Rejecting Marital Act

[QwertyGirl]

I never understand why one person would want to have sex with someone who, for whatever reason, wasn’t into it at the time. To me, it has an ick factor. We really need to do away with using words like “duty” and “debt” when discussing these things.

 

[QwertyGirl]

Maybe I’m just weird. I wouldn’t want somebody saying they loved me unless in the moment they were really feeling like it was something they wanted to say. There is always tomorrow.

 

[Arkansan]

You would prefer for your husband not to say “I love you” back to you if he’s not feeling it at the moment?

 

[QwertyGirl]

Yes. That is right.

 

[tweedlealice]

Blessings,
The husband is to love the wife, as Christ loved the church, even to lay his life down for her. Surely, not having a romantic night is even easier to lay it down, than his life… It would be cruel for him to force an issue if she felt bad. I admired,”EVERYBODY LIVES RAYMOND.” His wife acted like it was every night and OK. Once, I saw her decline.
My grandmother, once, said that my grandfather performed every night till his prostrate surgery. I was a nursing student! Shocked me.,I wish I had been smart enough to ask her if it was nice.
Funny. ??!
In Christ’s love
Tweedlealice

 

[QwertyGirl]

I am still stuck on wondering how one person can enjoy sex when they know the other person isn’t in the mood for it. This is a major turn off, no? It sounds like what is being suggested is that the person not in the mood isn’t supposed to let on that they aren’t in the mood. I would hate that. I want to know everything about my spouse and how they are feeling, including if they aren’t up for it. I guess it is just a different perspective.

 

[tweedlealice]

No
If not in mood, decline lovingly and take a rain check. Now, men do have a problem w their anatomy wanting them to do something they were not thinking of.,… If he has an erection, you could be nice and suffer through. I found, we shared pleasantries together, even if I was blaze. But, if sick and vomiting and all nasty things, he’d be insane to ask you. One vomiting spell witnessed, and he’d lose interest. CHUCKLE.
In Christ’s love
Tweedlealice

 

[Werbenjagermanjensen]

Not being in the mood is something that would need to be worked on. It isn’t normal to have no desire and there are usually changes in lifestyle that can help increase libido: cut alcohol and tobacco use, lose weight, stop using pornography.

 

[BoomBoomMancini]

Not being in the mood is something that would need to be worked on. It isn’t normal to have no desire and there are usually changes in lifestyle that can help increase libido: cut alcohol and tobacco use, lose weight, stop using pornography.

You’re right if someone has zero libido for an extended period of time. That’s not normal and something that needs to be looked at; there might be medical or lifestyle tweaks that can be made. However, not being in the mood on any particular night is pretty normal. I’m a healthy guy in my early thirties who is super in love and attracted to his wife, and it’s not like I want to have sex every minute of every day.

 

[QwertyGirl]

Not being in the mood is something that would need to be worked on. It isn’t normal to have no desire and there are usually changes in lifestyle that can help increase libido: cut alcohol and tobacco use, lose weight, stop using pornography

You are considering it as a chronic issue. I am discussing it as an occasional occurrence. Not the same thing.

 

[tafan2]

I agree, more or less, but it depends on how often one is “not in the mood.” Everyone is entitled to an off night. Now, if someone is “not in the mood” for long stretches of time, leaving their spouse high and dry, that’s a different story. It also depends on how reasonable the requests are.

I also always wonder who these people are who are comfortable having sex knowing their spouse would rather not. Isn’t that just super awkward?

Of course it depends on how reasonable the request is, that is in the definition of the marital debt.

One has to be careful about saying this is about “how often” it happens. I am not saying you are absolutely wrong, but keep in mind morality, sinfulness, is about individual acts. One cannot say its ok to rob a bank once, as long as I do not rob a bank often.

 

[tafan2]

To add to this, I think too that “I’m not in the mood” can mean a lot of different things. Spouses can and should be open with each other, but it can be embarrassing to say, “I would, but I have indigestion” or “I have a UTI” or “The mere thought of physical contact after small humans have climbed on me all day makes my skin crawl.”

In general, I think I would be reluctant to use “obligation” type language with a spouse. It’s true, but is it useful? As you say, is it even fun if you know your spouse isn’t into it?

Yes, I agree. When I said I had problems with refusing just because I am not in the mood, I took was using those words literally, not as some other way of saying it was an unreasonable time for sex. And every couple has their one means of communicating these things. I can certainly imagine a spouse who always uses that terminology, but actually means things like “I am too tired” or “I have a UTI”, etc and never actually rejects sex unreasonable, and the other spouse always understands what is going on.

I doubt if any couple ever uses the “obligation” type wording, but perhaps it happens if there develops a real problem in the marriage and they are sitting down discussing it, but not as a means to get sex at any point in time.

 

[tafan2]

I am still stuck on wondering how one person can enjoy sex when they know the other person isn’t in the mood for it. This is a major turn off, no? It sounds like what is being suggested is that the person not in the mood isn’t supposed to let on that they aren’t in the mood. I would hate that. I want to know everything about my spouse and how they are feeling, including if they aren’t up for it. I guess it is just a different perspective.

In my opinion, this is looking at the whole thing backwards. If a person is simply not in the mood, perhaps he is watching MNF, and his spouse in her typical way tries to initiate intimacy, the proper reaction is to give oneself lovingly to the wife. She may know he really wants to watch MNF, but he responds in such a way that it is not a major turn off. And lets face it, once the action starts, the “not in the mood” feeling often disappears rather quickly.
I bet you every married person on this thread has had to do a little “seduction” at times with their spouse to get things moving. What is wrong with that? Its not a turn off, its often quite the opposite.

That’s my last post on this thread. I hope I have been clear.

 

[TheLittleLady]

Heck, we do things out of love instead of out of “feeling” often.

What if I only got up with a sick child when I felt like it? What if I only went to work when I felt like it? What if I only went to Mass when I felt like it?

 

[heidi_storage]

“Not in the mood” can mean anything from “Eh, whatever, I’d just as soon read a book” to “I’m really nauseated and will throw up if you touch me.” In the former case, consenting to sex can lead to a very nice, mutually satisfying encounter as the ol’ body starts responding. Quite often, the distractions and weariness impeding desire can be overcome.

I do NOT think it is common for a spouse to say, “Oh, you’ve got the flu? Well, I want sex and the Bible says I’m entitled to it, so let’s get your clothes off. There, that didn’t take long, did it? Want me to get you a Tylenol?”

As always, there ought to be good faith between the spouses–faith that each will be considerate and tend to the other’s needs.

 

[runningdude]

Husband yields to wife, wife to husband…

If the wife does not want :no_good_woman:, husband must yield …

 

[QwertyGirl]

Heck, we do things out of love instead of out of “feeling” often.

What if I only got up with a sick child when I felt like it? What if I only went to work when I felt like it? What if I only went to Mass when I felt like it?

But sex is different. I really can’t wrap my head around wanting to have sex with somebody else who wasn’t as into it. I would never want somebody to do it out of Mercy for me. I’ve been married 30 years so I understand all of the intricacies of that part of a relationship. LOL.

 

[BoomBoomMancini]

In my opinion, this is looking at the whole thing backwards. If a person is simply not in the mood, perhaps he is watching MNF, and his spouse in her typical way tries to initiate intimacy, the proper reaction is to give oneself lovingly to the wife. She may know he really wants to watch MNF, but he responds in such a way that it is not a major turn off. And lets face it, once the action starts, the “not in the mood” feeling often disappears rather quickly.

I bet you every married person on this thread has had to do a little “seduction” at times with their spouse to get things moving. What is wrong with that? Its not a turn off, its often quite the opposite.

I don’t think anyone who is slightly uncomfortable with the “obligation” language is objecting to the idea of trying to get your spouse in the mood. The problem with “obligation” is it has kind of a coercive connotation. Like, “hey, I know you don’t want to right now, but too bad, I wanna get some.” If a woman wears some sexy underwear to get her husband in the mood, or a man gives his wife a back massage, that’s not coercive. Seduction is fine. Insisting or pressuring in face of a clear “no, not tonight” is not.

I also think we need to be careful about how we talk about “obligation”. I agree there is such a thing as a marital obligation, but it’s a general obligation. Meaning, over the course of your married life, you’re responsible for doing your best to see your spouse is sexually fulfilled. That means that in general, you should be receptive to intimacy, and when you’re in bed, you’re trying to make sure they’re having a good time. That doesn’t mean that you are obligated to have sex on any particular night. Being married doesn’t mean becoming a sex slave.

And just to be clear, I’m just thinking out loud. I know you’re not advocating spousal rape or anything.

 

[Werbenjagermanjensen]

I also think we need to be careful about how we talk about “obligation”. I agree there is such a thing as a marital obligation, but it’s a general obligation. Meaning, over the course of your married life, you’re responsible for doing your best to see your spouse is sexually fulfilled. That means that in general, you should be receptive to intimacy, and when you’re in bed, you’re trying to make sure they’re having a good time. That doesn’t mean that you are obligated to have sex on any particular night. Being married doesn’t mean becoming a sex slave.

A general obligation that you are never obligated to fulfill on any given night? That isn’t how obligations work. I’d like to be able to get away with that at work. I am obligated to get my work done in general but that’s not to say I am ever obliged to deliver on any projects in a given week. At some point I am going to have to deliver whether I really feel like it or not.

 

[BoomBoomMancini]

A general obligation that you are never obligated to fulfill on any given night? That isn’t how obligations work. I’d like to be able to get away with that at work. I am obligated to get my work done in general but that’s not to say I am ever obliged to deliver on any projects in a given week. At some point I am going to have to deliver whether I really feel like it or not.

It’s not that hard to parse. You’re obligated to be a giving, loving spouse when it comes to physical intimacy. That doesn’t mean you’re obligated to have sex on demand like a sex slave. If you want to use the work analogy, you’re obligated to show up to work on time and do your job, but that doesn’t mean you’re never allowed to take a vacation day. Now, if you start taking days off constantly, to the point it becomes unreasonable…that’s a different story.

You’re allowed to decline on individual occasions, but the cumulative effect of enough refusals over an extended period of time might amount to failing in your general obligation. Makes perfect sense to me, not that I claim to be the brightest bear in the woods.