Reconciliation: Refusing to cooperate

[Little_Mary]

I don’t post here much any more but I come back once in a while looking for a different perspective. Thank you, forum friends, for reading my posts and offering your thoughts. Here’s another one…

Well over a year ago, DH’s sister, my SIL, and her live-in boyfriend began accusing me of not showing up at enough family holiday functions, reunions, etc. Her Boyfriend chimed in with hurtful anti Catholic statements, stating that it might be best for his own soul to stay away from me, the CAtholic.

I addressed these things in the best way I knew now…approached them with kindness, first apologizing for any action on my part that created this situation, asking for forgiveness and promising to make efforts to be around more. Me efforts were squashed. They essentially did not accept my apologies and maintained their position.

Then I got mad.

So, it’s been this way for over a year now.

This weekend, DH ran into his sister at yet another family gathering, and he let her have it. He reminded her of how hurtful she and her boyfriend were being towards me and towards him and that unless they “stepped up” [because we already have], then nothing would change.

She was submissive. She promised that she would make things right with me, too and went on about how life is too short to dwell on this stuff, blah blah blah.

We haven’t heard a word from them since. This is obviously not a priority for them.

All I know to do at this point is to write it off and never see or have anything to do with them again. So we’re right back where we were, and this is causing pain throughout the family, particularly with DH’s parents.

 

[missmorgan389]

All I know to do at this point is to write it off and never see or have anything to do with them again.

I agree with your statement.

Family should be willing to listen, and if that’s SIL’s problem, then she seriously loses out in the end.

It is what it is. I think if she was ever willing to make an effort, you would forgive her. Until then, I would just do as you are doing now.

 

[maryjk]

Mary,
Maybe they aren’t interested in reconciliation? If the SIL claims to be hurt by your actions (whether her being hurt is realistic or not) simply saying you are sorry may not be enough.

My in-laws, in my opinion, have hurt me. I have forgiven them. BUT that doesn’t mean that I have to expose myself and allow them to hurt me again.

Now, please don’t think I am siding with your SIL. :tsktsk: I am not. My MIL had been a thorn in my side for YEARS, before I stopped trying to discuss it with her. There is no way she doesn’t know why our family hasn’t reached out to her or my FIL.

If you don’t understand what your SIL is doing, she hasn’t done her part in making that clear. And from what I know about her, from your previous posts, she is in the wrong. (But she may not realize that.)

 

[Allegra]

You can not write off family. Continue to be open to reconciliation with your sister in law until she is ready to grow up. If she continues to be hurtful, then don’t spend time with her right now, but don’t write her off forever.

 

[acadian]

Forgiveness is demanded of us.

Reconciliation is optional - even with family.

 

[mountee]

Wow, you have inspired me with your loving attempt to reconcile this situation. A long time ago I worked for a wonderful woman who taught me many things but this one thing has stuck with me forever. She told me following a parent meeting that really frustrated me, “don’t try to reason with someone unreasonable”. Your situation reminds me of that, you have tried your best, move on. Turn this over to God and wait for Him to help sort it out in His time. Meanwhile you can practice turning the other cheek and keeping your heart free from anger, something that is good for all of us to do. God bless you.

 

[maryjk]

Forgiveness is demanded of us.

Reconciliation is optional - even with family.

Double

 

[cmscms]

I addressed these things in the best way I knew now…approached them with kindness, first apologizing for any action on my part that created this situation, asking for forgiveness and promising to make efforts to be around more. Me efforts were squashed. They essentially did not accept my apologies and maintained their position.

With all due respect, it seems like you though if you were the bigger person and apologized first, it would help start the reconciliation. I have made that mistake often enough to know it does not work. Instead of ‘apologizing for any action’, ask her politely ‘Please tell me what I have done to offend you’. If she is not capable of being honest, then it is out of your hands. If she is capable of politely telling you, assess the statement for what it is worth ie just because it hurt her, does not mean you did anything wrong

This weekend, DH ran into his sister at yet another family gathering, and he let her have it. He reminded her of how hurtful she and her boyfriend were being towards me and towards him and that unless they “stepped up” [because we already have], then nothing would change.

She was submissive. She promised that she would make things right with me, too and went on about how life is too short to dwell on this stuff, blah blah blah.

Ok, she was uncomfortable with her brother chewing her out in public and said whatever it took in the heat of the moment to get him to stop embarrassing her in public. Don’t get me wrong, if I was your husband, I probably would have blown my lid as well. It doesn’t change the fact that it will never give constructive results

All I know to do at this point is to write it off and never see or have anything to do with them again. So we’re right back where we were, and this is causing pain throughout the family, particularly with DH’s parents.

Well…unfortunately, you are not responsible for your in-laws feelings. Depending on the situation, (since I don’t know why your SIL is mad at you), you may have to live with the fact SIL is mommy and daddy’s little girl and they see no fault with her

I can sympathize. I had to cut contact with my brother 8 years ago because of his abusive temper. My parents refuse to speak up for me. Last year at my dad’s funeral was the first time we spoke in 6-7 years. He started screamimg at the top of his lungs in a coffee shop that I was not normal. I went outside since there was no shutting him up. When I came back in, the first thing my mom said is ‘Your leaving the restaurant embarrassed me and behave or else you are out of my life’. My brothers screaming did not embarrass her

All that to say, I understand your in-laws may never come around

CM

 

[agnes_therese]

Since it was just this weekend that your husband ran into them, I think you may be rushing things to be mad because you haven’t heard from them yet. That’s only one or two days. They may have other things going on in their lives.

I would wait a little while longer before deciding they were deliberately blowing me off.

I don’t post here much any more but I come back once in a while looking for a different perspective. Thank you, forum friends, for reading my posts and offering your thoughts. Here’s another one…

Well over a year ago, DH’s sister, my SIL, and her live-in boyfriend began accusing me of not showing up at enough family holiday functions, reunions, etc. Her Boyfriend chimed in with hurtful anti Catholic statements, stating that it might be best for his own soul to stay away from me, the CAtholic.

I addressed these things in the best way I knew now…approached them with kindness, first apologizing for any action on my part that created this situation, asking for forgiveness and promising to make efforts to be around more. Me efforts were squashed. They essentially did not accept my apologies and maintained their position.

Then I got mad.

So, it’s been this way for over a year now.

This weekend, DH ran into his sister at yet another family gathering, and he let her have it. He reminded her of how hurtful she and her boyfriend were being towards me and towards him and that unless they “stepped up” [because we already have], then nothing would change.

She was submissive. She promised that she would make things right with me, too and went on about how life is too short to dwell on this stuff, blah blah blah.

We haven’t heard a word from them since. This is obviously not a priority for them.

All I know to do at this point is to write it off and never see or have anything to do with them again. So we’re right back where we were, and this is causing pain throughout the family, particularly with DH’s parents.

 

[Lochias]

As an aside, hats off to your husband for taking them to task for their hurtful words.

 

[Julia_Mae]

This weekend, DH ran into his sister at yet another family gathering, and he let her have it.

I’m sorry, I don’t understand. Why weren’t you at a family gathering with your husband?

 

[Little_Mary]

I’m sorry, I don’t understand. Why weren’t you at a family gathering with your husband?

Thanks, everyone, for your responses. Please let me say thay my initial effort to apologize for whatever I did to hurt THEM was very difficult for me to do. I am not perfect by any means and do not mean to make it sound like I am the saint and they are the trouble makers in this particular situation, but her attack on me for not showing up at enough family functions was pretty much out of the blue.

Julia Mae, your question is valid given the subject of this thread and my SIL’s initial accusations towards me. I had been planning for weeks to visit my 89 y.o. father over Labor Day weekend but Isaac ruined that for me.

The family gathering this weekend - Labor Day weekend - was a football game in which our nephew played…his first college football game, and a freshman able to play - but there was not ticket for me because I had not planned on being there. So, DH was there and I was not.

That said, it was a family WEEKEND, and the ONLY function I did not attend was the football game. Because Isaac ruined my own travel plans, I was at every other gathering, usually centered around a meal. OTOH, SIL was at the game, and at no other gathering, even tho she was in town, right there. I do not understand why she did not make the time to speak with me, as she promised her brother she would do. Thus, my original post.

Sorry I did not make that clear.

 

[Little_Mary]

Since it was just this weekend that your husband ran into them, I think you may be rushing things to be mad because you haven’t heard from them yet. That’s only one or two days. They may have other things going on in their lives.

I would wait a little while longer before deciding they were deliberately blowing me off.

Well, first of all, this came as no surprise to her. It’s been an ongoing issue for several months now. This weekend would have been the ideal time to talk to me and address the situation.

However, maybe I should consider that she had some valid reasons as to why she made herself so scarce.

But OTOH, where is the line between tolerance/understanding and allowing someone to walk all over you?

 

[Little_Mary]

I agree with your statement.

Family should be willing to listen, and if that’s SIL’s problem, then she seriously loses out in the end.

It is what it is. I think if she was ever willing to make an effort, you would forgive her. Until then, I would just do as you are doing now.

missmorgan, I think that’s what I’m struggling with. Why didn’t she make the effort when she had ample opportunity to do so?

 

[Little_Mary]

Mary,
Maybe they aren’t interested in reconciliation? If the SIL claims to be hurt by your actions (whether her being hurt is realistic or not) simply saying you are sorry may not be enough.

My in-laws, in my opinion, have hurt me. I have forgiven them. BUT that doesn’t mean that I have to expose myself and allow them to hurt me again.

Now, please don’t think I am siding with your SIL. :tsktsk: I am not. My MIL had been a thorn in my side for YEARS, before I stopped trying to discuss it with her. There is no way she doesn’t know why our family hasn’t reached out to her or my FIL.

If you don’t understand what your SIL is doing, she hasn’t done her part in making that clear. And from what I know about her, from your previous posts, she is in the wrong. (But she may not realize that.)

Thank you maryjk:hug1: You are very kind! I thought I did my best to give SIL an opportunity to let me know if sorry wasn’t enough. Maybe I could have done better but I did what I knew how to do and tried to validate her feelings. IDK. I guess there’s always room for improvement.

So, if you turned the tables, I guess I’m trying to figure our where I sit.

I guess if I truly believe in my faith, I need to drop this, in the name of God and in the name of forgiveness and humility.

But why don’t they have to?

I’m thinking that’s the part I have trouble letting go of…

 

[Little_Mary]

You can not write off family. Continue to be open to reconciliation with your sister in law until she is ready to grow up. If she continues to be hurtful, then don’t spend time with her right now, but don’t write her off forever.

I understand your point, Allegra, but because I’m human, I would really have to see some serious sencerity if she ever did surface. Even then, how could I trust it?

 

[Little_Mary]

Forgiveness is demanded of us.

Reconciliation is optional - even with family.

True. Was hoping for a better end, but maybe there won’t be one.

 

[Little_Mary]

Wow, you have inspired me with your loving attempt to reconcile this situation. A long time ago I worked for a wonderful woman who taught me many things but this one thing has stuck with me forever. She told me following a parent meeting that really frustrated me, “don’t try to reason with someone unreasonable”. Your situation reminds me of that, you have tried your best, move on. Turn this over to God and wait for Him to help sort it out in His time. Meanwhile you can practice turning the other cheek and keeping your heart free from anger, something that is good for all of us to do. God bless you.

Thanks mountee

 

[Little_Mary]

With all due respect, it seems like you though if you were the bigger person and apologized first, it would help start the reconciliation. I have made that mistake often enough to know it does not work. Instead of ‘apologizing for any action’, ask her politely ‘Please tell me what I have done to offend you’. If she is not capable of being honest, then it is out of your hands. If she is capable of politely telling you, assess the statement for what it is worth ie just because it hurt her, does not mean you did anything wrong

Ok, she was uncomfortable with her brother chewing her out in public and said whatever it took in the heat of the moment to get him to stop embarrassing her in public. Don’t get me wrong, if I was your husband, I probably would have blown my lid as well. It doesn’t change the fact that it will never give constructive results

Well…unfortunately, you are not responsible for your in-laws feelings. Depending on the situation, (since I don’t know why your SIL is mad at you), you may have to live with the fact SIL is mommy and daddy’s little girl and they see no fault with her

I can sympathize. I had to cut contact with my brother 8 years ago because of his abusive temper. My parents refuse to speak up for me. Last year at my dad’s funeral was the first time we spoke in 6-7 years. He started screamimg at the top of his lungs in a coffee shop that I was not normal. I went outside since there was no shutting him up. When I came back in, the first thing my mom said is ‘Your leaving the restaurant embarrassed me and behave or else you are out of my life’. My brothers screaming did not embarrass her

All that to say, I understand your in-laws may never come around

CM

CM, thanks. I know my inlaws don’t have a dog in this fight, but they are elderly and it hurts them. It hurts DH, too, although is as chivalrous as they come in defending me, and knows from childhood his sister’s hard personality.

I’m interested in a reconciliation, but not in exchange for my own self respect and dignity. I guess I’m just tryint to figure out if that is self centerd if me or not.

 

[Little_Mary]

As an aside, hats off to your husband for taking them to task for their hurtful words.

Yep he’s a sweetie, but it IS his own sister and, naturally, that kinda bothers him too. I really wish this could be fixed.

And yes, it has crossed my mind that I’m the one he has to live with. Poor fella…