Recipe for a successful, long lasting marriage?

[Island_Oak]

There’s obviously not one perfect formula for all marriages, but most of these seem as if they’d be effective:

• Meeting through friends
• Marrying after three-and-a-half years of courtship
• Walking the aisle at age 31 for the groom and age 29 for the bride
• Keeping the spark alive with three calls, e-mails or texts during each workday
• Saying the L-word at least once a day
• Waiting two years and two months before starting a family
• Taking two romantic meals out each month
• Doing the deed three times per week
• Kissing four times per day
• Spending three nights per week cuddling on the sofa
• Allowing for two separate nights out with friends per month
• Taking two weekends away per year

 

[Miserissima]

I firmly believe that, as Archbishop Fulton Sheen said, “It takes three to get married.” It’s not only you and your spouse, but you, your spouse, and God. In this way, a marriage is to be taken very seriously. There also needs to be a recognition that no matter how many times you fail your spouse, or your spouse fails you, it is only through God’s grace that married people make it through the difficult times together. After all, married people are reflections God’s relationship with His Church. We fail him – individually. But He loves enough to forgive us and come to us again if only we humble ourselves to ask.

So, a way to make a marriage work is to take the vows to God and each other seriously, but take yourself less seriously. Let your spouse know what you need, as gently as possible.

Being married is also a way to sublimate pride and become flexible and self-giving. Even if I know I’m right, do I have to rub my spouse’s nose in it? What do I get from always being right?

And for those who are married to unbelievers, even if their marriage has not been regularized, remember that Paul wrote in 1 Cor 7:14 (Douay), “For the unbelieving husband is sanctified by the believing wife; and the unbelieving wife is sanctified by the believing husband: otherwise your children should be unclean; but now they are holy.”

So, even if there’s only one believer in the relationship, there are still three in the marriage.

 

[_wifey]

There’s obviously not one perfect formula for all marriages, but most of these seem as if they’d be effective:

• Meeting through friends
• Marrying after three-and-a-half years of courtship
• Walking the aisle at age 31 for the groom and age 29 for the bride
• Keeping the spark alive with three calls, e-mails or texts during each workday
• Saying the L-word at least once a day
• Waiting two years and two months before starting a family
• Taking two romantic meals out each month
• Doing the deed three times per week
• Kissing four times per day
• Spending three nights per week cuddling on the sofa
• Allowing for two separate nights out with friends per month
• Taking two weekends away per year

I’m not sure I understand. Are you saying this is the way to a lasting marriage? What if you cannot afford to eat out twice a month? What if having sex 3 times a week isn’t feasible? Why 2 years 2 months before having kids? What if you cuddle more often than 3 time a week or what if your couch is too small? funny story we actually just bought a new couch for that very reason…it was too narrow for cuddling!! I’m not trying to bash, but I’m not sure I understand what makes this a good formula? What about acts of service towards your honey? What about praying together (or in the event of being married to an unbeliever, praying for them)?

 

[Cat]

I’ve been married 30 years this summer, and I don’t agree with a lot of things on this list. I realize that it is probably based on a statistical analysis, and so there are lots of people who don’t fit the stats.

I do agree that a long courtship is a very good idea. Dating (or courtship, if that word makes you feel better!) often involves hiding all your bad traits and habits from the other person, but the longer you date (or court), it becomes harder to hide those bad traits. My husband and I dated (courted) for six years before we married, and in that time, we experienced the following:

1. He saw me barf, and in fact, held my head and wiped my mouth after I barfed. And it wasn’t due to drinking alcohol (neither of us drinks). It was Russian flu that devastated our college campus one winter.
2. I was with him after hernia surgery, and experienced what it’s like for a man to be limping around, in pain “down there,” and sore.
3. We both did plenty of activities with children of all ages–an excellent way for a couple to see if they’re right for each other!
4. We sat through the Dr. Dobson “Focus on the Family” film series as teenagers, and used the series to discuss all of our child-rearing preferences.
5. We cooked and cleaned for each other. We did other dirty, physicall-demanding chores together, including painting, baling hay, etc.
6. We studied together.
7. We made music together (I mean that literally! This is not an analogy for “you know what!”)
8. We did lots and lots of family dinners, excursions, etc. together. I knew his family and he knew mine, and he married me anyway!
9. We attended church together, and did lot of ministries together.

Anyway, you get the idea. There were no secrets, no surprises. He knew that I wasn’t much of a cook and that I had no clue about sewing, and I knew that he wasn’t planning on becoming a millionaire and retiring at age 30, and that he had no clue about gardening. No surprises.

I disagree entirely with the ages (31 and 29). By then, a couple is set in their ways. My husband and I literally grew up together and formed our viewpoints and habits TOGETHER. Many people thought we were brother and sister. We were married when we were 21 years old. Same thing for my daughter and her husband (married last summer). They dated (courted) for seven years, and got married last summer when she was 22 and he was 25. They are so alike that he really seems like our real son!

I think that the older a couple is, the harder it is for them to adapt to a new person in their “territory.”

Keeping the spark alive with 3 calls, etc.–frankly, I would find that irritating. I don’t need to hear from my husband 3X a day to know that he loves me. We say it through actions done every day, e.g., paying bills on time, making sure there’s a meal (usually out), shovelling the snow, bringing in the newspaper, etc.

Not sure about waiting to start a family.?? Now that I have converted to Catholicism, I wish with all my heart that my husband and I had been more open to life from the very beginning. Our two daughters are wonderful, but we regret not having more children, and waiting so long to have the first child (almost four years after wedding). I can see waiting until a couple is finished with school, but that’s a trap, too. My BIL and SIL waited for ten years to start their family; first it was his Ph.D, then a move out of state, then a house, etc. You get the idea. When they decided to start their family, BOTH of them tested sterile. They did the IVF several times ($$) and failed, and finally started adoption procedures, just barely making it under the age wire. I know that both of them wonder if the decision to wait so long affected their ability to produce children. They just took fertility for granted.

Two separate nights out with friends–I know couples who vowed that they would spend separate time with friends after the wedding, and many of these couples are divorced. After the wedding, the spouse is Number One priority. I think that a balance is what’s important. I also think that the seasons of the marriage are important; IOW, sometimes the friend-dates just have to be put on hold, e.g., after the birth of a baby, during a serious family crisis, during a death-time of family member, etc. Right now, our children are grown and out of the house, and my husband spends a few hours a day at the ice skating rink with his skating friends. This works great now, but if he tried that while the girls were still home, I would have been an unhappy camper!

Anyway, I agree that the best recipe for a happy marriage is the involvement of God, and I would add the active involvment by the couple in a church.

 

[Serap]

There’s obviously not one perfect formula for all marriages, but most of these seem as if they’d be effective:

• Meeting through friends
  We met through friends
• Marrying after three-and-a-half years of courtship
  We married after 5 years! I thought he’d never ask me!!!
• Walking the aisle at age 31 for the groom and age 29 for the bride
  I was 35 and hubby was 37
• Keeping the spark alive with three calls, e-mails or texts during each workday
  We don’t call eachother unless we want something
• Saying the L-word at least once a day
  Yeah we do that if we are not fighting
• Waiting two years and two months before starting a family
  I got preggers 3 months after our wedding
• Taking two romantic meals out each month
• We eat home b/c we both think restaurants were a waste of money.

Doing the deed three times per week
Now that we have a baby, it’s more like 3 times a month

• Kissing four times per day
  I don’t count, but we kiss everyday
• Spending three nights per week cuddling on the sofa
  Yeah we do this pretty much every night
• Allowing for two separate nights out with friends per month
  We aren’t into that, but we do it every now and then for special occassions, etc
• Taking two weekends away per year
  yeah we do this, but take baby with us

 

[armywife]

We’ve only been married eight years, not long in the grand scheme of things but maybe the trick is only really being with them half the time. If you add up all the deployments and other separations due to the Army we’ve only been physically together 4ish years. This way we’re REALLY happy to see each other when he is home. (OK, sorry. Couldn’t help the sarcasm.)

But really, as far as the list goes:
-We married at 22 and 24 after knowing each other a year.
-Had a honeymoon baby.
-Go out by ourselves once in a blue moon, but we actually get a weekend at least once a year due to sympathetic family who knows he’s gone all the time.
-If he called me three times a day I would think he was nutso, but texting is fine…I don’t have to text back
-We do “the deed” when we can, but we’re pretty affectionate the rest of the time.
-We tried that separate night out thing once but there’s no way now with five kiddos.

Maybe the real trick is that we met through friends, we did do that one right:thumbsup:

 

[stringbeanduck]

I’ve heard, choose wisely and treat kindly.

 

[PaulinVA]

I think the number one ingredient is both the man and the woman believe that marriage is for life.

If you believe that, then you will choose wisely.

 

[rpp]

How to have a long lasting marriage? Two words.

Duct tape.

 

[baylee]

There’s obviously not one perfect formula for all marriages, but most of these seem as if they’d be effective:

• Meeting through friends
• Marrying after three-and-a-half years of courtship
• Walking the aisle at age 31 for the groom and age 29 for the bride
• Keeping the spark alive with three calls, e-mails or texts during each workday
• Saying the L-word at least once a day
• Waiting two years and two months before starting a family
• Taking two romantic meals out each month
• Doing the deed three times per week
• Kissing four times per day
• Spending three nights per week cuddling on the sofa
• Allowing for two separate nights out with friends per month
• Taking two weekends away per year

I’m assuming you got this from some other source. Although there appear to be some good ideas, I’m not buying most of it…especially the ones that require specific number of times for certain things, certain lengths of time and certain ages. I’m sure there are many successful marriages with very different time frames and ages.

 

[whatevergirl]

In general, I think that the list is good…but of course, everyone has individual experiences. I was 22 and my dh 32 when we married…I was pregnant 9 months into the marriage, but we definitely try to tell each other we love one another every day, a few times per day…and mean it. Hugging and looking at each other deeply…sometimes, with schedules, it can be hard, but we try.

Keeping sex alive, is very important. Not number 1, but it definitely is important, as it’s through this, that physically, emotionally, and spiritually, we bond together.

I agree on the length of engagement. We were engaged about 2 years, anything short of a year engagement, in my eyes, is too short…now this depends on how long you’ve been dating. If you have been dating all through college exclusively, for example, and are engaged 6 months, that wouldn’t be rushing things, because of the long courtship. I don’t think it’s ever wise to date someone for less than 6 months, and then get married…not enough time to really see who this person is, their family, etc…

I also agree with dining out, or spending time alone without the kids, at least twice per month…it makes dh and I feel like we are dating again, and I think couples need that from time to time.

But, again, everyone is individual…without God…I don’t think any “recipe” will work, frankly. Following God’s will, and sacrificing for each other is the key to a long lasting relationship.

Oh, and what rpp said. lol

 

[KristinM]

Love is a verb

 

[shannyk]

There’s obviously not one perfect formula for all marriages, but most of these seem as if they’d be effective:

• Meeting through friends
• Marrying after three-and-a-half years of courtship
• Walking the aisle at age 31 for the groom and age 29 for the bride
• Keeping the spark alive with three calls, e-mails or texts during each workday
• Saying the L-word at least once a day
• Waiting two years and two months before starting a family
• Taking two romantic meals out each month
• Doing the deed three times per week
• Kissing four times per day
• Spending three nights per week cuddling on the sofa
• Allowing for two separate nights out with friends per month
• Taking two weekends away per year

While I would agree all these things are nice, I think it’s the ideas behind them that are important.

Keeping in touch with each other, keeping the lines of communication open, taking time to know the other person and take an interest in them and their interests and give them some time and space when possible to pursue those interests, being affectionate, it’s all good.

I think the other things are extras, like going out. While very nice to be able to do, 4 times a month might be impossible or cost prohibitive for many.

As for the age thing, I think that’s very dependent on the couple. I know 50 year olds who aren’t ready tog get married yet:shrug:

Personally, I think rpp has the best solution Is there anything duct tape can’t tackle? Me thinks not.

Truly the triangle with God at the top is the way to keep spouses united. Fr. Bob Levis once told me that marriage is the hardest vocation and without God in it it’s impossible. I think he’s right. Giving yourself fully to your spouse is something that is so contradictory to our human nature, I can’t see it happening without some Divine assistance.

If there is one thing people in marriage (myself including when I was married ) is not see the big picture, the long haul, the point of marriage, the end.

Two weekends away per year?? I envy anyone who can do that. I got exactly two weekends away with my husband our entire marriage, and that was on our honeymoon.

 

[Truly_Beloved]

#1 God

#2 Communication

#3 Sense of Humor

I’ve only been married for 5 years, but so far, these 3 things have been the most important, I think.

Oh, and Dr. Janet Smith recommends having a baby before that 2-year mark.

His statistical data show that those who have the first baby in the first two years of marriage and another baby in the next couple years of marriage, have a much longer lasting marriage than those who don’t.

From Contraception: Why Not

 

[samcarter14]

There’s obviously
not one perfect formula for all marriages, but most of these seem as if they’d be effective:

• Meeting through friends
• Marrying after three-and-a-half years of courtship
• Walking the aisle at age 31 for the groom and age 29 for the bride
• Keeping the spark alive with three calls, e-mails or texts during each workday
• Saying the L-word at least once a day
• Waiting two years and two months before starting a family
• Taking two romantic meals out each month
• Doing the deed three times per week
• Kissing four times per day
• Spending three nights per week cuddling on the sofa
• Allowing for two separate nights out with friends per month
• Taking two weekends away per year

Hm, well, then my DH and I are doomed.

–We met through the Internet, though we later found out he had known my brother well at college.
–We married after one year of courtship/engagement.
–He was 29, I was 26.
–Our first kid was born a year after we were married–was actually due two days before our anniversary.
–We don’t have date nights because we do not trust sitters with our kids. (We had a very bad experience.) We have couple time after the kids are in bed.
–DH is home a lot for work, but when he’s at work, we don’t call each other unless there is vital information to impart.
–Separate nights out? When we don’t have date nights? See above. I go to the library once a week by myself, and count myself lucky.
–If we take vacations, we take the kids. Why wouldn’t we?

We’ve been married 10 years in April, and our marriage has only improved over the years.

 

[lifeisbeautiful]

Where did this list come from? I think some of the items could have even been harmful in my case (lol, the ages for one ), 3.5 yr courtship… Waiting 2 yrs and 2 mo for a baby? Eek, my second child was 1.5 mo old by then . Anyways, it is missing the biggy numero 1, placing God first and foremost in your life and relationship (which implies striving to be the best person, spouse, everything…). BTW, what happens if we kiss 5 times per day? I would like to know what kind of study came up with these numbers.

 

[lovemysix]

Three and a half years of courtship would have been WAY too long for us. We were dating for 10 months, became engaged and married a year later. I think a 6 month engagement would have been better, but it just wasn’t feasible at the time for a number of reasons. We were more than ready to be married and to enjoy the marital embrace. The tension of waiting much longer than the 1 year and 10 months we dated just wouldn’t have been healthy for us. These things are so different for each couple and each situation that you just can’t expect everyone to fit into a certain range

I was 21, he was 27 when we married. If he called me 3 times a day, I’d go crazy. But we do often touch base once during his workday. I text him racy messages sometimes, too

We’re not into eating out very much. I’d rather spend the $$ on something else. But we DO try to get away to someplace exotic for 4-5 days every 2-3 years, and it’s been wonderful. There’s just nothing like spending time alone on a beautiful beach sipping tropical drinks to make you feel young and carefree again

Sex probably averages 2-3 times a week, sometimes more, sometimes less. What’s most important is that both spouses feel happy with that aspect of their lives, not that it’s performed a certain number of times.

Yeah, we say the L-word pretty frequently. Not sure if it’s every day. Sometimes it’s several times a day.

We were married 11 months when I became pregnant. Not that we were trying not to, it just happened that way. I’m glad we had that time to ourselves, though. Once I started getting pregnant, I couldn’t stop.

We cuddle in our bed, not on the couch. Yes, we have a TV in our bedroom, which all the experts warn against. LOL

Two separate nights with friends each month?! With 6 kids, that would be pretty hard to accomplish. Mostly, though, I just have no desire to go out at night with girlfriends. I’d rather meet them during the day for coffee, so my evenings can be spent with my husband. He tends to keep his friend activities to daytime hours, too (weekends).

Kissing 4 times a day? It depends on the day…and the mood! LOL

We’ve been married over 17 years, and he’s still the one I’d choose to be stranded on a deserted island with! Marriage just gets better with time.

 

[Deacon_Ed_B]

I was engaged to my wife after knowing her for only 1 month and married after knowing her 4 months. That was 44 years ago.
Simple advice. Pray together daily. You feel awkward at first, but after just a little while it comes easy. It makes you realize that God is a partner in your marriage and that you are his gift to one another.
Never go to bed without telling your spouse you love him/her. We tell each other, “Sleep well, knowing I love you”. We say this regardless of whether we are angry with one another or not. It is the valve that lets the anger go.
Our years have been blessed with 5 children and 13 grandchildren. My wife has now been 100% disabled since 1992 and is not doing well. Please keep her in your prayers.

 

[Serap]

I was engaged to my wife after knowing her for only 1 month and married after knowing her 4 months. That was 44 years ago.
Simple advice. Pray together daily. You feel awkward at first, but after just a little while it comes easy. It makes you realize that God is a partner in your marriage and that you are his gift to one another.
Never go to bed without telling your spouse you love him/her. We tell each other, “Sleep well, knowing I love you”. We say this regardless of whether we are angry with one another or not. It is the valve that lets the anger go.
Our years have been blessed with 5 children and 13 grandchildren. My wife has now been 100% disabled since 1992 and is not doing well. Please keep her in your prayers.

I love reading your posts. You have so much theology knowledge. Your marriage sounds very romantic and beautiful.

I’m sorry to hear about your wife and I will pray!

 

[mayradavila]

I have a question maybe even an issue with this whole marriage thing. I just got married to of course a man I love with all my heart, but since we have gotten married, things have gone down hill quickly.

I work in my profession all day long Monday thru Friday and when I come home it’s family time, when I got married my husband was getting ready to have knee surgery so he did not move in after we said our I do’s. His mother thought since she was a nurse and his sister was a nurse and I worked all day, it would be better if he just stayed home. I thought this too would be a good idea, the stress from my job then coming home to take care of him would be a little more than I could handle. Plus he got mean after his surgery (don’t get me wrong I know most of that was pain he had); but he was really mean, as he got better rather than wanting to spend time with me it was spending time with everyone else expect me. He went out without me to celebrate that he was now married, he went out with his friends to drink and enjoy himself. I was no where in that picture, not an invitation not even a I’m doing this with so and so. The only way I would know he was out and about was the mid-night calls while he was drunk. Well now we’ve been married for four months and he still hasn’t moved in, we fight all of the time (he makes me so angry - I can’t and don’t see us fixing this) all because he is always drinking. There are times we talk at 10:00 a.m. and he’s already drunk saying dumb things to me. His excuse is always he was drinking and he doesn’t remember. My response is if you can’t remember what you’ve said and done, then you have a problem and how can I trust you if you are always blaming it on your drinking and not taking responsibility for what you do. All he says is that I don’t love him and I won’t help him. But how do you help someone that doesn’t keep their word. That doesn’t take responsibility and that just won’t man up…I don’t want a boy in my life I want a man I can share my life with. We’ve gone in very different directions and part of me wants to stick it out, one because I love him and feel marriage is forever; but on the other hand I think why should I put up with this nonsense we are both grown people that need to take responsibilities for our actions…some advise please. I need some sort of direction or an objective person to help me see the right path here.

Thanks.