (if it was just a handful). Or you could ask a bakery to host a donut and coffee reception (if you had a couple dozen guests). Or you could promise everybody a 1st anniversary party (if you are expecting a crowd). There are dozens of ways to do this cheaply without offense or embarrassment.
We had a family wedding recently where there weren’t enough chairs, there weren’t enough cups, and they did one of those elegant micro-wedding cakes where there was only enough cake for about 4 people, and everybody else had to do without. I’m sure it photographed beautifully (the dresses and church and everything were lovely), but it does look selfish and/or thoughtless to go all out on certain things (the dress, the elegant cake, the amazing honeymoon) and then not think about our guests’ basic comfort. I think the bride in my family would have done better to just get a cheap white store sheetcake, rather than enjoying the fancy wedding cake that her guests didn’t get in front of them. I’m afraid that the combination of Disneyland for a honeymoon and no food or drink at all for guests is going to produce a similar impression. (The bride in my family story is a great person, so I’m mystified how the whole thing happened. There must be some sort of wedding fever that causes these fiascoes.)
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Xantippe
Guest
Sorry! Disneyworld, not Disneyland.
I’m from the West Coast, so I tend to forget about the existence of Disneyworld.
I’m from the West Coast, so I tend to forget about the existence of Disneyworld.
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