Recovering from Pornography?

[LROH]

I didn’t mean “normalizes sex” as in makes you less ashamed of what you are doing. Men (And women) are naturally ashamed of watching pornography, and will hide that they watch it at all costs. I meant to say that sex becomes an everyday thing for you, like brushing your teeth and changing your clothes. When you first watch it and have never experienced sex in any way, it’s eye-opening and exciting. But eventually, you become used to it, and it’s no longer a big deal – in other words, it has become “normalized” for you. That is what I meant, not that you become less ashamed of it, but that you get used to it and it’s no longer a big deal for you. There is a reason why men who look at pornography have a much more difficult time getting sexually excited than men who do not.

Do you mean secular trivialization and acceptance, even esteeming of lusting vs learning true intimacy with spouse?

 

[ATeutonicKnight]

Do you mean secular trivialization and acceptance, even esteeming of lusting vs learning true intimacy with spouse?

I mean sex. Sex and sexual acts become normal for you (No longer an exciting mystery) if you frequently watch pornography. That’s not to say sex isn’t normal, but those who have not had sex and have not witnessed it through pornography are not used to it in any way, so it’s mysterious and exciting. If you see it every day through videos, it’s no longer an exciting, mysterious thing.

 

[emilybarrassed]

My hb was also addicted (literally) for many years, so I understand what you are talking about. After he truly stopped, we saw a sex therapist together. Actually we saw two of them together (they do couples together). There are therapists who specialize in this topic. I think it’s important to see someone who knows what they are talking about and has dealt with this. Just because one stops viewing pornography doesn’t mean all the issues go away. It is not cheap, perhaps your insurance would cover it? The issue is much more prevalent now than it was when we went through it and I think a lot of therapists now have training in this area. For us, we spent thousands of dollars on therapy because I insisted that we get qualified help.

It can take many years for one to be fully recovered, and then the spouse also has things to deal with. Then you have to start figuring out how to be healthy together. That is what the therapy can help with. The reading and praying you are doing together will help. I had to do a lot of reading myself (TOB) and viewed some of the catholic videos designed for young people in order to straighten out my own thinking about sex.

Our insurance covers in-person counseling but I can only find one actual “sex therapist” in our area. We saw her for a period of time years ago but she was not very helpful at all. She was also not against pornography. I gathered that she mostly dealt with LGBT clients and in a way that considers homosexuality to be healthy and normal. Not a good fit for us. I have found that it really HAS to be a Catholic counselor for us, to be of any real benefit. There are only two Catholic counselors in our area and one is also a professor and isn’t taking any new clients. The other we do see but she isn’t super helpful on this issue. So that’s why we do telephone counseling through a Catholic service (not a sex therapist but knowledgeable in that area). We have to pay 100% out of pocket for that as our insurance does not cover any telecounseling. Our bill last month was nearly $800 and we really can’t afford it :/. It is helping but one hour a week just isn’t enough to tackle all of the issues from his childhood and the 20 years of porn on top of that. We do pray and read TOB together. Thank you for the advise.

 

[LROH]

Have you tried retrouvaille? They don’t say pornography, they say internet to cover all internet use, ie gambling, game playing and whatever else people do to excess online.

Retrouvaille is a low cost option to supplement what you are doing in counseling, the weekend we went to reinforced everything I learned in cognitive behavioral therapy over years trying to cope with these issues as his spouse…facing my own unhealthy coping skills and ways these behaviors contributed to the communication problems in our relationship. That opened the door to hope for me, regardless of what he does I must be responsible for my own behavior and not try to justify and defend my actions by what he does.

 

[emilybarrassed]

That would be nice but we don’t have anyone to watch our kids for a weekend so we have not pursued that.

 

[LROH]

That would be nice but we don’t have anyone to watch our kids for a weekend so we have not pursued that.

Not sure how old your kids are…we’d been living in Florida for about 2 years, 1000 miles from anyone I knew, loved or truly trusted when I had to make the huge step of trusting a neighbor family to watch out two girls…oldest actually lost her first tooth during our weekend…we still laugh over how she ate her potato chip tooth but the tooth fairy still found her.

Were still Facebook friends with that family, after major relocations for both families…kids grown and married…all sorts of events that we still celebrate and encourage back and forth. It was very scary to ask for help, even more scary to say why we needed help…lol Seems everyone knew our marriage was troubled and details were not important…well worth the risk.
However you move forward, prayers go with you all.