Recovering Porn Addicts, Please Help

[AnneTeresa]

Hi pumpkin,

I went through this with my husband. I completely understand the devastation you feel. My relationship with God plus really good therapy and 12 step groups is what got me through. I can’t answer the questions you ask… the whole addiction concept was so hard for me to grasp. I will be praying for you. Sounds like you are doing good things to get help. Feel free to pm me if you ever want to talk to someone.

 

[on_the_hill]

Thank you. Phil really creeped me out.

Yeah, now that I read it…:ehh:

 

[rayne89]

Why you ask .? Why has your husband done all these things ?
There are a number of reasons, one of course is just plain sexual gratification,
Because he is embarrassed to tell you what he would like the both of you to do.
It’s not all about just doing it, it’s about touching, just holding each other in an embrace ,
Like just after a shower, arms around one another, to feel someone you love against you in an embrace , plus,without being offensive towards you, but women are just not interested in much at all… There more interested in what going on around them,not so much as to what’s happening within them , hope you understand this,
I could give perhaps ideas, but on a main screen forum it would be inappropriate …

Uh…no. Do you know most women in an intimate way? How would you know what most women are or are not interested in? I have a daughter who is on this forum now so I will limit what I say but I will tell you you are wrong.

 

[PumpkinPies37]

Hi pumpkin,

I went through this with my husband. I completely understand the devastation you feel. My relationship with God plus really good therapy and 12 step groups is what got me through. I can’t answer the questions you ask… the whole addiction concept was so hard for me to grasp. I will be praying for you. Sounds like you are doing good things to get help. Feel free to pm me if you ever want to talk to someone.

Thank you very much, AnneTeresa.

 

[Tablefor9]

I just wanted to add that for some men these addictions are cyclical. The battles rage over and over again with relapses maybe weeks/months/years apart. He may not have told you because he thought he’d finally won. He didn’t tell you because he was ashamed to find he was horribly wrong.

I have personally known a handful of otherwise Godly men whose marriages were nearly destroyed by this issue, in this very way. My own included.

It’s a terrible betrayal of the marriage vow; not quite adultery, but near enough, and yet so acceptable to society and even minimized in church circles. Porn’s effects are sickening in the way they change the way men think of women, the way women think of themselves.

I just want you to remember that it is one thing to forgive–certainly we must. But please do not be surprised if this is a years-long process of recovery. Someone mentioned that your husband would need to grieve the porn–maybe. You will need to grieve the marriage you will not have, the one you could have had if trust was not broken so horribly.

Praying for you. Take heart–God can use these things for our good and His glory.

 

[Prodigal_Son]

I just want you to remember that it is one thing to forgive–certainly we must. But please do not be surprised if this is a years-long process of recovery. Someone mentioned that your husband would need to grieve the porn–maybe. You will need to grieve the marriage you will not have, the one you could have had if trust was not broken so horribly.

I think this is too strongly stated. The OP can have a marriage that is deeply and profoundly beautiful. Her husband’s porn addiction just means that there is serious sin in the relationship, and there is forgiveness and healing needed. But once that healing happens, who knows how awesome a plan God has for this marriage?

We live among sinners, not saints. The beautiful life that God has for us is a life lived with sinners.

 

[PumpkinPies37]

I just wanted to add that for some men these addictions are cyclical. The battles rage over and over again with relapses maybe weeks/months/years apart. He may not have told you because he thought he’d finally won. He didn’t tell you because he was ashamed to find he was horribly wrong.

I have personally known a handful of otherwise Godly men whose marriages were nearly destroyed by this issue, in this very way. My own included.

It’s a terrible betrayal of the marriage vow; not quite adultery, but near enough, and yet so acceptable to society and even minimized in church circles. Porn’s effects are sickening in the way they change the way men think of women, the way women think of themselves.

I just want you to remember that it is one thing to forgive–certainly we must. But please do not be surprised if this is a years-long process of recovery. Someone mentioned that your husband would need to grieve the porn–maybe. You will need to grieve the marriage you will not have, the one you could have had if trust was not broken so horribly.

Praying for you. Take heart–God can use these things for our good and His glory.

Thank you tablefor9.

It’s been a very productive weekend with lots of communication. This thread has been especially helpful for me in understanding him. Thank you so much to all who contributed valuable information.

Like many of the former/recovering addicts who contributed said, I can now surmise that he was.

1. In denial
2. Not REALLY ready to stop, even though he acknowledged about four years ago that it was a honest to goodness, no kidding sin (he converted to 12 years ago).
3. He did not want to admit the damage it was doing to me or to our marriage. He thought going to confession was enough to make it ‘right’.
4. He was ashamed and did not want me to know that there was such a weakness in him.

I know the addicts here will understand that he felt all four of these reasons all at the same time. The truth is, he really wasn’t ready to think about it at all.

We have talked a lot, and we both accept that his addiction stems from deep emotional pain. We talked about some of his pain today. I am grateful for this. I want to be here for him. I really do.

Also, a huge help has been that I was prescribed an anti-depressant/anti-anxiety med. I have made it several days without sobbing and/or freaking out. Now that he acknowledges his problem, further outbursts from me do not help him. I was in such a state that I knew I needed calm down, or he would retreat into silence again. I do have a fire-y temper (especially when it comes to morality) and this whole thing really pushed me past the edge. Really and truly. Hopefully with counseling, I can go off the meds in a couple months. At least I’m eating and sleeping again.

I’m writing all this in hopes that it will help someone else, sometime now or in the future.

What a scourge on our society.

Tableof9, thank you very much for your ‘reality check’. It addressed a nagging feeling that I would not recognize before. I know that this is not just going to go away after a couple years of counseling, but I could not admit that to myself. And yes, I need time to grieve the life that I thought I had, but now do not. I need to grieve that my husband is battling a very serious problem, and probably always will. I wish I had been born hundreds of years ago when pornography did not exist.

God bless us, every one.

 

[Phil_Marinus]

This has taken a lot of courage to explain your own situation, take this opportunity to heal together,
God bless

 

[bmaj]

Thank you tablefor9.

It’s been a very productive weekend with lots of communication. This thread has been especially helpful for me in understanding him. Thank you so much to all who contributed valuable information.

Like many of the former/recovering addicts who contributed said, I can now surmise that he was.

1. In denial
2. Not REALLY ready to stop, even though he acknowledged about four years ago that it was a honest to goodness, no kidding sin (he converted to 12 years ago).
3. He did not want to admit the damage it was doing to me or to our marriage. He thought going to confession was enough to make it ‘right’.
4. He was ashamed and did not want me to know that there was such a weakness in him.

I know the addicts here will understand that he felt all four of these reasons all at the same time. The truth is, he really wasn’t ready to think about it at all.

We have talked a lot, and we both accept that his addiction stems from deep emotional pain. We talked about some of his pain today. I am grateful for this. I want to be here for him. I really do.

Also, a huge help has been that I was prescribed an anti-depressant/anti-anxiety med. I have made it several days without sobbing and/or freaking out. Now that he acknowledges his problem, further outbursts from me do not help him. I was in such a state that I knew I needed calm down, or he would retreat into silence again. I do have a fire-y temper (especially when it comes to morality) and this whole thing really pushed me past the edge. Really and truly. Hopefully with counseling, I can go off the meds in a couple months. At least I’m eating and sleeping again.

I’m writing all this in hopes that it will help someone else, sometime now or in the future.

What a scourge on our society.

Tableof9, thank you very much for your ‘reality check’. It addressed a nagging feeling that I would not recognize before. I know that this is not just going to go away after a couple years of counseling, but I could not admit that to myself. And yes, I need time to grieve the life that I thought I had, but now do not. I need to grieve that my husband is battling a very serious problem, and probably always will. I wish I had been born hundreds of years ago when pornography did not exist.

God bless us, every one.

Prayers continue for you, Pumpkin. Hugs, too.

 

[bmaj]

I just wanted to add that for some men these addictions are cyclical. The battles rage over and over again with relapses maybe weeks/months/years apart. He may not have told you because he thought he’d finally won. He didn’t tell you because he was ashamed to find he was horribly wrong.

I have personally known a handful of otherwise Godly men whose marriages were nearly destroyed by this issue, in this very way. My own included.

It’s a terrible betrayal of the marriage vow; not quite adultery, but near enough, and yet so acceptable to society and even minimized in church circles. Porn’s effects are sickening in the way they change the way men think of women, the way women think of themselves.

I just want you to remember that it is one thing to forgive–certainly we must. But please do not be surprised if this is a years-long process of recovery. Someone mentioned that your husband would need to grieve the porn–maybe. You will need to grieve the marriage you will not have, the one you could have had if trust was not broken so horribly.

Praying for you. Take heart–God can use these things for our good and His glory.

Excellent words of wisdom, Tablefor9. Likely will help Pumpkin. I know they help me to better understand my own husband and marriage. God’s blessings always.

 

[PumpkinPies37]

I think this is too strongly stated. The OP can have a marriage that is deeply and profoundly beautiful. Her husband’s porn addiction just means that there is serious sin in the relationship, and there is forgiveness and healing needed. But once that healing happens, who knows how awesome a plan God has for this marriage?

We live among sinners, not saints. The beautiful life that God has for us is a life lived with sinners.

Well, yes, the marriage is already deeply and profoundly beautiful in a “Tolstoy” kind of way, and yes, much healing is needed. I don’t think you are implying that ongoing pain and betrayal are catalysts for more profound beauty, are you?

Of course, you are right, God has a magnificent plan. But what tableof9 is saying, I think, is that free will and vice may stand in the way of God’s plan, and that I need to be aware of that.

Yes, we are all sinners, but my marriage is Holy and I will fight to the death for it. I will never accept this kind of sin in our marriage.

Thank you for your encouragement though. I think I understand what you mean.

 

[PumpkinPies37]

Prayers continue for you, Pumpkin. Hugs, too.

And hugs back to you as well, dear.

 

[PumpkinPies37]

I just wanted to let everyone know that he started the 12 steps of SA yesterday. We’ve both been to individual counselors and we have couples therapy tomorrow.

Plus, a business trip that was scheduled for 2 weeks from now (serious near occasion of sin for him - hotel rooms) was canceled by his higher-ups. Thank God. Thank God.

Thank you for all of your prayers. They have REALLY helped. And now we will just keep trying.

 

[PumpkinPies37]

And for any young men or women out there, please don’t let pornography take root in your life. It is not harmless. Sin only grows.

Stamp it out while you are young. I know it seems so ‘okay’ in our society, but the harm it does is staggering. Please think of your future spouse, and your future children.

Porn is just not worth the damage it will do to your life.

 

[Prodigal_Son]

Well, yes, the marriage is already deeply and profoundly beautiful in a “Tolstoy” kind of way, and yes, much healing is needed. I don’t think you are implying that ongoing pain and betrayal are catalysts for more profound beauty, are you?

No, sin is not good. We should not sin so that grace will abound. But grace does abound.

In my own experience, my embrace of healing for my pornography addiction has been the avenue that God has used to free my wife from her addiction to fear and self-loathing. This does not mean that I am happy with my addiction – far from it!

The only thing that concerned me about Tablefor9’s comment was that it seemed to be *permanent *-- that you’ll never have the marriage you always dreamed of. In fact, though, I think God wants THIS marriage to be good beyond your wildest dreams. Despite sin.

Of course, you are right, God has a magnificent plan. But what tableof9 is saying, I think, is that free will and vice may stand in the way of God’s plan, and that I need to be aware of that.

Well, your husband’s free will is obviously half of the key to an awesome marriage. Your free will is the other half. Both are needed.

 

[PumpkinPies37]

No, sin is not good. We should not sin so that grace will abound. But grace does abound.

In my own experience, my embrace of healing for my pornography addiction has been the avenue that God has used to free my wife from her addiction to fear and self-loathing. This does not mean that I am happy with my addiction – far from it!

The only thing that concerned me about Tablefor9’s comment was that it seemed to be *permanent *-- that you’ll never have the marriage you always dreamed of. In fact, though, I think God wants THIS marriage to be good beyond your wildest dreams. Despite sin.

Well, your husband’s free will is obviously half of the key to an awesome marriage. Your free will is the other half. Both are needed.

That is very encouraging!! Thank you very much, and God bless you and your wife.

 

[Tablefor9]

Late to the party, but, hey…what I meant was that this marriage IS beautiful, and wonderful, and HOLY…and CAN be an amazing testimony to God’s power of redeeming love and grace. However…it will NOT be a marriage free from the spector of addiction, unmarked by the pain of broken trust, by a man who would not and could not see what his sin was doing to the marriage vow. Some marriages are that…pumpkins will not be.

To minimize THAT is to tell the OP a lie. Months and years from now, her marriage will still be different because of this. That makes God’s grace in the preservation of her marriage MORE, not less. It is, however, a truth that is uncomfortable for many in our society and in our Church.

Love to all–
T

 

[PumpkinPies37]

Late to the party, but, hey…what I meant was that this marriage IS beautiful, and wonderful, and HOLY…and CAN be an amazing testimony to God’s power of redeeming love and grace. However…it will NOT be a marriage free from the spector of addiction, unmarked by the pain of broken trust, by a man who would not and could not see what his sin was doing to the marriage vow. Some marriages are that…pumpkins will not be.

To minimize THAT is to tell the OP a lie. Months and years from now, her marriage will still be different because of this. That makes God’s grace in the preservation of her marriage MORE, not less. It is, however, a truth that is uncomfortable for many in our society and in our Church.

Love to all–
T

I can’t tell you how much I appreciate your words. I know it’s hard for anyone to talk about this, especially if they have suffered too. But your insight has helped me understand and come to terms with the nagging question inside of me. I will remember this in years to come. Thank you so much.

 

[Prodigal_Son]

Tablefor9,

With all due respect, what you are saying is not scriptural. Sin does have temporal consequences, but these consequences do not necessarily make our lives worse – since grace flows out of our sin, when we submit ourselves in complete humility to the hands of God, who is our healer.

Late to the party, but, hey…what I meant was that this marriage IS beautiful, and wonderful, and HOLY…and CAN be an amazing testimony to God’s power of redeeming love and grace. However…it will NOT be a marriage free from the spector of addiction, unmarked by the pain of broken trust, by a man who would not and could not see what his sin was doing to the marriage vow. Some marriages are that…pumpkins will not be.

ALL have sinned and fallen short of the glory of God. No husband can love his wife, on his own. If any man is faithful to his wife, that is because God lives in that man.

Of course, it hurts ever so deeply when we are betrayed, when we are broken, when those who have once chosen us now reject us. But even that pain can be used by God for His greater glory and for our transformation.

If Pumpkin’s husband is transformed by God’s love, he will be 10,000 times better than a husband who never looks at porn but doesn’t experience God or share Him with others.

To minimize THAT is to tell the OP a lie. Months and years from now, her marriage will still be different because of this. That makes God’s grace in the preservation of her marriage MORE, not less. It is, however, a truth that is uncomfortable for many in our society and in our Church.

Two passages from Romans:

Consequently, just as one trespass resulted in condemnation for all people, so also one righteous act resulted in justification and life for all people. For just as through the disobedience of the one man the many were made sinners, so also through the obedience of the one man the many will be made righteous.

The law was brought in so that the trespass might increase. But where sin increased, grace increased all the more, so that, just as sin reigned in death, so also grace might reign through righteousness to bring eternal life through Jesus Christ our Lord.

What shall we say, then? Shall we go on sinning so that grace may increase? By no means! We are those who have died to sin; how can we live in it any longer? Or don’t you know that all of us who were baptized into Christ Jesus were baptized into his death? We were therefore buried with him through baptism into death in order that, just as Christ was raised from the dead through the glory of the Father, we too may live a new life.

For if we have been united with him in a death like his, we will certainly also be united with him in a resurrection like his. For we know that our old self was crucified with him so that the body ruled by sin might be done away with, that we should no longer be slaves to sin— because anyone who has died has been set free from sin.

and

Who will bring any charge against those whom God has chosen? It is God who justifies. Who then is the one who condemns? No one. Christ Jesus who died—more than that, who was raised to life—is at the right hand of God and is also interceding for us. Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall trouble or hardship or persecution or famine or nakedness or danger or sword? No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.

 

[Tablefor9]

Prodigal Son–

I’m not going to address the issue of no husband being able to love a wife without God living in him…we are not totally depraved. Mankind can love, men can love their wives–not perfectly, not as Christ commands, but men can love their wives enough not to hurt them deliberately.

But not Scriptural? Really?

Adam’s disobediedence got us to the fall.

Cain killed Abel and was sent away with a mark.

Evil grew and a flood came…8 people made it out in a boat.

The one recorded instance of birth control caused a man’s death.

The one recorded haircut (against a vow) caused a man to lose all his strength, his eyes to be put out, and his imprisonment.

Moses didn’t live to see Canaan because he lost his temper and hit a rock instead of speaking to it.

David killed Uriah, but not before he’d knocked up Uriah’s wife. The resulting baby died as a punishment (I’m not makin this stuff up–the prophet Nathan said so, and frankly, I could go on all day and into tomorrow.)

But that’s OT, you might say.

Simon the Sorceror/Simon Magus sought to buy the gift of the Holy Spirit and the right to impart it by laying on of hands. Ended up publicly blasted, almost cursed, by St Peter. Died in Rome, though, if memory serves, after specifically asking St Peter to intercede for him before the Lord, that the things he had spoken over him would not happen. (Acts 8, probably after verse 10 or so)

Ananias and Sapphira lied about the amount of money they got for property they sold, in an effort to keep some for themselves. Struck dead for lying to the Holy Spirit.

What about the scriptures about sowing and reaping? I’d think those have more place here, if this kind of conversation has place. You can take a nail out of a board (repent of an act that harms another) but the hole is still in the board (the effects are still there). That is not only Scriptual, as I believe I’ve shown, but plain common sense.

I am not saying that God can’t/won’t redeem the suffering, use the effects of evil for good.
I am not saying that Pumpkin’s husband may not become the most wonderful husband ever. I am not saying that he will necessarily ever look at porn again.

Certainly, where sin abounds, grace must abound that much more…but these Scriptures say nothing about the temporal effects of sin being abrogated, or somehow being good. The first passage is the fall of Adam and the Righteousness of Christ and baptismal death; the second passage is actually a favorite of mine, too, when I’m feeling the weight of my past sin, but it has no context here, except maybe, for Pumpkin’s husband.

Grace to you.
T